remid Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm pretty shy, and of course, the more I like a girl, the more I'm shy. I just don't try anything to show my interest. I'm being very defensive, not showing any emotion, which means not showing any interest. I actually just come back from a second date with a girl and I feel like I suck. The conversation was pretty good, and funny. I mean that she was laughing at my jokes and never seemed bored. But I just never showed that I was interested: it was just like a casual conversation between two friends... I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't try anything...I don't know, I'm afraid that if I say how I feel, if I try to be explicit in what I say or if I try to put my arm over her shoulder or try to take her hand, I'll ruin everything and she'll run away. How would she react to that kind of behavior? Is it the behaviour a girl expect from a guy? And what if I'm wrong and she reacts badly to that? The result is that I didn't try anything to show interest. I walked with her to her car, we just hugged and she went home with I don't know what feeling about the date. And I don't even know if I should call her back to suggest another date...
zhsoj Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I just went through something similar and you sound a lot like me... Mine didn't work out... At the beginning I think there may have been "signals" after the third date that she would have accepted a touch or a kiss. But I chickened out. In the following 3 dates I continued to think I had chickened out, but now that I've reflected on it a bit more, something changed with her. She became very distant physically. After one meal I swear she practically ran away . Either way it's clear to me now that if I had a window, I blew it. So... Not to put any pressure on you, but yes I'd say that if there is an opportunity, you best be ready for it as second chances seem rare. I'd try seeing it this way; as one shy guy to another: you likely will mess it up, so you've got nothing to lose. Ask her out again, and attempt to throw most of those inhibitions out the window. When it does go south (sorry but it seems the likely outcome), brush yourself off and try again. The next time you will have a little bit more experience, and you should see that in a light to build your confidence.
Author remid Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I mean, even complimenting her on her looks sounds too risky for me... I really don't get what's wrong with me... Maybe I scared because I just don't know what to do if she shows interest back I guess...
Author remid Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, I like your vision of the situation: actually, I guess that if I don't try anything, I'll blow my chances anyway. So I'd better blow them by doing something and learn from it. It's just that I'm waiting for what I would call the "right time". It just happens that it never happens and it never will because I'm just looking for excuses to stay in my comfort zone...
zhsoj Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I mean, even complimenting her on her looks sounds too risky for me... I really don't get what's wrong with me... Maybe I scared because I just don't know what to do if she shows interest back I guess... Haha, well you're going to have to stop reading the never ending posts here from women that say they are turned off when being complimented on their looks. Weather the one your interested in feels that way, impossible to tell. went the safe route and only complimented her looks when she seemed to be disparaging about them. e.g. "I just got off work, my hair is a mess. -- No, it looks fine". Can't say this is the best approach as it surely didn't work that much to my advantage. The plus side of course is that any woman that took offense at that would have to be off her rocker... Yes, I like your vision of the situation: actually, I guess that if I don't try anything, I'll blow my chances anyway. So I'd better blow them by doing something and learn from it. It's just that I'm waiting for what I would call the "right time". It just happens that it never happens and it never will because I'm just looking for excuses to stay in my comfort zone... Indeed. Logically as long as it's not grossly inappropriate (e.g. grabbing her ass) you can't really be blamed if she turns you away. As for the right time... I think it exists. I do believe she will likely send out some sort of signals for when she is welcoming of first being touched. However good luck trying to spot them. And then if you do good luck getting up the courage on the spot to respond in time. Maybe a more experienced guy can chime in on this, but from my current perspective it would seem that the only way around this is to just push. Forget the "signals" and the "right time". Use your own intuition and experience and just go for it as soon as possible. The women here probably won't like that suggestion, but for us shy guys I think it's appropriate. Otherwise you will do what I just did and end up at date 5 with her putting up every little physical defense possible so she can avoid having the "just friends" talk with you because by now it looks like you may just have the courage to hold her hand. Anyways... Good luck. "...the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself".
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 You know - coming from a girl P.O.V. - how are you ever going to know if a girl likes you or not if you don't make a move? If you make a move and she rejects it, you found out that much quicker that she isn't the one for you and you can quit wasting your time. Don't take it personally like she's saying, "You suck" if she rejects it - it just means she's not dating material for you. Which I would think is good news because then you can stop emotionally investing yourself. As long as you're not being gross or perverted (grabbing things you shouldn't on the second date), then I don't see how showing interest in a girl could "scare her away." If she's interested, she'll be happy that you're showing that you are, too! Casually reaching out to hold her hand when crossing the street or just walking down the street - whatever. That's pretty low pressure and at least you're not looking at her face if she does reject you.
prettybaby Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm really curious and would like to get some honest responses from the shy guys: how would you feel if she actually initiated physical contact, or even a kiss? Logically, that would make things easier for you, right? Would it scare you in a way?
39388 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm really curious and would like to get some honest responses from the shy guys: how would you feel if she actually initiated physical contact, or even a kiss? Logically, that would make things easier for you, right? Would it scare you in a way? I am someone who often has a lot of trouble picking up nonverbal signs which can often leaves me shy or even scared when first getting to know someone. It would make things easier and would not scare me at all.
zhsoj Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am someone who often has a lot of trouble picking up nonverbal signs which can often leaves me shy or even scared when first getting to know someone. It would make things easier and would not scare me at all. Same.......
Author remid Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, I'd actually like that she makes the move...
carhill Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm really curious and would like to get some honest responses from the shy guys: how would you feel if she actually initiated physical contact, or even a kiss? Logically, that would make things easier for you, right? Would it scare you in a way? Well, I was somewhat shy for the 20 or so years I was single and don't ever recall being scared if a woman showed obvious signs of affection or interest. I would say, most specifically, that I became more withdrawn when presented with inconsistent signals, mainly because (I understand now) I was starting to doubt the health of any potential R with such a person. The main thing which kept my wife in the game, looking back, was her consistency. She got that part right, for me. As far as the OP, it's really simple. If you like her (this is really important, that you understand your feelings), you simply call her (no texts/e-mails/psychic hotlines) and ask her out again. Soon. If she agrees and you go on a date, be open to how *you* feel. Don't worry about how she feels. Note how she feels in her discourse with you, but don't worry about it. When you feel like touching her, do it. When you want to kiss her, do it. Trust that she knows how to communicate her interest (or the reverse) to you. Do not try to think for her or read her thoughts. You'll never get it right See your date as the opportunity to get to know someone new and expand your (and her) life. Expressions of affection validate your appreciation for her and that dynamic. Forget an end game. Live in the moment. Get back to us
39388 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, I'd actually like that she makes the move... I wouldn't mind if the woman did. Even better would be to know when is the right time and then I could make it.
Author remid Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Yeah, well I probably shouldn't think too much about what she may or may not expect me to do and be more spontaneous... that's to say just doing what I'd like to do (and don't worry: by that, I don't mean grabbing her ass!). The only problem is that it's very difficult for me... I've been reading some advice that say that doing as if she is already my girlfriend might help... well, I'd like to try but it's still not so easy: with your girlfriend, you know how she will react, you know what she likes/dislikes...
39388 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 To overcome shyness you have to take risks. With me, once I do something once, I can often easily do it 1000 times. Getting that first one is hard and to do that means taking a risk. What is import too is getting the worst case scenario out of your head. For example I am often afraid to ask people for something. I was afraid of an answer worse than no. In many cases, I waited and asked or never asked. Turns out, the answer was often yes and was just about never worse than no.
Author remid Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Yesterday I asked her to a movie... Right after we sat, she put down the armrest between our seats. So I didn't know what to think about it... But she still sat really close to me on her seat so I got close too and finally took her hand. But just after the movie, she became quite distant again... It really looks like I'm super bad at reading her signals... It's been 3 dates, haven't even kissed... I feel like there's something wrong with me...
Author remid Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Oh well, it's maybe not that bad: she just asked me out on sunday!
Recommended Posts