Any answers ? bf needs "space"

[nicki]

Yes, Ramrod, there's nothing like a new guy to shake up the old guy!

 

It's fun to mess with them. When my ex called me, I always said I was just walking out the door to meet someone (even when I wasn't). Drove him nuts. He couldn't believe how "fast I had moved on."

 

Either way, it does feel good to let him know that YOU have other options, maybe a whole lot better (and bigger) than him.

 

But, still don't expect to get back with him. You act like you are moving on, and soon you will be.

[Ramrod]

Its perfectly natural for couples who have dated since teenagers to think about what else is out there.

 

90% of situation like this is about wanting to have sex with others.

 

And I think thats ok?

 

 

I'm 45 with testosterone levels on the high end of normal, can still have mutually satisfying sex 4-5 times a day (maybe not consecutive days LOL), but I still have an erections and have had my fair share of partners, let me tell you what I know SEX WITH "OTHER" PEOPLE IS OVER-RATED.

 

While this may be what their after, their going to be very disappointed with what they find. I'd rather give up sex and be relagated to having to masturbate as long as I was always with the woman of my dreams.

[Lizzie1127]

Is it possible to have a mid life crisis at 29? Joins the gym, new job totally different attitude...He called again and stupid me answered. I made sure to sound completetly happy and he said he just wanted me to know that he'd call me tomorrow after work. I told him I might be going out so if he did to just leave a message to which I got the best moment of silence I ever heard. He then advised me to not get drunk and drive (which I would never do and he knows it) and to call him back when i get home tomorrow. Then he told me to have a great day, I said "you too goodnight" and left it at that.

I wanted to call back immediately but I am not doing it!! That silence I wish you could have heard it like he just couldn't believe I was going out. Whatever I don't know why he calls just to talk to me in that totally disinterested tone. I swear it's almost like "hey just calling to let you know the break up is still on" It sucks because now even if he came to me on his knees everything would be different. How could I ever believe he was happy? Not to mention he is hurting me so bad right now and yet still wants me "around" which at first I thought was him trying to comfort me, now pretty convinced otherwise. He is unbeliveable, during our last conversation he said "I don't want you to wait for me, who knows if I'll decide to come back" wtf really?

I hope to God I still have a job tomoorow. I was so out there I just staed in bed Mon/Tues. That would really take the cake.....I tried not to be forceful with him on the "ring" because I didn't feel like you should pressure someone on that, I let him treat me like old news for so long beacse loved him and this is what I get for standing by him and loving him so much. No damn justice, I wish the mood swings would stop **mad/crying/hopeless/over analyzing/numb/mad etc**

[SirDingleus]

I didn't read through everyone else's responses so it may have been covered already. But he sounds like he's over the relationship. I need space is guy talk for I want to see other people.

 

The point of a relationship is to share space, especially in the 7 year range. You obviously need alone time too, but thats not what he's asking for. He is saying I want you to agree to allow me to get away from you for more time then I do already.

 

I would say batten down the hatches. But you won't, you will think he will come out of it, and hope. Hence you are posting here.

 

In truth there is a small chance he may, he may take some space and decide he was stupid for it. But that is such a small percentage chance. If he's asking for space he's setting up for the "it's not you it's me" conversation.

[Treasa]

Aww hon, I actually think you're doing very well! And I'm proud of you for volunteering at the Humane Society. What did you do while you were there?

 

I think you handled it well by saying you'd be out tomorrow. Try your very best not to take his call tomorrow if possible. I don't agree that there's necessarily someone else. I can say from personal experience that guys saying they need space sometimes means EXACTLY THAT.

 

At the same time, I think you need to focus on yourself and the people around you who love you. I think this breakup or space request or whatever it is may be a blessing in disguise. Maybe this relationship in the state it was in kept you from developing and growing. Maybe this is a really good time for some introspection, some independence, and maybe even some new hobbies.

 

I don't know if this guy will come back or not. If he doesn't, please know that it just means that he wasn't right for you, and there's someone out there who will make you wonder why you ever spent time with this one. Someone who will make you feel loved more than you ever thought possible.

 

At the same time, maybe at some point you'll get back together. But for now, please take space, focus on yourself, and don't contact him. And do your best not to take his calls very often. If you do, be breezy and light, don't ask any questions, and keep the calls short.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

 

And three bunnies for you, since I really do have three bunnies, and they're pulling for you too. :bunny: And yes, I got them all from the Humane Society.

[manugeorge]

You have to allow yourself to get mad at him. Why will he tell you he needs space and then turn around and call you everyday? WTF? He needs to pick a side and stick to it. Like I said,, don't let him use you to get over you.

 

Summon you inner strength and let him know that he needs to stop messing with your mind, it's cruel. If he needs his space, then the phone calls have to stop, period!!!. If not, all he will do is string you along, using you as a back up/crutch until something more promising comes along and only then will he drop you cold. In the meantime, you will be sitting there thinking, "oh he still calls me, he must still like me" Bull****.

 

I've sooo been where you are. I was too weak to tell him where to stick his space. I kept answering his calls and seeing him, hoping that will lead to us getting back together. Guess what? as soon as he met someone else, the calls stopped cold. I felt like he broke up with me all over again and it didn't hurt any less this second time around. The whole time I was entertaining him, I could have gotten over him. Please don't fall into that trap.

 

He doesn't get to have it both ways, not at your expense. Stand up for yourself for once. It will be hard, I know it really sucks right now but you will gradually feel better. Just don't let him use you as a doormat.

[chrislovestosurf]

Lizzie you are on the right track by finding those things you didnt like about him. As Niki said concentrate on all the negative things you didnt like about him or the ones you now realize were so bad! You also kept the convos short and you indicated you may not be around for him.

He will not forget you, thats for sure. In fact, the more you show him you have a life, the more he is going to be curious about the whole thing. dont call him and if you do answer a call be civil and keep it short and emotionless.

 

You'll be fine, it may get worse before it gets better. keep listening to what we advise and keep us up to date with how he is reacting to your new life! remember this is a win/win situation for you.

 

If you guys ever do get back (and dont count on it please) youd better make him earn it.

[socalifbabe]

OMG..I'm going through the exact same thing right now..4 year relationship and like an idiot I still make myself TOO available. I was actually going to post when i saw your dilemma!! I have noticed that when I didn't call or text for about 3 days..he always calls me and makes the excuse that he is telling me about something he saw on the news. Last week I texted him to tell him about something and he actually called me 2 hours later. I didn't answer. He then called the next day and I asked what he wanted and he said he had called to let me know he received my text...YEA RIGHT. He isn't working right now and is staying at his parent's..his self esteem is really low. He can't deal with our relationship because he doesn't feel he has anything to offer me right now. There is more to my story and I will post later.

[socalifbabe]

By any chance was your BF born in December/January? He sounds a lot like my ex !

[Lizzie1127]

Thnaks guys as always. He was born in November Well work was surprisingly nice, at least I was distracted. He called me four times I didn't answer. I felt a little bad because he had told me he would and I was completly ignoring it. Then he left me a pissed voicemail "yeah I've called you like 4 friggen times, just letting you know I'm going out with the guys" So now my crazy head was like what guys, where? And I called, such a mistake, such a big mistake. He was smug as hell when I called and proceeded to let me know he'll call me tomorrow but dosen't know what time as he is going out again. By the way these two new friends of his are total slime and I thought that before any of this. One just left his pregnant girlfriend of 5 years and the other one is just a player.

Anyway now my skin is crawling because I'm sitting here tired after work and he's out with God knows who doing God knows what. I tried to act like I cared less if he called but the damage was done, I caved.

I mean I want to talk to him because I do care about him and yes I'm just trying to hold on to hope but I don't want to talk to him because it's just hurting me and I'd rather not know about the girl after me or the home or ay of that. The crazy thing is despite all this I really do want him to be happy, I just wish it was with me.

At this point I have pretty much accepted it's done. I'm still completely devastated but it's like I'm too drained and defeated to even get as upset as before. Someome said he's getting ready for the "it's not me it's you" been there!!! He said "I know it's cliche but it really is me"

I really wish I could stop wanting to talk to him. I realize now that I'm grasping at straws. I did call some old friends today though to try and set up plans.

It really is like he is a different person, his attitude, his actions even his voice seems different. I don't know it looks like it's finished and I really don't want to be that desperate ex girlfriend. It's not even just "us" I miss it's everything we planned on and worked for together. I miss just a hug from him or knowing that after a bad day we'd be laughing and laying in bed. We've been through so much together, a million inside jokes and moments. I guess I can't accept that he wants to walk away from that but I have to.

All of a sudden I'm on my own and it's really scary and really lonely. I can't believe I'm single, I feel so damn old. Besides I wouldn't know how to get a guy if he threw himself at me, I don't know the first thing about being single and I don't want to end up alone especially while he'll probably find some chick and get married to her within a year. I can't believe he's really doing this. Also at first I completely didn't buy that it was anyone else he is just so shy and I don't know it just dosen't seem plausible but all of a sudden I'm just wondering. Like I straight out asked him and he was so offended and pissed. I don't know why I asked like he'd even tell me anyway. Whatever that thought it all I need right now...

[hotgelato]

I didn't read other people's replies, so mine could be repetitive.

I think 7 years is a long time. People change. Even friends change as they explore new things in life.

You said he started his new job lately. Guys at his age want to succeed in their careers and I find most guys are really focused on that so they could have something to provide their future families with.

I am so sorry for your pain and sadness... but perhaps you should think of this as an opportunity to explore your life other than him. Personally, I'm a career-driven woman so I wish u all the success in your new job. As you both work in new environment and meet new people, either he realizes you are the one for you, or lets you be in the past.

It's just life. People grow apart in 7 years...

[Ramrod]

He asked for space, yet he demands your attention???

 

He's angry and jealous when you don't run, jump and rollover on command anymore???

 

 

Forget this loser. You will not be alone. You are not alone right now. You have the support of this community.

 

Many guys would love to date you. I'm sure you meet at least one a day, provided you leave home and interact with one single male each day.

 

Relax. Your BF is a loser. He wants to go out and live life on his terms and have you around as a back-up plan.

 

If you want to see just how big a hypocrite he is then all you have to do is go out on one single date and let him know his space idea is working for you. Tell him you want more not less space. Let him know your not going to invest anymore time, care or concern in him and his comings and goings. Because for all you know he is planning a new life without you.

 

And tell him your fine with that as long as he knows this represents a fork in the road and you will be traveling seperate paths and that you will conduct yourself as a single and available female. In fact, tell him your online dating and are surprised by just how many single men there are in the state, country and world who find you a promising prospect.

 

You want him back? Fight fire with fire. Want a better BF? Get out there and find one. Keep us posted. If you were in Jersey, I'd come over and watch movies with you and keep you company while your BF spreads his wings LOL! I don't know how good looking your BF is but I bet he'd get jealous regardless. You got to get out there darling, if this R is meant to be it will happen, if not, don't delay, play the hand fate/karma dealt you and find your Mr Wonderful, he's waiting for you.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Hugs to you. You handled that last phone call perfectly. Now is the time to tell him to stop calling you. He's using you as a crutch. Let him know what it really feels like to NOT have you in his life.

 

People grow and change and sometimes we grow apart. It is a fact of life, but one of the toughest we will ever face. Been there, done that. You need time to mourn the life you had, and the life you thought you were going to have. 6 months from now, you will be like a new woman

 

Keep volunteering at the Humane Society. The animals will give you love and you can feel like you are doing something positive in the world. Surround yourself with friends, take up a sport or hobby, keep yourself busy and occupied. You don't want to spend all your time crying on the couch with a pint of Hagen Dasz, but at the same time, allow yourself to cry sometimes too.

 

A long time ago I went through a bad break up. I was really hurt and feeling very lost. I read a book called "In the Meantime" by Iyala Vanzant. It's been a while, so I don't remember the details of the book. I just remember that it really lifted my spirits.

[chrislovestosurf]

Lizzie, good thing about being a woman is that you dont need to "know how to get a man." Especially if you are good looking or have a good personality, or both. Let the guys to do the work on coming to you, as long as you make eye contact a few times.

 

Stop calling him!!!!!!!!!! He's being a dickhead. He doesnt get you period. If he asks why you are not returning his calls just politely tell him that you need to move on with your life, and that maybe you can be friends again someday. He will panic because it seems he wants you as a best friend. he will probably start playing games with you but dont fall into the trap of letting him string you along.

 

I wish you were in jersey too! I'd take ya out to dinner and talk about it, there is so much i want to say on this subject.

[lamaman3]

You are being way too nice Lizzie - Take it from a guy who did the same thing to his gf as youre bf is doing to you...

 

He wants to try to be a "cool player" now but he wont be able to - you know hes still the shy awkward insecure guy...He wants the best of both worlds - your affection and the ability to be a player. It's over - there is no hope of getting back together - being friends will never work. Trying to get back will simply repulse him even more. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE im begging you to follow my plan.

 

NO CONTACT - I know its hard, don't pick up the phone when he calls, don't answer texts, don't email, delete him off your facebook. If you absolutely have to pick up the phone - dont be nasty but dont be sweet. Act like youre talking to a telemarketer. Ask him what he wants and if he says he just wanted to say hi to you or tell you hes going out or blah blah tell him that since youre no longer his gf theres no reason for him to tell you that and to pleasge give you youre "space" and not to call you unless its something very important. Tell him there is no chance of you being friends and you want to say youre goodbyes. Flip the script! You are scared that will make him forget about you and think that you dont care - TRUST ME it will have the opposite effect - it will make him crazy and questioning himself on if hes making a mistake and what he lost - and if he dosent, there was no chance anyways.

 

PLEASE PLEASE do this and update.

 

EDIT: Don't delete him off your facebook but don't ever look at his page - put up pics of you having fun and get guys and other friends to write on your wall. Also subtly hint that youre sleeping with a new guy - dont say it explicitly but things like "Yea I didnt get home until 6 am" etc. If you want I'll write on your wall

[Treasa]

LOL!

 

Lizzie, look at how many guys on just this thread alone are giving you positive attention.

 

It should show you that you're awesome. I don't even know you, but I can tell from your posts.

 

I know you're struggling, but I think you're doing extremely well.

 

If you want female "attention" on your Facebook or whatever, and REALLY make this dude do a double-take, let me know. I love messing with people who deserve it. And my boyfriend would find it funny as hell.

[Lizzie1127]

Really really glad I have you guys, you have no idea how much your support/insight mean to me. Today I picked up all my stuff, I don't want to have to deal with this down the road I just want to be done with this. I called him and told him "I'm coming to get my stuff and I'm leaving" his reply was that he was going to the gym and I'd have to get it another day I told him no I was getting it today. He was there when I got there anyway. His mother was giving me this look what "what the hell is going on?" and his sister gave me this huge hug. I love his family I wish they weren't connected to him.

As I'm getting my things I was so mad I swear I was almost shaking. I had so many things that I wanted to say (yell but I didn't. He was silent. Then I just lost it, basically I told him as cooly as possible that I deserved better than what he had done and he knew it. First he said he didn't owe me anything except not fooling around on me which he didn't then he started saying stuff like "we hardly ever saw eachother and I realized that was okay with me, it was like I didn't even have a girlfriend" and that "I didn't want to hurt you but I just wasn't happy" and "at one time he thought we would get married" then he tells me that he's not doing anything but playing pool with the guys when he goes out to which I rolled me eyes because really I don't even care anymore. So he says "I'm serious thats the last thing on my mind I can't even get ha** I'd just humilate myself. It's actually freaking me out" Good I hope the guilt/stress leaves him forever impotent!!

Then I said something like "you fu**ing lied to me all those years, you were never going to marry me" to which he replied "Ya know what in two years I'll probably look back and say what the f was I thinking but I have to do this. My family wants you to stay in touch with them, my mother wants to know what the hell I'm doing" and that "I'm almost 30 and I don't even know if I want kids" Then he says (you'll love this) "if we're both lonely in two years we can always get married".......r u kidding me? He was also nice enough to let me know that if I needed some money to "get me started" on a place I could come to him. Nothing like good old pity right? I declined thanks.

Anyway I left and he called to let me know he was home from getting gas (left a pointless message) He still wants us to be close which to me is impossible. Not even from a sad point of view but just because I am so disgusted with the whole thing. I wasted 7 years waiting and believing that he really did want to have a life with me and then he just walked away leaving me to hold the emotional baggage while he's out "playing pool" I'm also so upset that I had said to him when I was working nights that I was afarid it would strain us and he said "what are you worried about, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together"

I mean for the past few months he made me feel so unwanted and every time I brought it up he would get pissed and say he was tired and I was over sensistive I should have went wih my gut.

Anyway I have been calling old friends of mine which I pretty much left behind when I started dating him. Good friends are amazing I can't believe how supportive they all are. All of them are married/engaged and I kind of feel ashamed of my situation but whatever, what can I do? There are so many people we know that don't ven know yet some of which used to tease me about not having that ring yet. I dread them finding out, it's so humiliating.

I am going to try and get out next weekend. This weekend I think I'll have some me time. I love reading and have not had a good book in forever, maybe a hair cut....I did eat a little today which made me sick since I've been living on water and a few crackers since Sunday. I'm actually excited about volunteering at the Humane Society, I always wanted to do that now I actualy can. On a side note I told him about that waaaay earlier in the week and his response was "you don't get paid?" yeah a**hole hence the word volunteering, sorry still bitter.

Best part of today was a pretty cute guy did smile at me when I was pumping gas. I am so far from there but it did help my bashed ego. I really wish tomorrow was not Valentine's Day but oh well I'll be my own Valentine!

Really you guys thanks from the bottom of my heart. I will try and continue to be trusting, I was so good to him and somewhere deep down I know I deserve better. It's just such a huge adjustment, I know it's going to take time. I know he's still going to call, why can't he accept that he ended it and as much as he makes me laugh and how much I care about him I literally can't have him in my life this way. It's odd when we were talking/fighting today I realized that it's like he's a stranger to me now. Like the guy I was with all those years was gone. As for the facebook idea as hilarious and satisfying as it would be he is far from computer savy and dosen't have one. Too bad...oh and right before I left he asked if I could burn a c.d for him that one of his new friends gave him. I wish you guys could see me and tell me if I have "door mat" imprinted on my forehead.....

[chrislovestosurf]

ill be your valentine

[Lizzie1127]

yay I have a sweet Valentine and my bf has no one

[chrislovestosurf]

:love:so its official Lizzie is my valentine..