Any answers ? bf needs "space"

[Lizzie1127]

I really need help with this any advice appreciated. I have been with the same guy for 7 years, since I was 18 and he was 21. We've had our arguments and everything but over all we were extremely happy. We just got along so perfectly, he is definitley my best friend as well as my bf. He has always been completely honest, sweet and reliable. I was out of work for a year and he completely covered all my expenses. Always supportive and just made me so happy.

We have both started new jobs withing the last year. He loves his job but it is very time consuming. Over the past few months when I would visit him he would sometimes seem disintersted and ready for me to leave, said he was tired. A few nights ago we got into a minor argument and he said he couldn't do it anymore. The next nigh he said he had been "silly" then last night the truth came out.

He says that he knows it's really selfish but he needs time all about him right now. He says that he dosen't want to answer to anyone that he just wants to be himself and do what he wants to do. He says it has nothing to do with me as I never give him a hard time about doing anything. It's just that he wants freedom. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no and that went against the whole idea of how he feels. Basically he wants space. I asked if he loved me and he said "all I can say is I love you in the sense that I would do anything for you" However he also says he will call me everyday and that he wants us to get to the point that I won't be sad when I see him.

I asked if he ever wants it to work and he said he has no timeline for how he feels and that we should both just do our own thing and see what happens. When we hung up out of habbit I said I love you and he said I love you too. He also said that he is just "not there" and that he dosen't like the way he's trating me like not wanting to cuddle or fool around.

I have no idea where this is coming from. I feel like I'm dead inside, I can't even cry anymore. Do realtionships ever recover from something like this? Is there anything I can do? Is this something guys feel sometimes? I should mention that we were casually talking about getting a house a few months back but it was totally his idea. Should I casually see/talk to him when he calls or is this a bad thing? He is so angry and frustrated and says he has no answers for me and we will just have to see. Please can anyone give me an idea what is going on in his head???? It hurts so bad, 7 years!!!

[Ramrod]

I think you should give him all the space he needs right now. I suspect there is another woman he'd like to begin dating but will not do it with you in the picture. Assuming he has no drug problem or mental health issues I think your relationship is pulling into the station and you should begin to plan live without him moving forward. I'm sorry I know this is not what you want to hear, but then, if your relationship was all that, why would he want to take a break and put distance and space between you?

[mclovin]

He may be tired or rundown with work and everything else. Maybe too much is going on in his life and he just needs time for personal reflection.

 

Pull away for a while and see what happens. If he disappears, good ridance. If he comes back, play things cooly and let things happen naturally. However, I would be a little cautious. Sometimes a request for "space" could be a warning that he wants to break off the relationship or just keep you at an arms length distance.

[chrislovestosurf]

this is what I think...

 

I think he wants to explore his options with other women, after all he has been with you for 7 years and he is now 28, right? Those are the prime years in terms of meeting people and having a good time, and he probably feels like he missed out on a few meaningless hookups with random girls.

 

Here is what I think is going to happen... he will probably date around and maybe get it out of his system after 6 months to a year. he will spend more time with his friends and live the single life unitl he wakes up one morning and misses the hell out of you and wants to get back together.

 

You should not stay in contact with him and play it very cool, even though you feel dead inside. Dont call him crying, dont email him, and if he contacts you, act like it doesnt phase you and keep the conversation short and civil. That is the preliminary step towards getting him back. TRust me. He needs to know that you have a life and have options as well.

 

7 years is a lot of time and if you think hes the guy for you then you have to let it go for now. I am sure he loves you to death and he WILL miss you. Men are stupid, we really dont realize what we lost until it is gone. I have been there and I lost someone that I should not have. If he is worth your time in the future and he comes crawling back in a few months, then do it cautiously and make him chase you, if you know what i mean.

 

I feel bad for you, i know how it feels but it will be ok. Why not go out and beat him at his own game when you feel you are ready? Remember, you are the prize! Hang in there it will all work out for the best.

 

Chris

[SoulSearch_CO]

I think that whatever it means, you need to give him his space. Either he'll realize how much he would miss if you weren't in his life and things will get back on track, or he'll decide he's better off without you - but at least you'll have your self-respect. And if you keep pushing him after he's told you he needs space, that will backfire big time. It'll feel to him like you're trying to control him and pretty much cement in his mind that he doesn't want you at all. When the X and I separated, he would not give me my space. It made me start to resent him and dislike him even more.

 

So give him his space - it may be a good time for you to start to decide what YOU want out of life and the best way you can go about getting that. But just don't let your identity be tied up in some guy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He needs space because he no longer wants to be in a relationship (perhaps not necessarily 'you' are the issue, just the idea of being tied down) and it sounds like he wants to play the field.

 

He is giving you what sounds like hopeful things to hold on to but trust me: all it is, is nostalgia mixed with wanting to let you down easy.

 

I'm sure he feels guilty about what he is doing, but don't mistake guilt and nostalgia for 'a second chance'.

 

It just won't happen in this case.

 

Your best bet is to sever ties completely. It will hurt, but know this - it will hurt far less than hanging on to a dying relationship for a long time.

[Treasa]

He may be tired or rundown with work and everything else. Maybe too much is going on in his life and he just needs time for personal reflection.

 

Pull away for a while and see what happens. If he disappears, good ridance. If he comes back, play things cooly and let things happen naturally. However, I would be a little cautious. Sometimes a request for "space" could be a warning that he wants to break off the relationship or just keep you at an arms length distance.

 

Agreed. Do not contact him for any reason.

 

Also, although I abhor games, I would avoid some of his calls for a day or two, or just on occasion. Become very involved in your own life, and don't always be around to take his calls. Give him as much space as he needs. Go completely no contact.

 

When you do talk, be cool and sound happy with the way things are going in your own life. Don't pressure him or ask any questions. If he complains about things, be sympathetic, but don't be a doormat.

 

My boyfriend did the whole "space" thing a couple of times. It was truly about needing space. There were no other girls. I had just been acting very clingy and annoying.

 

However, in my case, each time only lasted about a day or two, until he realized he missed me.

[Lizzie1127]

I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind, crying then pissed then crying it's the worst thing I've ever been through. We talked last night he said "I'll tell people it was a great relationship" but also said I love you too when we hung up. He wants to spend a lot of time with me once I'm not sad seeing him I asked if it will be as a couple and he said "who knows" All of a sudden the guy who didn't want to go anyhwere is going out every night. I did ask him if there was someone else he said no and that not what it was about and that if the situation presented itself he would tell me long before anything actually happened. I feel like I can't accept this like it can't be real. I mean this is the same guy who always told me how lucky he is to have me and how beautiful/smart/sexy I was. He even told me a few months ago how he hates that he taked me for granted!!!

I just can't imagine how we went from so happy to this. He said he is not emotional because he knew it for awhile. Why didn't he tell me? Also he won't even answer my question as far as if this is because of him or me. Like he said "you are the pretty much perfect girlfriend" but if that's true then I doubt we'd be having this horror. I asked if he thought of me as a friend and he said "a special friend, you think I just woke up one day and decided to do this to you? I have not been sleeping well lately either" Then same conversation I said so you don't love me anymore and he said "you make it hard" because yeah pathetic me I kept calling.

I know I need to get my own life because honestly he has been the center of it since I was 18. I don't know if I depend on him too much or if it's his life changing (new job, turning 30, us talking about a house) I'm really sorry I'm rambling everyone I'm just so out of my mind right now. Do couples ever recover from something like this? And if I do give him space won't he think I don't care and just drift further away? He wants me to come over tomorrow and hang out all day (no fooling around I already asked if that was the idea and he said "not even a little bit" please help why is he doing this, is there a chance for recovery and should I try to get some better answers from him or just not even go there?

[nicki]

Big hug to you. I know you are hurting.

 

Be very careful here. He has asked for space. You must give it too him. If you cling, it will push him away even further.

 

I know this is the hardest thing for you because you want him to comfort you because you are hurting so much!

 

Don't let him pull the whole space thing and then get to spend time with you. That's called downgrading. Don't allow it.

 

He only gets your time, your affection, your body if he is your boyfriend. Remember that. He may well break things off, come back for sex and then after you feel bonded and upset at his distance, say "Wait a minute. We aren't together. I need my space." Don't let this happen.

 

If he wants space, he gets space. That means he doesn't get to see you or sleep with you.

 

And what's this crap about wanting to see you when it doesn't hurt you so much? Sounds like he is trying to move you into the friends or friends with benefits zone. Use it against him. Tell him you can't see him because it would hurt.

 

Then don't see him.

 

I once heard (here) the only response to someone asking for space is "Do you need help packing?"

 

Not to make light of your painful situation, but that once helped me.

 

This is like an addiction. You love him, and then you get cut off from him. It's awful.

 

There is a good book called Love Addiction or something that talks about the best way to take care of yourself while in the midst of pain. It might be worth checking out.

 

I know you will be okay, whatever happens. It's what you do now to take care of yourself that's important. Not what the future brings. Focus on that.

[nicki]

The only way he is going to see what he is missing is if he can miss it. That means no contact, no spending time together.

 

If you give him your time, you reward him and allow him to be away from you and possibly date others. And he gets his fix of you.

 

Don't do it. No contact until he is ready to come back for good. Tell him he can have as much space as he needs to figure things out....and that come to think of it, you want your own space too now that you realize your relationship isn't what you thought it was.

[soyou]

"I need space" is another of typef breaking up but the phrasing and victims have been switched.

 

Your BF may have felt so guilt and not brave enough to tell you straight forword that he wanted to break up. So, instead, he plays a victiom. He wants to have freedom to play the field and want to keep you as a backup.

 

Imagine this, during the time he has freedom and space, he will hang out, go around and see other women. If he sees anyone better, he will come back and offically kick your ass out of his life.

 

If he cant find anybody better out there, here we go.You are his backup. He never says "goodbye" so you alays wait for him, for a day he's ready to commit again.

 

I had a close boy friend, who did exactly what your BF did to you, believe me or not. He is not yours anymore. No matter clingy or gluey you are, this guy is moving away very fast out of your life.

 

If you passively wait for him and for a day, he feels like committed again, you are wasting your time .....

[Lizzie1127]

I can't believe how bad this hurts. I can even eat or sleep. I miss him so muc, he says he'll be there for me no matter what and always wants me in his life. Says I'm beautiful and the coolest chick he ever met and that he "loves me" (not in the romantic sense). We were on the verge of getting a home and now I'm left high and dry. He makes waaaaay more money than me. I was with him when he had nothing and loved him just the same. Now that he has lost a ton of weight and has this great job he just leaves me. He actually said if he had his way things would be just like they were with some aspects changed. Yeah like commitment, obligation and romance.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool, I'm so hurt and confused and helpless right now. He's moving on to this new life and I'm left behind. Why would he tell me that he wanted a life with me and now 7 years later when we can actually do it he leaves? Can you fall out of love with a person? When the pain go away, I have no one to talk to and I don't know how to cope with this. The worst part is I do want to see him because I miss him but I know it will destroy me.

He said "this is something I have to do right now and who knows in three months it might bite me in the ass but it's my decision" and that "you think that I just have this great new life and that I consider you the past, that's not true I'm just not there for a relationship right now"

Please someone tell me how to move on from this, I miss him and everything I had planned and worked for marriage, a home, kids everything is gone and I feel so alone and worthless. Sorry to be so negative but it physically hurts. Why is he doing this and what should I do? I mean should I cut tied sompletely or just talk to him sometimes he said he'd be really down if we didn't talk anymore and that he wants me to be the first person he calls about things and vice versa. Please how can I feel better, I wish I hadn't centered so much on him and let myself be in this position why did he do this to me? I have nothing to lok forward to and no one to share anything with. I have never really been on my own. I don't know how to be single???? Can a man love you and just not be in a relationship mind set? And Valentines day coming, so so so sorry about the rambling.

[Treasa]

I've been through similar things with boyfriends. Your boyfriend has raised a few red flags, though.

 

Whatever you do, please stop talking to him for a while. It'll be really hard, and it'll make you feel incredibly anxious, but it's important. He's gotten to the point where he's taking you for granted. He shouldn't get to see or talk to you.

 

If he calls, don't answer. If he asks you to hang out with him, don't go. Tell him you're sorry but you have other plans.

 

I think you need to really pull inside and focus on the crisis that you're going through at the moment. It can be very scary to be "alone" for the first time. The truth is that you're not alone, and you're more self sufficient than you think.

 

People love you and are there for you. You should focus on these people right now. Find a psychologist. Go volunteer at the Humane Society taking dogs for walks or petting bunnies or something.

 

Just please avoid this guy at all costs. Don't tell him how much he means to you, don't ask him questions of any kind. If he absolutely must talk to him, sound as unconcerned and upbeat and cheerful as possible. Remember that your life will go on.

 

I've felt completely destroyed by several relationships that ended. I got over all of them in time, though. That's the hard part. Being patient enough to let time do its work.

 

He may come back. My current boyfriend was sort of similar, and he did come back. But I had to really let go and focus on myself for that to happen.

[nicki]

Another big hug to you. You are grieving. What you feel is the pain we are left with after a death....the death of your relationship.

 

You will get through it, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. The first few days are the hardest. It is like withdrawl.

 

Listen to what Soyou said. You don't want to wait around for this guy to date and then to decide to be with you if nothing better comes along. And you don't want to wait around to officially get dumped by him if he does find someone else.

 

Better to swallow the whole bitter pill right now so you aren't left hanging on.

 

Please go to the bookstore and buy a book on breaking up. There is one called "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken." Or pick whatever one that calls to you. It will really help you feel like you are doing something active.

 

This is NOT your fault. You are still your wonderful self. That's not the issue at all. It will drive you crazy to think that you could have avoided this. You simply couldn't have.

 

Don't let him bamboozle you into being his emotional support. He doesn't get to "talk to you all the time" or "call you first with news" or whatever BS he is giving you. That's just code for "I'm keeping you on the backburner by keeping you emotionally involved."

 

Don't fall for it. And don't go to the guy causing you pain for comfort. Rule number one. Go elsewhere. Like here. Like the bookstore. Anywhere but him. He's cut off both ways. He doesn't get you for emotional support, and he doesn't get to be YOUR emotional support.

 

Please go no contact with him. Do it just for a few days to start if you have to. But do it. It will hurt, but it will give you great clarity. Even if you do continue to talk with him (and I wouldn't), be sure to keep it superficial, short, and don't share a thing with him. Treat him like a stranger and tell him as about much as you would one.

 

I don't know how to help you, except to say that we have all been there and that there is something good at the end of all this. Whether that's a relationship with him or someone else, or just a rediscovery of yourself and your dreams, it will work out better than how it's been lately.

 

The truth hurts, but it really can set you free.

 

The best case scenario is that he misses you and comes back, begging for another chance. Another best case scenario is that you see there is a better situation for you out there. Another best case scenario is that he stays out of your life and you have avoided years of pain that you can't see would have happened.

 

You will be okay. You don't need him. Give yourself what you want him to give you. And reach out to anyone you can to help you. Family, friends, even new friends. We've all been through it, and a new friend would probably love to help you.

 

But don't go to him. Cut him out of your heart right now.

[Enema]

Dating for 7 years and you still don't live together?

 

This says to me, "I'm not ready to be committed yet"... and then, he asks for even more space.

 

He's just a wuss that's too chicken to break up with you properly. Don't be the desperate ex-gf hoping he gets bored of new vagina and comes back to you. This is clearly what he wants - you as a backup plan.

 

He thinks he's missed out on trying out a bunch of strange tang and he wants to see what it's like.

 

Sure, he might come back to you when he's had his fun and stuck it in enough fresh meat... but do you want to settle for seconds?

 

Go NC, treat this as a proper, forever breakup. Move on.

[openbook08]

ugh. tell him if he wants space become a *****ing astronaut.

 

lovey i feel your pain. its horrible when youre whole life, past, present, future comes crashing down around you. similar happened with my ex of 5years. its like youve now gotta reprogramme yourself.

 

fortunately for you, youve found loveshack at the right time. youve been given brilliant advice above so take time to read through it & soak it all in.

 

you said maybe youre too dependant on him...&dont know any other kind of living..i understand that i do. completely. so the first thing you have to do is put YOU first. right now. it cant be why did he do this? whats he thinking? will he want me again? these thoughts will try to dominate & for the moment prob. will win out but if you can start by doing or thinking 1 thing everyday that puts YOU first its a start. take up a new hobby, treat yourself, get a new hairstyle, new clothes, read books. listen to music, catch up with all those old friendships that you may have let slide & turn to your family if you can.

 

right now is the worst part...those first few days are horrific but you are going to get through this. keep posting ok, i know i havent added much but really take the time, as i said already, to read all the posts, we only want whats best for you.

[Ramrod]

I can't believe how bad this hurts. I can even eat or sleep. I miss him so muc, he says he'll be there for me no matter what and always wants me in his life. Says I'm beautiful and the coolest chick he ever met and that he "loves me" (not in the romantic sense). We were on the verge of getting a home and now I'm left high and dry. He makes waaaaay more money than me. I was with him when he had nothing and loved him just the same. Now that he has lost a ton of weight and has this great job he just leaves me. He actually said if he had his way things would be just like they were with some aspects changed. Yeah like commitment, obligation and romance.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool, I'm so hurt and confused and helpless right now. He's moving on to this new life and I'm left behind. Why would he tell me that he wanted a life with me and now 7 years later when we can actually do it he leaves? Can you fall out of love with a person? When the pain go away, I have no one to talk to and I don't know how to cope with this. The worst part is I do want to see him because I miss him but I know it will destroy me.

He said "this is something I have to do right now and who knows in three months it might bite me in the ass but it's my decision" and that "you think that I just have this great new life and that I consider you the past, that's not true I'm just not there for a relationship right now"

Please someone tell me how to move on from this, I miss him and everything I had planned and worked for marriage, a home, kids everything is gone and I feel so alone and worthless. Sorry to be so negative but it physically hurts. Why is he doing this and what should I do? I mean should I cut tied sompletely or just talk to him sometimes he said he'd be really down if we didn't talk anymore and that he wants me to be the first person he calls about things and vice versa. Please how can I feel better, I wish I hadn't centered so much on him and let myself be in this position why did he do this to me? I have nothing to lok forward to and no one to share anything with. I have never really been on my own. I don't know how to be single???? Can a man love you and just not be in a relationship mind set? And Valentines day coming, so so so sorry about the rambling.

 

 

Go NC immediately, no visits, phonecalls, texts, im's emails, letters, postcards, social gatherings, mutual friends, zero zip nada nothing, this a-hole needs to be FROZEN out of your life. He has gone from a caterpillar into a butterfly but lacks the confidence, i.e. balls to to cut you loose altogether, let him know there is noo saftey net, no back-plan, no law-away, and no coming back. Eff him and the horse he rode in on.

[openbook08]

Go NC immediately, no visits, phonecalls, texts, im's emails, letters, postcards, social gatherings, mutual friends, zero zip nada nothing, this a-hole needs to be FROZEN out of your life. He has gone from a caterpillar into a butterfly but lacks the confidence, i.e. balls to to cut you loose altogether, let him know there is noo saftey net, no back-plan, no law-away, and no coming back. Eff him and the horse he rode in on.

 

 

AND what ramrod said!

[movingonandon]

I think people are a little too eager to assume that there is another woman in the picture or that he's no longer interested in the relationship. It may be, but is NOT necessarily true, so while this is a possibility, do not obsess over it.

 

I don't know what line of work is he in, but don't underestimate the impact of stress and anxiety on relationships. I've been in the exact same situation with my ex-girlfirnd - unbelieavable stress and anxiety during 2 whole effin years, during which I simply could not be as devoted to her as she apparently needed. While I've never felt that i need "space" from her or wanted to be on a "break" (well, last 2 yrs were LDR anyway ), I've felt multiple times that I just don't have the energy or the desire to call her or talk to her, and yes, I've even been relieved a couple of times after she left after visiting.

She took that as an avidence that I didn't love her anymore, while in reality it was just a consequence of my - as any human's - capacity to deal with more than one serious stress at a time. This was not the only reason she broke up with me, but a major one.

 

So, make up your mind based on actual information, not assumptions. definitely give him space, but do not shut down completely - be supportive, and make it clear that this means a lot to you, but of course don't be a doormat etc. .Good luck.

[keechie]

Aw, my heart hurts for you. I've been in a similar situation, though I dated him for 6 years, and I was with him from age 15-22 until we broke up. He pulled the whole, "I love you, but I want my space" crap, and when I asked him if there was the possibility of us getting back together, he told me, "Not right now." He also told me that there was no one else, but I found out through mutual friends that there actually was another girl, and he was keeping me around as a "just in case"! It was probably one of the worst experiences I had ever had, especially since he was my first everything and we had been together for so long.

 

Your boyfriend is trying to sugarcoat it, but yes, he is breaking up with you. I know it is hard to hear, (very hard!) but the sooner you let yourself realize it, the sooner you can start the mourning process. In fact, I think it's even worse that he's beating around the bush about the whole thing and using the stupidly vaguest terms possible with you about what he wants. You deserve better than that. I believe him when he says that you're the best girlfriend ever, because you sound like someone who is very loving and has her head on straight. His vague terms are out of guilt because he knows damn well that he's treating you badly, but that doesn't mean he's not breaking up with you.

 

Please, please don't bank on you two getting back together. Is it possible? Sure, but the possibility of never getting back together is greater. Seriously, if you keep yourself waiting around for him, you'll set yourself up for even more hurt down the road.

 

You're what, 24 or 25? You are young! Go out with your friends and take advantage of the things you can do in your 20s. The thing I had to learn after my breakup was discovering and seeing myself as my own person, not xxxx's girlfriend, since I had been with him so long during my formative years. It was very hard, but it was necessary, and I learned so much from it. In fact, looking back I'm grateful that we broke up.

[chrislovestosurf]

"Please, please don't bank on you two getting back together. Is it possible? Sure, but the possibility of never getting back together is greater. Seriously, if you keep yourself waiting around for him, you'll set yourself up for even more hurt down the road."

This is very important, you need to know that you are going to be ok no matter who is in your life. Once you are fine being who you are it will all make sense someday. Could take months, but it WILL make sense. Remember what he said, you are super sexy and cool and whatnot, do you know how many guys there are out there that are going to think the same thing? I am sure there are plenty of men that will make you forget about him, at least to some extent.

 

DONT CONTACT HIM AND DONT SPEND ANY MORE TIME WITH HIM. 1

[manugeorge]

I feel for you but this is a right of passage, you're just going to have to suck it up and nut it out like the rest of us.

 

Breakups suck but people go through it every day and they come out on the other side just fine. It's the process itself that hurts and nothing you do will make the pain go away faster. You just have to endure it and know that one day you will feel better, I guarantee you that.

 

It doesn't matter why he wants his space. The reasons don't count for anything. The point is he wants to break up, period, and that is your cue to exit. All the whys in the world won't make any difference.

 

Don't fall into the trap of hanging out with him hoping he will change his mind or letting him use you/your company to get over you. That will just spell more heartache for you.

 

Walk away. And no matter how much it hurts, endure it and always keep in mind that this too shall pass.

[Lizzie1127]

I can't say thanks enough to all of you. I actually did volunteer at the local Humane Society today and then when I came home I saw someone had suggested that. I guess great minds think alike

I had to get out of the house, I seriously was making myself sick. I still have not eaten, I have zero hunger and feel sick even thinking of eating.

I feel like I should be angry but I'm not.nHe had his great points, he was very good to me as far as always telling me how beautuful, smart I was etc and he used to be very affectionate and supportive but by the same token in 7 years he never even bought me flowers, we never even went out for drinks together!! I'm not kidding we never went anywhere and sometimes he would get so screaming mad at me for things that I thought were not that big of deal.

I honestly did depend on him a lot but I was always there for him too. His mother who I do love spoiled him rotten he is 29, no credit cards no checking account just got a cell phone last month. He's an intelligent guy but very immature in a lot of ways. That didn't even bother me, I figured we'd get through stuff together but whoever said he took me for granted, yeah to put it mildly. I just put up with it because I thought that's how he was and why should I force him to change. Besides I was just happy to be with him, I could live without the extras.

It's horrible everything reminds me of him!! I can't even seem to do simple things without forcing myself. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I wish I had set up to be independent. Now I'm stuck here with my parents who though I love them have drinking issues and are just loving telling me "we told you if he didn't give you a ring after a few years he never would" well they were right but I really don't want to hear it right now. I thought I was being loyal and I thought that he really loved me and that was the important thing.

Despite everything right now I do love him so so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through work tomorrow and deal with any mutual friends. Plus I miss his parents who I was extremely close with. I feel so stabbed in the back and devasted. We were just talking about homes and having kids....now it's all gone. Maybe I should get a book or something to help me out. Things were already tough for me right now and this just seems like the final nail ya know? He has called me and I didn't answer which was so hard because I feel like if I don't he'll forget about me. Which maybe I should want, honestly I don't even know how I feel right now. It's like I'm not even mad at him just disapointed but he's also my heart. Everything was us, he was the only person I can ever imagine being with. As far as him with someone else I'm really not getting that vibe from him and he's cute but no ladies man. Not that I'm discounting it, if I learned anything I guess it's never say never.

I really feel like all these changes in his life which was so routine before have him evaluating everything and maybe he needs to be single. I wish I could get in his head. He told me last night that "my feelings for you havn't changed, this is just something that I have to do" What does that mean!!?? I swear if he goes out and gets a house now that he's gotten rid of me, I'll feel so stupid and hurt.

I'm so tired and drained, again guys thanks I really mean it. I wonder how the hell I'm going to get through this.... p.s you are all extra wonderful for reading my novel length posts

[Ramrod]

What happened was they were together about seven or eight years when he suddenly began going through a metamorpisis similar to a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, he changed his appearance, grooming habits, lost weight, exercised, became more social outside of their routine couples activities.

 

Inside his psyche he believed he deserved better than her, despite the fact she was an awesome woman, primary bread-winner, she cooked cleaned, the whole nine yards. She was attractive, intelligent, but not so independent, she was overweight, and that kept he self-esteem low.

 

Well he lost weight and began to think he could pull a beeter chick than her, since now he was this improved product, the thing was he still needed her to get his little ego-boost, so he would keep her around just for that purpose.

 

Long story short their back together, his ego is badly bruised, she has ALL the power in the relationship now, she doesn't use it for evil or revenge, she is just able to shake him up occaisionally and keeep his mind right.

 

To get there from where your at you must cut him off completely. I helped my friend by spending lots and lots of time with her to heighten his suspcion that we were f***ing. You should find a male friend to spend some time with and I bet you get him back in your camp quick. See, guys like this can lose the weight, but their confidence with women is still in the crapper, it trakes a long time for it to catch up, if it ever does, don't let him use you, he sounds like a loser, but if you love him and want him back, your going to have to take his arse behind the woodshed and teach him a lesson he'll never forget. Good luck.

[nicki]

Oh, you will get through it, no choice. What's the old saying? "The best way around a difficult situation is straight through it!"

 

We have all been where you are. It's good that you are with your parents. No matter their issues, at least you are not worrying about where to live.

 

And if you don't have any contact with HIM, then you won't have to hear any painful news about what he is doing.

 

Besides, it is way more important to think about what YOU are doing, and how YOU are thinking and feeling. It's a good thing that you are starting to say "Hey, wait a minute. He never brought me flowers. He didn't treat me very well. I should have expected more!"

 

More of that kind of thinking will happen as you get clearer. It helps to focus on the negative. Right now, don't let yourself have any positive feelings about him. It will make you weak. Later on, you will be able to have positive or neutral feelings.

 

But, for now, anytime you think something nice, focus on something you don't like about him (ugly feet?), or how he has hurt you.

 

You will get through it. Keep busy everyday, and save a few minutes to grieve every day too. When I was going through the same thing, I told myself I could wallow in it for 15 minutes a day, and I scheduled it for the same time every day. If I found myself thinking about him, I'd tell myself to save it for my "grieving time."

 

Funny thing, though, after a while I didn't want to waste any more time thinking about him.

 

Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing!