gopher Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 In another thread I had mentioned someone at church I had met. My best female friend kidded me last week that I was hitting on her, and said it seemed like we would be a good fit. Quick background....I help out at church after service at what could be considered an information table. I met a woman about 5 weeks ago, she was looking for information about activities for her son. Since then, she always stops over to say hi and we chat for 10 minutes or so after service. She met my daughter one weekend, and I've gotten to know her son a bit. We seem to click, and certainly enough that my female friend noticed it. Anyway, she stopped by again today to say hello, and we were just chatting about our kids, what we do for a living...she shared and then asked me what I did. So, as the conversation was winding down, I went for it and asked her if she would want to go to lunch. Her reply was "sure, you need to know more about me"...She then gave me her business card. I didn't have mine, so she wrote my info on the back of one of her cards...I don't want to call her at work, so I thought I would email her tomorrow about scheduling a day to get together. This week is really bad for me, with travel and such. I may not be able to go to lunch until a week from Monday... Two questions.... 1. How does it look, if I don't make lunch happen this week?..she knows I travel for work, and that I am traveling this week. 2.I'm not really sure how to take her comment, I don't think she meant it as a flirty one.
Author gopher Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I was stupid I guess....I emailed her a couple days ago about finding a day to meet for lunch, and she hasn't replied. I hope I didn't make her uncomfortable by asking her to lunch. I guess I was wrong about her being interested, just like I was wrong about the tennis desk girl. I don't feel like I am asking women out who are out of my league or are distant, but it seems I am misreading friendliness for romantic interest. I have more work to do on me it appears...
Still Trying Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I was stupid I guess....I emailed her a couple days ago about finding a day to meet for lunch, and she hasn't replied. I hope I didn't make her uncomfortable by asking her to lunch. I guess I was wrong about her being interested, just like I was wrong about the tennis desk girl. I don't feel like I am asking women out who are out of my league or are distant, but it seems I am misreading friendliness for romantic interest. I have more work to do on me it appears... CALL THE WOMAN! Emails are SO impersonal, we were just talking about texting v. calling in the other forum. I believe the majority of women would prefer a phone call. Why, why, why would you send an email while trying to coordinate the first date? Oh, no my friend. Pick up that phone and call her. If she didn't leave her personal #, I'd take that as a sign as well - I wouldn't feel comfortable calling her work # and I sure wouldn't send an email for a first date! If these were the only options she gave - I'd back it off. In the future push for a personal cell phone # - this is how you properly ask a women on a FIRST date! OH! and I remember your tennis girl story too. Here's my thoughts from what you're telling us here: You're going for the wrong women I think. These women are probably feeling some pressure on dating someone that they share a common interest with already. The tennis desk girl works there, you go there a lot - what if things don't work out? Suddenly she's left feeling uncomfortable when she sees you at work, right? Are you going to stop going there? Same with the woman at church - even more so here, it's church. She doesn't want to date someone from the same church because if it fails you'll both be looking for a new congregation. It's a tough one because you're sort of shopping in the right places because you're looking for someone who you can relate to. In the same sense you might be shooting yourself in the foot because you're surrounding your self with women who look at you as safe, and they don't want to change or ruin that image that they have with you. Tennis girl just wants harmless flirting, church girl may only want a friend, OR, she was genuinely turned off by the email thing - I would be, it's too business like for my tastes, remember that even though you're both busy professionals it doesn't take a lot of effort for that call (future thinking). When I look back on my past relationships, the real ones, they have all been acquaintances of mine, not really good friends. Perhaps you've already begun to cross the path of the friend zone with these women and had no idea you were doing it. You're this nice guy from a distance and I think you're waiting too long to strike. My point is that while I was friendly with these girls in the past I did NOT befriend them first. I was friendly, but wasn't really a friend yet - I pounced while I still had a chance for them to see me in a romantic light and it always worked. I remember with my 5 year relationship I had to really chase her down for a bit, I did quite a bit of convincing before she would sleep with me and even then pursue a real relationship with me. You're either getting friendzoned, they're feeling too "close" to you in a setting in which they don't want to feel uncomfortable (church and work!), or you're totally not coming off in a romantic way (stop with the emails!). This may seem like weird advice but do any of your female friends have single women they can refer to you? This way you can sort of have just enough common ground to work with but at the same time you're not so close to them for it to be a turn off if it doesn't work. I think women are always thinking about that bail out option and if it looks sticky to begin with, they're not going to be interested. We're talking about women your age who have possible been through nasty seperations like yourself. A bail out plan is their first thought. I met my current GF through a mutual friend. I had talked with her several times, we even shared a few drinks and this was before I was really interested in her. Point is that I was nice to her, but did NOT become her friend, merely an acquaintance. A few months went by and I randomly found myself at her birthday party and I was actually talking a flirting with her friends more than her. It wasn't until the next day when she came into my work that I gave her my number. I've never done that before, I've always gotten their's but it worked because she called two days later and we hit it off - romantically, because I had made it clear that that was my goal. her fail safes? Well she knew me, and we'd run into each other from time to time (impossible to avoid in our small fair city anyway!) but she wouldn't have to see me on a week to week or even daily basis. Think about this, I believe it's where you're going wrong. Good luck!
Author gopher Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Thanks ST....For being so direct and for some great advice. I really needed to hear that. I think you are right on both counts and going forward I'm going to rethink my interaction with women, so I don't get tossed in the friendzone, or if I do, it's because that's what I am looking for in a given situation. I am safe....a nice guy....and so women typically liked me, but don't lust after me....As you said, time for a different approach.....Thanks for taking the time to respond with such detail. I do have some female friends, that could possible help me, and maybe at least can give me some honest feedback.
Still Trying Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Thanks ST....For being so direct and for some great advice. I really needed to hear that. I think you are right on both counts and going forward I'm going to rethink my interaction with women, so I don't get tossed in the friendzone, or if I do, it's because that's what I am looking for in a given situation. I am safe....a nice guy....and so women typically liked me, but don't lust after me....As you said, time for a different approach.....Thanks for taking the time to respond with such detail. I do have some female friends, that could possible help me, and maybe at least can give me some honest feedback. No Worries. we're all here for a different perspective. hope it works well for you!
Author gopher Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Cliff notes version... S came and found me after church in the lobby as usual, we chatted and I casually asked her if she had gotten my email, she said no, that it may have been classified as spam by her company server. Seems she meant for me to call her at work, offered me her home number and we made plans for Saturday...
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 YEAH!!! You will remember to call mid-week and let her know that you're looking forward to Saturday, yes?
Author gopher Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 YEAH!!! You will remember to call mid-week and let her know that you're looking forward to Saturday, yes? Thanks Ronni, and yes, I am definitely calling her this week...
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