Vetgirl88 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 This all started about 10 months ago. I had a guy who was my best friend. We'd been good friends for about 2 months. We talked on the phone for hours every day and saw each other pretty much everyday. One night while we were out, and I had some liquid courage running through my veins, I kind of hinted at the idea that I may have feelings for him. He immediately made his move. We dated for a few weeks and then he ended it because he said that he didn't know what he wanted. Flashforward to a few months later. We remained good friends, but I still had feelings for him. I decided to start pulling away because being so close with him was preventing me from meeting anyone else. I just started keeping conversations short and turning down opportunities to hang out with just the two of us. But, if it was a group, I would go. After a couple of weeks of me doing this, he and I go out with few friends to have some drinks. With some coaxing from a mutual friend (I didn't put her up to it), he decided to make a move on me again. I got angry that he thought it would be that simple and basically lit into him. I told him that it was real simple. He either had feelings for me or he didn't, but I don't make out/sleep with a bunch of people. So he needed to make a decision. What was it? Did he want to date me or not? We started dated again. After a week, my best friend, the guy I wanted to have a relationship with, just disappeared. He started ignoring me in public. We went from talking every day to barely talking twice a week. I wasn't happy at all. It came to head when I didn't hear anything from him for over a week. (Granted I had called him once or twice throughout the week, but he hadn't called me. And he was the one that usually called.) We talked about it, and he said that he just got the line between us confused. We were so close and he wanted it to be something more, but it only felt like friendship to him whenever we started dating. Today. He's dating someone else. From what I see, he ignores her in public too. When he sees me, he always brings up my love life in a joking way. Usually making fun of the guy he saw me on one date with. Then, my roommate tells me yesterday that he still talks about me all the time. He talks about things that we used to do together. Little inside jokes that we had, things like that. Then, she says that she thinks I had more of an effect on him than any other girl she's seen him with and that she thinks he's an idiot for ruining things with me. I have feelings of love mixed with hate. I had never been able to be myself around someone like I could be with him. I had never enjoyed anyone's company like I did his. I loved who I was when I was around him, and, while he had his faults, I loved him more than I disliked his character flaws. At the time, I thought that everything I had never dare to dream of or ask for was coming true. It's been 3 months and I still find myself crying over this guy. And, it's not like I don't have other options. I'm just not interested in them. Everytime I think that I'm over it, it smacks me in the face again. But I keep my guard up when he's around. I never call him. I never ask him to do anything. I avoid him for the most part, but I miss my friend and I don't understand why a relationship doesn't work between us. I know that when he started pulling away, I responded by pulling away as well. I thought that if I gave him room to freak out, he would get over it. I guess I just want some perspective on why this doesn't work. I would think that when you know someone as well as we know each other, you would know if you had true feeling for them or if it was just lust. To make that mistake once I can understand, but not twice. He doesn't sleep around either, so I can't imagine that he just wanted to hook up with someone. Any insight or words of wisdom to help me move on?
Geraltt Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Let me get this straight: You were friends with this guy but you wanted something more. You pulled away and tried to get him to chase you. Then he finally acted on that "something more." You ripped him a new a55hole. So, in short, you got exactly what you showed him you wanted, though that's not really what you DID want. Do I have this right? If nothing else, please - and I sincerely mean this with the utmost respect - take this as a lesson that every woman needs to know. It obviously needs to be repeated: Men cannot read your mind.
Author Vetgirl88 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Do I have this right? Not exactly. I didn't pull away with the intention of making him chase me. I pulled away to move on because he had mentioned liking another girl. And, that night that I "ripped him a new a55hole," I was very clear that I wanted a relationship with him. I told him that "I liked him a lot, and I wanted to be more than his friend, and if he wasn't interested in dating me then we needed to put some space between us." I don't see how he could have misunderstood that. And, he didn't. It was that night that we decided to date again, for the second time. And, he told a mutual friend of ours that he knew I wanted to be his girlfriend after that night. I never set up a "chase me" game with him. I was always up front about my feelings, and he knew it. I never expected him to read my mind... just not jerk me around.
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I think sometimes it is easier to go from being lovers to being friends, than the other way around. I have a friend,we started out being lovers, to friends with benefits, to just friends and it has worked out great. We are both married to other people, and there is no jealousy at all. I think that this man is having trouble differentiating between you, as lover, and you, as friend. From the way you are sounding, you too are having troubles with the different and complex shifts of emotions. I think you both need to communicate what your feelings are and how far you want to carry this thing along. Be honest, and don't do it in a bar. Alcohol will only cloud the issue. Hope that everything works out well........Jack
Treasa Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I think you did what you had to do. I dunno. This guy doesn't sound that great. Don't worry about him anymore. If he'd really like to be friends or more, he'll let you know. Move on to better things.
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