jasminetea Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'd rather have a little of him, than nothing. So I guess I have my answer. If you had a decent amount of self-esteem there's no way you'd think a little of him was better than nothing. As time goes on and you give him what he's asking from you, that lack of self-belief will get worse and worse. You'll be so firmly entrenched in the knowledge you're not worth loving in a decent, normal relationship (if you're not there already, judging by your last/current relationship) that you'll be too frightened to get out because you'll believe no one else will want you. Get into therapy and find out what it is about married men that attracts you and why you're too scared to try a relationship that has the chance to be a fully committed one.
jj33 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Why does it matter if Kismet is still in her affair? Do you want to end up like her going through periods of barely being able to function because of a man who is not going to leave his W? You seem to like being involved with unavailable men (or you wouldnt keep doing it) and are not really interested in hearing anything other than that you COULD be the exception. Good luck to you.
jwi71 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 He said it would be more painful to leave his children or hurt then, then to lose me. I understand that being a single mom. I told him that you won't lose your kids, it will just be a different. This, to me, says I want to ruin their marriage. You are rebutting his reasons for staying - i.e. for the kids. And the only reason you would want to rebut his reasons to stay was to convince him to leave. Are you sure you want to walk that path? It has even more pitfalls than waiting around for years until HE is convinced to leave his W for you. I do realize that I am setting myself up for pain, but to lose him would pain me more then to have the little pieces that I get.This is an even worse path to walk! Very few OW can truly accept only the stolen bits and pieces from the MM they love. Look what happened to your current "bf" (the SM) - you guys cannot spend much time together and you drifted apart. Easy for you since you don't love him. However, you ARE falling for the new MM - and I doubt you will accept bits and pieces. Hell, you are already trying to convince him to leave his W! You really need to stop - for YOU. I would just take his friendship, though at first it would be difficult, but better than to go NC.I doubt this works. Every contact renews the A. Its kinda like saying you will half-jump - it simply isn't possible. So to say you will just be friends when you have already proven you cannot is simply setting yourself up for failure. More likely is HE keeps you as a booty call. We've talked about our soulmate bond and how it is bittersweet that we didn't met 10 years ago. We have also talked about, that if it is meant to be, and we stopped now and he did wind up leaving his wife, that we would have no problem picking up where we left off....whether 5 weeks from now or 5 years. It doesn't feel like we would lose the bond if we stopped feeding the relationship. Oh boy. You just invalidated everything you said about having your own life. The whole "soulmate" part is the FIRST sign you are losing yourself to HIM and the A. Honestly - hit the brakes on this. He does make me a priority in my life....more so then the man I am supposed to be "dating".How so? By coming in behind his W, his kids, his job? A priority would be exactly that - you come first. But you don't do you? He won't drop everything and run to visit you in the hospital will he? Wake up...the flashing red danger signs are obvious to me anyway. What he gives me in emotionally quality, I have never gotten from other guys I have been with. That is why I take the scrapes because they are more fulfilling the the wholeness I've gotten from other men.I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. If only HE can make you feel like this and HE is married - you are guaranteeing yourself heartache and pain for YOU, HIM and HIS FAMILY. Sad part is, you KNOW this and are perfectly willing to accept the stolen moments. Really. You deserve a man who not only says you come first but proves it by actually putting you first. I see him now starting to question his happiness with his wife. He hasn't outright said no we won't ever be together, but left it vague in that "you never know what will happen". I think he feels if we were meant to be, we will. Better yet - ask him. Ask him what he feels for you. Ask him what you are to him. We've both wanted to end the relationship because we know we are getting so attached. But each time either of us says, okay no more, we both change our minds. Welcome to addiction land. The place where only one person can only satisfy YOUR needs. What sucks is he is married - and not to you. I know you have your own life and you are in control - but are you really? My advice is pretty simple. It will also be ignored: Tell the new MM it was great while it lasted and that he can NEVER see or talk to you again. Unless he produce divorce papers. YOu cannot have a R (elationship) with him. It will always be "lopsided" - and in such a way that YOU lose. Go NC. The ticket back into your life is signed and filed divorce paperwork.
Meaplus3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 He said it would be more painful to leave his children or hurt then, then to lose me. I understand that being a single mom. I told him that you won't lose your kids, it will just be a different.I do realize that I am setting myself up for pain, but to lose him would pain me more then to have the little pieces that I get. No. This is where your wrong here. And the reason is simple. The more you continue this A, the more intense the feelings will become. You will find yoursef wanting to be around him more and he will most likely NOT be able to give that to you. Please trust me on this as I was there once. I was deep into an ea.. and the more my feelings grew the more I wanted to see him. I don't see how this can go anywhere but down hill for you. I'm not trying to be harsh, but rather give you my very honest Opinion here. Really, find yourself a man who is not comitted to someone else. Mea:)
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I did ask him if she would be up for an open relationship. I wasn't being serious. I figured if she didn't want to be with him in any sexual way, maybe if she realized that he still had needs and she didn't want to provide them, though doubtfully, she would be willing You do know I was being sarcastic right? I said for you to go to her, not him suggest it. Since you have no respect for her, why not just face her and tell her you want to screw her husband if she doesn't mind. Find out first hand if he is telling the truth. Or are you afraid of the truth?
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I do not want to ruin their marriage. He explained the reason why he would not want to leave the M was because of his children. I only wanted him to see that my life wasn't over after my divorce, I didn't lose my child, and my son is completely happy. I've suggested that he talk to his W, try to work out their issues because he said other than their intimacy issues that they do have a good relationship. I've pushed him more in the direction of healing their marriage then stepping out of it. I feel if he doesn't at least attempt to repair it, he will always wonder. I would ask him what he feels for me, but I already know the answer. I have only had two concurrent relationships where I have been involved with married men. I am not afraid of a committed relationship, I was in one prior to the separated married man that was leading to marriage. That man might as well have been married since his athletic training and work took precedence over me. I wasn't a priority, so I left...but ironically I find myself in the same position again. I know you were being sarcastic bnb, so was I. Yes, you are all right. I am deluding myself by thinking that he will leave his wife and coming running to me. Yes, I am naive in thinking that the little pieces that I will have of him will ever be enough. Yes I do seem to attract emotionally unavailable men. Yes, I should end the relationship immediately and have NC. Will I? I'm seriously considering it. Nobody that I have talked to has encouraged the relationship, friends, co-workers, family, or forum strangers. You all might be on to something...
theloveboat Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Think about his children and what you're doing to THEIR family. Get out now and stop being selfish.
Meaplus3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I do not want to ruin their marriage. If you don't want to ruin his marriage then you should not be involved with him. I am deluding myself by thinking that he will leave his wife and coming running to me Yes.. you are deluding yourself in a very big way..sorry to say it but it's the truth. Mea:)
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I've suggested that he talk to his W, try to work out their issues because he said other than their intimacy issues that they do have a good relationship. If he gets everything but sex from his wife, then what's the one reason he turned to you ??? The best advice you've gotten here is to stop having sex with him and see what happens to the relationship. That will quickly tell you all you need to know... Mr. Lucky
Shygirl15 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I think he is my soulmate, He belongs to another woman, sweetheart.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Just because he belongs to another doesn't mean he can't be my soulmate.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 If he gets everything but sex from his wife, then what's the one reason he turned to you ??? The best advice you've gotten here is to stop having sex with him and see what happens to the relationship. That will quickly tell you all you need to know... Mr. Lucky You can say it is just sex, but I know it is more. If we stopped having sex I think our relationship would continue in a platonic way.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 As of now, he is his wife's soulmate.Perhaps, but if she felt that he was her soulmate, wouldn't she desire him more intimately?
Meaplus3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Just because he belongs to another doesn't mean he can't be my soulmate. If he was your soulmate then he would divorce his W and be with you. Mea:)
jasminetea Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So a man who cheats on his wife, lies to her and his children and who leads other women (I bet there's been more than you) on, is your soulmate? Geez, you must be some kind of mess if that is the best you can do.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I do not think I am a mess, just the situation. Why can't someone be your soulmate even though you can't be together? You don't think people find each other in life and for whatever reason be it marriage, distance, life it just can't happen. Do I wish I had never met him, everyday. Because life would be so much easier knowing he wasn't out there. He told me he has never cheated on his wife before, take it as you will.
Meaplus3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I do not think I am a mess, just the situation. Your not a mess but you in the "affair fog". Your in lust my dear, and lust is a very powerful feeling. I did the same thing while I was in an ea with a mm. I even thought he was my soulmate. I was WRONG.. real WRONG. Why can't someone be your soulmate even though you can't be together? You don't think people find each other in life and for whatever reason be it marriage, distance, life it just can't happen. Honestly not when they are Married to someone else. Does this make sense to you? Mea:)
SoleMate Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hi! I am now an OW. Great! Congratulations. I am so happy for you. There's not a problem, is there? You're right where you've been wanting to be...
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 . Your not a mess but you in the "affair fog". Your in lust my dear, and lust is a very powerful feeling. I did the same thing while I was in an ea with a mm. I even thought he was my soulmate. I was WRONG.. real WRONG. Honestly not when they are Married to someone else. Does this make sense to you? Mea:) You are probably right, the beginning of any type of relationship sparks very strong feelings of lust. I've never felt like I had a soulmate perhaps I should just go back to believing it is just a fairy tale. Obviously the majority has spoken on how they feel about As and OW I hear you, I heed your advice. 1. I know it is wrong. 2. I know I should walk away. 3. I know I am being selfish because I am thinking of nobody but myself. 4. I am not in a place I have ever wanted to be. Why is life so cruel sometimes
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 You are probably right, the beginning of any type of relationship sparks very strong feelings of lust. I've never felt like I had a soulmate perhaps I should just go back to believing it is just a fairy tale. Just because you feel a connection to him or possibly feel love for him doesn't mean he is yours to take or yours to have. He IS married and already taken.. The whole soulmate thing - People connect and have things in common all the time but it doesn't mean something HAS to happen. If he were your true soulmate, he wouldn't be married... The fairytale/fantasy of him leaving his wife and children for you is not going to happen. I hear you, I heed your advice. 1. I know it is wrong. 2. I know I should walk away. 3. I know I am being selfish because I am thinking of nobody but myself. 4. I am not in a place I have ever wanted to be. 1. Since you know it's wrong, then do something different so it won't be wrong. 2. Walk away. You don't have that much invested in him..Those feelings will go away. 3. It's good you're aware of this. 4. It's your life and if you're unhappy, ashamed or feel your life is a mess because of the choices you've made so far, change that by ending it and healing yourself. If you choose to stay and have the affair then deal with the rollercoaster ride and all the pain, heartache and confusion. Why is life so cruel sometimes Look at it as a test of your strength. To care for him enough and walk away, knowing he is married and has a life built with someone else. He IS happy, he just got selfish and decided one woman wasn't enough to meet his needs.
jwi71 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I do not want to ruin their marriage. Then stop having an A with him. Unless you are prepared to say that an A is beneficial to their M - then you are hurting it. I promise you - you're devastating their M. I've pushed him more in the direction of healing their marriage then stepping out of it. How can you possibly say this with a straight face? You are pushing him to repair his M - then you have an A with him. Do you see the problem here? Yes, you are all right. I am deluding myself by thinking that he will leave his wife and coming running to me. Yes, I am naive in thinking that the little pieces that I will have of him will ever be enough. Lip service or do you mean it? I do feel bad for you OP. I know it FEELS like soul mates. Just like everyone else, if you were soul mates - he would gladly file D for you. Just like you said - divorce does NOT necessarily destroy children. They can and do survive and have the same statistical chance of success as those from a nuclear family. The real issue is - you are a SECRET. See how no one is giving you ANY grief about the SM who filed for divorce? That R is in the open - he knows, his W knows - its public. But not this guy. You're his dirty little secret. Is that all you aspire to be - his dirty little secret?
Meaplus3 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I hear you, I heed your advice. 1. I know it is wrong. 2. I know I should walk away. 3. I know I am being selfish because I am thinking of nobody but myself. 4. I am not in a place I have ever wanted to be. Yes it's very wrong but, the good news is you have the power to walk away now and make things right. Why is life so cruel sometimes [/quote In this situation it's because your allowing it to be by becoming involved with a man who has a Wife. Now think about real cruel when you could very easily destroy this mm's entire life. And for what? A little fun on the side? Think long and hard about this if you will. Mea:)
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You can say it is just sex, but I know it is more. If we stopped having sex I think our relationship would continue in a platonic way. I'm willing to take that wager. Have a platonic relationship with him for the next 90 days and let us know how it goes. I'll bet that he tells you he's decided to work things out with his wife... Mr. Lucky
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