justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have been casually dating a MM who has been separated from his wife for a year and is now in the process of filing for divorce. This isn't where I fall in as an OW, his W knows about me. I met somebody else... I think I must have "If your married, i'm your girl" tattooed on my forehead. After my BF and I had issue in our relationship regarding commitment and time, I told myself I would never date anyone unless they were single again. I guess you can't always dictate who you fall for. I never intended to fall for another MM, especially one with a W and kids at home. We were friends back in Jr. High and High School. He had a crush on me way back then, but my friend liked him so I ended our one-week phone relationship. Flash forward 18 years....We were reunited after seeing each other on FB because we both were going to attend at informal H School reunion. Conversationally, we hit it off great. We laugh at each other's jokes, we have the same ideas about people, life and we finish each other's sentences. When we finally saw each other at the reunion, I felt a spark and later he told me also that he did. We continue talking, the feelings are growing immensely. I've never met anyone like him that I connect with on so many levels. It scares me how alike we are. He tells me he didn't realize how unhappy he was in his marriage, until I came along and made him happy again. He says they do have a good working relationship and manage their household and children well together. However, they haven't had sex in over 2 years, nor do they have any intimacy to speak of. She is thoughtful and does little things for him, but he says they both aren't in love anymore. At least not on his end, not like he would like to be "in love". He is supposed to bring up this issue with her because he doesn't know how much longer he can't continue the relationship. He told me he loves me, and I love him also. I've asked him if he would ever leave his marriage. He said he would if it wasn't for the kids. He doesn't want to disrupt their lives and thinks they have a better life if they stay together. I think he is starting to question his own happiness though. If he were to leave, then I would want it to be because he was not happy, not because he wanted us to be together. I think he is my soulmate, I am not a big believer in there being one person out there for you. But if ever there were a perfect person for me, then it would be him. It is all so bittersweet. We connect emotionally, mentally, and as of last night physically too. How do you do it? How do live the day to day when you can't be together, when you want to be together so much? Do you just take what little moments you can be together and cherish those or do you move on because it is so hard to be apart? I don't know what to do.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 How do live the day to day when you can't be together, when you want to be together so much? Do you just take what little moments you can be together and cherish those or do you move on because it is so hard to be apart? I don't know what to do. Plenty of people do it. Some are happy about it because so much of their lives has nothing to do with MM. Others are not happy because they make MM their life, when MM is only able to give a fraction. I guess it depends on what works for you. Can you handle and accept the fact that you will never be more than what you are? If you can't then you may as well get out now.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have been casually dating a MM who has been separated from his wife for a year and is now in the process of filing for divorce. This isn't where I fall in as an OW, his W knows about me. I met somebody else... I think I must have "If your married, i'm your girl" tattooed on my forehead. After my BF and I had issue in our relationship regarding commitment and time, I told myself I would never date anyone unless they were single again. I guess you can't always dictate who you fall for. I never intended to fall for another MM, especially one with a W and kids at home. We were friends back in Jr. High and High School. He had a crush on me way back then, but my friend liked him so I ended our one-week phone relationship. Flash forward 18 years....We were reunited after seeing each other on FB because we both were going to attend at informal H School reunion. Conversationally, we hit it off great. We laugh at each other's jokes, we have the same ideas about people, life and we finish each other's sentences. When we finally saw each other at the reunion, I felt a spark and later he told me also that he did. We continue talking, the feelings are growing immensely. I've never met anyone like him that I connect with on so many levels. It scares me how alike we are. He tells me he didn't realize how unhappy he was in his marriage, until I came along and made him happy again. He says they do have a good working relationship and manage their household and children well together. However, they haven't had sex in over 2 years, nor do they have any intimacy to speak of. She is thoughtful and does little things for him, but he says they both aren't in love anymore. At least not on his end, not like he would like to be "in love". He is supposed to bring up this issue with her because he doesn't know how much longer he can't continue the relationship. He told me he loves me, and I love him also. I've asked him if he would ever leave his marriage. He said he would if it wasn't for the kids. He doesn't want to disrupt their lives and thinks they have a better life if they stay together. I think he is starting to question his own happiness though. If he were to leave, then I would want it to be because he was not happy, not because he wanted us to be together. I think he is my soulmate, I am not a big believer in there being one person out there for you. But if ever there were a perfect person for me, then it would be him. It is all so bittersweet. We connect emotionally, mentally, and as of last night physically too. How do you do it? How do live the day to day when you can't be together, when you want to be together so much? Do you just take what little moments you can be together and cherish those or do you move on because it is so hard to be apart? I don't know what to do. The classic lines of a cheating, lying, spineless poor excuse for a man. I have come across very few post on here that don't contain almost word for word the same drivel, about not having sex, if it weren't for the kids, so unhappy and now they are whole blah, blah,blah. Can they at least come up with a new script?
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Plenty of people do it. Some are happy about it because so much of their lives has nothing to do with MM. Others are not happy because they make MM their life, when MM is only able to give a fraction. I guess it depends on what works for you. Can you handle and accept the fact that you will never be more than what you are? If you can't then you may as well get out now. I'd rather have a little of him, than nothing. So I guess I have my answer. The classic lines of a cheating, lying, spineless poor excuse for a man. I have come across very few post on here that don't contain almost word for word the same drivel, about not having sex, if it weren't for the kids, so unhappy and now they are whole blah, blah,blah. Can they at least come up with a new script? I know my story is no different than others. It only feels different because it is me and I have never been in this position before.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Maybe you can have more of him, if you go ask his wife if you can share? He did say she was considerate and did little things for him.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Wow, this is the mess you didn't want to be in: I don't want all the crap being with a seperated/married man brings...but here I am and I do want him and I am with him. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it and keep my sanity too. Maybe i'm just being too impatient in wanting them to be over now. Now you are involved with a man who says he isn't going to leave. It seems you enjoy the drama just a bit.
Meaplus3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 You know if he has already informed you that he has no intentions of leaving, then what do you expect to gain from this? You say that you'd rather have a little of him then nothing. Do you really think that's the way it will stay as the A get's further along? I think your setting yourself up for lot's of pain here. Mea:)
TOWinNYC Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 JAG75 - how long has this being going on? Reuniting with this guy on FB, meeting at a reunion, etc? I ask because you said "as of last night" it became physical. If you can't handle it AT THIS POINT, chances are it'll only get worse for you. Lucrezia is right - there are plenty of women (happily) engaged in A's. And they may love their MM with all their heart - but that doesn't mean they make them their LIFE. They have their own life and include the MM as the icing on the cake. I believe in soulmates and connections and "clicking" with someone. When you find that kind of magic you don't want to let it go. And sometimes due to situations or complications going on in what we call Life, two people who are really meant to be with each other can't be. But I'm concerned that this sounds like a) a recent thing (not something 10 years running) and b) you're already slightly distressed about it and c) you're willing to "have a little of him than nothing". I think it's the last thing that raises the flag for me. It's a slippery slope when you start "settling" for what you can get. Whether it's true or not (from other people's perspective - friends, enemies, betrayed spouses on the internet) HE has to make you feel like you're SPECIAL and IMPORTANT and a PRIORITY (or at least one of the priorities in his life) and YOU have to feel HAPPY about him and with him. So, putting bittersweet feelings aside....are you?
Spark1111 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 quote=bentnotbroken;2036907]The classic lines of a cheating, lying, spineless poor excuse for a man. I have come across very few post on here that don't contain almost word for word the same drivel, about not having sex, if it weren't for the kids, so unhappy and now they are whole blah, blah,blah. Can they at least come up with a new script? :laugh:BNB....You always make me laugh! The script is sooooo boring. It IS TIME for a rewrite!
jj33 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Reread your post. Get out. no good comes of being the OW unless you are happy with the vast limitations. You are not and its only just begun. You know you are signing up for heartache. You are looking for people to tell you that it will be OK that he will leave for you... That is not how it works. He already KNOWS you make him happy (if he is to be believedl) get out now. if he means what he says and is really that miserable in his marriage he will leave. He will leave for him. Not for you. Dont create this ugly drama in your life, unless of course that is what you need right now. I really dont get this. You know this isnt good for you. You swore you would never do it again. So what is going on that you are looking to make yourself unhappy? Its one thing if you had never been in a similar position before and didnt want to believe it because you were naive as most of us were. But you are not.If you go down this road, a year from now you will be posting saying you are so miserable but you love him so much, do we think he will ever leave blah blah blah... Its only the beginning no excuse not to leave unless you are feeling so demoralised or are so searching for drama that you want to put yourself through this.
KismetGirl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Unless you are happy sneaking around, never being able to spend holidays or birthdays together, never having weekends together, never enjoying each other's company on a spur of the moment or for more than brief meetings, then run like the wind. Before you become entrenched in the situation and it becomes almost impossible to.... just leave. He doesn't sound like he's going to be going anywhere, and IME you're setting yourself up for a world of dissapointment....even when the guy really cares about the OW, it's very rare they they leave their marriages. Tell him to ring you when he's started divorce proceedings. I believe in that feeling of someone being a soulmate as much as you do. And its gutwrenching to think you are missing out on them....but its not all you. You can't do anything if he doesn't make the move to change his life.
D-Lish Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'd rather have a little of him, than nothing. So I guess I have my answer. Well then, I feel really sorry for you. That's really sad. You think that little of yourself that you'd take those scraps like that.
signedin2008 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'd rather have a little of him, than nothing. So I guess I have my answer. I know my story is no different than others. It only feels different because it is me and I have never been in this position before. Just spend some time here reading around. Your feeling and your story are NOT special at all. He is cheating and USING you. Once his wife found out, he will drop you like a hot potato and begging her for forgiviness by saying how slutty you are and how you seduced him. After all, now you're just a piece of axx to him. He will come back for more (along with the chase, the foreplay, fun, and secretcy). You can count on that, MISTRESS!
KismetGirl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 PS- plese ignore the poster prior to this one. SignedIn2008 has a propensity to offer no real support or advice and basically just insult people, particualrly OW's. But just for your own emotional sanity, you will NOT be happy with having whenever you can, trust me. As hard as it is, from one OW to another, it just isn't worth the pain and anguish you will go through. I've been in my affair for FOUR years and some days it feels like I'll never be able to leave. It's affected my say to day happiness, my studies, and its just not worth it. Easier said than done, I know, but just trying to head off the damage before it gets too deep. Youve just started a physical affair, it gets harder here on out. If you want, ask him if he really intends to leave, but whatever he says, you really need to tell him that if he cares about you at all, he won't string you along emotionally and will not pursue this affair anymore until he's ready to leave his marriage. It isn't fair to you or anyone else.... You probably won't listen to this advice, god knows I didn't when people told me it was a terrible idea, but at least I tried! Good luck
Lucky_One Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So what is the deal with your first MM? Are you still together?
signedin2008 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 My point is that your response didn't have anything constructive to say - that's all. If you can't be helpful, no need to be hurtful, ya know? Is that an advice coming from an immoral cheater or someone who slept with someone else's spouse?
SierraRose Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 The classic lines of a cheating, lying, spineless poor excuse for a man. I have come across very few post on here that don't contain almost word for word the same drivel, about not having sex, if it weren't for the kids, so unhappy and now they are whole blah, blah,blah. Can they at least come up with a new script? I agree 110%. I too recently met up with an old friend on FB. He said he was single and available. We began IMs and to phone, we really clicked! I got emotionally involved and was eager to get together with him. Well, I guess his guilt got the best of him and fessed up he is living with a woman. They have been together for 6 years. Same excuses...no sex, only cohabitating, should of ended it years ago. He wanted for me to be patient he just can't leave now... Despite, MY emotions I bolted, and fast. I was once an OW, and now I refuse to have any kind of relationship with a committed man. I deserve a real R with a loving man, not a R based on lies and deception.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Maybe you can have more of him, if you go ask his wife if you can share? He did say she was considerate and did little things for him. I did ask him if she would be up for an open relationship. I wasn't being serious. I figured if she didn't want to be with him in any sexual way, maybe if she realized that he still had needs and she didn't want to provide them, though doubtfully, she would be willing You know if he has already informed you that he has no intentions of leaving, then what do you expect to gain from this? You say that you'd rather have a little of him then nothing. Do you really think that's the way it will stay as the A get's further along? I think your setting yourself up for lot's of pain here. Mea:) He said it would be more painful to leave his children or hurt then, then to lose me. I understand that being a single mom. I told him that you won't lose your kids, it will just be a different. I do realize that I am setting myself up for pain, but to lose him would pain me more then to have the little pieces that I get. JAG75 - how long has this being going on? Reuniting with this guy on FB, meeting at a reunion, etc? I ask because you said "as of last night" it became physical. If you can't handle it AT THIS POINT, chances are it'll only get worse for you. Lucrezia is right - there are plenty of women (happily) engaged in A's. And they may love their MM with all their heart - but that doesn't mean they make them their LIFE. They have their own life and include the MM as the icing on the cake. I believe in soulmates and connections and "clicking" with someone. When you find that kind of magic you don't want to let it go. And sometimes due to situations or complications going on in what we call Life, two people who are really meant to be with each other can't be. But I'm concerned that this sounds like a) a recent thing (not something 10 years running) and b) you're already slightly distressed about it and c) you're willing to "have a little of him than nothing". I think it's the last thing that raises the flag for me. It's a slippery slope when you start "settling" for what you can get. Whether it's true or not (from other people's perspective - friends, enemies, betrayed spouses on the internet) HE has to make you feel like you're SPECIAL and IMPORTANT and a PRIORITY (or at least one of the priorities in his life) and YOU have to feel HAPPY about him and with him. So, putting bittersweet feelings aside....are you? We have been talking since the middle of December. We didn't get physically involved until the past couple of weeks. The first two times were just kissing and talking. The last time involved sex. I do have my own life, I have friends I go out with, I have a son who takes up most of my time. I am not trying to make him my world, I tried that when i was married and it just made me miserable. I just want him to be a part of it. I would just take his friendship, though at first it would be difficult, but better than to go NC. We've talked about our soulmate bond and how it is bittersweet that we didn't met 10 years ago. We have also talked about, that if it is meant to be, and we stopped now and he did wind up leaving his wife, that we would have no problem picking up where we left off....whether 5 weeks from now or 5 years. It doesn't feel like we would lose the bond if we stopped feeding the relationship. He does make me a priority in my life....more so then the man I am supposed to be "dating". He makes time to see me whenever he can. We stay connected thoroughout the day whether thru FB chats, texts, or phone calls. He does make me happy and I am so happy when I am with him or even just talking to him through FB. More importantly, I am happy in myself also. I am trying to accept the relationship for what it is, though I do question it, I am trying not to over analyze it and just let things happen. Well then, I feel really sorry for you. That's really sad. You think that little of yourself that you'd take those scraps like that. It's not that I feel so little of myself. I have a few single guys that have expressed interest in dating me, but I do not feel a connection with them, or have I ever with anyone on this level before. What he gives me in emotionally quality, I have never gotten from other guys I have been with. That is why I take the scrapes because they are more fulfilling the the wholeness I've gotten from other men. So what is the deal with your first MM? Are you still together? Kind of. Basically he does not have time in his life for me. He bounces between not knowing if he is ready to be with anyone or if he is ready to call me his girlfriend. However, a week later he is introducing to me people as his girlfriend??? Between his job and his daughter there is limited opportunities for us to be together. We maybe see each other once or twice a week. Yes, I know if he really wanted to see me, he would make time. He says I'm perfect for him, but his actions don't reflect his words. Why I continue this relationship is beyond me, I guess I'm holding onto the magic we had in the beginning...hoping that will come back. But after finding the new MM, I see how insignificant I am in his life. I basically keep him around as a f-buddy. Just to note, I wasn't the reason that they broke up, his wife left him. He was 7 months separated when we got together. justanothergirl75, if you believe his statement, what do YOU see happening? Mr. Lucky I see him now starting to question his happiness with his wife. He hasn't outright said no we won't ever be together, but left it vague in that "you never know what will happen". I think he feels if we were meant to be, we will. I respect that he stays for the kids, but I think his unhappiness will eventually wear him down and the kids will notice. Is it enough to maintain a marriage just for the kids? I know that with my ex that would have been impossible facade to maintain. We've both wanted to end the relationship because we know we are getting so attached. But each time either of us says, okay no more, we both change our minds. BTW what is a BS?
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 KismetGirl are you still an OW?
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Another foolish , weak woman bites the dust. It's so sad. Some women are truly, truly stupid. I will try to put this as plainly as possible. EVERYTHING A MM SAYS TO AN OTHER WOMAN IS SOME KIND OF LIE!! It's either a lie of omission or comission.
Author justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Another foolish , weak woman bites the dust. It's so sad. Some women are truly, truly stupid. I will try to put this as plainly as possible. EVERYTHING A MM SAYS TO AN OTHER WOMAN IS SOME KIND OF LIE!! It's either a lie of omission or comission. You don't know me, I am not weak. Yes I have heart, yes I fell in love with a married man but that does not make me stupid, careless maybe. Why do you say that EVERYTHING a MM says is some kind of lie. He has told me where his wife stand in the relationship, where I stand, how much his kids mean in the whole picture. I don't believe he has kept anything from me, we talk about everything. What he is doing to his wife...is a whole other picture.
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So sorry j75 but yes you are stupid. I said lies of commission and omission. He will tell you everything ( and mean nothing) as long as you are there to provide him sex. Don't believe me? Next time, say you're sick and can't have sex for a little while. See how long he stays. Tell him you will go with him to confront his wife as "moral" support, see how long he stays. Tell him you're pregnant, see how long he stays. Tell him you've talked about him to coworkers, see how long he stays. As long as you **** and keep your mouth shut, he will continue. If you stop the sex, go public or threaten the status quo. he will be gone for another "OW". I have done this many times. I have had 2 or 3 women believing that I loved them. I was an *******. PLease wise up, please.
TOWinNYC Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So sorry j75 but yes you are stupid. I said lies of commission and omission. He will tell you everything ( and mean nothing) as long as you are there to provide him sex. Don't believe me? Next time, say you're sick and can't have sex for a little while. See how long he stays. Tell him you will go with him to confront his wife as "moral" support, see how long he stays. Tell him you're pregnant, see how long he stays. Tell him you've talked about him to coworkers, see how long he stays. As long as you **** and keep your mouth shut, he will continue. If you stop the sex, go public or threaten the status quo. he will be gone for another "OW". I have done this many times. I have had 2 or 3 women believing that I loved them. I was an *******. PLease wise up, please. Jack, this is your perspective because (maybe) this is what you used to do. Not ALL (as in every single one that ever existed) MM are like you. But it's good you posted this so JAG75 can see that there are men out there who pull stunts like that. On the other hand, it's been well proven that a lot of MM do lie - whether it's a flat-out lie or a lie by omission. And that's something important to keep in the back of your mind. BS means Betrayed Spouse.
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Saying things like that isn't the best way to show this lady the horrible mistake she is making. As you said Not every single mm is lying all the time. Say 99.9% are liars. Women like j75 truly believe that they have got the .1% who is a true man. Most women want to believe that their affair is the one that will be different and have a happy ending. When none end happy for either the bs or the ow. It's that sorry, yellow, cur, who makes out the best. please, don't give this woman hope, please don't be an "enabler" .
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 J75, I am not a cruel man, honestly, I'm not. I truly feel for all women in your situation. I try to show you what the mm in the affair truly is like, from past experience. You're not stupid,(apologies) misguided yes. please end this farce NOW, the longer it lasts, the worse it will hurt when it ends, and it will end. Kismetgirl knows how bad it gets, spare yourself the pain.
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