jondoe2227 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I posted a previous thread having discovered suggestive texts on my wifes phone, and what to do in terms of future options (thanks for the advice again guys). Lot of water under the bridge since then - I learned that there had been a physical encounter in a local hotel, lots of tears and emotions and confessions, but we decided to give it another go (only last week). I know that the texts continued, but it came to a head last night when I caught her on the phone to the guy. We laid it all out again and I have asked her to let me know how she really feels. Tonight she told me that she loves me, but she does not fancy me in that way anymore, advising that she has felt this way for some time. Admittedly, our sex life was a little dry and occasional, but she advises that she sees me more of a best friend than a lover and partner. I still have mad feelings for her, but this is not reciprocated from her. Whilst in terms of our 8yr marriage and 2 kids, I would be prepared to forsake the sex, she feels it is something that she cannot do. Without the feelings for me, this seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. She does not feel that there is any way back - the feelings are gone and that's that:(. I have asked her to try making love again to see if we can make things different but she is resistant to this. I want to exhaust every possible option before writing this off - If the feelings changed before, they can change back. I have suggested counselling, or seeking other help. She is currently 3 months into a course of Citalopram anti-depressants, though claims that her loveless feelings peceded this and perhaps drove her towards the medication. I am absolutely heartbroken, more so in that she appears to have decided that it is all over, with no attempts at saving the marriage and relationship. Please can anyone relate this to any similar experiences or advise of the best way forward. Many thanks.
edgeof27 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 jd2227, save yourself further suffering, start now to move ahead, tell her it's over, file for divorce, you will meet someone else, g...
lonelygurl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I posted a previous thread having discovered suggestive texts on my wifes phone, and what to do in terms of future options (thanks for the advice again guys). Lot of water under the bridge since then - I learned that there had been a physical encounter in a local hotel, lots of tears and emotions and confessions, but we decided to give it another go (only last week). I know that the texts continued, but it came to a head last night when I caught her on the phone to the guy. We laid it all out again and I have asked her to let me know how she really feels. Tonight she told me that she loves me, but she does not fancy me in that way anymore, advising that she has felt this way for some time. Admittedly, our sex life was a little dry and occasional, but she advises that she sees me more of a best friend than a lover and partner. I still have mad feelings for her, but this is not reciprocated from her. Whilst in terms of our 8yr marriage and 2 kids, I would be prepared to forsake the sex, she feels it is something that she cannot do. Without the feelings for me, this seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. She does not feel that there is any way back - the feelings are gone and that's that:(. I have asked her to try making love again to see if we can make things different but she is resistant to this. I want to exhaust every possible option before writing this off - If the feelings changed before, they can change back. I have suggested counselling, or seeking other help. She is currently 3 months into a course of Citalopram anti-depressants, though claims that her loveless feelings peceded this and perhaps drove her towards the medication. I am absolutely heartbroken, more so in that she appears to have decided that it is all over, with no attempts at saving the marriage and relationship. Please can anyone relate this to any similar experiences or advise of the best way forward. Many thanks. I feel really sad for you. I think it is really sad that your wife went outside of the marriage like she did, but I have to say for you there is probably no chance of her changing her mind. I have been in your wife's shoes, although I did not have an affair and my story is slightly different in that I tried to get my Xhusband to do counseling numerous times over the course of years and attempted three times in a year before I finally left. Once I had made up my mind that I was no longer in love with him, or sexually attracted to him, and I did have another man interested in me, but there was no texts, emails or anything, I realized that I could be attractive to other men, where my husband had lost interested and to top it off he was not interested in getting help for our marriage. I also have a kinky sex drive and he did not and over the years I got bored and my efforts bringing the "thrill" to the sex life got tiresome. When I finally told him I was leaving him he cried and begged for 2 months for me to change my mind and said he would do counseling, but by then there was no looking back. I would say that your wife has reached this point and there is probably nothing you can do to get her to stay. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know how painfully it can be. I've been on both sides of it (dumper and dumpee). It is very hard to lose someone we love deeply and want to spend our life with and especially when we are so willing to work things out and they are not.
Alan430 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am also going though similar situation. I can only recommend as the previous two posters have done. You must move ahead. Take care of your self, pamper youself. Look at what you did/didnt do in the relationship that triggered this so you can learn from the mistake. But you must realize that it isnt just you! My spouse could only point a finger at me and tell me that it was my fault she fell out of love. But i soon realized that it was her that started the catalyst which made me react the way i did. So explore why you werent compelled for sex with your wife. If you dig deep enough you will realize there was something there that subconciously triggered your lack of wanting it. You will not truly start to move ahead until you accept the fact it is over. I am still going through a series of ups and downs in regards to this, and whenever a thought pops up in my head about making it work i quickly tell myself its over and I do not want her back for (Count out the reasons). This has helped me gained the feeling of control over the situation Try it, it has helped me alot. If you can avoid contact do that.. Everytime you see her or talk to her it will put you back at stage 1. For me it would make the pain stop which is almost addicting. Do not give into the attemption to snoop around for hurtful clues to her cheating, you already know its there. Make sure you have someone you can talk openly to, about this. That is and will be there to listen when you need it. And lastly do not think and hope that she will regret her descion. This is a hard one for me, but everytime i start thinking about it can feel myself slipping a little. Forgive her and move on. It will be ruff thats for sure. But try to look at the marriage truthfully. Seems like the leaver just see the bad side and the leavee sees only the good things. There is light at the end of tunnel, and it does start to get easier.
Lying eyes Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I'm going through the same thing man, only my wife wouldn't fess up to the affair. She blames me for everything. She said after 15 years should thought she could change me, and now it's over. Try to file for a legal separation if you're not sure, then you can both have time and space to reevaluate and find out what you really want. Then you can always get a divorce after a few months. See a family counselor for the kids. Try to realize that you both will be committed to raising them regardless of where you end up. Above all, if you can be happy together work it out.
giotto Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 yes, it sucks... wife left me a few weeks ago... she says she cares about me but she is not in love with me anymore and she doesn't want to have sex with me... we've been together 24 years and we have 4 kids... but guess what? I've met this very nice woman online and I chat to her everyday and I feel wanted and appreciated again... its' a very nice feeling... I'm forgetting about my wife very quickly! So, get out and get a new life...
PWSX3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 yes, it sucks... wife left me a few weeks ago... she says she cares about me but she is not in love with me anymore and she doesn't want to have sex with me... we've been together 24 years and we have 4 kids... but guess what? I've met this very nice woman online and I chat to her everyday and I feel wanted and appreciated again... its' a very nice feeling... I'm forgetting about my wife very quickly! So, get out and get a new life... Sorry to highjack this post, but giotto be careful getting back into another relationship to quick. Sure it feels good, sure she is giving you what you want, but you still need to grieve & work on the separation with your stbxw if that is how it ends up. If you don't do the grieving then it will follow you into your next relationship..... One thing I wanted to share since it sounds like there are a few in the same boat. When your spouse tells us; they are not in love with you, they need space, blah, blah, blah it just means they have been thinking of this for months. They have been having these feelings for a long time & are just now sharing them with you so you are many months behind them. They have already thought everything out, thought of what they want to do and started to disconnect long before they tell you & now you have to get caught up. I feel if anyone doesn't want to work on the marriage then there is nothing you can do but move on. In my situation we separated for 7 months, got back together just to separate again & now in the process of a divorce. It takes two to make a marriage work & as long as they have a "friend" on the side it won't work, if they don't want to do counseling it won't work so move on.....save yourself a lot of heartache....
giotto Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Sorry to highjack this post, but giotto be careful getting back into another relationship to quick. Sure it feels good, sure she is giving you what you want, but you still need to grieve & work on the separation with your stbxw if that is how it ends up. If you don't do the grieving then it will follow you into your next relationship..... sure, I'm aware of this and she knows as well... we are not even planning to meet in the near future. She is divorced (she was cheated on) and she's been through the same griving process... I was just trying to say that life goes on and - although very difficult - there is no point in spending too much time beating yourself up. I think it will take ages until I'll be able to trust another woman again and feel confident about myself... feeling appreciated is doing wonders to my self-esteem, but that doesn't mean I'm going to jump into another relationship straightaway...
PWSX3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 It is funny how a divorce or separation can knock you to your knees in a heartbeat that's for sure.... It does take your self-esteem away & it takes a while to build it back up. I also agree it will take a long time for me to trust another woman. I am doing the paperwork now for the divorce & I don't ever want to have to go thru this......Our court system sure is screwed up, you only sign one paper to get married but it takes hundreds to get a divorce, wouldn't you think it would be the other way around??????
Author jondoe2227 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys - all seems to suggest the same likely outcome of this situation. I really long for things to work out and realisation set in with her as to what she is letting go for a fanciful fling - I suppose in this case, I can only give it 100% from my side with the rest left to her. The hardest thing for me will be parting company and walking away - it really guts me as I never saw this coming. I had previously let work overtake my family life, which was a factor and I now regret immeasurably - if I could wind back the clock it would be different. Lesson learned. Fingers crossed and thanks for the advice.
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