LoveLace Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't think I want a guy who revolves his life around me.... In certain aspects of course I'd want to be 1st priority, but I want a man with other ambitious things going on in his life, the things that can allow us to still be individuals. I once had a boyfriend that pretty much built his life up from me as the base...no thanks...I felt way too depended upon. Some people might not mind if your BF is up your a** 24/7, but I don't do well with that...in return I don't expect a guy to base all his life decisions on me...obviously some decisions will have to involve you both no matter what, but I don't want a guy so "into me" that he doesn't have a mind of his own. Then again I can usually pin point guys like that from the beginning in the 1st place...it only takes a conversation or 2 to smell major potential for too much emotional dependence...or at least what i consider emotional dependence.
mclovin Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I've read the book but haven't seen the movie. In regards to the book, I can agree with a majority of it. Bottom line is if anyone is interested or feels you are worthy, they will call or come to you. If a guy is interested in you, he will definetly call you, take you out, treat you, show he cares, etc, etc.
d0ll Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I've read the book but haven't seen the movie. In regards to the book, I can agree with a majority of it. Bottom line is if anyone is interested or feels you are worthy, they will call or come to you. If a guy is interested in you, he will definetly call you, take you out, treat you, show he cares, etc, etc. i'm sure the book/movie doesn't tell us anything we don't already know ..
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 While I haven't seen the movie, the book was a good read, in that if you're getting over someone or having the same issues, relationship after relationship, it can help you move on. I didn't read every chapter though. While I agree that it's not for everyone in that it's pretty harsh, it's a good way to kick start a woman into getting her arse in gear and taking charge of her romantic life. No more victimhood or excuses for putting up with bad behaviours.
Taramere Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't like that "he's just not into you.." phrase. It always strikes me as a rather hostile attack on self esteem that's masquerading as refreshing honesty. "Bitch, please. Wake up and smell the coffee. The guy isn't interested in you." There surely aren't so many people who are out of touch with reality to the extent that they need to be bashed over the head with phrases like that. I know these phrases get bandied around on message boards and in books....but that's probably primarily because these are relatively impersonal forms of communication that encourage expression of the kind of harsh truths that people would be less inclined to spout in real life. I would certainly never use that phrase to a friend who was angsting over whether a guy was interested or playing games. If I thought there was a danger that she was getting emotionally embroiled in someone who wasn't interested, I'd be more inclined to say "You can't read this guy's mind...but to give yourself clarity and peace of mind it's probably safest to assume he just wants to be friends. To respond to and invest in him as a friend and nothing more...unless or until he expresses his romantic interest in clear terms."
LovieDove24 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I couldn't agree with you more Taramere. Most women refer to that book during a time of rejection. They want to know why the man they were interested in or cared for is no longer (or never was) reciprocating. Just as it hurts to get rejected after a job interview you were excited for, the same rings true for being denied by a potential mate. I too referred to this book during a hard time and I felt like it was insulting me. It was essentially saying that I was not "interesting" enough for all these men. Not the nicest thing to hear when you're feeling low. This is why I feel that the title and message are too blunt for such a sensitive subject. Planting a seed of inadequacy is never going to do what must ultimately be done in order to have healthy relationships: gain and maintain a positive self image.
LoveLace Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't like that "he's just not into you.." phrase. It always strikes me as a rather hostile attack on self esteem that's masquerading as refreshing honesty. "Bitch, please. Wake up and smell the coffee. The guy isn't interested in you." There surely aren't so many people who are out of touch with reality to the extent that they need to be bashed over the head with phrases like that. I know these phrases get bandied around on message boards and in books....but that's probably primarily because these are relatively impersonal forms of communication that encourage expression of the kind of harsh truths that people would be less inclined to spout in real life. I would certainly never use that phrase to a friend who was angsting over whether a guy was interested or playing games. If I thought there was a danger that she was getting emotionally embroiled in someone who wasn't interested, I'd be more inclined to say "You can't read this guy's mind...but to give yourself clarity and peace of mind it's probably safest to assume he just wants to be friends. To respond to and invest in him as a friend and nothing more...unless or until he expresses his romantic interest in clear terms." I agree with this... It makes me believe that pretty much every guy I may have been interested in was never really that "into me" because only men I'm NOT interested in have gone out of their way to pursue me or blow up my phone. The guys I like are always in the gray area and keep me guessing. It's a real self esteem blower to just conclude that none of them are really into me at all, simply because they weren't in a huge hurry to get serious or whatever. Ok some of them were not interested enough, but others are fresh out of relationships or just plain not in the position to start a new one. Whatever the excuse, I don't have a choice but to move on and that's enough for me to deal with, let alone someone saying, "look he just does not think you are good enough for him." But I can guess I can see how it's a good concept for someone who struggles with moving on...I've been there but in time I've gotten pretty good at it without hesitating much, because he(( I'm so used to it....after being dissed as many times as I have it gets a lot easier to just throw my hands up and say, oh well, where's the next cutie? So even though I frequently feel not attractive enough or good enough or whatever, I guess I don't need that book...
youngandinlove Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Insecure women notice when guys are that into them because they are probably crazy!!! Thats why you have to treat every man like they are the least most important thing on your mind. As immature as that sounds IT F'n Works they eat it up like its what they have been looking for all their lives. Also women that things real cool and do not show signs of insecurity are more likely to be marry, have children and end up with men that adore them.
fral945 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Without knowing anything about the book or movie (which I have neither read nor seen), I agree with the premise “he’s just not that into you”. For me, the reasons for me just not being into a woman vary from situation to situation. If I am truly interested in a woman for something long-term or think there is potential initially I will make an effort to initiate contact on a consistent basis. The more red flags or incompatibilities I discover as the dating and/or relationship progresses the more I get lazy or indifferent about contacting. The majority of the time I usually find myself in the situation where I am just not into the woman. My pattern lately has been finding women I date get more interested in me and I get less interested in them. Hopefully I will find that balance one day where there is mutual interest.
stillafool Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I hear what you guys are saying and it does sound harsh. However, there are some people who will go on believing that a guy may want them even though it is crystal clear to everyone else (friends, family, coworkers, forums) that this guy is not interested. At some point people feel like they have to "tell it like it really is" to maybe shock them into some sense. Or at least to get them to stop talking about a beaten horse to death.
stillafool Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Oh and my answer to this is in my experience if a man is interested he will contact you no matter how busy he is. He has to as he has needs also that go beyond work and obligation. If he has fallen in love with you you are on his mind as much as he is on yours. He will contact you and not with a text or email but a phone call because he has to hear your voice.
nicki Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 The book/movie helps women get over the ILLUSIONS/DELUSIONS about men, and shocks them into realizing that they have been making EXCUSES for the men. I like what Taramere said about how she would respond to a friend by saying that "You can't read a man's mind. It's safer to assume, at this point, that he only wants to be friends until you have clear evidence that he wants more." Great advice, and very tactful! I remember what a therapist told me years ago when I was recovering my mind after an abusive relationship. It stills helps me to this day. She said: "If you feel like you are being ignored, you are being ignored. If you feel like your feelings are being dismissed, your feelings are being dismissed. If you feel like you aren't a priority, you aren't a priority. Stop making excuses for a guy's bad behavior."
nicki Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Also, it's no big deal if a guy isn't into me. There have been lots of guys I meet that I'm not into. But I don't give him mixed signals. I think that's why women (and men, too) get hurt. The mixed signals are confusing! Just rip the bandaid off by saying "I don't feel that special something with you." No keeping someone on the back burner so you can use them later if you get lonely and there's no one else. No acting like a coward because you can't tell someone "No, thanks."
LovieDove24 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 See Nicki, the advice your therapist gave you is great and so was Taramere's. But the reason why these phrases are actually HELPFUL (as opposed to the book) is because it puts the focus on YOU and not on the man. The blunt phrase "He's just not that Into You" however--whether its intended to or not--keeps the focus on him and his need for an "interesting" woman. Its healthier to analyze whether or not HE is meeting your needs as your therapist said Niki. Thinking that way is healthy and it also doesnt come along with the nasty aftertaste of inadequacy.
nicki Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yes! That's it. I didn't see it until you just said it. The focus is on you, not on him. You are right. No feeling of inadequacy.
nicki Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I guess it doesn't bother me that a guy isn't "into me" because I have the underlying belief that I only want to be with a guy who wants to be with me. So, it is about MY needs. Good call, LovieDovie.
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 The blunt phrase "He's just not that Into You" however--whether its intended to or not--keeps the focus on him and his need for an "interesting" woman. But it doesn't have anything to do with being an interesting woman or not. If you read the book, don't know about the movie, you would realize that it discusses situations which display male behaviour, that's just not acceptable. Many of the scenarios you've seen, whether seen it happening to a friend or yourself and watched it end. You've either seen or experienced the hurt your friend or yourself, go through. You've also seen it end either in a fiery ball of recriminations or dead space. Why not realize that when a guy isn't contacting, he's "just not that into you"? Why not realize that when a guy keeps his distance, he's "just not that into you"? This doesn't necessarily make a woman uninteresting. It just might make the guy more into himself aka selfish jerk or compatibility is lacking.
nicki Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yeah, I see what you mean. For whatever, reason he's just not that into you. It doesn't really matter. Except a lot of women say "Well, why isn't he? What's wrong with me?" So, it can help to focus on our need/perspective at first. It's easier to accept that we wouldn't stay interested in a guy who isn't interested in us. Then, as it continues to happen with other guys, it's much easier to blow it off and say "Oh, he's just not that into me. Oh well. Next."
LoveLace Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Insecure women notice when guys are that into them because they are probably crazy!!! Thats why you have to treat every man like they are the least most important thing on your mind. As immature as that sounds IT F'n Works they eat it up like its what they have been looking for all their lives. Also women that things real cool and do not show signs of insecurity are more likely to be marry, have children and end up with men that adore them. No....guys that are my friends and guys that are interested in me tell me how "cool" they think I am all the time...I've even been told that I come off as very independent and confident....but I'm 32 and stone cold single, so I don't know about that... And some of the most insecure women I know are married.
LovieDove24 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 But it doesn't have anything to do with being an interesting woman or not. If you read the book, don't know about the movie, you would realize that it discusses situations which display male behaviour, that's just not acceptable. Many of the scenarios you've seen, whether seen it happening to a friend or yourself and watched it end. You've either seen or experienced the hurt your friend or yourself, go through. You've also seen it end either in a fiery ball of recriminations or dead space. Why not realize that when a guy isn't contacting, he's "just not that into you"? Why not realize that when a guy keeps his distance, he's "just not that into you"? This doesn't necessarily make a woman uninteresting. It just might make the guy more into himself aka selfish jerk or compatibility is lacking. I have read the book I just think that 2 by 4 knocking over the head isnt very effective. Maybe thats why I hate Dr. Phil Just a little tweakage of words conveys the same message but makes it about YOUR NEEDS not HIS. Again I think what Nikis therapist said conveys a much healthier (and more importantly, kinder) message: "If you feel like you are being ignored, you are being ignored. If you feel like your feelings are being dismissed, your feelings are being dismissed. If you feel like you aren't a priority, you aren't a priority. Stop making excuses for a guy's bad behavior."
You'reasian Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So a few of you may have read the book and now seen the movie!! what do you all reckon is the only reason why a guy wont commit to you or call you because he is just not that into you or can there be other reasons?? Let me know what you all think... would be good to have a few guys perspectives on this one too! Have neither read the book or seen the movie - can you give me a synopsis?
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I have read the book I just think that 2 by 4 knocking over the head isnt very effective. Maybe thats why I hate Dr. Phil Just a little tweakage of words conveys the same message but makes it about YOUR NEEDS not HIS. Again I think what Nikis therapist said conveys a much healthier (and more importantly, kinder) message: "If you feel like you are being ignored, you are being ignored. If you feel like your feelings are being dismissed, your feelings are being dismissed. If you feel like you aren't a priority, you aren't a priority. Stop making excuses for a guy's bad behavior." I think Dr. Phil is a flake! At least the two authors of this book are coming from a practical experience perspective. It can't be taken as a psychological examination of motives or human nature, for that matter. It's also not a bible. It's interesting how different people get different things from the book. I found it harsh but far from cruel. In reading bits here and there, in reference to my own situations, I've found it to be helpful in that it challenged me to do better. One thing's for certain. For each of my relationships, the men have been an improvement from the last. When I say improvement, improvement for me, in treatment that's compatible to my core beliefs of how relationships should flow relatively easily, not be long-term futile projects.
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 "If you feel like you are being ignored, you are being ignored. If you feel like your feelings are being dismissed, your feelings are being dismissed. If you feel like you aren't a priority, you aren't a priority. Stop making excuses for a guy's bad behavior." BUT the problem with the above is that many, MANY women will still make excuses/justifications for the poor behavior. "He's ignoring me because he's scared. If I wait around enough, he won't be scared anymore." "He's dismissing me because I did something wrong. I can right that wrong." "He's not making me a priority because he's got so many other things going on. I mean, I don't blame him for putting work first." However, if you put "because he's just not that into you" at the end of each of your sentences above, it's empowering, truly allowing the woman to move on.
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