stray_cat Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 i don't post here very often but i always come here to read post and learn from all the great advices. but now i felt that i have to reach out as i dont know what to do about the situation i am currently in. no, actually i know what to do, im just not sure if its the right thing to do. i don't think anybody here knows my situation so i will start from there. so in a nutshell, me and my ex have been married for 8 yrs. we were happy, everything was great and we rarely argue. our marriage was pretty much peaceful and smooth sailing. we just moved into our new lovely apartment but at the end of June 2008 he decided to drop the bomb. I love you but not in love with you, wants to pursue his "dreams", not happy anymore and all the other typical excuses. i felt like i got hit by a bullet train to say the least. of course i did the pleading, crying, begging. i just cannot believe what was happening. i was so broken hearted and it felt like the world has lost its color. barely a week later after the bomb he already slapped me with divorce papers. i gave him 8 yrs of my life and that's how fast he wants to get rid of me. there was no other woman and until now he still maintains that there has been no other woman and i think he is telling the truth. one month later i moved out of our rented apartment. i tried to go NC but we still had to communicate about few things concerning the divorce. then around end of september he told me he felt that he wants to try to work on the marriage so we've been seeing each other almost every weekend. everything was good. he seem to be happy to see me and we really do enjoy the time we have been spending although he hasn't said anything about wanting to reconcile but for a while i felt positive that our marriage will survive. unfortunately i was just wishfully thinking. towards end of november he annouced that the marriage is really over and that he doenst think his feelings had or will ever change. so i was devastated all over again. he said he wants to remain friends with me and all and that even though his feelings are no longer there, he still very much enjoys spending time with me (turns out it actually meant having sex with me). at first i said i dont think i can be friends with him. but after awhile i started to feel stronger and reached the point where i felt i have already accepted the end of our marriage so i decide to try the "friends zone". i was able to interact with him without actually expecting him to say "hey i made a big mistake, i want you back". however i tried not to get too close to him and just kept everything light and casual. then one day i had some computer related problem and he offered that i can come to his place and he will help me with it. we haven't seen each other for over a month prior to that so he sounded very excited and asked me to come earlier than i actually planned. so i went there without any other intentions or expectations other than to do what we were supposed to do. so i got there and went through my computer and stuff but after a while to my surprise he initiated that he wants to have sex with me. that was the straw that broke the camels back. i really begun to see him from a different light. he is no longer the man i thought he was. he wants his cake and eat it too. what does he think i am? of course i declined and told him i got more self respect that than. i was offended to be honest but i kept myself calm and didn't get angry. after that day i went NC straight away. i felt that i can now truly start to detach from him and from the life that i have known. but after 1½ weeks i got a news from him that his mom had passed away. i was the first person he informed about what happen. i was very shocked and saddened by his moms death and since i still love and care deeply about him my heart ached for what he was going though. his mom is the most important person in his life. his parents are divorce and he lived with his mom until we got married when he was 24. his mom is the only family he got coz he has no siblings and his dad got remarried and lives far away and they rarely see and speak to each other. he doesn't know and doesn't have any relationship to any relative. so i was basically the only emotional support he's got. so i decided to put aside the issues we have and be there to support him. i took 2 days off from work stayed with him at his place for 4 straight days. i kept him company, listened to him, cried with him and took care of the domestic things as he was too emotionally distraught. i spent 2 days and 2 more weekends helping him clearing his moms place as it was a rental apartment and there was alot of things to be cleaned and it has to be done unless he is willing to pay another month's rent. i didn't mind doing all these and i did all of these not because i hope it would change our situation and bring our marriage back. but i did all of it because i still love him and care about him and i simply didn't have the heart to just turn my back on him in this very difficult time of his life. i decided to be selfless and vulnerable and it was not the easiest thing to do. so fast forward 4 weeks later everything is pretty much settled down and his mom has been laid to rest already. on the day of his moms funeral i also took the paper from him which was the final and last piece of paper that i have to sign for our divorce process. i decided not to sign the paper on that day at his place coz i want that day to be just all about his mom and her memories. so i took the paper home but i only signed and mailed it 2 days later. it was pretty much a peaceful and amicable divorce. so now it wont be long until i receive a paper that we are officially divorce although now i pretty much consider myself as divorced. i have been checking up on him from time to time to see how he is doing and i think he is doing pretty well considering what he just went through although he has told me he still often feels very sad specially when something triggers a memory which is pretty much to be expected. he's been eating and sleeping well and goes to work and functions normally. the last weekend i was with him we watched some tv together and he was able to laugh genuinely so i guess he is doing well. as for me, i am slowly trying to go back to the path i have been trying to travel which was to detached from him and try to move on with my life. even though there are now more days when i feel stronger and optimistic about my life and my future, there are still times when i feel down,sad and so lonely. i miss him and wished that we still had the life and the marriage that we once had. it was not perfect but it was good. i still don't understand what happened and maybe i will never fully understand. these down times makes me realize that i still have a lot of coping and healing to do and that at this point i think i am not really strong enough yet to have him in my life without feeling down in the dumps over what happen to our marriage. in as much as i want to keep a friendly relationship with him, i know that wont be good for me in the long run. now that the divorce is almost final and he seem to be coping well i am planning on going dark and cut off all the ties and communications until i feel that i am able mingle with him without any ache in my heart. i was there for him when he needed me the most but now i must look after myself and do what i think will help me cope and recover from this divorce. but i am feeling unsure if i necessarily have to cut him totally out of my life. we don't have any children so there is no good reason for us to keep communicating. i am so torn and unsure about what to do. our relationship never really turned ugly so its very difficult to totally cut each other out of our lives and it might also be unnecessary. i have been his biggest source of emotional support in this very difficult time of his life and that makes me feel that this might not be the good time to sort "abandon" him. i know he still cares about me and at this point a part of me still hopes that one day we will find our way back to each other but i am also not letting my hopes stop me from moving on with my life. i know at the end i am the only one who can ultimately decide on what i should do but it would help hearing from other people's opinion and objectives. so please help shed some light on my what i should do as i am so confused. sorry this is so long. by the way, we have been separated for 7 months now. he is 33, i am 31 and i hope at my age it is not too late yet to start my life over again. thank you so much.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...makes me feel that this might not be the good time to sort "abandon" him. ...at this point a part of me still hopes that one day we will find our way back to each other You would not be abandoning him. HE abandoned you, at the end of June 2008 and then again in November. In any case, you are not his nanny or his grief counselor. He is responsible for his own well-being and for cultivating his own support network. That is a consequence of your divorce -- you no longer get to play "supporting wife" roles, and he no longer gets to count on you playing them. I was going to suggest that there is no reason to cut him out of your life...until I read the bolded bit. I think that, as long as you are holding even the faintest glimmer of hope for a reconciliation, then having him in your life carries great risks to your mind, heart and inner peace. He will start dating again, and that could be crushing depending on where you will be in your own recovery. And you may consciously or subconsciously limit yourself from making certain decisions (taking vacations, moving away, expanding your interests or social circle, etc.) and even may stall how soon you are ready to start dating, again. You do not need to totally cut him out of your life permanently, but perhaps doing so temporarily will prove to be in your best interest, in the long run? I am sorry that you're going through this. Hugs.
PWSX3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Don't know if this helps or not, but I just read a story of a couple that have been divorced for 4 years. They have children together so they really work at keeping a civil friendship for the kids. They were saying that people would never know they are divorced, but they understand each other now more then when they were married & that they get along better now then when they were married. I know there are lots of different situations that come out of a divorce, some can stay friends, some can't talk to each other, & I even have a friend that her roommate is her "EX"..... One thing I would suggest is not to have sex with him & then see how interested he is in just being friends????
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 they understand each other now more then when they were married & that they get along better now then when they were married. Yes, I had a divorce like that. And we didn't have any kids so there was no "real" reason for us to remain friends...other than we were able to. The difficulty is when one person is secretly (or openly) hoping to get back together, as stray_cat says she is hoping. At the point it becomes FINALLY, painfully clear that a reconciliation just ain't gonna happen, it is like the loss/abandonment is brand new...and it tends to hurt twice as much as the first time around, for some reason. But if both parties are on the exact same page then certainly there is nothing "wrong" with being loving and supportive friends. The only thing that can then screw it up is if a future partner cannot handle the relationship that one has with the ex -- at that point, new choices have to be made and new understandings reached. That part can suck. But watcha gonna do?
Author stray_cat Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 the idea of him dating again is certainly one of the biggest factor why i know i should stay away from him for the meantime. i know it will happen sooner or later. it is more likely that he and i will never reconcile and i sincerely hope that someday he will find a good woman to share his life with but if that happens before i am totally healed and have moved on then certainly it will crush me.
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