Approaching women in bars/clubs

[Explorer]

I ended up (As a last resort) at an 18+ club last night. I completely struck out in trying to pickup a girl. Was something like 0 for 10.

 

A bit of a background:

26, single male, successful, considered by most very good-looking, semi-tall: 5’11”, educated, athletic build, confident, classy, and dress fashionably. In the past, my persuasiveness was my asset. I feel that I’m great at reading body language and can usually understand what one’s thinking without asking. I try to make my approaches unique and preach spontaneity is the best policy. I change and tailor my conversation toward the individual and the environment. I understand I’ve got about 10 seconds to capture one’s attention.

 

An approach example from last night:

 

Me: “Hey there, so my friend and I are having this debate. I shave and he goes for the scruffy look. I think the clean cut’s more attractive and him the opposite. What do you like better? (I’m thinking that if she’s interested in me, she’ll say clean-cut)

 

Her: “I guess it just depends on the individual.”

 

Me: I’m thinking – what kind of politically correct bs answer is that?

 

Me: So you don’t have a favorite?

 

Her: Uhhhhm, no, not really.

 

**Crickets churp**

 

Me: So what does everyone call you?

 

Her: Huh?

 

Me: What’s your name?

 

Her: Oh, I’m ____

 

Me: Well, I’m ____. Nice to meet ya.

 

Her: Well, I’m going to meet up with the rest of my friends, so….

 

Me: Alright, see ya around.

 

Me: Thinking: Damnit, got the cold shoulder again.

...................................................................

 

So, LS'ers, what am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard? Is my approach weak?

[blondesmiler]

Don't go for cheesy chat up lines, the simplest are the best.

 

Hi

Hi How are you

Hi can I just say you are beautiful

Hi can I buy you a drink

 

The harder you make it, the less genuine you sound.

[Geraltt]

IMe: “Hey there, so my friend and I are having this debate. I shave and he goes for the scruffy look. I think the clean cut’s more attractive and him the opposite. What do you like better? (I’m thinking that if she’s interested in me, she’ll say clean-cut)

 

Her: “I guess it just depends on the individual.”

There's your cue right there. She's waffling because she doesn't want to give the impression that she's interested, because - rightly or wrongly - she isn't.

 

You're not really doing anything wrong, it's just that approaches don't always work.

 

I don't know if you got the idea from some PUA material or not. It kinda sounds like it, the whole "Can I get a woman's opinion on {subject}?" thing but I don't know for sure.

 

Point is that you scored 0 for 10 that night. So what? NEXT. If she wasn't interested, that's fine, there are an almost infinite number of attractive, available women.

 

Personally, I'd be very wary of saying something like, "Can I just say you are beautiful?" sort of thing. Sounds a bit too canned.

 

Just keep it light, keep it amusing (avoid cocky-funny, because it's so old hat now that pretty much every woman will know EXACTLY what you're doing) and be yourself.

 

But you already knew that anyway.

[Isolde]

At a bar/club, the cliche method works best. Just approach all girls you find attractive and say something like, "Do you come here often?" or "Hi, what's your name?" Some girls don't like it when guys buy them drinks, I'd wait to gauge her reaction before attempting that. The rules for bars/clubs are different than in in everyday places; you can get away with being a lot more casual and direct, as long as you are confident and respectful.

[Surfer Dude]

You didn't do anything wrong, this is an example approach and should generally work.

 

Instead of acting like her slave and begging her for permission to buy her a drink, you created an opportunity for her to be engaged in a fun conversation. You asked open an ended question which would normally fire up her imagination and creativity and you structured opportunities for her to act within them.

 

She didn't respond the way you hoped and that's ok, maybe she wasn't in the mood, maybe she has a boyfriend, maybe she was tired, maybe she's a lesbian, maybe she's an idiot - the point is, it doesn't matter.

 

Your approach is way better than the BS I see in 90% of cases. She probably would've left even if you were Brad Pitt. Focus on other women.

 

As for cocky&funny, it's pretty old and many women see right through it. I use that only when dealing with BS questions:

HER: where were you last night???

ME: I was at home thinking about you, but then I got bored and called over 10 strippers.

 

When approaching, I prefer to be funny and friendly, but also slightly cold hearted and I try to play it cool. The point is, try not to appear enthusiastic about her. Act like you're enjoying your convo and having a good time, but you could do without her.

 

And remember... NEVER, EVER BUY A DRINK FOR A WOMAN you don't know, no matter what women might tell you.

[Geraltt]

NEVER, EVER BUY A DRINK FOR A WOMAN you don't know, no matter what women might tell you.

^^ +1

 

quoted for truth

[Lizzie60]

You did nothing wrong.. she was just not interested.. or she had someone else in mind.. who knows?

 

Avoid the cheesy lines: 'You are so beautiful.. What were you doing last night.. etc.. '

 

I am with Isolde on this one.. just be simple.. Hi.. I'm (your name).. what's your name? Do you come here often?.. wait for her reaction.. if she's interested.. you'll know.. if she is avoiding your eyes.. just get lost..

[zenith]

^^ +1

 

quoted for truth

Ditto!

 

You did nothing wrong, OP... but make sure to check your breath nextime, yeah?

[Explorer]

There's your cue right there. She's waffling because she doesn't want to give the impression that she's interested, because - rightly or wrongly - she isn't.

 

You're not really doing anything wrong, it's just that approaches don't always work.

 

I don't know if you got the idea from some PUA material or not. It kinda sounds like it, the whole "Can I get a woman's opinion on {subject}?" thing but I don't know for sure.

 

Point is that you scored 0 for 10 that night. So what? NEXT. If she wasn't interested, that's fine, there are an almost infinite number of attractive, available women.

 

Personally, I'd be very wary of saying something like, "Can I just say you are beautiful?" sort of thing. Sounds a bit too canned.

 

Just keep it light, keep it amusing (avoid cocky-funny, because it's so old hat now that pretty much every woman will know EXACTLY what you're doing) and be yourself.

 

But you already knew that anyway.

 

I've seen the PUA show before, but never directly took any of their material. From what I've seen, I do agree with a lot of what they preach works, but my knowledge stems from past experiences.

 

I know there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I like to know the REASON for the cold shoulder so I can avoid redoing it in the future.

[Explorer]

Don't go for cheesy chat up lines, the simplest are the best.

 

Hi

Hi How are you

Hi can I just say you are beautiful

Hi can I buy you a drink

 

The harder you make it, the less genuine you sound.

 

This is exactly what I try to avoid, though.

 

At the club last night, say there were 500 people. Out of the 500 people, I was maybe attracted to say 20 females. Out of the 20 females, 100 men hit on her. Out of the 100 men, the majority prob used your lines above. Unless, they found him irrestibaly attractive, I'm certain they were bored with their approach. I try to stand out by being unique and genuine so I'll be more competitive and stand a greater chance of .

 

The above numbers are obviously arrogant, but I would assume that its a common scenario.

[Geraltt]

...I like to know the REASON for the cold shoulder so I can avoid redoing it in the future.

Essentially, you're asking, "What do women want?"

 

Here's a hint. Well, two hints:

 

1. Dr Freud couldn't figure it out either. If he couldn't mere mortals like you or I haven't got a chance;
   
2. You can't figure out what women want because they don't know what they want either. One minute it's the bad boy, next minute it's the rich dude with grey hair driving the Lexus, next minute it's the cabana boy, next minute it's Mr Churchgoer.
   

Point is, trying to figure it out is a fool's errand.

 

Be the best man you can be for your own reasons. The rest will happen on its own.

[Explorer]

You did nothing wrong.. she was just not interested.. or she had someone else in mind.. who knows?

 

Avoid the cheesy lines: 'You are so beautiful.. What were you doing last night.. etc.. '

 

I am with Isolde on this one.. just be simple.. Hi.. I'm (your name).. what's your name? Do you come here often?.. wait for her reaction.. if she's interested.. you'll know.. if she is avoiding your eyes.. just get lost..

 

Being simple seems like it would only work for initial interest, and that's it. What about interest that builds through a convo? If I come off and say Hi, what's you name...and she isn't interested, I could of possible avoided that with a better line.

[Explorer]

You didn't do anything wrong, this is an example approach and should generally work.

 

Instead of acting like her slave and begging her for permission to buy her a drink, you created an opportunity for her to be engaged in a fun conversation. You asked open an ended question which would normally fire up her imagination and creativity and you structured opportunities for her to act within them.

 

She didn't respond the way you hoped and that's ok, maybe she wasn't in the mood, maybe she has a boyfriend, maybe she was tired, maybe she's a lesbian, maybe she's an idiot - the point is, it doesn't matter.

 

Your approach is way better than the BS I see in 90% of cases. She probably would've left even if you were Brad Pitt. Focus on other women.

 

As for cocky&funny, it's pretty old and many women see right through it. I use that only when dealing with BS questions:

HER: where were you last night???

ME: I was at home thinking about you, but then I got bored and called over 10 strippers.

 

When approaching, I prefer to be funny and friendly, but also slightly cold hearted and I try to play it cool. The point is, try not to appear enthusiastic about her. Act like you're enjoying your convo and having a good time, but you could do without her.

 

And remember... NEVER, EVER BUY A DRINK FOR A WOMAN you don't know, no matter what women might tell you.

 

I agree with all the above except the bold.

 

I think sometimes it helps to buy a woman a drink, and others the woman will lose respect for you. It's situational.

[Isolde]

You just have to avoid pinning all your hopes on one girl. By being "yourself," you make it easier to attract people based on chemistry and not artifice. Trust me, in these settings people are interested in attraction, not in making intellectual conversations. Often I can't even hear anything because the music is so loud.

[Explorer]

Essentially, you're asking, "What do women want?"

 

Here's a hint. Well, two hints:

 

1. Dr Freud couldn't figure it out either. If he couldn't mere mortals like you or I haven't got a chance;
   
2. You can't figure out what women want because they don't know what they want either. One minute it's the bad boy, next minute it's the rich dude with grey hair driving the Lexus, next minute it's the cabana boy, next minute it's Mr Churchgoer.
   

Point is, trying to figure it out is a fool's errand.

 

Be the best man you can be for your own reasons. The rest will happen on its own.

 

Not necessarily what women want, but more specifically how to gain attention and build/sustain interest most effectively.

[Surfer Dude]

I agree with all the above except the bold.

 

I think sometimes it helps to buy a woman a drink, and others the woman will lose respect for you. It's situational.

 

They will universally lose respect for you and you come off as a wimp with no game, whose only way to get a woman is with a free drink.

 

"Can I buy you a drink" translates into "I don't even know this guy, but he wants something from me by supplicating. What did I do for him to deserve his drink? Why is he putting me on pedestal? He obviously wants sex from me."

 

Of course, those are underlying thoughts, her inner voice is probably saying "what a clueless chump, I'll have that drink and ditch him later".

 

Do not supplicate, do create attraction by being fun.

[Ramrod]

Dude, what bad B movie character are you styling yourself after? Women aren't going to respond to any BS line unless your tall, dark and handsome, and I mean so handsome every women you meet wants to bang you, even elderly relatives!

 

Why not try this pick up line Hi, my name is ___________ what's your name? if answered, proceed to a compliment, pick one of the following, eyes, hair, or an article of clothing, or simply ask if she would like some company, don't make it too complicated. Eye contact, smile, and exude confidence. Eff all the BS, you need to keep it real Hoss!

[Explorer]

They will universally lose respect for you and you come off as a wimp with no game, whose only way to get a woman is with a free drink.

 

"Can I buy you a drink" translates into "I don't even know this guy, but he wants something from me by supplicating. What did I do for him to deserve his drink? Why is he putting me on pedestal? He obviously wants sex from me."

 

Of course, those are underlying thoughts, her inner voice is probably saying "what a clueless chump, I'll have that drink and ditch him later".

 

Do not supplicate, do create attraction by being fun.

 

I went to see a popular local band a couple weeks ago. I was at the bar trying to order a drink and the bartender kept taking orders for others around me, but I was ignored. I looked behind me and noticed a cute girl. I told her, "Maybe you need to stand next to me so I can get some attention at the bar." She looked flattered. We both ordered drinks at the same time and the bartender came back with the prices. I told him put them both on my tab, she thanked me, I said no prob and walked away confidently. I came across her again and we ended up hanging out for the remainder of the show.

 

After the show, I took her home. :bunny:

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. impressive.. you should be a 'dating coach'... I'm not concerned about you.. you'll be successful with the ladies..

[Explorer]

Thanks Lizzie (Assuming you're not being sarcastic ).

 

I do have my weaknesses, though. I've been runnin' game for so long in bars/clubs that I forgot how to do any of it during normal times of the day. Which, unfortunately, is prob why I don't have a g/f.