morethenconfused Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I have no close friends or family, that I can reveal all the details of this situation to, so I figured I'd turn to the Internet community. Any input from anyone who has had similar circumstance or knows someone who has, would be greatly appreciated.. I've been married for 10 years, and her and I were together for 10 years on and off dating before we got married. The last 2 years have been really rough as she's struggled through depression, sometimes acknowledging it, other times not. She hasn't taken great care of herself, forgets to take critical medicine, and her personality is like a rollar coaster. We have 3 small children, 3 5 and 7.. We've had countless discussions of what needs to change for us to love again, she always says she needs to feel loved, and I always says for me to show her that love, she needs to be friendly, and kind. Honestly, the only thing thats kept me hanging in there the last year has been the kids, and we do have a pretty good sex life, but it's not making love. Now the delima, or my bad decessions.. 3 weeks ago, while out of town on business, I got to know a younger woman from my office, she doesn't report to me, just works for the same company, and while there we connected. We had sex there, which I know was cheating and makes me a scumbag, but there was some type of connection.. The weekend after returning, her and I went away together for 2 days, which was fantastic, but again filled with tons of sex. Upon returning, I started looking into seperation, talked to a lawyer, and then last week told my wife I wanted a seperation, she insisted she would change, and that me leaving made her see the problems, she admited to not letting me in, because she was afraid I would hurt her, and now thats exactly what happened, and begged for a chance to let her let me in.. I do feel she's lost part of herself over the last 2 years, she use to be so happy go lucky, and I know part of that is the depression.. So now, we've been apart only one weekend, but my family including myself already see her cleaning up her act, when I pick up the kids to see them, she holds her own and impresses me.. But when I'm NOT with her, I'm with the other woman, whom I feel a VERY strong connection with, we tell eachother we love eachother, which I haven't told my wife in a long time.. Now I find myself torn between the two of them, thinking of the possibilites of my wife changing, and our family still being whole.. and at the same time I don't think I can hurt the other woman the same way.. Everything I think about tells me I'm selfish, I"m looking to keep my family together and not hurt this other woman, when I know it's not possible... Also, if I told my wife I had an affair, she would NEVER forgive me, and it would be over.. so how can I go back and not tell her the truth, I think I"m just digging a hole there with no end.. Maybe these feeling are normal from a seperation, and I'm just second guessing.. I'm told by come, a zebra never changes their spots, and while my wife seems to be pulling her act together, and I"m sure it was a slap in the face that made her some to some relizations, will they stick or 6 months from now if I go back will be in the same boat, and have lost the other woman whom I care so much about? Do I do it for the kids, are the kids better off without us being together.. I just feel that I don't have any answers, and I'm a logical person who always needs to find an answer.. Thanks for any help or insight anyone can provide...
PWSX3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 First you have to decide what you want. If you want to work on the marriage then you "HAVE" to stop the affair. If you want the marriage to last you "will" have to tell her about the affair. That is a secret that you can not keep from her & still hope your marriage will work. Once you tell her then she has a choice & you will will have to live with the consequent of what you have done. I had an affair so I know your pain of what you did, but the damage has been done & you can't change that. What you are enjoying from the affair might not last, you are seeing what you want now, she is pushing all the buttons, then what happens once reality hits. Sure you have things in common, but what are the things you don't have in common that will destroy your relationship just like what is destroying your marriage? Remember at one point in time you loved your wife, so you need to figure out what happened???? Don't look at what "she" has done but look at what you aren't doing, what you have changed, what you did that made her fall in love with you. I do understand it takes two, but you were the one that had the affair so there is something you are not doing in your marriage. Sure she might be having her issues as well, but it does sound like she might be looking at them, only time will tell. If you decide you want to stay with the affair, then tell your wife you do not want to be married & be prepaid for a ruff road. I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worse enemy, it effects SO many people and it will also effect you for the rest of your life in one way or another. It is not easy, you do not have a easy decision ahead of yourself.....Others may disagree but this is just my thoughts.
sadintexas Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I think it's fairly easy for your wife to try to pull it together at the thought of losing you. You've just shocked her and she's scrambling not to lose you (and she may not even know why she's wanting to save the marriage. It could be totally instinctual at this point). But, will it last? Without addressing your issues together and her addressing her depression, not likely. You didn't get where you are overnight, and the problems won't be fixed overnight. A complete 180 in her behavior right now would be false IMO. It would be more strategic to keep you interested and show you she can be a different person. It will take work on both of your parts to build a better marriage. So I think the decision you need to make is whether or not you still want your marriage and are you willing to have faith in her that she will do the work she needs to do long term to bring about the changes necessary for you to continue. Also, are you willing to work on issues that you have to reach that goal? Don't be under the impression that everything is now fixed and you'll instantly have the marriage you've wanted. It's going to be harder than that. If you do decide to work on your marriage, even if it's a wait and see if her behavior continues to improve, then you can not continue with the OW. You need to put your heart and effort into one or the other. You can't string one or the other along while waiting to see how each pans out. Even if you decide to leave your M and start a R with the OW, you still would benefit from IC to see what your issues were that lead to the breakdown of your M. It will help you in future R's. Could be that you've done everything right, but most likely, you'll benefit from it and see some areas that you could improve in as well.
2sunny Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 i think it's time for you to spend some time being on your own. alone time would help you have clarity. all the chaos you are living with is distorting your sense of what's right or what happy might look like. you have to keep things simple in order to see what the priority is. you have complicated things waaaay too much to see what is best. start with honesty. tell your wife. see what happens. keep the girlfriend away for now. with time - if you simplify things - you will know what the right thing is.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 How could you possibly hope to work through the issues in your marriage with your mind (and other body parts) somewhere else? Stop the affair and figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. You at least owe your wife your full and undivided attention as you work through this... Mr. Lucky
Author morethenconfused Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I think what i'm struggling with the most is how strong my feelings are for the OW... I know it's only been 3 weeks, but there is something there, something i haven't felt in as long as i can remember... additionally, i fear my desire to work things out with my wife is just my own jelousy that she'll be with someone else.. she's only ever had sex with me... the only other reason i can find to go back is the kids... is the jelousy a sign of some love left, or just me being ignorant and selfish? here i am getting it from somewhere else and i don't want her to do it... i'm not disillusioned by the fact that all new relationships start so high, but she says she's never felt this strong about anyone even her last long term 6 year relationship, and wgen i'm with her my heart and mind are only on her not the wife, not the kids, so that scares me as well..
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 morethenconfused, What I missed in your post was your understanding and acknowledgment of YOUR contribution to your wife's steady decline. I get that NOW she is thoroughly depressed and NOW she is not taking such great care of herself (which it is, as you likely discovered when you did your own research into depression so that you could properly support your wife, very difficult to impossible to take care of one's own critical needs when one is suffering from severe depression.) Did you offer to stay with the kids or help to arrange childcare so she could get a break once in a while? Did you learn how to really listen to her daily concerns, and help to alleviate their impact? Did you try to help her meet her mental, emotional and spiritual needs? Did you support and encourage her to pursue her own interests and goals? Did you offer to go with her for medical appointments, or for joint counseling? Anything, really, that showed you cared. And NOW you are offering your love conditional on the fact that she simply stop suffering from depression and become all "friendly" towards you??? You did do that research into depression, so that you could be a loving, inspiring and supportive partner, yes? And, two years ago, you did recognize your role and responsibilities as head of household, father, and spouse of a depressed wife, and you have since then been living up to them, yes? It wasn't in your post...but I am holding hope that you have done all you can, so that you can exit your marriage with a light and clear heart.
climbergirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm going to be upfront here and say that you may have to forgive me if I seem bitter in my post, but I'm a bit disgusted with the narcissism. I am very aware of how depression can affect a person as I was diagnosed with it this past November. My situation was different as I was married to someone with Borderline personality disorder...that was my demise, but, still, it is hard for someone with depression to see themselves change. And like your wife I was a happy-go lucky person until the last 6 months, so I can relate to the frustration you feel. But try to understand this..she is frustrated as well! You never state or address what brought it on. If that isn't her usual personality something brought it on--postpartum? Career? Relationship? Something happened. What exactly are you doing to pull her through this? Your love for her sounds so conditional, and to top it off you obviously are emotionally detaching yourself from her since your 'energy' is wrapped up in the OW. And you're afraid of hurting the OW? Wow. Man the f*ck up. Perhaps you should leave her, because if any of my friends had an illness and their spouse was doing this to them--I'd say get. out.
troubadour Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Morethanconfused... you really love yourself.
nittygritty Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Tell your wife that you cheated. She may not feel the same way about you if she knew that you had sex with another woman. The affair probably would be less exciting without the secrecy. Regardless of whether you get divorced or not, you are the only father that your three young kids currently have. Strengthen your relationship with them by taking more of an interest and actively participate in their lives.
TrustInYourself Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I think what i'm struggling with the most is how strong my feelings are for the OW... I know it's only been 3 weeks, but there is something there, something i haven't felt in as long as i can remember... additionally, i fear my desire to work things out with my wife is just my own jelousy that she'll be with someone else.. she's only ever had sex with me... the only other reason i can find to go back is the kids... is the jelousy a sign of some love left, or just me being ignorant and selfish? here i am getting it from somewhere else and i don't want her to do it... i'm not disillusioned by the fact that all new relationships start so high, but she says she's never felt this strong about anyone even her last long term 6 year relationship, and wgen i'm with her my heart and mind are only on her not the wife, not the kids, so that scares me as well.. Truth will set you free.
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