goodman2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I posted a thread a couple of months ago about my wife cheating on me and whether I should reconcile. I think I know the answer to what I'm about to ask everyone, but I hate having this all stuck up in m head and rattling around. Here's a quick re-cap. Married for 15 years. Have three young kids. My wife and I were best friends til the end. She had a mid-life crisis. We split up. She fled and continued to date immediately afterward--even though I held open the door to reconciling. She had a one nighter with some guy at a bar which adds insult to injury. I've been on a couple of dates, but no sparks. Because I never wanted to be in this situation, I just am not mentally into these girls. Despite all the water under the bridge, I still love a lot about my wife. After 15 years, our marriage hit a bump, I was fine with that. I am kind of okay--though disgusted--by her one nighter because we had split. Now she is beggin me back. She's making some real changes, and seems to have had a spiritual awakening. So have I, in many ways. I've learned a lot about forgiveness. But here's my dilemma: It seems that after the dates I go on, I come home bummed and depressed because the girls just don't stack up---especially when you throw in the fact that I love my kids and getting my wife back would mean my family would be whole again. On the front end of the dates, however, I get excited about the newness and feel pretty unattached to my wife. Compounding matters are a couple of personal issues: one, my wife and I have herpes--don't know who gave it to who, but we found out before we were married many years ago. So I'm dealing with entering the dating scene with this baggage and feeling really anxious about how to go about dating. Secondly, when it comes to intimacy, I was very comfortable with my wife. We had a great love life. I kind of fear I'll not be able to perform with a new partner--especially with the awkward interruption of breaking out a condom--which I have not had to do in so long. I'm a relatively young, fit and active guy, but these physical issues pose some obstacles to getting my life going again. So I guess I'm trying to figure out: am I considering returning to my wife because I love her and can get past the affair(s), or am I just suffering from post-affair insecurities complicated by my physical situation and being a young father on his own for the first time in ages? I want to make the right decision. I know love is really the starting point, but I also want to know if I'm selling the recovery process short. It's only been a few months. In a weird way, because I still love her in so many ways, and the physical intimacy she has taken part in doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would, I feel like if I could just get an experience or two under my belt, I'd be able to return to her. But I'm not that callous, I have that horrible quality of seeing a human being on the other side of sex and can't just sleep with someone as a tool for my own gratification without lots of guilt. I'm a mess, have at me, but be gentle:)
nature Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 She had a mid-life crisis. We split up. She fled and continued to date immediately afterward--even though I held open the door to reconciling. Goodman...you do sound like such a good man. Now questions....what do you mean your wife had a mid-life crisis? How do you know that is what it was? How old is your wife? Were there signs before you two split up that she was entering a mid-life crisis? When you initially split up, who did the dumping and what was said? A little more background would help in order to analyze your situation.
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