Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Bad move. Just sayin'. Assuming that he accepts that you are done with the ex (and I'd think that he doesn't, given that you still hang out with the ex) and that he doesn't have a girlfriend, then this was your mistake. Nobody wants to be approached sexually by e-mail. It's just weird. And it never works out if you actually move in the same circle. You were too afraid to ask him out in person, but suggesting physical stuff in an e-mail was okay? This screams "complicated". And it also seems "behind the back" a bit. Which is why he felt unsure towards your ex. Had you asked him out in person he could have accepted or declined or ask questions about your past relationship. Like this it was simply an awkward offer that he wisely turned down. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, nor does it mean that any guy would reject you. It simply means that you have to think about two things: 1. how much contact with the ex do you really need? and 2. don't approach or offer sex/physical intimacy to a man by e-mail. If you want casual sex, then dress up, go to a bar or a club and pick somebody. It's that easy. you're right about the email being a bad idea. Shame on me for making the same mistake twice. It was an impulsive thing of the moment. At the same time I feel like there was no way to make it clear in person that we were broken up. If my ex is always there because he's helping out on the film shoots or club which I have no control over, how was I supposed to communicate that? That's partly why I resorted to the email, even if it was a bad idea. I mean I just don't see any way I could have possibly made a move on person without him being like "wtf." Do I just have to avoid everybody that both my and I know? Doesn't seem fair.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Now that I've gotten myself into this mess, how should I act around him when we bump into each other to minimize the awkwardness? Obviously it's going to be awkward, but is there anything I can do to make a tiny bit less so? Part of me is tempted to just quit the club I created because I don't know if I can handle seeing him every week/conducting a meeting and trying to act professional with him. Somebody tell me that's a bad idea. Guess I should have thought of all this BEFORE I sent out the email. *facepalms* I think I was just overconfident that he'd say yes. I feel like Chris Farley in that old Paul McCartney interview sketch. *stupid stupid*
lord alfred douglas Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Its good to see some men still have loyalty to their friends. Men are different from women that way...some men anyways...in that they won't stab their friend in the back for a nice piece Of course I may have to eat those words if things go your way
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I don't know the history. My friend's BF briefly dated one of her friends before they got together. It totally wasn't a big deal...? I think that's... low class. There are PLENTY of people out there to date, one shouldn't have to resort to dating a friend of an ex. That said, your friend's BF BRIEFLY dated one of her friends... While I still don't condone that scenario, it's much, much different than Shadow's relationship with her ex. Seriously. Read up on it. It's... entertaining. I think I was just overconfident that he'd say yes. You tend to feel this way as to each guy, it seems. Overconfident that he's into you, and when it turns out he's not, you're almost devastated. The intensity of your emotions seems over the top towards people you don't really have a long-term connection with...
MindoverMatter Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Now that I've gotten myself into this mess, how should I act around him when we bump into each other to minimize the awkwardness? Obviously it's going to be awkward, but is there anything I can do to make a tiny bit less so? Yes: not showing that it bothers you. Actually, don't bring it up at all. And if he brings it up, shrug and smile and change the subject. Don't leave the club, don't be awkward, don't by shy, don't be over-confident. Be what you were before. If you act out now, you will turn this into a big mess. People will wonder, people will ask, people will talkt...if you act weird. But if you go on the way you were, nobody will notice and you will grow and learn from the experience. Sheesh, it's not that big a deal. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Face the music, go back to the club, be friendly and don't talk about it anymore. To nobody. It's past.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I think that's... low class. There are PLENTY of people out there to date, one shouldn't have to resort to dating a friend of an ex. That said, your friend's BF BRIEFLY dated one of her friends... While I still don't condone that scenario, it's much, much different than Shadow's relationship with her ex. Seriously. Read up on it. It's... entertaining. You tend to feel this way as to each guy, it seems. Overconfident that he's into you, and when it turns out he's not, you're almost devastated. The intensity of your emotions seems over the top towards people you don't really have a long-term connection with... That's not quite accurate. I wasn't overconfident that he was into me (I actually never thought that), but I did think there was a decent chance he'd take the opportunity to hook up with me. People in this thread encouraged me to come on to him if I wanted something physical and not to worry about the fact that he knows my ex. Many times I said that I was concerned it would be awkward because of my ex, and they said it wasn't a big deal. Granted the email approach was a really bad one (that I regret), but I don't think there was anything wrong with me approaching him on principle. I know of many people who date mostly in a small social circle, which means they inevitably date friends of friends. The situation with my ex and his best friend was very different by virtue of the fact that it was a good friend of his and we were still together. That was a horrendous thing for me to do, to say the least. It's a mistake I'll never repeat, and I don't think it bears much similarity to this situation. Given that a) we broke up for unrelated reasons and b) this guy is only a casual friend of my ex's I don't see how I was out of line for expressing interest in him. My mistake, as MOM pointed out, was to come onto him the way I did in an email... which is just something healthy women don't usually do. Maybe it wouldn't have worked in person, but it would have been the more tasteful approach Bottom line: I don't regret asking him out, but I do regret the way in which I did it. You're right about the intensity of my emotions, but I didn't feel any emotional connection to this guy. So when he turned me down the sadness was triggered by a feeling of rejection, not loss. My problem is that I hinge my self worth on things like this that are out of my control.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I'm going to take a break from LS for the time being. There are a lot of great posters on here who have been really helpful to me since I first started posting (and I greatly appreciate their advice), but there are a few others who I get the sense really don't have my best interests at heart. At this point, posting has become unproductive and detrimental to my well-being. Miring in my own negativity and the negativity generated by others isn't helping. I need to divest myself from the past, and I don't need to be constantly reminded of mistakes I made before as it only encourages fatalistic thoughts. I also use LS as a procrastination device. Something needs to change. Maybe I'll come back when I feel that there's something positive to gain. Thanks again for the help everyone!
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 So I found out from my ex that this guy has two "girlfriends," whatever that means. Apparently he mentioned that he has a crush on some TA and was thinking of asking her out but then decided "whatever, I already have two girlfriends." He said that one lives far away, the other nearby. Also he's a chronic shoplifter. Why does this leave me feeling worse? 1) I can only assume by "girlfriends" he meant two f-buddies, or two girlfriends he's not faithful to, which would negate his excuse for turning me me. I wasn't attractive enough for him to hook up with no strings attached? How bad could I be? 2) He seems to be rather immoral based on his shoplifting and treatment of women, so why would he care about sleeping with a minor friend's ex? I hope I'm misinterpreting the whole thing but it just makes me feel undesirable.
spookie Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Shadow, shadow... You know that's nuts, right? Save your energy for someone who's worth it. Feel desirable because you're the person you want to be, not because some a-hole with 2 gf's already is willing to fcvk you, his friend's ex.
MindoverMatter Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Oh, puuhleeze. 1. He is an idiot. Only idiots do shoplift. 2. He is an arse. Only arses have several girlfriends at a time. 3. He sensed you didn't fit into this. So, he saw that you were neither stupid nor slutty enough to go along with what he is all about. And frankly, you weren't that into him either. You obviously didn't know anything about the guy and your attraction to him was based on false or too few information. You wanted to prove something to yourself, hence the awkward e-mail, but you couldn't bring yourself to get to know the guy or get him to **** you in a real conversation. It was a control thing. You wanted to control a situation simply because you wanted to prove to yourself that you can detach and maybe because it would have been an easy way to put a wall behind your ex and yourself. I don't really know. That's for you to answer. Yeah. But hey, if you want to turn this into a pity party and decide that it's all about not being worthy enough for mister arseface - your choice. Even if you were simply not his type - that's not the end of the world. How many guys aren't your type? Really, work on your self-esteem. It's not coming from within at all, this is ancient history in dating time and yet you are upset about it all over again. One worthless dude didn't **** you - good for you. Take it as a lesson, next time find out more about the guy you want to **** or just put on your big girl panties, go out and initiate something in person. This way you'll never have to see the guy again and it won't matter who or what he is.
MissConduct Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 So I found out from my ex that this guy has two "girlfriends," whatever that means. Apparently he mentioned that he has a crush on some TA and was thinking of asking her out but then decided "whatever, I already have two girlfriends." He said that one lives far away, the other nearby. Also he's a chronic shoplifter. I don't know Shadow, I think your ex is going to pull out all the stops to ensure nothing happens between you two if he senses there is that kind of vibe between you. Can you trust your ex that this is actually true? he sounds really low, can it be that he is THAT low? As per the losers that feel the need to bring up your past for irrelevant yet self-serving purposes, I would completely ignore them. Let them blab on in their pathetic ways and talk to the wall. I am sorry you feel the need to leave because of that. Some people's existence is so pathetic they think the only way to validate themselves is to tear others down. Don't feel bad about this "rejection" I think the only time a guy refuses a no strings attached situation for sex, is when it can get emotionally complicated. He probably didn't want to drag you down into his "ways" because you were too good for that. Consider it a compliment actually!
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