Author shadowplay Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Fu-@ck fu-@ck fu-@ck. My emotionally detached sexual attraction has transmorphed into a full-blown crush (still mostly physical though). This guy is the embodiment of my type in every way conceivable. First the physical: 1) 6’2” 2) Dark, thick brown hair you just want to run your fingers thorugh 3) Super sexy, alert brown eyes with thick brows 4) Cute smile 5) Masculine jaw 6) Incredibly sexy large hands and forearms :love: 7) Broad shoulders 8) Sexy voice 9) But not so "perfect" or "conventional" looking that he looks like a mimbo Personality: 1) Really smart 2) Shares my interests/hobbies 3) Extremely funny/witty/snarky 4) Sexy, slightly aloof demeanor 5) Confident, masculine Gahhhhh……….. I hate crushes because they immobilize me around the person, making it virtually impossible for anything to ever happen. I was beginning to think I wasn’t even capable of feeling this attracted to anybody. Thought I was too jaded or something. I would see attractive guys around campus and be like “yeah he’s hot, I guess” but feel nothing. Boy was I wrong. You forget until the right trigger comes along and it hits you like a ton of bricks. Wham. I so don’t want to have a crush on him, but I see him CONSTANTLY and every time I do I get all horny. So tonight there was a pizza gathering for people helping on his film. I went there meaning to flirt, but I choked when I saw him. First off my ex came along and totally dominated the conversation as usual with his dorky jokes. But it’s mostly my fault for being such a wuss. I just never know what to say or how to interject when it’s like a group conversation where people are just shouting random things out. Any advice? I wish I could just get him one on one. Twice at the gathering he came over and sat down close to me to show me his shot list and script. I practically fell out of my seat. I can tell by the way that he addresses us that he still thinks my ex and I are together,. I tried to leave separately from my ex and then my ex yelled out in front of my crush, "Hey, Shadow. Where are you going? Do you want a ride?!" should have turned him down, but it was really cold outside so I agreed. I need to make it clear that we're no longer together, but don't know how to do that when my ex is always there. Same thing when I got there. My ex just happened to be arriving at the same second so it appeared that we came together when we actually didn't. Well, one good thing. I looked hot tonight. Not slutty, but hot. I could feel the male eyes on me. I'm thinking of sending him a friendly email with a link to a movie that reminds me of the one he's making. Would that be over the top considering we're still just acquaintances? I will be working on his shoot this weekend. We'll talk there but it will be strictly business and he'll be distracted I'm sure. I just don't know how to get him one on one. Also, I found out he's def single. The bottom-line is that my chances are doomed because this is already way too important to me, as Stargazer pointed out. Whenever I really like a guy I kill my chances by psyching myself out and clamming up in his presence. I just wish I could relax and not see it as a big deal. Maybe have a few drinks before I see him next time?
Trialbyfire Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Haha...knew it! You beat my guess by one thread! Don't do it shadow. EU guys are heartbreak.
Author shadowplay Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Haha...knew it! You beat my guess by one thread! Don't do it shadow. EU guys are heartbreak. You're right, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of being attracted to a guy who's really nice. Not that I'm always attracted to jerks, but the guys who really make me melt tend to be somewhere in-between. I just can't seem to associate total emotional availability with masculinity.
Isolde Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 See, yet another problem you and I share in common. We build up our crushes so much that we equate crush with failure. (I don't choose people who are EU, but I don't choose people who are available ENOUGH, but that's because I've never met a guy I was attracted to that was truly open to dating me). I have a crush right now that DOESN'T fall into the pattern of all my earlier crushes, but I can't make a thread about it. I'm terrified about sharing the details.
Author shadowplay Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 See, yet another problem you and I share in common. We build up our crushes so much that we equate crush with failure. (I don't choose people who are EU, but I don't choose people who are available ENOUGH, but that's because I've never met a guy I was attracted to that was truly open to dating me). I have a crush right now that DOESN'T fall into the pattern of all my earlier crushes, but I can't make a thread about it. I'm terrified about sharing the details. Tell me about your crush. It'll ease some of the pain.
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I knew it. I mean, really? "I have it bad"??? And you think you'd be able to keep yourself detached? Don't do it, Shadow.
Isolde Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I'll PM you tomorrow, Shadow. Thanks for offering to listen.
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 BTW - a "crush" is called just that for a reason.
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I just don't know how to get to know him better, be flirtatious, and communicate that my ex and I are no longer together. I think you start the flirting by leading with the fact that you and your ex are not going out any more. Kills both birds with one stone. If he doesn't figure that one out, then he's not as intelligent as you think. I can tell by the way that he addresses us that he still thinks my ex and I are together.... I need to make it clear that we're no longer together, but don't know how to do that when my ex is always there. If your ex is there in the group setting, then you find a way to get next to target guy, and whisper it in his ear, conspiratorially, that you and your ex are no longer together. Your breath on his ear, sharing a secret meant for him alone, and the secret is: you are available... Now, as to the wisdom of pursuing this, I'll defer to the others as I don't have a strong position on that topic. That's most likely due to a strong bias that I can't shake, as I can't help but imagine being the lucky guy, and thinking "well, of course it's a good idea..."
The Collector Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You're right, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of being attracted to a guy who's really nice. Not that I'm always attracted to jerks, but the guys who really make me melt tend to be somewhere in-between. I just can't seem to associate total emotional availability with masculinity. Overly sensitive wussy cry-babies aren't masculine. Do men have to be complete cold fish before you fancy them? As I said to you before, there will be men that tick your preferences and still make good, rewarding partners. You just have to find them, by overcoming your shyness and meeting more.
Author shadowplay Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Update. I'm not sure what to think. I probably did something stupid and sent him an email explaining that my bf and I had broken up and asking if he wanted to hang out or whatever. My ex was there when I sent the email because we were working on something related to our club. I told him about it ahead of time, and he was cool with it since he's also interested in seeing other people. Very soon after I sent the email out Matt calls my ex (which I thought was a little odd), and is like "dude, are you on campus?" When my ex said no, he invited my ex to hang out with him and his friends the following night. So I spoke to my ex tonight. He just got back from Matt's place. I guess Matt asked a few questions about us. "How are things with you and Shadow?" When my ex said we had broken up he said "But you guys still hang out a lot, right?" and pointed out that we're "frequently seen together." My ex explained that we're still friends and have some extracurriculars in common, but we've agreed to see other people. Oh, and apparently Matt and that girl aren't in any way involved. I don't know what to make of the whole thing. Matt hasn't responded to the email when I last checked, which was right before my ex left his place. I just have a feeling that even if he were interested he would feel awkward about doing anything, because he's friends with my ex...which is exactly what I was worried about.
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 My ex explained that we're still friends and have some extracurriculars in common, but we've agreed to see other people. Who told you that? Your bf? Who knows what he must have told him.
winsmith-84 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Easy, make the first move. As a guy, I'm perfectly fine with a girl making the first move - it makes my life a lot easier. Start making eye contact with him, strike a conversation with him, comment on how nice he dresses, soon enough he'll know you're interested and if he's interested, he'll start talking to you. Then exchange numbers or what not and basically make it known you want to have sex with him.
Author shadowplay Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 He still hasn't responded. I shouldn't have taken a chance. Whenever I do it backfires. I still don't understand why he invited my ex to this thing and asked him all these questions about our situation if he wasn't at all interested. Whatever. I just wish ONE thing could go right in my life.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Well he finally got back to me, and turned me down. Said he had a girlfriend and would "feel horrible cheating on her." I'm 90% sure he doesn't have a gf and that's a lie. I feel terrible. I must be so repulsive to guys if he would go so far as lie about having a gf to avoid hooking up with me. I even implied something more physical in the email. I used to be pretty. Maybe I lost it or something, I don't know. I just feel like a monster that keeps getting uglier and uglier. Every time I reach out to a guy he turns me down, every time. I feel like I look sick in the last year or two. More than anything I just feel completely humiliated. I feel nervous just walking around campus that I'll bump into him. That would be terrible. Maybe I'm just overconfident and assumed I was more attractive than I am? Maybe I should just forget about ever showing interest in a guy, because the chances that he'll be interested are low. At least with Mr. Harvard he was interested initially before he turned me down/changed my mind. Also there were other issues at hand.
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Why are you surprised? Any RESPECTFUL dude would NOT date an ex of a friend. If he has to lie to make you feel better, let him. In the same vein, any respectful woman would not date a friend of an ex she's still tied to. You've attempted to do this twice now. When will it stop?
Isolde Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Why are you surprised? Any RESPECTFUL dude would NOT date an ex of a friend. If he has to lie to make you feel better, let him. I don't necessarily agree with this. It depends on how long the relationship lasted, and what kind of breakup it was. Anyway, Shadowplay, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it's not like you were foreseeing a real relationship with him anyway.
Star Gazer Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I don't necessarily agree with this. It depends on how long the relationship lasted, and what kind of breakup it was. I don't know ONE man who ever would. And do you know the long, dramatic history behind her relationship with her ex?
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Why are you surprised? Any RESPECTFUL dude would NOT date an ex of a friend. If he has to lie to make you feel better, let him. In the same vein, any respectful woman would not date a friend of an ex she's still tied to. You've attempted to do this twice now. When will it stop? I agree, but I think this is a little different because he just started hanging out with my ex recently, where in the other situation they were long time friends. I met him before I even knew he and my ex were friendly. What am I supposed to do if we have the same social circle? Avoid everyone he knows?
Isolde Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I don't know ONE man who ever would. And do you know the long, dramatic history behind her relationship with her ex? I don't know the history. My friend's BF briefly dated one of her friends before they got together. It totally wasn't a big deal...?
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I don't necessarily agree with this. It depends on how long the relationship lasted, and what kind of breakup it was. Anyway, Shadowplay, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it's not like you were foreseeing a real relationship with him anyway. That's true. But it's not the disappointment that hurts, so much as the rejection and feeling that somebody I'm attracted to will never feel the same way about me. I've only made a first move with probably three guys in my life, and each time I was rejected. I don't get it because people tell me I'm attractive, smart and interesting...so it doesn't seem like I should have so much trouble. But maybe they lie. *shrug*
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I don't know the history. My friend's BF briefly dated one of her friends before they got together. It totally wasn't a big deal...? I agree with this. Considering they're just casual friends, I don't think it would have been a big deal.
Isolde Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 That's true. But it's not the disappointment that hurts, so much as the rejection and feeling that somebody I'm attracted to will never feel the same way about me. I've only made a first move with probably three guys in my life, and each time I was rejected. I don't get it because people tell me I'm attractive, smart and interesting...so it doesn't seem like I should have so much trouble. But maybe they lie. *shrug* Shadow, I've never gotten anywhere with a guy I was attracted to, either. But those guys clearly weren't relationship material for me, so it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Author shadowplay Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Shadow, I've never gotten anywhere with a guy I was attracted to, either. But those guys clearly weren't relationship material for me, so it doesn't matter to me anymore. I wish I could adopt your mentality. Whenever I'm rejected, trivial little things hurt me. Like shopping today in the grocery store and hearing a song blaring on the radio with a guy singing about how crazy he is for a girl. Or on my newsfeed seeing that a facebook friend of mine (who dated a guy I liked) posted a picture of her cute new bf biting her shoulder. It feels like I'm constantly being reminded of how enthusiastic men can be for women. This is really stupid, but I can't even bring myself to listen to "comfort music" with male vocalists, because any guy feels like a potential rejector right now. I just keep asking myself, why am I not good enough? There was a brief period about two years ago (around the time I met my ex) where guys seemed to find me attractive. Then I lost it.
MindoverMatter Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I even implied something more physical in the email. Bad move. Just sayin'. Assuming that he accepts that you are done with the ex (and I'd think that he doesn't, given that you still hang out with the ex) and that he doesn't have a girlfriend, then this was your mistake. Nobody wants to be approached sexually by e-mail. It's just weird. And it never works out if you actually move in the same circle. You were too afraid to ask him out in person, but suggesting physical stuff in an e-mail was okay? This screams "complicated". And it also seems "behind the back" a bit. Which is why he felt unsure towards your ex. Had you asked him out in person he could have accepted or declined or ask questions about your past relationship. Like this it was simply an awkward offer that he wisely turned down. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, nor does it mean that any guy would reject you. It simply means that you have to think about two things: 1. how much contact with the ex do you really need? and 2. don't approach or offer sex/physical intimacy to a man by e-mail. If you want casual sex, then dress up, go to a bar or a club and pick somebody. It's that easy.
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