marlena Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I can understand that you would want to go back to a "safer" form of relationship before you are ready and feel comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable again. After all, if you check out emotionally, your feelings aren't really at risk in a fwb situation. And if you aren't vulnerable, you can't get hurt. The above is ever so true. It's the best time to have sex without emotional involvement... the in-between period when you most definitely don't want to put all of yourself out there. It's worked for me. And it felt good. When both parties are on the same page about this, it's both wholesome and in its own way fullfilling.
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I agree with you. This guy is classic EU, and that may be part of my attraction to him. But I really don't want a relationship with him. I just want to have something fun and sexual. Isn't it possible to just want that and nothing more? You said the same thing about the guy who you believe rejected you.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 You said the same thing about the guy who you believe rejected you. True but I had been nursing a crush on that guy for 7 years.
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 True but I had been nursing a crush on that guy for 7 years. I don't think it matters. You thought you were capable of an emotionless romantic/sexual relationship. I think everyone here knows that you're not capable of being emotionless, about anything. It's perfectly okay that you're not capable of such a thing, Shadow.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 If you honestly just want sex, invite him either in or out, and then seduce him. It's not hard, really. "Matt, want to come over for beer and some rock band, right now?" Be dressed kinda slutty, get him drunk... I don't think you need to preempt that with an email/ conversation/ discussion of what this means or what you guys want. If he oozes what you say he does, I'm sure he's experienced in this way, and he'll be able to take over the situation once you have him at your place. On the other hand... what if HE wanted something more? Would that still not change what you (think you) want? Man, I don't know if I have the guts to do that. Especially in person. I might be courageous enough to message him or something, but would that not work? Right now if I invited him out or in it would be too weird because we barely know each other. Should I wait to get to know him a bit better first, or should I immediately move in for the kill? Or here's another option. I could throw a house party with my roommates and I could invite him and other people from the club to that. Then again, I probably wouldn't have much one on one time with him if I did that.
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Man, I don't know if I have the guts to do that. Especially in person. I might be courageous enough to message him or something, but would that not work? Right now if I invited him out or in it would be too weird because we barely know each other. Should I wait to get to know him a bit better first, or should I immediately move in for the kill? Or here's another option. I could throw a house party with my roommates and I could invite him and other people from the club to that. Then again, I probably wouldn't have much one on one time with him if I did that. Overanalysis = you care too much. Just proves my point. I won't look forward to saying, "I told you so," but I'm pretty certain I'll be thinking it soon.
Stockalone Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 The above is ever so true. It's the best time to have sex without emotional involvement... the in-between period when you most definitely don't want to put all of yourself out there. It's worked for me. And it felt good. When both parties are on the same page about this, it's both wholesome and in its own way fullfilling. It does sound like a good idea in theory under certain conditions. But it's not for everyone. It would never work for me.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I don't think it matters. You thought you were capable of an emotionless romantic/sexual relationship. I think everyone here knows that you're not capable of being emotionless, about anything. It's perfectly okay that you're not capable of such a thing, Shadow. I see what you're saying, but I think it's more complicated than that. Whether I'm emotional or not really depends on the person. For example, I felt almost nothing for my ex's friend after we hooked up the first time even though I thought I would. In the past I've dated guys casually for a long time and developed little attachment to them. Although I can't claim absolute certainty, I don't think this is the kind of guy I'd develop deep romantic feelings for. He's just too shallow.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So, lets say hypothetically speaking that you sleep with him and the sex isnt all cooked up what you thought it would be , is it really worth it to be awkward in class with the two of you?
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 So, lets say hypothetically speaking that you sleep with him and the sex isnt all cooked up what you thought it would be , is it really worth it to be awkward in class with the two of you? yes! In fact that sounds kind of hot............
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 An important detail I forgot to mention. He may have a crush on one of his friends. This girl was at the party on Saturday night and will probably be invited to most of the social events where I see him since she's acting in his movie. Not sure how long he's known her, but he was definitely flirting with her at the party when he was drunk. That said, they don't seem to be going out and she didn't stay the night at his house after the party. She was also present when he said that he's not interested in ever having a serious relationship with a girl. She may not be as conventionally attractive as I am, but she's far more extroverted and friendly. I can see why he would like her. I should have considered this before, but does this rule out the possibility of me having a ONS with this guy? I'm not sure how that works. I just feel like it's going to be tricky for me to flirt with him with her there, especially considering how talkative she is. I think forcing myself to flirt with a guy I like will be good practice, though, because it's something I almost never do. Even if it doesn't work, good practice. I'll just look at it that way.
MindoverMatter Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 1. Why would it be kind of hot to be in a class room with a guy you had bad sex with? I never want to be around anybody whom I've had bad sex with. Just too awkward. 2. You overthink. If the girl is special to him he won't do anything with you and that's that. But you won't find out if you don't try. Unless he is already with her, or you are very good friends with the girl you have no reason to not go and try your luck.
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Are you certain that part of the appeal isn't a sense of competition, shadow?
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 1. Why would it be kind of hot to be in a class room with a guy you had bad sex with? I never want to be around anybody whom I've had bad sex with. Just too awkward. 2. You overthink. If the girl is special to him he won't do anything with you and that's that. But you won't find out if you don't try. Unless he is already with her, or you are very good friends with the girl you have no reason to not go and try your luck. 1. I always find there's something sexy about being in a zipped up professional setting with a guy and thinking to myself "we've shared something far more intimate." 2. You're right I need to stop psyching myself out. It's not that important.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Are you certain that part of the appeal isn't a sense of competition, shadow? No, because I wasn't even aware of this girl's existence until the party. If anything, her presence has lessened my interest and desire to try anything. I don't like competing for a guy's attention. I'll probably still give it a shot, because putting myself out there is something I need to learn. My first instinct when I like a guy is usually to run.
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 No, because I wasn't even aware of this girl's existence until the party. If anything, her presence has lessened my interest and desire to try anything. I don't like competing for a guy's attention. Good. Don't play. Competitive edge like this creates false demand.
grogster Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 SP, analyze less, flirt more. If sexy intelligent guys excite you, get in the game. They're not that many of us that you should let this guy go. You're young, smart and pretty--start flirting. Even if nothing happens, you're exercising your "erotic" muscles. Have some fun, and don't dissect "motives" because "motives" matter squat. Play thyself.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Good. Don't play. Competitive edge like this creates false demand. I agree, but isn't almost any halfway desirable guy going to have a few interested girls in his orbit? Wouldn't it be better to force myself to go against my instinct and put myself out there? I need to stop letting myself be intimidated by every little thing. This is part of the reason I'm so shy.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 SP, analyze less, flirt more. If sexy intelligent guys excite you, get in the game. They're not that many of us that you should let this guy go. You're young, smart and pretty--start flirting. Even if nothing happens, you're exercising your "erotic" muscles. Have some fun, and don't dissect "motives" because "motives" matter squat. Play thyself. Thanks for the pep talk! This is the attitude I'm trying to go in with. I need to stop thinking and just do, without worrying so much about the consequences.
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I agree, but isn't almost any halfway desirable guy going to have a few interested girls in his orbit? Wouldn't it be better to force myself to go against my instinct and put myself out there? I need to stop letting myself be intimidated by every little thing. This is part of the reason I'm so shy. It's up to you if you feel you're capable of handling rejection, if it doesn't go your way. On the otherhand if it does, it can also help to increase your confidence level. Your choice.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 It's up to you if you feel you're capable of handling rejection, if it doesn't go your way. On the otherhand if it does, it can also help to increase your confidence level. Your choice. I'm going to take that risk. At the same time, I won't throw myself at him like I did with the last guy. I'll "feel him out" a bit and only move forward with the flirtation if I get a positive response.
marlena Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Grogster is right. The more you flirt, the better you get at it. Just be sure that you can handle the sex without getting emotionally involved because like you said this man is a bird in flight. Once you are sure of this, go for it.
The Collector Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Ask one of his friends if he's seeing anyone. He'll get the word, and make a move if he's interested.
Author shadowplay Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Ask one of his friends if he's seeing anyone. He'll get the word, and make a move if he's interested. That's a possibility. I don't really know any of his friends, but if he has another party I could try that.
Isolde Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I agree, but isn't almost any halfway desirable guy going to have a few interested girls in his orbit? Wouldn't it be better to force myself to go against my instinct and put myself out there? I need to stop letting myself be intimidated by every little thing. This is part of the reason I'm so shy. I'm like this, too. You just gotta turn the tables. "You're fascinating, hot, and intense, Shadow," you should say to yourself. It's true, maybe he thinks you are constantly surrounded by prospective suitors that are intrigued by your air of mystery
Recommended Posts