shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm in lust with this guy who I know through my film club. Since I broke things off with my ex a week ago, my attraction has grown stronger. The thing is I'm not interested in any sort of relationship with him; I just want to jump his bones. If you think that's "improper" for a girl to feel then don't bother reading further. How do I let this guy know how I feel without being sketchy about it? Or is impossible for a girl to do that (as my one failed experience over the summer might suggest)? It's a sticky situation for a few reasons. 1) My ex knows him somewhat better than I do (though they're not exactly friends, just met recently), and when I see the guy my ex is always there since he's also involved in the club and also helping this guy shoot his student film. 2) The guy probably thinks we're still dating. I mean how would he know otherwise? I doubt my ex has announced it to him. Last week my ex told me that this guy, let's call him Matt, asked him whether we were dating and my ex said yes since we were at the time (that was the day before we broke up). 3) Matt invited both of us to his house for a party last night and we came together because my ex offered to take me. I don't own a car, so it was my only way of getting there. How do I communicate that we're no longer together? Matt is not relationship material. He even said to my ex how he can't see himself ever being in a real relationship. Yet he does seem very much like the kind of guy who would be into casual sex, which is honestly what I want with him. I just don't know how to get to know him better, be flirtatious, and communicate that my ex and I are no longer together. Right now Matt would be shocked to find out that I'm interested in him as nothing in my behavior has suggested that. How do I break out of my shell and show interest without being over the top? How do I communicate interest in a one night stand without making him think I want more? Guys always seem to assume that if a girl wants sex she wants to have fifty of his babies, which is really annoying. To be honest I'm not sure why I'm so attracted to this dude. He's kind of emotionally cold, but he oozes sex and intelligence. He's literally the only guy I've felt a twinge of attraction for in six months. When I'm around him all I can think about is what he'd be like in bed.
marlena Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To be honest I'm not sure why I'm so attracted to this dude. You've answered this yourself, haven't you? "but he oozes sex and intelligence." Lethal combination. How to go about it? Hmmmm! Dress to the nines, have a scotch before you go to loosen up a bit (I know that you are shy) and be flirtatious. He'll get the message, I'm sure. As for communicating that you want a one night stand only, I wouldn't worry about it at this point in time. He himself ,as you stated, does not want a relationship, is not relationship material, so you shouldn't have a problem with that. Question is: are you sure that this is all you want?
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You've answered this yourself, haven't you? "but he oozes sex and intelligence." Lethal combination. How to go about it? Hmmmm! Dress to the nines, have a scotch before you go to loosen up a bit (I know that you are shy) and be flirtatious. He'll get the message, I'm sure. As for communicating that you want a one night stand only, I wouldn't worry about it at this point in time. He himself ,as you stated, does not want a relationship, is not relationship material, so you shouldn't have a problem with that. Question is: are you sure that this is all you want? The problem is he still probably thinks I'm with my ex, so he'll be like WTF if I flirt with him/come on to him. Also, 75% of my interaction with him is at the club meetings and film shoots (there's only the occasional social get together). So how do I communicate interest in a more business like setting? I had even had a lot of trouble at his party last night. I didn't know anybody there except for my ex and him. Since Matt was talking with his friends across the room, I kind of stuck beside my ex for a lot of the party. Should I just have gone up to Matt's group? It felt so awkward to do that. I just don't know how to "break in" without looking awkward when I don't know anybody. Yes, I'm 100% sure that's all I want.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 To send him an email after I've gotten to know him a bit better saying "Hey, you wanna have sex?" is probably a very bad, idea, right? But why?
marlena Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 He'll know that it's over with your ex if you come onto him. He might even come right out and ask you and then you can tell him. I know you feel awkward and shy, that's why I suggested a drink or two (on a full stomach). It might help you feel a bit less inhibited. Another trick is to pretend you are someone else. Think of a sexy movie star and how she would do it. Pretend you are an actress and play the part. Do it subtly, using body language, especially the eyes, and see where he takes it from there. If he's interested, he'll respond, if not, you can walk away and leave him guessing as to whether it was real or he imagined the whole thing. Do you think he might be interested? Have you picked any vibes along those lines? Again, I must ask, is this all you really want? Can you honestly handle a ONS?
marlena Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To send him an email after I've gotten to know him a bit better saying "Hey, you wanna have sex?" is probably a very bad, idea, right? But why? If you have to say it say it to his face. E-mail is the coward's way out, don't you think?
MindoverMatter Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To send him an email after I've gotten to know him a bit better saying "Hey, you wanna have sex?" is probably a very bad, idea, right? But why? Because it's too freaky. Imagine the situation, you get an invite for sex that is delivered through a very unsexual medium. How do you even respond to that? Short "yes", or long detailed answer? Ask for a meeting place? I mean it's not like you can get it on, you have to find a way to do it, and a time and place to do it and all of this in a weird, technical way. Mood killer, much. And even if you manage to answer to an e-mail that offers sex, in an affirmative way, you still will feel weird when you meet them. Because you either meet without it being the time frame for sex, and thats weird, because you never spoke about sex, you just wrote about it. Or you meet and this is the time frame, then it's making out on command. There is no easing into it. It's "action" and go. And that usually doesn't work out. It gets complicated, technical, very cold in general. Believe me, it's easier to ease into the first time by doing it in person. After that, you can write or text him with "sex?". But the first time, put on your big girl pants (but actually don't and go for the sexy knickers), sex him up, and it will happen. You're in college, right? Get to a party where he will be. Be sexy. Get tipsy, make a move. Forget about the ex. He has no rights on you. But stop going to parties with him. And spread the word that you're single.
marlena Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You're in college, right? Get to a party where he will be. Be sexy. Get tipsy, make a move. Forget about the ex. He has no rights on you. But stop going to parties with him. And spread the word that you're single. Excellent advice! This is what I would do for sure. Look great, feel great, take a deep breath and go for it. Think along the lines of: What do I have to lose? Oh, and yes, forget the ex. You are free to do whatever you feel like doing. If Bridget Jones can do it, so can you!
Dumbledore Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Get him alone, and then gently slide your hand down to his groin.
MindoverMatter Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Get him alone, and then gently slide your hand down to his groin. Actually, not so bad. Don't do it before you two had some laughs and some drinks, though. But essentially, that is what you will end up doing. Personally, I'd wear something that highlights my best asset, plus really sexy underwear, have a drink in one hand and get him one, too. And then...depending on how good I know him, I'd give him a chance to talk about himself (guys really love that), during the course of which chat I'd casually touch him. Nothing too intimate, the arms, or a shoulder, the hand, maybe (depends on how you are sitting) even the legs. That really makes it much easier for him to do the same. And then...just let things roll. One thing: it's better to do it at his place, because there you can just leave whenever you're ready. If he is at yours, kicking him out can be quite a hassle.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You really need to break away from the ex or it will drive the guys away. Don't be afraid to wear something openly sexy. Show off cleavege or legs, hell even show off both. That way clothes will do the talking for you. Don't tell him that you want sex, show him. You need to get past generic conversation and have some laughs and touch him lightly when talking. Look deep into his eyes with a coy smile. Keep glancing at him a lot when not talking, he will get the hint.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 He'll know that it's over with your ex if you come onto him. He might even come right out and ask you and then you can tell him. I know you feel awkward and shy, that's why I suggested a drink or two (on a full stomach). It might help you feel a bit less inhibited. Another trick is to pretend you are someone else. Think of a sexy movie star and how she would do it. Pretend you are an actress and play the part. Do it subtly, using body language, especially the eyes, and see where he takes it from there. If he's interested, he'll respond, if not, you can walk away and leave him guessing as to whether it was real or he imagined the whole thing. Do you think he might be interested? Have you picked any vibes along those lines? Again, I must ask, is this all you really want? Can you honestly handle a ONS? I like your pretend you're somebody else idea. As for his interest, I don't think he actively is right now but I believe that has more to do with my demeanor around him and the fact that he thinks I'm with my ex. Because I'm attractive and based on a few subtle cues, I'm pretty confident he finds me physically appealing, but I also get the vibe he thinks I'm weird because I'm so quiet. It's hard for me to express just how quiet/awkward I am. Just imagine the shyest person you're ever met. I get routinely told by people that I "never say anything." Even when I try to talk more, it doesn't seem to diminish this impression. Whenever I'm around Matt my ex is there and my ex tends to dominate the conversation and hog Matt's attention. It's hard for me to get a word in edgewise which is compounded by my natural shyness. He may also think I dislike him because I flaked out on one of his film shoots, made up an excuse about why I wasn't going, and my ex told him that I had lied. I apologized to him and he didn't seem to mind, but still. I also haven't been especially friendly to him because he makes me incredibly nervous. I have noticed that now he just kind of talks to my ex and ignores me, which is how people often act around us since I'm so "awkward." Yesterday was only the second time I've ever spoken to this guy in person, so it's probably not too late to correct a bad impression, right? On Tuesday night I have a good opportunity because he's having a casual pizza get together for people working on his film. Then again my ex will be there so it will be harder for me to make my presence known. Any advice on how to communicate some interest there? I'm concerned that he won't invite me to other parties since they were mostly through my ex. But maybe he will if i keep going to his shoots and stuff. Yes, yes, yes I just want to screw him. Badly.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You really need to break away from the ex or it will drive the guys away. Don't be afraid to wear something openly sexy. Show off cleavege or legs, hell even show off both. That way clothes will do the talking for you. Don't tell him that you want sex, show him. You need to get past generic conversation and have some laughs and touch him lightly when talking. Look deep into his eyes with a coy smile. Keep glancing at him a lot when not talking, he will get the hint. Thanks for the advice. My hesitation about this approach is how miserably it failed over the summer with "Mr. Harvard" when I tried to be flirty for once. Just a brief overview. This was a situation where everything looked good at first. A guy I hadn't seen in five years (knew in school) asked me out for a drink because he was in town, I dressed in a sexy but non slutty way, had something to drink before we met up and made a CONSCIOUS effort to be flirty, friendly and confident. He reacted by freaking out and barely saying goodbye to me when we parted. Then I panicked and sent him a series of texts. First one that said I had a crush on him way back and would like to see him again. He didn't respond to that. An hour later I sent him a message asking if he wanted to have no strings attached sex. He responded to that immediately with an emphatic yes and asked if I was free tomorrow night. We made plans, but then I cancelled out of nervousness I guess. I told him I wanted to see him later that week because I was busy. He never got back to me. I sent him a few messages, he kept delaying yet stressing that he was still interested. He even set up another time for us to meet one night, but then cancelled at the last minute. I stupidly sent him a long winded message about why I had idealized him in college. A few months later I asked him what happened. He said that he was weirded out by the "vibes" he got on our first hang-out. He thought our energies were off, but then found out the reason when I confessed my attraction. Then he wasn't sure what he wanted which is why he strung me along. So now I fear that if I put on a flirty demeanor a guy will run for the hills. I don't trust myself in hitting the right note, because I didn't think I was overdoing it at all with this guy yet he freaked. Sigh.
Trialbyfire Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Don't do it shadow. Emotionally unavailable man alert! I'm concerned about your attraction to EU men. Don't go down that road again until you've figured out why and how to offset it.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Don't do it shadow. Emotionally unavailable man alert! I'm concerned about your attraction to EU men. Don't go down that road again until you've figured out why and how to offset it. I agree with you. This guy is classic EU, and that may be part of my attraction to him. But I really don't want a relationship with him. I just want to have something fun and sexual. Isn't it possible to just want that and nothing more? Honestly, I'm relationship-ed out. With this guy over the summer I had much more of an emotional attachment and I would have been open to the possibility of something more. I can't see that with Matt. Whenever I think about him, it's always in terms of pure physical attraction.
The Collector Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Confide in him that there's some guy that's been hassling you for a date, what's a good way of politely declining? He'll ask if you still have a boyfriend, you say no, we split up. He'll get the hint, plus realise you're in demand.
Trialbyfire Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, there's a way to keep yourself EU, as well. There are more than enough people who can compartmentalize. There are also enough women who find themselves investing, with FWBs. It's just your history with guys like this, that make me wonder if you'll fall again. The more he remains EU, the more of a challenge he'll represent, the more you're going to invest.
Stockalone Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 So now I fear that if I put on a flirty demeanor a guy will run for the hills. I don't trust myself in hitting the right note, because I didn't think I was overdoing it at all with this guy yet he freaked. Sigh. With the other guy, you wanted to screw him, so you could finally get over that (obsessive) crush you had developed over the years. And you wouldn't have said no to a relationship. That is not the same situation you are in now. Still, a guy might run for the hills, if he has no interest in casual sex. But from what you have told us about Matt, it seems very unlikely that he belongs in that category. You said that you want nothing more, but could it be that a part of the attraction for Matt is that it would also be a victory over your ex, a way to get back at him? But I don't understand the appeal of casual sex, so it's also possible that I am reading way more into it than there really is. It's just that you mentioned how your bf seems to be in the centre of attention and that you know Matt basically through your bf's connection to him. And then there is the incident where you wanted and eventually had sex with a good friend of your ex.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 With the other guy, you wanted to screw him, so you could finally get over that (obsessive) crush you had developed over the years. And you wouldn't have said no to a relationship. That is not the same situation you are in now. Still, a guy might run for the hills, if he has no interest in casual sex. But from what you have told us about Matt, it seems very unlikely that he belongs in that category. You said that you want nothing more, but could it be that a part of the attraction for Matt is that it would also be a victory over your ex, a way to get back at him? But I don't understand the appeal of casual sex, so it's also possible that I am reading way more into it than there really is. It's just that you mentioned how your bf seems to be in the centre of attention and that you know Matt basically through your bf's connection to him. And then there is the incident where you wanted and eventually had sex with a good friend of your ex. I think you are reading more into it than is actually there, but I can understand why you'd come to those conclusions. If I really wanted to get back at my ex I would just hook up with his friend again or another one of his friends, which I have absolutely no interest in doing. As Matt and my ex aren't exactly "friends" (they just met a few weeks ago), I doubt it would hurt him any more than if I hooked up with some random guy. The first time I met Matt was on my own when my ex wasn't there, and the attraction was immediate. I don't know why casual sex is appealing to me, but I've found I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings when it comes to sex. I won't have sex with just anyone, though. It's the rare guy I find attractive, but when I do it's in a big way.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Don't think that just because your flirting didn't work out with Harvard guy that there was something wrong with it. I remember your posts on him and he sounded pretty weird. Also there was a long history of unrequited crush on him and you might have given off a strange vibe because of it. I think that trying to make something happen with this Matt guy is a good idea as it will distract you from toxic relationship with the ex.
Author shadowplay Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, there's a way to keep yourself EU, as well. There are more than enough people who can compartmentalize. There are also enough women who find themselves investing, with FWBs. It's just your history with guys like this, that make me wonder if you'll fall again. The more he remains EU, the more of a challenge he'll represent, the more you're going to invest. True, I realize I'm taking that risk. But I've noticed that when I enter into an fwb situation with a guy, I seem to invariably lose emotional attachment. Before my ex, I was in several long term fwbs that the guys wanted to take to a higher level but I was unwilling to. My relationship with my ex was the first real, adult relationship I had because it was the first where I invested or made myself vulnerable. I think my attraction to EU guys stems from the fact that my two male figures growing up were both EU (my dad and my favorite uncle). I just associate emotional reserve with masculinity.
Stockalone Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I don't know why casual sex is appealing to me, but I've found I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings when it comes to sex. Before my ex, I was in several long term fwbs that the guys wanted to take to a higher level but I was unwilling to. My relationship with my ex was the first real, adult relationship I had because it was the first where I invested or made myself vulnerable. If you know you can handle it and have had fwb before and that is enough for you, why wouldn't you be able to let Matt know (in a direct or a more subtle way) that this is exactly what you are looking for? I think you are reading more into it than is actually there, but I can understand why you'd come to those conclusions. If I really wanted to get back at my ex I would just hook up with his friend again or another one of his friends, which I have absolutely no interest in doing. As Matt and my ex aren't exactly "friends" (they just met a few weeks ago), I doubt it would hurt him any more than if I hooked up with some random guy. The first time I met Matt was on my own when my ex wasn't there, and the attraction was immediate. I am glad that you didn't take it as an attack on you. I just thought I should mention it, to make sure you don't want it for the wrong reasons. If it's something that you want or maybe even need right now for yourself, then you should follow your instincts. I won't have sex with just anyone, though. It's the rare guy I find attractive, but when I do it's in a big way. Only scattered instances where there is that instant combination of lust and attraction right away. I understand that. My relationship with my ex was the first real, adult relationship I had because it was the first where I invested or made myself vulnerable. And unfortunately, that turned out to be a toxic relationship, at least in the end. I can understand that you would want to go back to a "safer" form of relationship before you are ready and feel comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable again. After all, if you check out emotionally, your feelings aren't really at risk in a fwb situation. And if you aren't vulnerable, you can't get hurt.
Trialbyfire Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 True, I realize I'm taking that risk. But I've noticed that when I enter into an fwb situation with a guy, I seem to invariably lose emotional attachment. Before my ex, I was in several long term fwbs that the guys wanted to take to a higher level but I was unwilling to. My relationship with my ex was the first real, adult relationship I had because it was the first where I invested or made myself vulnerable. I think my attraction to EU guys stems from the fact that my two male figures growing up were both EU (my dad and my favorite uncle). I just associate emotional reserve with masculinity. If you're certain you can handle another FWB without emotionally investing, then start flirting with this guy. Use flirtatious language, eye contact, body language and lightly touch some appropriate part of his body, getting into his personal space. If he pulls back, you know he's not interested.
spookie Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 If you honestly just want sex, invite him either in or out, and then seduce him. It's not hard, really. "Matt, want to come over for beer and some rock band, right now?" Be dressed kinda slutty, get him drunk... I don't think you need to preempt that with an email/ conversation/ discussion of what this means or what you guys want. If he oozes what you say he does, I'm sure he's experienced in this way, and he'll be able to take over the situation once you have him at your place. On the other hand... what if HE wanted something more? Would that still not change what you (think you) want?
Isolde Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 How about not even thinking about whether you want sex or something more, and just flirting with him to see how he reacts?
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