Why did it hit hard to find out my wife slept with ex before we were exclusive

[WatchingAirplanes]

I've been with my wife for about three years. We were married about 6 months ago. When I first met her she had come to the tail end of a relationship with a guy that she had dated for about two years but had never committed to her. I was attracted to her but wasn't looking for a relationship because I had just come out of one... we went out once on something resembling a date, where I kissed her and felt something between us that was strong, but I was scared of and tried to deny to myself (in terms of how much it meant to me) we then had sex a short time afterward (couple weeks). It was incredibly awkward and afterwards we kind of moved apart for a couple weeks.

 

We kept in touch, but it wasn't anything serious. I started to realize that despite the awkward sex, I had feelings towards her that had started to develop, because we had still had little chit-chats every now and then, nothing serious though. Eventually she contacted me and we went out for real. We hit it off. From there a couple weeks later we became an exclusive couple and two+ years later we were married (best sex ever by the way, it improved vastly).

 

The problem is just recently through discussion I remembered that when I first started talking to her she was still in touch with her ex. We talked about it and I found out after me and her had our awkward sex, she had slept with him again, but ended up ending it completely with him that same night because she realized that he just didn't do it for her. She says that was the night that she realized she might actually have feelings for me. We ended up together and have pretty much had a storybook relationship since then... we are probably one of the most faithful couples you will ever see.

 

It hit me very very hard. The strange thing was, I hadn't thought about it to this point. At the time, I imagine I even assumed they were trying to work things out... it didn't bother me. But now looking back, it bothers me tremendously. I can't figure out why. She did absolutely nothing wrong. In all honesty, if she hadn't have tried things with him, me and her might have never ended up together... but hearing it years later hurt me and I haven't been able to shake it from my head for about a week. Is it possible that I started to fall for her before she did for me, and I felt like I possessed her in a way that I didn't at that point. She says looking back she feels bad about it, but we both agree there was nothing wrong with it. From the moment we became exclusive she has been 100% faithful to me in ways I could only dream of.

 

Do you think its just the sort of initial shock of hearing it after the time that has passed? I don't want this to become something I dwell on, because honestly this really doesn't pertain to me seeing as me and her were never together at the time. Heck, if anything it would be a case of me 'stealing' her from him... why would it hit me like it did?

[troubadour]

WatchingAirplanes,

 

just let it go and focus on good things in your relationship... this advice from glider pilot.

[Walk]

Since this is the first time you've heard this bit of news, you're hearing it as her husband and not as the disinterested third party you were when it initially occured.

 

About the only thing I can suggest is battling this one with logic. Keep repeating that you two were not even dating at the time, you had no ties together.

 

In fact, it sounds like if she hadn't taken that action that the two of you wouldn't even be together today. You wouldn't have the relationship you have now. You should be happy that life lead the two of you to a path where each of you were ready to fully comnit to the relationship you have with each other.

 

Did you have sex with any one after that first time with your W? Just curious.

[WatchingAirplanes]

No. Its hard to think back, but I believe I went on a couple dates with a girl around that time... but we never hit it off so I never did anything.

 

As far as what has been said, my rational thinking mind goes, I agree with the assessment of how I should handle the situation, but like you said, I am hearing this as a husband now. It hurts. At that time I probably wouldn't have been very concerned because as much as she intrigued me I never thought she would be my future wife.

 

It just troubles me now that it took an act like that to occur for us to end up together. The more I ponder the situation, if she would have just gone on her way we probably would have just drifted apart over time. I don't foresee how we would have ended up together... I never really took the time to think that someone had my wife after I did. Strange to ponder now, especially because when I think back she is my WIFE and not just 'that girl' that I was intrigued by at that time... it's really hard to seperate. I just don't want this to be something that I let eat at me, because it shouldn't have any bearing on our future. I feel like I am overreacting, but I am just lost as to how to get past it. Will the feeling just fade over time?

 

It doesn't help that I am not with her right now. I have been away for about a month and I am not going to be back home for a couple more weeks.

[Ronni_W]

I have been away for about a month and I am not going to be back home for a couple more weeks.

That's the 'nugget', perhaps?

Somehow your mind is playing a trick that goes, "She did it then, she can do it again"?

 

Walk is right, about using your logic -- YOUR WIFE did not do anything. YOUR GIRLFRIEND did not do anything. YOUR FIANCE did not do anything.

 

Some girl with whom you had had a one-night stand, did something which, as far as YOU are concerned, was nothing. That girl, is not in any way, shape or form related to the person who is your wife. (Yeah, okay...she kinda looks a little like your wife, but that is IT!!! .)

 

Your mind is trying to play a dirty, evil trick on you. DO NOT LET IT GET AWAY WITH THAT CRAP!!! Tell that effin' little voice to get the hell OUT of your brain, cos it is toxic and no longer welcome.

 

Then, call your wife, the woman you love, the woman of your dreams and fantasies, and tell her how much you love and miss her.

[boldjack]

This is how the "greeneyed monster", gets started. No, not the grinch, jealousy. Nip it in the bud, think of it like some other past problem that you have faced and beaten. Like getting shots when you were a kid or a bad HS date. Then let it go.

[Heroic]

Why did it bother you.....well because your relationship is a linear timeline. While we have expectations of our current spouse we don't of someone we just met but when you look back you look back through the lens of a spouse and not a stranger.

 

Everything that existed in our romantic lives before we became serious is past, and we don't dwell on it.