hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I would like to extend my apologies to the forum. For being such a self righteous, insufferable, arrogant *******. Telling everyone how to fix their marriages and judging those who have fallen short. After my wife's return from visiting her countless friends in Socal. She has come back and told me she is completely numb and indifferent to me. She says the last 2 months have been hell for her. Our whole married life she has basically put up a front for me. That the reason she does not want sex with me is because of her medications. She has just disclosed to me that she basically has no desire for me whatsoever. I asked her how long it has been this way . And she tells me she doesn't know. 30 years of marriage next month and I am totally at a loss. She was my world. But after this I guess I get to join the illustrious ranks of those who THOUGHT they had a good marriage. Now looking at the last 2 months a light has shined on the situation. I have been the very thing that I have chided other people for. I have become needy and clingy. I thought I was obeying God by "cleving to my wife". When it comes out that she would rather take a clever to me. Or at least our marriage. It has been proven again that the one who is in fear of losing the others love will become the needy one. And will go to any length to retain the others fading love. Marriage counseling has pretty much been a bust. I am 50 years old in 3 months and have never really lived for or by myself. I have poured my life into my family and now it has disintegrated. I can't live a lie, I need to love and be loved. That is my security. I cannot look down the next 30 years of my life only to look back and miss the most important thing in life to me. My wife has told me that there is more to marriage then sex. I told her that all the other things like a steady paycheck, nice home, a husband who loves her dearly, are all forms of security for her. The one form of security that I require was the love, attraction and respect of my wife. Apparently that is the one form of security I am to be denied. I will undergo back surgery on tuesday and then figure out what to do. My wife has never really been viably employable, but she has a myriad of friends and will undoubtedly get them in the divorce settlement. If I walk away debt free after selling the homes I will be alright. She can have whats left in the equity of the one home we own outright. That's what she came into the marriage with (her father had bought her a condo) and she is entitled to have that if we part. I have a good job and am a vet. So there will be another house in the works as soon as the deck has been cleared. I cannot blame her and must own the areas I have fallen short in (brow beating, condescension,isolated) I will put this on the other forums that I post on, as my pomposity knows no bounds. Any comments and mocking, will be richly deserved. Beatings will continue until moral improves.
anne1707 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Please don't beat yourself up on this any more than you are doing so already. I would be staggered if anybody here on LS mocked you for your situation. If they do then they are at fault, not you. The way you talk about your wife's needs steady paycheck, nice home, a husband who loves her dearly, are all forms of security for her and then your needs The one form of security that I require was the love, attraction and respect of my wife really make me think of the book His Needs, Her Needs. Is there no chance at all that the two of you can get into counselling and also look at this book to try and get some insight in to how you might be able to make your marriage work for both of you.
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Holy Sh*!t. I'm really sorry, Hunka..... I'm saying nothing.
carhill Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 The only constant in life is change. Expect more to come. Things may seem cut and dried right now. Considering the proximity of this revelation to your entry into serious and potentially life-altering surgery, you just learned a lot about the kind of person your wife truly is. Information is a good thing
Tony T Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...I will undergo back surgery on tuesday and then figure out what to do. My wife has never really been viably employable, but she has a myriad of friends and will undoubtedly get them in the divorce settlement. If I walk away debt free after selling the homes I will be alright. She can have whats left in the equity of the one home we own outright. That's what she came into the marriage with (her father had bought her a condo) and she is entitled to have that if we part. I have a good job and am a vet. So there will be another house in the works as soon as the deck has been cleared. I cannot blame her and must own the areas I have fallen short in (brow beating, condescension,isolated) I will put this on the other forums that I post on, as my pomposity knows no bounds. Any comments and mocking, will be richly deserved. Beatings will continue until moral improves. Don't give away the farm in a divorce. Your wife has defrauded you for 30 years, misleading you that she loved and cared for you. That was cruel beyond measure. She led you to believe something that simply wasn't true. SHE USED YOU to get her financial and other needs met. When you stay with somebody you don't love and mooch off of them...that's using, no way of getting around that. Get an excellent attorney and KEEP EVER DIME AND EVERY PIECE OF PROPERTY YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!!!!!!!!! Your wife stole 30 years of your life. She could have easily not married you...just told you she didn't love you. Nice, honest ladies to that every minute somewhere. No, she had to lie...and live a lie...because you were up and coming, promising, and she could survive financially because she had no marketable skills. From a legal standpoint, a contract must have a meeting of the minds in order to be valid. She has admitted that she never loved you. You married her because you thought there was love there...and that was a reasonable expectation. Therefore, no marriage contract existed. Try that one in the divorce court. Please kindly stick your tongue out at your "wife" for me. Thanks! P.S. Your soon to be ex has got more energy than most women, putting up that kind of front for 30 years would be incapacitating for most people!
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Her understanding of love is doing things for people. She always kept a neat house. Made sure my meds were always filled. Was always working "the list". But our physical love was always #9 on a list of 8. When I would ask her if she loved me. She would always say "I don't want to be with anyone else" How's that for passion. While she was gone I wrote her a couple of nasty (sexy) e-mails. Her comment was "they were risque"........and?
soserious1 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 between anti-depressant medications and the onset of menopause, I bet she feels numb. From personal experience Hunk, I'm telling you this has a lot more to do with what's going on with her physically than it does anything else. I totally understand what she says when she states that she feels "numb" being depressed,then having estrogen leaving your system makes everything feel really flat. You two are in a place where you're both undergoing indiviual crisis.. you with your back and your own mid-life issues, she with depression,menopause and a recent job loss. You guys need third party support,be it from your pastor,church group,your family, a couple's counselor, you both could also benefit from full medical workups.
quankanne Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 good advice ... if both parties are willing to make that kind of investment. Sadly, it sounds like Mama has already made up her mind to seek greener pastures because the one she's in seems bare. hunka, we're not going to chide or poke fun – a dying marriage is no joke. In fact it's painful to even contemplate when you believe whole-heartedly in them. what's the thing with clapping your hands to keep Tinkerbell alive? Too bad there's no magic solution to saving a marriage lo siento ...
soserious1 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Don't give away the farm in a divorce. Your wife has defrauded you for 30 years, misleading you that she loved and cared for you. That was cruel beyond measure. She led you to believe something that simply wasn't true. SHE USED YOU to get her financial and other needs met. When you stay with somebody you don't love and mooch off of them...that's using, no way of getting around that. Get an excellent attorney and KEEP EVER DIME AND EVERY PIECE OF PROPERTY YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!!!!!!!!! Your wife stole 30 years of your life. She could have easily not married you...just told you she didn't love you. Nice, honest ladies to that every minute somewhere. No, she had to lie...and live a lie...because you were up and coming, promising, and she could survive financially because she had no marketable skills. From a legal standpoint, a contract must have a meeting of the minds in order to be valid. She has admitted that she never loved you. You married her because you thought there was love there...and that was a reasonable expectation. Therefore, no marriage contract existed. Try that one in the divorce court. Please kindly stick your tongue out at your "wife" for me. Thanks! P.S. Your soon to be ex has got more energy than most women, putting up that kind of front for 30 years would be incapacitating for most people! Ahhh Tony, I didn't read that his wife said that she'd never loved him.. what she said was that she had no sexual desire for him.. and that she didn't know how long she'd felt that way.. that she feels numb.
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 hhb, people rewrite history all the time, especially when they're lashing out. Regardless, get yourself a bulldog of a divorce lawyer. If she's never worked before, you're going to need all the help you can get. Forget about giving her the house, no matter what she brought into the marriage. Do whatever your lawyer tells you to do, of which the first rule of thumb is not to give away any assets. Say nothing, agree to nothing, without your lawyer with you.
boldjack Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Damn, H, that sucks pretty bad. The other posters have it right. Give away nothing!!!! If possible try to get her to repeat these statements in front of others, relatives or friends. no one bound by any restrictions. I don't know do they still have " Denial of conjugal rights," as grounds for divorce?
Island Girl Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am so sorry Hunka You are young and have a great career - so you will not be doomed to being alone. In fact you will find what you seek - to love again and BE loved again. I am sure of it.
luvstarved Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 AAAIIGGGGH HHB this sounds so familiar and I know how frustrating it is. I am in similar situation where H value me for the stuff I do and not for me, where I am very competent, am primary breadwinner, take care of all responsibilities, very independent in nuts and bolts sense and wanted nothing more than the one thing I could not do for myself, which was to have the love of another - the sex and romance to be blunt. I have come to realization after WAY too much agonizing that you just can't make someone give you what you want. It is very sad and disheartening after putting so much into a relationship to find out that you were just a resource. Maybe your W is not capable of giving you what you want, I kind of think that with my H...but the end result is still that you do not get what you want. I know I need to get a divorce and the only thing stopping me is this remaining question of whether I can be happy alone. It is a stupid question because I am certainly not happy now...but I continue to ask it and drag my feet nonetheless. From an objective view it is easy to say that is what you should do, seek a divorce, you don't say whether your W has mentioned this, but if I were outside looking at my situation I would say RUN RUN RUN!!! Easier said than done, obviously, esp with 30 YEARS in (I have 12+). And yours seems very similar (yeah I will keep you around but don't expect any romance)... I also have verbal/emotional abuse in the mix which I used to just receive but sadly recently have started to dispense as well. I think it just gets uglier from here. I don't know what to tell you, other than I understand the pain of what you are going through and wish you the best in coming to terms with it. But don't beat yourself up and blame yourself...I don't know what has transpired in your marriage...but try to look at it as honestly as you can. Of course you should own the things that are yours, but no more. No matter what you might have done wrong, your wife's sudden pronouncement after 30 years seems cruel.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I don't even know you and I'm sorry. You have no reason to beat yourself up, though - you can't control how someone else feels. But I do agree with the other posters - get one hell of a lawyer. There is NO option to not get one. Don't think you don't need one. GET ONE. You may feel at this point like you don't really care - but trust me - you will on down the road when you realize you got screwed.
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks for the input everyone. She apologized and said she didn't mean it. Maybe it was because we were apart and she decided to still go even though my leg was killing me with the sciatica. You know how when people are apart, when they finally get back together, they can fight because they haven't communicated in so long. I don't know? Maybe I just have my cranky panties on because of my back and leg. It makes you feel needy. I hate that feeling. We officially become empty nesters in may. I will monitor the situation. And if I feel the same way, I will tackle it then. I can't live like roommates.
Squirtal Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Oh Hunk...what a mare for you. I do hope you have told her how hurtful she has been. Noone has the right to say those things to each other. I really hope you can work through all this, and I hope she actually makes those harsh words and actions up to you. I really hope you can work through this. xx
Heroic Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hunk, Don't let an appology gloss this over. After you're back on your feet, get her to a doctor and get her bloodwork looked at. If it's chemical it can be fixed. I wish you the best. Get well soon and be prepared to fight for your marriage.
boldjack Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Hunk, of course she ment it, at the time. She wouldn't have brought it up if it were not so. Keep your eyes open, and don't believe what she says, just because she says it, or because you want to.Make her prove it.
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