redmelon Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I have been dating someone for almost 2 years, engaged for 4 months. He has been living with me for well over a year. He was adopted and raised in a neglectful environment, and is just now beginning to realize the impact all of his past relationships have on the now. We started going to a premarital counselor with the intention of strengthening communication and navigating all the issues that arise from his childhood through his own personal therapy. Through our relationship he has stopped drinking and doing any sort of drugs, been diagnosed with sleep apnea, been diagnosed with dysthymia and started taking meds, and started going weekly to a therapist. None of this work ended up benefitting our relationship as he ended it on a whim in our last couples session, in front of the doctor. He said later he felt backed in a corner by what I said to the doctor and lashed out impulsively. We had recently gone on a trip, and he had felt sucked in by the environment and all of the drugs. He bought Vicodin and Xanax in Mexico, and drifted even farther from me on the trip. I was basically alone on a cruise ship for 4 days, and when I tried to talk to him about what was happening, he treated me like I was the biggest downer on Earth. We had discussed how the trip would be, that we would have a few drinks if we wanted to, that it was just supposed to be relaxing and fun, but not throwing all of our morals out the window, either. He couldn't adhere to that, it seems. In our therapy session, I brought up the pills, his behavior and bascially said I was at the end of my rope with this sort of thing. I didn't have intentions of leaving the relationship, I just wanted an explanation and some answers as to what the hell was going on in his head to put himself, and our relationship at risk like that. His sleep apnea is serious and taking drugs like that could seriously impact him, or even kill him as they reduce respiratory function. I found myself in a situation where I was more concerned for his well being and health than he was, and I was shocked over that, as he had done so much work to rectify these problems. So, he ended it. He came to my house and got his essentials and his dog and while he was there, I could see the regret on his face. This was a snap decision he made to lash out at me, but wasn't what he truly wanted when the anger wore off. But this is my life, my pending marriage, my entire world, and he had set it all in motion. I told him that he had done this to me before and that I was done with been treated this way. I said, when you start feeling regret and want to come back, please know that I am done. It's been 3+ weeks, and most of that time has involved no contact. He did come over to get his mail and the rest of his stuff last weekend, and it was very emotional. We both cried, he said he doesn't know what is wrong with him, and he is so sorry and this isn't what he wanted. I just can't go back after all he's put me through. He changes from one day to the next, one day he is desperately sorry, and the next he is pointing the finger at me, saying it's my fault. I am so lost. He was my world, and I truly thought he had addressed these issues in his therapy. I have a ring that I don't know what to do with. It is the ring I designed and planned to pass down to my children, it holds such a great significance to me, not in a material way. He hasn't asked for it back, but I don't know what to do. I am alone in a house that I have changed to make a home for our little family. I have so many memories that are haunting me every minute of every day. I miss him terribly. I can't imagine loving someone more than I love him. My family is so devastated for me. Everyone is shocked and hurt by this. I sent him an email on Friday - it was something I needed to do to set a few things straight. It was a bit harsh, but it was also giving him credit where it was due. I haven't heard anything, but there really isn't much to say, I guess. Not sure what to do with myself, any thoughts are more than welcome...
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ONE: Send him the ring back. It's his. The marriage hasn't taken place, and if push came to shove, he could obligate you to return it, so do so. TWO: Until he steps up to the plate, takes full responsibility for his actions and responses to external circumstances, don't set a foot near him. This apportioning of blame, and accusation, is a classic defence mechanism from someone who is not only, NOT over everything in his past, but someone who refuses to see that they are the owner of these things. I hate to break it to you, but you can't fix him, and you can't make him commit to fixing himself. He's got to do it for himself, by himself. Pre-marital counselling was a terrible idea, because he's not in a fit state to be in a relationship, let alone get married. You're right to close this off. Sad. Tragic even. But right.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I have been dating someone for almost 2 years, engaged for 4 months. He has been living with me for well over a year. He was adopted and raised in a neglectful environment, and is just now beginning to realize the impact all of his past relationships have on the now. We started going to a premarital counselor with the intention of strengthening communication and navigating all the issues that arise from his childhood through his own personal therapy. Through our relationship he has stopped drinking and doing any sort of drugs, been diagnosed with sleep apnea, been diagnosed with dysthymia and started taking meds, and started going weekly to a therapist. None of this work ended up benefitting our relationship as he ended it on a whim in our last couples session, in front of the doctor. He said later he felt backed in a corner by what I said to the doctor and lashed out impulsively. We had recently gone on a trip, and he had felt sucked in by the environment and all of the drugs. He bought Vicodin and Xanax in Mexico, and drifted even farther from me on the trip. I was basically alone on a cruise ship for 4 days, and when I tried to talk to him about what was happening, he treated me like I was the biggest downer on Earth. We had discussed how the trip would be, that we would have a few drinks if we wanted to, that it was just supposed to be relaxing and fun, but not throwing all of our morals out the window, either. He couldn't adhere to that, it seems. In our therapy session, I brought up the pills, his behavior and bascially said I was at the end of my rope with this sort of thing. I didn't have intentions of leaving the relationship, I just wanted an explanation and some answers as to what the hell was going on in his head to put himself, and our relationship at risk like that. His sleep apnea is serious and taking drugs like that could seriously impact him, or even kill him as they reduce respiratory function. I found myself in a situation where I was more concerned for his well being and health than he was, and I was shocked over that, as he had done so much work to rectify these problems. So, he ended it. He came to my house and got his essentials and his dog and while he was there, I could see the regret on his face. This was a snap decision he made to lash out at me, but wasn't what he truly wanted when the anger wore off. But this is my life, my pending marriage, my entire world, and he had set it all in motion. I told him that he had done this to me before and that I was done with been treated this way. I said, when you start feeling regret and want to come back, please know that I am done. It's been 3+ weeks, and most of that time has involved no contact. He did come over to get his mail and the rest of his stuff last weekend, and it was very emotional. We both cried, he said he doesn't know what is wrong with him, and he is so sorry and this isn't what he wanted. I just can't go back after all he's put me through. He changes from one day to the next, one day he is desperately sorry, and the next he is pointing the finger at me, saying it's my fault. I am so lost. He was my world, and I truly thought he had addressed these issues in his therapy. I have a ring that I don't know what to do with. It is the ring I designed and planned to pass down to my children, it holds such a great significance to me, not in a material way. He hasn't asked for it back, but I don't know what to do. I am alone in a house that I have changed to make a home for our little family. I have so many memories that are haunting me every minute of every day. I miss him terribly. I can't imagine loving someone more than I love him. My family is so devastated for me. Everyone is shocked and hurt by this. I sent him an email on Friday - it was something I needed to do to set a few things straight. It was a bit harsh, but it was also giving him credit where it was due. I haven't heard anything, but there really isn't much to say, I guess. Not sure what to do with myself, any thoughts are more than welcome... First I disagree with the poster who said give back the ring. The ring is yours. Keep it. Rings are given as a gift. I wear my engagement ring on my other hand. It is special to me because it is one we picked out, it was a rare design and we had a special cut diamond put in it. My X would never ask for it back. We don't ask for other jewellery or accessories back so I don't know who started this supposed rule that engagement rings go back. When people divorce, as myself you don't give back your engagement or wedding bands either. Some of my friends in the past have had their engagement/wedding bands made into new rings with the diamonds. If you like the ring so much wear it on the other hand. I presently wear the first ring he gave me with diamonds and my ruby on my wedding finger because I like it as well. Second. You need to spend some time on your own. He needs to continue therapy. Therapy is a very long haul, it can take years and years. Now not to say you guys can't be together at some point, but he needs to learn to deal with his anger. Is he taking anger management courses? He has to learn to let you say what you feel during your therapy together without going all off...that is the point of it. If he wants to commit to you it has to be all or nothing. It is not fair to you for him to go off one day than be sorry the next. That is very unsettling and really not a committed relationship. You will constantly be wondering when he is going to go off, and you will never have any trust.
Author redmelon Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I am appreciative of seeing both sides of the ring debate. Bottom line is, if he asks me for it back, I will give it to him, but I think that burden should be his to ask. I have done so much to be reasonable, forward his mail to him, allow him to come back into my home to retrieve the things he left behind in his haste, stop his newspaper, get the deposit back from the wedding venue, remove his name from memberships, etc. I think he should have to do SOMETHING HARD, and that's just the thing. I know what the law says, and it's just a situational thing in my state. It depends on the details, who gets the ring. It's not my style to take it that far, and I wouldn't. I will be shocked if he asked for it back, and it would break my heart if he planned to have it destroyed for its parts. I guess right now, I just see it sitting in a box somewhere, I would never sell it. I seem to have a problem with feeling great empathy for this person and their struggle, and forgetting how terribly I am being treated. I agree that marriage should never have been on the table, but the fact is, I just didn't know I was still dealing with this sort of potential for disaster. I thought it had all been addressed in his therapy. Things were going so well before the trip, and I was truly blindsided by all of it. Any suggestions on what I should do with myself? It's really hard to not contact him, but I honestly don't have anything to say, if that makes sense. I lost him, and a little dog that I had grown to love. MY house and my life are empty now, and I don't know what to do. It seems all my friends are attached, and I even have to be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding this spring. Looking ahead doesn't look so good. Sometimes I think I just can't do it, I can't push ahead. I also can't believe that he is able to go so long without talking to me, that is unusual. I just can't get my head around it all...
cabarc1 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I have to disagree that the ring is a "gift". It's not a gift, it's a symbol of the agreement to get married. Yeah you don't have to give all jewelry back but the ring is something totally different, if you are so sad i wouldn't want to keep it, it's just gonna hurt anytime you look at it. I called my wedding off and my ex bf came to get the ring, i didn't have any problem giving it back because i called it off. Now if the guy calls it off, i know of a lot of girls keeping the ring and i can't say i blame the girls for that.
Author redmelon Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I didn't call it off, I didn't set this into motion. My reasoning behind wanting to keep it (and my mother is holding it for me, I don't want to look at it right now) is that I designed it and it was a one of a kind ring made just for me, and I hate to think of it being sold to someone else, or destroyed for its parts.
Author redmelon Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 lonelygurl: I suggested anger management courses when I spoke to him. He said that his therapist said that's not what he needs. i said, well what do you need then? He angrily said "did you think it'd all get figured out in one day?" So that's where I;m at with that. But yes, I thought of the same thing you did, and it made perfect sense to me that would be very helpful in this situation. He doesn't know how to process anger and conflict, and when it builds up, he destroys what's good and runs away, then regrets and tries to come back. It's a mess...
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I am appreciative of seeing both sides of the ring debate. Bottom line is, if he asks me for it back, I will give it to him, but I think that burden should be his to ask. I have done so much to be reasonable, forward his mail to him, allow him to come back into my home to retrieve the things he left behind in his haste, stop his newspaper, get the deposit back from the wedding venue, remove his name from memberships, etc. I think he should have to do SOMETHING HARD, and that's just the thing. I know what the law says, and it's just a situational thing in my state. It depends on the details, who gets the ring. It's not my style to take it that far, and I wouldn't. I will be shocked if he asked for it back, and it would break my heart if he planned to have it destroyed for its parts. I guess right now, I just see it sitting in a box somewhere, I would never sell it. I seem to have a problem with feeling great empathy for this person and their struggle, and forgetting how terribly I am being treated. I agree that marriage should never have been on the table, but the fact is, I just didn't know I was still dealing with this sort of potential for disaster. I thought it had all been addressed in his therapy. Things were going so well before the trip, and I was truly blindsided by all of it. Any suggestions on what I should do with myself? It's really hard to not contact him, but I honestly don't have anything to say, if that makes sense. I lost him, and a little dog that I had grown to love. MY house and my life are empty now, and I don't know what to do. It seems all my friends are attached, and I even have to be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding this spring. Looking ahead doesn't look so good. Sometimes I think I just can't do it, I can't push ahead. I also can't believe that he is able to go so long without talking to me, that is unusual. I just can't get my head around it all... That sounds fair! We had this discussion a week or so ago. I live in Ontario and I know a woman posted who works for a lawyer said many places there are no laws in regards to engagement rings because it is a gift. But a guy did post I guess in some states there is laws, but some had no laws for it. We don't have that here. Canada's laws are much different than the States. Gifts are not a returnable item here. But for you that is fair if he asks for it back and you are willing. I guess it all depends on each individual situation and how each chooses to deal with it. Sounds like you have done a lot of leg work which is all very emotionally draining work for you. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you. I understand how lost and empty you feel. This is normal with a break up. You are grieving. I am in the same situation. Although I was only common in law this time. I left my first husband many years ago, and my now X and I were engaged but planned to marry several years down the road. I would really recommend reading about grieving and the grieving process and doing whatever you can or cannot do to help you through it. I have found this website helpful with plenty of links, there are also books you can borrow or buy http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I have to disagree that the ring is a "gift". It's not a gift, it's a symbol of the agreement to get married. Yeah you don't have to give all jewelry back but the ring is something totally different, if you are so sad i wouldn't want to keep it, it's just gonna hurt anytime you look at it. I called my wedding off and my ex bf came to get the ring, i didn't have any problem giving it back because i called it off. Now if the guy calls it off, i know of a lot of girls keeping the ring and i can't say i blame the girls for that. we had this discussion a week or so ago and someone who works with a lawyer actually posted that in many states and in Canada it is a gift and would not be forced to be returned. I guy in the States also looked it up and posted some of the "rules" around it, and some said it had to be returned and some said not. If I could remember the post I would try and find it to link it to this post. It depends on where you live and the laws. Where I live it is a gift.....and it is a gift. It is a gift given to a woman and sometimes a man....yes with the "promise" of marriage....not a contract. It does not become a contract until you are married and signed the marriage license.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 lonelygurl: I suggested anger management courses when I spoke to him. He said that his therapist said that's not what he needs. i said, well what do you need then? He angrily said "did you think it'd all get figured out in one day?" So that's where I;m at with that. But yes, I thought of the same thing you did, and it made perfect sense to me that would be very helpful in this situation. He doesn't know how to process anger and conflict, and when it builds up, he destroys what's good and runs away, then regrets and tries to come back. It's a mess... THen he needs to tell his therapist again that he needs anger management. If his therapist isn't going to allow him to be active in his therapy than I suggest a new therapist. I had a pdoc for over nine months who allowed me to be very active in my care, and he has recently switched me to a new pdoc (anxiety specialist) who isn't as open as my first, but is still willing to listen, explain and allow me some say in my care.
msjules Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I think he did you a big favor by ending the relationship. He is way too unstable emotionally for a relationship right now and perhaps will be for a long time. You deserve to be treated better than this and imagine how he would have treated your children. Let go of this troubled man and find someone who is emotionally healthy and who will treat you well. Good luck.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 breaking nc to get back engagement ring posts if interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t178204/
Author redmelon Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 msjules: I love what you said. I think you are right on a rational level, unfortunately, it feels much more complicated than that. How do I "let go" of this person that I envisioned my life with, shared my home and heart with? It all fell apart so very quickly, I feel like I have whiplash. He isn't saying he doesn't love me, on the contrary. It's so very hard to walk away from someone who loves me like he does. Aside from these situations, he is the sweetest, most generous, considerate and loving person. It's like torture to not have him in my daily life. I feel like part of me is dying, and it's horrible not to have him be a part of my future. I know his struggle isn't even about me, but why do I have to suffer this loss because of it? It doesn't seem right.
msjules Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I know, red, I know. My ex can be the sweetest man in the world. But he can also be the biggest @$$hole too. I saw Mr. Sweet for five years and then when he got laid off 4 1/2 months ago I started seeing Mr. @$$hole. He dumped me like yesterday's trash when he got laid off with absolutely no warning. I don't even think he thought about it until he did it. Four and a half months and he has not asked to see me once, though he says he misses me and says he would love to have lunch with me though he is afraid we would end up at his place and in bed if we were to meet. (not in this lifetime @$$hole). It doesn't seem right for either of us, you and me, but it is what IS. We can whine and cry and wring our hands all we want but it isn't going to change a thing. I found a place that I think might help you. It is helping me a LOT. http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/ I think I learned about it here at LS but I am not sure. Again, good luck. I hope I am not being too harsh. You will learn to love again, hopefully next time with a man who is not so troubled. And hopefully I will too.
Author redmelon Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 msjules: thank you for your words. I am going to check the link you sent now. I appreciate it so much. I hope we both stay moving in a positive direction. I hope to hear more about your progress and wish you the best.
Author redmelon Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Back on track, ready to challenge myself to NC. Had the opportunity to spend V-Day with him, but I changed my mind. I think I'd rather be alone. He is still trying to point the finger at me to justify his behaviors and subsequent impulsive move in breaking up with me (he admits this was a huge mistake). I am just telling myself that when you point the finger at someone else, 3 fingers are pointing back at you. I can't control what he thinks, but I know the truth of what has happened. I think it's time for me to pull myself out of this hole and push ahead. I think I am starting to see that even though I still love him, this relationship was troubled, and I really do deserve better. Wish me luck in keeping this mindset!!
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Wow. If I could ship trruckloads your way you'd be piled undwer by now. Good mindset, extremely good. You see what I meant about the "apportioning of blame", now.....
Author redmelon Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Thank you! I do see what you meant, I just had to get to the point where I could pay attention to the facts of this situation, and not just the longing and hurt. It's a hard road of NC ahead, but I feel a lot better about where things are heading. How did I get here? Really listening to what he was saying, and realizing that he has absolutely no idea what he's done, or what he's lost, or what this behavior says about him as a person. He's shown a lack of respect, compassion and character through all of this craziness. He is an emotional cripple, truly incapable of being intimate, communicating effectively or making change for himself. It's all very sad, but there is a sense of relief in not having to be a part of his struggle and shoulder that burden anymore.
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