Geraltt Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Brand new poster here, looking for some independent advice. I'll try to make this as concise as possible. I'm a single (well, divorced for 8 years) man, 43 years old, successful, gentle, strong, etc etc. No kids. I've been involved for about 10 months with a very fine single mum. She's 40, has 2 kids under 10. I get along great with her kids. We don't live together but, given the nature of where are houses are, see each other pretty much every day. Three weeks ago an ex of hers committed suicide. She hadn't seen the fellow in about a decade so the suicide had nothing to do with her breaking up with him, he just had all sorts of money and addiction issues that finally became too much to bear. Since then, she's been obsessing about him. Gazing at old pictures, crying over his loss, fawning over his memory, he's all she thinks about. Bear in mind that she hadn't seen him or made any indication that she wanted to see him for about 10 years. And it was she that broke up with him all those years ago. I get the fact that she needs time and space to grieve and I'm here to support her. but she's starting to become cold and withdrawn. When I go to hold her, she pushes me away. When I tell her I'm here to listen and support her, she clams up. But when I stay quiet she barks at me and says things like, "You just don't care!" And, of course, sex is completely off the table. All people need to grieve in their own way and in their own time, but I get the sense that I'm now in competition with a ghost, and that no matter who I am or what I do or whatever, I can never match the warm memories - mostly manufactured out of grief - of her ex that's now gone. Not sure what to do here, and looking for some input.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 cease all contact for the time being. She needs to be thankful for the live people who love her and not the dead ones that can't
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, I agree with HHBL.... Tell her that you understand she needs a period to grieve, ao you're going to give her the space she needs. Ask her to get in touch when she's ready to let you in again. Say goodbye. And close it off. harsh. But it might bring it home to her that she's better off missing the current (and very much alive) love of her life, than the long-past (dead) and gone one. One is very much easier to revive than the other. You might like to tell her that.
Author Geraltt Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 cease all contact for the time being. She needs to be thankful for the live people who love her and not the dead ones that can't I get your point and think I understand where you're coming from. However, there are three things wrong with that: We live close to each other and, like I said, see each other nearly every day because of that. Simply turning away when she comes into sight is, well, not a very gentlemanly thing to do, is it?Ignoring her would also mean ignoring the kids which would hurt them. I'm not prepared to do that.It seems an awful lot like punishment. Turning my back on her when she's hurting isn't my style, nor is it indicative of what a good man would do. Without trying to sound too self-important or pretentious here, I'm a good man. I will not turn my back on a friend in need. She's a friend in need. Alternatives?
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 She's only a friend in need if she accepts the help. You're the one complaining you're in competition with a ghost. An unseen adversary is always going to be more dangerous because confrontation is impossible. You're going to have to corner her, put her back up against the wall and confront HER with this. If she really refuses to see it, or protests - you're on a loser. Then you can revert to 'Plan B'. (see my first post.)
MindoverMatter Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I would detach completely. I would, however, tell her you're backing off. Let her grieve, and let her know you're there for her, but that you don't know how to comfort her. Tell her to call you anytime she wants and give her space.
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I wonder, even though she hasn't seen him for so long, if there wasn't more too their relationship. Did they go through something big together? Maybe it was hard watching him slip away with the addiction, and she blames herself because she left him?
Rebellious Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Speaking from experience, she's just grieving. A dead man is no thread to you, he can't give her love, affection or sex. Give her some time.
Author Geraltt Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 So the sense I'm getting is just to abandon her and her kids while she sorts this out on her own. I find that oddly cold. Perhaps there was that bit in the original post that got missed:But when I stay quiet she barks at me and says things like, "You just don't care!"So it's already been established that if I leave her be, her mind automatically reverts to the worst possible scenario (not surprising... women tend to do that). Turning my back on her at this point, even with an explanation, is likely to also lead her to believe the worst possible scenario: either that I really don't care, or that I'm not that interested that I couldn't manage a minor rocky bit. And, as mentioned, this would also make the kids suffer. They are completely innocent in this, so why they should pay a price - ANY price on this - is lost on me. dreamergrl: They were married, she left him. Don't know any more details other than that. Look, I'm not looking for a particular bit of advice that goes along with what I already think should happen - I really don't know what to do about this - but I can't see that abandoning her and her kids at this time could possibly be the best alternative.
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Give her a break... tell her that you will not see her for the time she needs to grieve.. It's a bit overboard.. methink she's a bit of a drama queen.. and takes some drama of this situation to draw attention to her past with this guy..
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Put it this way - what you're doing now, isn't working, is it? So you need an alternative that is going to be drastic enough to let her know that her actions are threatening your relationship. Because they are. She's contradictory and defensive and is shutting you out. Occasionally, you have to fight fire with fire, because anything else just doesn't cut it.
sumdude Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 dreamergrl: They were married, she left him. Don't know any more details other than that. Obviously they were married and had a deep relationship at one time. Stages of grief include anger, guilt, depression etc.. it's a shame she's taking it out on you. Somehow you should approach her with it.. understand that she's grieving but you do not like having her take it out on you. You much couch it all in how YOU feel and think about it.. do not talk about what she's doing but more how you perceive and feel about it. You want to be supportive but you won't be her emotional punching bag. Ask her what she wants from you in this situation.. space? Time? Just listen?
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 dreamergrl: They were married, she left him. Don't know any more details other than that. Did her kids come from him? If they were married, then obviously at one point they shared a great bond. Regardless of how it ended, something very special had to be there at one point. She needs some time to grieve. Deep down she knows you care, but she just lost a man that played a big role in her life. This can be truly hard. I'm sure she is racked with so many different emotions it's hard to deal with.
Author Geraltt Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Did her kids come from him? No, suicide-guy and her were married but didn't have any kids. Her kids were from a later marriage (also defunct). Would like to carry this on in PM but can't... ???
dreamergrl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Let me tell you a little story. There was the woman who had 3 brothers. They all came from a very abusive family. Eventually she grew away from her brothers after the abusive parents died, because they only reminded her of the pain. Two of them went on in life acting like they never got beat on a normal basis, pretending they grew up wonderfully. The third brother eventually got back in touch with the woman, but only a short time before his death. He didn't lead such a great life, but was always close to the woman. He visited her, and her daughter (his niece). One day, many years ago, on Valentine's Day he was in a chase with the police. They ran him into a tree and he died. The woman was guilt ridden with so many emotions about it, because she had once abandoned her brother, and felt she should have been a better sister, and made a difference. Maybe change his path. She didn't know how to deal with her other brothers, and still doesn't. The emotions are always different about them. It was a very hard death for her to overcome. Grief comes in all different sizes, and I watched this woman (my mom) deal with it. It's not the same exact thing, but I can see some similarities. Even though one is not a part of another person's life, there's still bonds.
Author Geraltt Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 OK, I probably won't see her today due to our schedules. Next time I see her, probably tomorrow or the following day, I'll let her know that I'll be around for support but will otherwise leave her alone to manage things by herself. But I'll also let her know that I'll be available to hang out with her kids if she wants some time without them. That way, she gets time to heal away from the kids and I still get to maintain my relationship with them (they're both under 10).
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You don't have to disappear out of her life, but you need to just let her be in the sense of asking how she is, does she need anything. Focus on helping out with her kids. Offer to take them to your house so she can be alone, go grocery shopping and/or cook a meal for her so she can have something to eat when she feels up to it. Whatever her reasons are for feeling that loss, it's hers to feel. Maybe he meant more to her than she's ever let on..I don't know.. But this isn't about you and your relationship, even though she's pushed you away right now.
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Would like to carry this on in PM but can't... ??? Your PM facility isn't activated because you're new. I think it's either a pre-requisite amount of posts, or period of time, has to elapse before it kicks in.....
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