want.it Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My wife has shut down. Says she doesn't care anymore. Is resentful of me for neglecting want she wanted/needed for years and now for the past year does absolutely not respond when i try to to make things right. Says she doesn't even know if she loves me anymore, I don't believe this . Does anyone have any advice how to reach her how to get her to open back up to me. She says that my hobbies are more important to me than her.
Woggle Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Do you have any kids? If not then kick her to the curb and don't look back. If you do have kids I honest to god don't know what to tell what to tell men who have kids with somebody all of a sudden hates their guts. You can't kick her to the curb and you have to deal with her.
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, find out who she's having an affair with, and bring it out in the open. When a woman doesn't love you any more, 9 times out of 10, it's because her affections have been pulled - or are more appreciated - elsewhere.
Author want.it Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Yes we have a daughter. Its not been sudden actually been a gradual thing ,thats why it got so far before I relized how bad it was( ya know the old add age you don't know what you have till its gone).I was not the best of husbands for a long time and by the time I realized it it may be to late to fix. I hope its not hence the asking for help. I don't think shes having an affair cause if she was I think she would just come out and say it . She does n't say she hates me just that she does n't care anymore and not sure if she loves me. She really resents the fact that for the years she tried warn me that it would happen that I didnt do anything and now about a year ago I started to try after she shut down just makes her mad.
Woggle Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Just cut her off and treat her like a roomate. I would also get a lawyer and start preparing for divorce because you will have to fight for your right to be a father. Grow a backbone and you might just turn things around Also don't blame yourself. You have the right to have hobbies and it is not your fault for failing to be a magical mind reader.
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My wife has shut down. Says she doesn't care anymore. Is resentful of me for neglecting want she wanted/needed for years and now for the past year does absolutely not respond when i try to to make things right. Says she doesn't even know if she loves me anymore, I don't believe this . Does anyone have any advice how to reach her how to get her to open back up to me. She says that my hobbies are more important to me than her. and.... you're surprised? I'm not.. she warned you for years.. but yet you didn't listened to her.. now after only ONE year.. .you want her to do cart wheels because you're FINALLY trying.. I don't think so.. Methink it could be too late.. sorry dude.. lesson learned.. next time.. listen to what your partner is telling you.. do not ignore her for YEARS...
Author want.it Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 look people I'm looking for help not "get a lawyer" or "what do you expects" I know I was wrong looking to fix it not give up on it . Don't want her to do cartwheels yet(if I'm lucky that will come later) just maybe turn off the chill a little
mark982 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 well, she did say your hobbies are more important to you than her.that might be a good first step.
Walk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Here are things I wish my exH had done when he FINALLY decided he actually wanted to save the marriage (after I'd told him for YEARS that he was killing our marriage).. 1.) Be supportive toward things she wants to try, or learn, or just experience. I.e: I used to love running. Instead of my exh encouraging me to do what I loved to do, to show me he wanted me to be happy, he would mope around, criticize, make fun of me for doing something he didn't want to do. 2.) Show her you understand her. Actually talk to her like a friend rather then a hurt little boy. Ask her to explain how she feels without butting in to "explain your reasons" to her. Ask her follow up questions. Place yourself in her shoes and try to understand how she feels and what's she thinking. And do NOT do this to win her back. Do this because you love her and you want to understand her. 3.) Encourage her to find her own interests and hobbies. Encourage her to spend time with friends and family. 4.) Set clear boundaries. It's okay for her to be hurt, to not know what she wants, to be mad, to feel angry... but do not let her disrespect you. If you'll take anything she dishes out in the vain hope she'll decide to stay with her, then she'll lose all respect for you and leave. 5.) Find a hobby both of you can enjoy together. Something that costs next to nothing (like bike riding, or walking) and ask her if she'll spend 1 hour a week with you doing that. See if you can enjoy each others company without bringing up and rehashing all the past wrongs and hurt feelings. Try to capture an hour where both of you can just enjoy time in each others company again. Preferrable something where talking is strictly optional. 6.) Give her plenty of time, space, and encouragement. I'm talking years rather then months. It took years to get to where you're at, it'll take several to get you back on solid ground again. Either commit to putting in a sustained effort or throw in the towel. Don't talk about how you'll change. Just do it. Your actions will speak far louder then all the worthless dribble that comes out of your mouth. That's what I wish my exH had done. Instead... he was big on talking about changing while making it clear that he expected us to go right back to life as usual immediately after proclaiming how he would be different! Two weeks go by and he was frustrated that everything wasn't honky dory already. That really inspired me with confidence in his desire to change. All it showed me is his words meant less then nothing. It was all talk, no substance. Don't be like my ex or your wife will cut you loose for good.
TOWinNYC Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My wife has shut down. Says she doesn't care anymore. Is resentful of me for neglecting want she wanted/needed for years and now for the past year does absolutely not respond when i try to to make things right. Says she doesn't even know if she loves me anymore, I don't believe this . Does anyone have any advice how to reach her how to get her to open back up to me. She says that my hobbies are more important to me than her. I think she's angry and that the anger has burned away her emotions. Sometimes it's easier to "not care" then to drive yourself crazy with the "whys". The shutdown is not necessarily a product of an A. I think you should tell her. Tell her you're sorry that you've neglected her, sorry that you didn't realize her needs and wants. Tell her you don't believe that she doesn't love you anymore - and that you've gotten a wake up call and your eyes are open (and once again, you're Sorry - repetitive it may be, she may need to hear it), you REALLY want to try to get the spark back and the M back on track. Tell her you think the M is worth saving, that she's The One for you and make an appoint for some marriage counseling. That's what I'd want my H to say to me - and if there was even a SHRED of love left, I'd jump at the MC. And I don't mean just toss this out ONCE and see how she reacts. Make a concerted effort to talk about this every couple of days. Gauge her reactions. Unfortunately, if she's really not willing to even meet you a fraction of the way, you better have a Plan B in your head. Good luck!
Chat Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy!! 1) A child is not a reason to stay together - having a damaging relationship emotionally will screw the kids views on relationships up 2) She has to want it to work - and I think that she still does or she wouldnt be complaining that your hobbies are more important than her - she would be indifferent, she wouldnt care if your hobbies were more important or not - and she is still there - so see opening statement - therapy is the only option now - you have lost credablity - seek a common ground to work out issues, and if the marriage ends - at least it is done as ambical as possible in a neutral environment with support for both of you.
MotherGooze Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Apperently she has told you for so long she was unhappy and now she has distanced herself from you. It'll be hard work to change that. Try to show more affection, try to do special things for her and be there for her. She said your hobby is more important then her, show her that it's not. If you still love her, work and talk into getting it back on track. She hasn't left you, so in her heart she must still care, I think she's just scared of being dissapointed like she was the passed few years.
Author want.it Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Well I'm trying to do things to show I appreciate her, however, she views it (understandably so) as me just trying to kiss her ass. How do I show that I'm sincere? Will continuing to do so after time make her come to the realization I've had my wakeup call? Or is there something that I can do what do you think. Yes I think she still loves me, however; we are both tired of the way things have been for the last while. And this is the first time she has taken off her rings ,she left them on the headboard since last Wednesday night. I took them and put them in my drawer . Should I put them back where they to see if see puts them back on or do I wait till she asks about them? We have been getting along very well the last several days since I apologized and been making a point to try and talk for at least 15 min. each nite before we go to sleep.
mark982 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 it will take time for her to see that you're not just kissing her azz(as u put it).stay consistant with the new you.i'd leave the rings in your drawer, just to see how long b/4 she notices.
lostsoulmate Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well I'm trying to do things to show I appreciate her, however, she views it (understandably so) as me just trying to kiss her ass. How do I show that I'm sincere? Will continuing to do so after time make her come to the realization I've had my wakeup call? Or is there something that I can do what do you think... We have been getting along very well the last several days since I apologized and been making a point to try and talk for at least 15 min. each nite before we go to sleep. It is not so much about what you say it is about what you do. Your wife may be past the point of no return. If so, Let her go... tell her you want to give her whatever she needs to love/find herself again. Because of the neglect (you even claim to doing) she may have lost herself, she may have lost her love of "self". Until she can find herself again, you may be attempting at too little too late. Sorry.
imagine Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Please read the free articles at the marriagebuilders.com site. Beware there is a lot of very useful stuff.
GreenEyedGirl28 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think that she's testing you... I believe that she's convinced at this point, that you don't care about her, because the signals that she's gotten for years have said as much. And when you're convinced that someone doesn't love you, it's difficult to love them back. I'm in the similar position with my husband that your wife was in many years ago...warning him that I don't feel like he truly cares for me and that I don't feel like I'm his priority. Telling him that one day, he'll wish he had listened to me... BUT, if he really made the effort and was able to consistently maintain that effort, I would feel differently. I've only been in my relationship for two years so I probably don't have as much resentment built up that your wife does, but I hope that it's the same for her... Perhaps she's just afraid to hope? It sounds like you have disappointed her so much in the past, she has trouble seeing you as the man that she put faith in when she married you... But I really feel like if she had truly given up, she would have moved on by now, and left you. I don't think she's cheating on you. Women in this position, including myself, fantasize about life with a man who will listen to them, make them feel like the most important person in the world, beautiful, loved and cherished-- we fantasize of our husband becoming that man. She didn't give up on you all of those years... Don't give up on her yet. Keep trying as long as you can. If you really still love her and want to be with her, it's the only thing to do. Good luck to you...
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Please hear me out. My opinion is this. You need to file for divorce. Present it to her like this. Tell her that you are not going to hold her if she sees no future. But if she doesn't, tell her that the cold war has ended. Either or. Choice is hers.
Author want.it Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 We have been getting along a lot better . She is not being cold and at times is starting to become affectionate again. I guess I just have to continue to show her how much I love her and spend time with her and not my hobbies. She says she thinks we are starting to connect again. And the feelings of resentment, while still there are not as strong.
Larry W Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 We have been getting along a lot better . She is not being cold and at times is starting to become affectionate again. I guess I just have to continue to show her how much I love her and spend time with her and not my hobbies. She says she thinks we are starting to connect again. And the feelings of resentment, while still there are not as strong. That's great news! Keep up the good work!
CAMAYPARK Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Hobbies? What sort of hobbies? Or is it that sort of hobbies whereby you aren't ever at home and as a result you lead almost a bachelor type lifestyle?
Recommended Posts