bearbear Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 i've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. when i met him he was married but since we've been together he HAS gotten divorced, only thing is: she is keeping his last name ans they have a three year old daughter. they were married for two years and he started dating me about three months after he was seperated, but like i said he's been divorced now for a while. the thing is, why would she want to keep his last name unloess she thought there could be a reconciliation in the future?? the fact they talk around every other day (excuse is to talk to his daughter) really bothers me. i don't know if i can trust him to stay with me and never go back to her, or even if he's somehow trying to turn me into her and make me a poor man's ______. most of our problems are in direct relation to my doubts in us... she cheated on him so many times.. and he says he just wants a girl who will be true to him. but how could he marry such an irresponsible person? how couyld he think that at 18 he was ready to have a baby? (he says his foremost reason to have a baby was that he thought he would die soon: he has a lot of medical problems), how could he be so ready to love me? i moved in with him and don't have many friends in my town, please i need advice a kid word something jus tletting me know wether or not im going crazy
quankanne Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 probably keeping the name because it's less of a legal hassle to keep it than change it, and the fact that their child has daddy's last name. my guess is that she may continue to use it even if she remarries simply so that her child will feel connected to her – that's what both my sisters did, kept their ex-husbands' names as their legal middle name so that the kids wouldn't feel uncomfortable with a whole name change.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My xW kept my last name and, believe me, we didn't have the smoothest divorce in the world. As quankanne said, she simply wanted to have the same last name as our son. I wouldn't read too much into it... Mr. Lucky
joybean72 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Simple...to have the same last name as their child. You need to figure out your OWN insecurities with him! Nuff said.
Island Girl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My mother kept my father's last name since their divorce 39 years ago. All of us (her children) have my father's last name and she didn't want the world to think we were bastards. But in any event - why would she not keep her married name? It is her right to do so. She is the one who was in the relationship and they DID marry. It is completely up to her if she wants to keep it or not and I don't understand why you care? What does that have to do with your relationship at all?
Meaplus3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Many woman who get divorced keep their married last name. I'm not sure why it would be an issue for you? As to them talking everyday? Well they share a child together. I talk to my xh on a reugular basis.. and that's because we are making decesions in the best intrest of our children. I think what matters the most here is if YOU can handle beign involved with a man that has a child. You should probably ask yourself if that's something you can handle. Best of luck. Mea:)
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Keeping the last name rarely has any emotional meaning. Some people keep it because reverting back to maiden is a legal hassle, and parents generally like to keep the same last name as their child. Get used to the frequent contact thing with his ex. He'd be a real bastard and a poor father if he didn't.
sadintexas Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Ditto what everyone else said. You're having some trust issues that you need to look into. Not just for this R, but any future R's you may have if this doesn't work out.
Mino Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Hi, alot of women keep their last names especially when there are children involved. let me ask you this " do you trust him"? The reason I ask is there IS a child involved and many parents, co parent these days. That means alot of contact with the ex. In order for you to stay in this type of R, you better be secure in your self and trust the man your with until he proves otherwise. Another thing I would ask you Is are you ready to be a great stepmom? If you love him you also need to like his child, its a package deal. For me personally if I were with someone and they didnt care about my child and whats best for my child, that would be a dealbreaker....So before you continue the r, ask yourself if you can handle the whole pachage deal, which does include the childs mother... and of coarse, he will also have less money to spend since he is I am assuming paying child support and maintance. Are you willing to chip in to create the life you want with him???
Enema Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 he says his foremost reason to have a baby was that he thought he would die soon: he has a lot of medical problems Well if that's not a good reason to have a baby, I don't know what is.
Geishawhelk Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 bearbear, you have to come to terms that his child will - and should - always have priority in his life. Over you. Which will mean his seeing his ex-wife quite a lot. If you don't think you can cope with this, do the man - and yourself - a favour, and quit now.
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Like most said.. to keep the name for her child.. simple. If you cannot deal with your insecurities, you need to move on.. he will always be 'united' to her.. because of the child.. He's been with you over a year and a half.. don't you think that if they wanted to be together, they would have done it before.. I should add.. maybe she knows you're part of his life.. and now she wants to 'break' you two.. who knows.. some women, after separation, will make it harder for their ex to be with someone.. they don't want them.. but they don't want to see them with anyone..
SierraRose Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am divorced 5 years and still have my exH last name. I have no desire in changing it for 2 reasons. 1-we have a son and I want to have the same last name, 2-I like my M name better than my maiden name! lol
justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I am divorced 2 years and I still have my married name like others have posted, because I want the same last name as my son. Even though my ex and I are no longer together, we will always be in each other's lives for the sake of our child. We see each other daily, but it doesn't mean that I want him or that he wants me. I think it is good for the child if the parents can maintain a civil relationship towards each other. My ex and I are better friends now then when we were married.
bluebayou Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 IMHO, i don't think the items you mentioned (re surname, child from a previous relationship and maintaining contact) are things to ring alarm bells. I would encourage that you seek to deal with the insecurities that you have in your own relationship with him though before it causes damage...
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