RYKR Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To be short, we've been together for 2.5 yrs and broken-up for over 2 months now. I've been doing strict NC since then. She's 29 and I'm 26 This is the second text (if it's considered contact) from her since we split. "Hi ****, how are you? Missed you at ****'s bday (dinner). Thought you would've been there ... what's going on? You want to talk?" Basically it was one of my buddy's birthday, but I couldn't make it and somehow she went. Anyways what do you guys think of this?
CaliGuy Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To be short, we've been together for 2.5 yrs and broken-up for over 2 months now. I've been doing strict NC since then. She's 29 and I'm 26 This is the second text (if it's considered contact) from her since we split. "Hi ****, how are you? Missed you at ****'s bday (dinner). Thought you would've been there ... what's going on? You want to talk?" Basically it was one of my buddy's birthday, but I couldn't make it and somehow she went. Anyways what do you guys think of this? She's fishing. Just making sure you are still on the hook if she wants something from you. Continue with NC and ignore her. Let her WONDER what you are up to instead of opening your mouth and removing any reason for her to reconsider her actions...
Author RYKR Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 That was my initial thought as well. I not replying back, a text means nothing to me.
CaliGuy Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 That was my initial thought as well. I not replying back, a text means nothing to me. It shouldn't. Words mean nothing to me anymore. Exs can text, email, IM etc to death. It still means nothing. Actions, not words. Now that means something. And until they act, anything they say is just tossing a line in the water seeking only to boost their own ego. None of that benefits you....
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Actions, not words. Now that means something. And until they act, Well, texting is an action, too! In this case, her NEXT action is limited by whether or not she gets the 'go ahead' to take that next action (whatver it may be.) But. RYKR, I agree not to respond to her. My first thought was that she has a case of over-inflated ego, and is thinking that you didn't show up at the party because you knew she was going to (or might) be there. AS IF you'd miss celebrating your buddy's b/day just cos of her!
Author RYKR Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 So what kind of actions are we looking at? Caliguy I know you have experienced all this bs that woman use, so I'll take your word on it. Your right Ronni, since you mentioned it, she does have a bit of over-inflated ego. I'll just stick to my guns, unless (I doubt it) she comes crawling back on her hands & kness.
aiina Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 So what kind of actions are we looking at? Caliguy I know you have experienced all this bs that woman use, so I'll take your word on it. Your right Ronni, since you mentioned it, she does have a bit of over-inflated ego. I'll just stick to my guns, unless (I doubt it) she comes crawling back on her hands & kness. Hello RYKR I agree with the previous comments. Maybe she thinks that you didn't go to your friend's bday because she was going and she feels guilty and now it's trying to be nice. Actions like the same you'll do if you were completely in love with someone and you've made a mistake. You mean showing up at their door and saying you are sorry, even when you know they might not take you back? well, so that's an action. Texting isn't. You seem to have it clear already best
Author RYKR Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Another reason is right after she said lets break up (over 2 months ago), I did something to hurt her REALLY bad (revenge). When I mean really bad, as I could have went to prison for it. I even got a threat call from her brother afterwards to stay away. So after what I did to her, I thought that she would never want anything to do with me, and hated me forever. I know for myself if someone hurt me really badly I would never think of contacting them. So I find it extremely odd that she has contacted me twice.
openbook08 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 maybe shes worried that youve started seeing someone else & was busy with her the night of your friends birthday?? mwa ha ha ha!! i agree, shes just fishing IGNORE her.
westrock Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 she comes crawling back on her hands & kness. I did something to hurt her REALLY bad (revenge). When I mean really bad, as I could have went to prison for it. You did something you could go to prison for as revenge? That doesn't sound good. Why should she come crawling back on "her hands & kness"? Shouldn't you be doing that? Maybe for her protection you should stay away from her. IDK. What do you want to happen here? If you have no interest in her anymore and you are looking to heal and move on with your life, then just delete the text and ignore and continue on with life. If that is not what you want, then IMO ignoring her message does not help your cause. I respect the advice of all the others above. I just want to throw out the opposite perspective for you to also consider. Sometimes I believe we expect people to come back with these grand gestures otherwise their actions supposedly mean nothing. Considering your revenge behavior, I think her text is a grand gesture on her part. But, in my experience, most people don't make grand gestures, instead they make a bunch of small gestures. Did you two have a final talk? If not, here is your chance to apologize for your revenge behavior. She is asking if you want to talk. Why not take the bull by the horns and reply back... "Yes., lets talk". Then talk to apologize, and get some clarity on the situation. Others may disagree, but that's just my 2-cents. Decide what works best for you.
Author RYKR Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Westrock, right after the incident I felt so much guilt so I wrote and mailed an apology letter to her regarding my bad behaviour. Three weeks later I bumped into her on the public transit train on my way to work (downtown Toronto), we did some small talk and she seemed fine about everything. I asked if she received and read the letter I sent her and she said yes. I told her that "since we have so much history, we shouldn't avoid each other" and she agreed. I have not seen her since. Whether she forgave and forget, I honesly do not know. It just strikes me odd that she is reaching out, after what I did to her. Like I said, I'm not replying back. IF she keeps on contacting me, then I'm just going to ask what are her real intentions.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 IF she keeps on contacting me, then I'm just going to ask what are her real intentions. Or you could save yourself the stress and time wondering and/or obsessing, and just ask her now? I agree with westrock -- if YOU feel that there is "unfinished business" of some kind, then it makes more sense to finish it so that you can move forward without dragging any crap with you. And also that waiting for "grand gestures" is kinda pointless and childish (not that you're doing that...just in general.) And also that her text may very well be a very significant (grand) gesture for her...even if nobody else views it that way. We don't know what level of forgiveness or courage is behind her action. If (trying to stay) 'no contact' is causing you to expend MORE mental energy on her than contacting her would, then n/c isn't doing its intended job for you, anyway.
CaliGuy Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 So what kind of actions are we looking at? Caliguy I know you have experienced all this bs that woman use, so I'll take your word on it. Honestly, after you mentioned that you did something that you could have gone to jail for as revenge, I'm apt to thinking that she may geniunely want to know that you are OK but doesn't want to rekindle anything. Seriously. If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they won't be texting. They'd be beating down your door. (Just ask Fox1234 -- sorry guy, your example was perfect).
westrock Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I told her that "since we have so much history, we shouldn't avoid each other" and she agreed. So why then are you avoiding her? She is not avoiding you. Whether she forgave and forget, I honesly do not know. It just strikes me odd that she is reaching out, after what I did to her. I think the above quote describes the key issue for you. You have no idea if she has forgiven you. It sounds like you still feel guilty and believe it's too early for her to forgive you and as such her reaching out doesn't make sense to you at this time. IF she keeps on contacting me, then I'm just going to ask what are her real intentions. Writing the apology letter was the right thing to do and I highly commend you for writing it, but what are your real intentions with this "IF" wanting to wait until she contacts you over and over? I think you want her to come crawling back on hands and knees pleading that she has forgiven you so you can relieve your guilt. I don't know the reasons for your breakup, but IMO you have it backwards, you're the one who needs to reach out more crawling back on hands and knees asking for forgiveness. If she had come on here asking for advice after your apology letter, most would have advised her to ignore your letter and go NC on you until YOU came back crawling on hands and knees to truly express your regret beyond just a written letter and, adapting the words of CaliGuy, you'd be beating down on her door. I hope you see the double standard you are imposing here. I don't know her intentions, but I think it's too much to expect her to be beating down on your door beyond a text message. RonniW is right... save yourself the stress and time wondering and/or obsessing and just ask her now.
Author RYKR Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Westrock - I was planning to marry her this year (she knew it and wanted to as well). She wanted a break at first, I did the whole begging thing. She came back for 2 weeks, then said wanted another break, begged again and finally ended it. She broke up with me due to communication problems on my part and lost of attraction. Shouldn't she be avoiding me after what happened? Don't you guys find it weird? I don't know her true intentions, which is driving my own curiousity. I'm not replying back because I got this far in healing that I don't want to disappoint myself. I got to a point where I could careless if she came back or not. Star gazer - I wish not to disclose more information regarding my behaviour Strange situation with strange outcome. Maybe it's just me.
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I got to a point where I could careless if she came back or not. Perhaps it's not that you wish a "second chance" (although that is the forum you chose to post in) but that, like Westrock says, you care to find out whether or not she has forgiven you? Or, at minimum, what level of forgiveness she has reached at this point? It is perfectly normal to want to be forgiven for prior harmful actions, and to need to know if that has happened or has potential of happening. In any event, there is SOMETHING that you are caring about...your own curiosity (about her motives for texting you, and your wondering why she is NOT avoiding you) is evidence of that. Have you forgiven yourself, for whatever you did?
foxh1234 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Honestly, after you mentioned that you did something that you could have gone to jail for as revenge, I'm apt to thinking that she may geniunely want to know that you are OK but doesn't want to rekindle anything. Seriously. If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they won't be texting. They'd be beating down your door. (Just ask Fox1234 -- sorry guy, your example was perfect). No prob buddy. My 2 cents is do not contact her. Stay NC, it will do you no good to accept her crumbs. As Cali said, she will find you if she wants you, mine sure did.
Author RYKR Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 In the beginning like everyone else, I was looking for a second chance. After NC was put into place, it slowly occurred that it was best to move on and a second chance didn't look possible from an outside view (she didn't contact me at the time). I was shocked the first time she contacted, which was roughly 2 week ago (text message as well) I thought it was probably a nice gesture from her. This second text seemed like there was more reason behind. What I'm trying to say is if she was looking for forgiveness, she wouldn't have initiated contact. She would either expected me to cave in or forgotten me and moved on like no tomorrow. I'm going to throw a wild card, she possibly might still have feelings towards me. She's the type that wears her heart on her sleeve. That's just a rational thought. The only answer can only be answered from her. Yes I have forgiven myself. I'm still sticking to NC.
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Yes I have forgiven myself. That is THE most important thing. Just to be clear, I wasn't talking of her wanting forgiveness from you, but GIVING it to you (for your "coulda got arrested for it" behaviour.) But it's moot. Your self-forgiveness is the most important thing. I totally agree with you -- just stick with n/c, and stop giving her any more of your mental/emotional power and energy. Not even an ounce of it.
Author RYKR Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Update: A few days later she sent me another text saying "Hi ... so are you ignoring me?" So 4 days later (yesterday) I broke NC and replied "We'll talk another time." Fuzz, I was doing to good and then I caved in for feeling bad ignoring her for so long. I felt my reply gave her something to think about. I feel like **** now for texting back.
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You value good manners. Nothing "bad" or inappropriate about living up to your own values, IMO. You said the MINIMUM that you could say, while still acting with integrity. How much more perfect do you want to get???
Author RYKR Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 I kept it simple as possible. I think that message probably got her thinking when is he going to call or will he call. Kinda like keep her guessing for anticipation. Maybe it might even push her to call in the near future, who knows. I hate it when she only texts, probably to chicken to call. But I promised myself I WON'T call like how I "promised" in the text. Back to NC again
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