Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I don't know about that childhood thing. My love life is totally screwed up (or basically non-existent) and my parents were very supportive. They gave me lots of freedom and lots of love and solid (liberal) values. So I can't complain there. Then again, hmm... I was very close to my sister who dominated me so I find it difficult to be assertive with women...and I was brutally bullied in school to the extent that my self-esteem went down the toilet... maybe you have something there. Anyway, I totally sympathize with the initiator of this thread. Like her, I have a lot going for me. I'm smart, good-looking and occasionally funny. I can cook and generally love to take care of other people and be taken care of. I'm not sure it helps, but great people seem to fail at love all the time. What I don't see so much, though, is great people who have no close friends. The best dating advice I've ever seen is to avoid people who don't have close friends. Every other piece of advice seems incredibly useless. Don't be a doormat, they say. Does that mean I have to yell if she smokes one cigarette a day and blows the smoke out of the window? Does it mean I have to insist that she marry me the next day because that is what I want? Wait a minute, that conflicts with the other useless piece of advice we often get, which is to be cool. Ah, shut up already. In the end I think the only thing that works is to see a lot of people and hope for the best, which is that someone finds you irresistible. When that happens you don't need tactics. Then you try to make it work with that person. If it doesn't, move on and restart the process. Keep doing that until you die. Perhaps the biggest mistake I made (apart from falling in love twice with very long recovery periods after being dumped) was to move to a small town. I would have been a lot better off in a big city. I suspect that's why they have cities, to bring people together. I was very close to my sister who dominated me so I find it difficult to be assertive with women Do you find that you tend to attract bitchy woman who want to control you and treat you like a doormat? I know quite a few lovely but passive guys who seem to have girlfriends who do not appreciate them and try to control them. and I was brutally bullied in school to the extent that my self-esteem went down the toilet... maybe you have something there. Despite coming from a loving family, if you were severely bullied in school then it may have something to do with it. Do you feel your self esteem is still low now? It must have been a little easier having supportive parents though - I was badly picked on at school AND my parents said awful things to me. I just felt so worthless at times. Anyway, I totally sympathize with the initiator of this thread. Like her, I have a lot going for me. I'm smart, good-looking and occasionally funny. I can cook and generally love to take care of other people and be taken care of. I'm not sure it helps, but great people seem to fail at love all the time. Yes - my friends and sisters tell me Im fab! I am attractive with a great personality - I am not at all bland - I have established interests, am smart, fun to be with, very fun loving, energetic. I have quite often been described as very unique, outstanding and unusual too. Im constantly being questioned why I'm always single and when I say 'cos the ones I like never feel the same', I get told that it's them missing out on me and not the other way round. But then if I'm so great then why do they not see a good thing in front of them and snap me up??? My finer details are ok as well in case anyone was wondering - I do not have bad breath, I do not have B.O, I have very clean white teeth, I am normal height and weight etc... What I don't see so much, though, is great people who have no close friends. The best dating advice I've ever seen is to avoid people who don't have close friends. I do have good friends and my sisters who all love spending time with me. Perhaps the biggest mistake I made (apart from falling in love twice with very long recovery periods after being dumped) was to move to a small town. I would have been a lot better off in a big city. I suspect that's why they have cities, to bring people together Perhaps a city is a better place to meet people as there are gonna be more of them but then you get people in rural areas having no trouble at all finding anyone. Oh I just don't know what it is!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 well I do cope and I don't cope. I have my moments like today I felt rather lonely and down and feel like am losing hope of finding someone, esp as am not getting any younger. But I try to think positive and come up with plans with friends to keep myself occupied but also to have things too look forward too and mind off just dating. So next weekend I was not looking forward to Valentines as it was either going to mean staying in being pissed off or going out being pissed off seeing all the happy lovey dovey couples around. So now am going to a singles party, not too find anyone but just to have a boogie and drink but in the surrounds of like minded people. The following weekend I have found a Brazilian party night with Salsa and Latin dancing too go too. I would suggest you look into getting yourself some great plans, it really does perk you up. As for knowing why the ones I like never seem too feel the same and the ones I don't like liking me, the only thing I can come up with is perhaps we relax when its someone we don;t like and give off a more relaxed "you are not the be all and end all" vibe. We as when its someone we like perhaps we hang on their everyword and that makes them panic a bit. I really donno Course I get cheesed off with it, but I can have a cry or chocolate and then put a happy face on and go out with my friends etc and have a good time. Although I know it doesn't feel nice being rejected and I do feel very lonely and long for companionship, its not the be all and end all of my life. Better to be single and happy (ish) than be with the wrong one and be miserable as hell. I have my moments like today I felt rather lonely and down and feel like am losing hope of finding someone, esp as am not getting any younger. Yeah for some reason Sunday is always the day I feel most low about it, I feel like I would like someone special to share it with - you know lie in together and have great sex, have dinner together, go for a walk together etc. I still love the MM I was involved with over the summer despite the fact I have not seen him since July and he severely hurt me - and I constantly find myself fantasizing about him and imaginging he's still here with me. Then reality sets in and I'm all alone, daydreaming about someone I can't have and who doesn't want me in their life. It deeply saddens me. I would suggest you look into getting yourself some great plans, it really does perk you up. I do go out with friends most weekends although perhaps not as often as I should - mainly for money reasons as I cannot afford many big nights out, also sometimes I really just cannot find the motivation to do anything when Im having a particularly bad time. I am going on a 2 week clubbing holiday this year and would love to go travelling in a couple of years when I can afford to. Although I know it doesn't feel nice being rejected and I do feel very lonely and long for companionship, its not the be all and end all of my life. I did used to be happy being single as prior to getting involved with the married man I hadn't liked anyone for a while. For me it only hurts being single when I actually like someone and they reject me, it kind of awakens my need for companionship. According to Maslows heirarchy of needs, having sex is as mandatory as things like eating/sleeping, and sexual intimacy is essential as well. http://talkingtails.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needssvg.png
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Okay, but you felt these things AFTER getting involved. When you choose a married man to get involved with- at the very least you know there is a huge obstacle to overcome... it's also logical to assume relationships with attached people won't go anywhere. So, I think it's more about asking why you choose such challenging/hopeless relationships to BEGIN with. Sure, you might feel after getting involved that you want something more... but I think you should explore why you choose unavailable people to begin with. That's the trap. I know all about it because that's what I did after my marriage fell apart. I started dating super young guys, comittment phobic guys, LDR's... and i did that because deep down I was terrified to explore something real. But you know what would end up happening? It would backfire, and I'd believe I wanted more from them and then end up being disappointed. Well of course I was going to be disappointed- I was choosing people to date that logically had no potential in the first place. So the cycle would go on... My therapist once asked me- "what would you do if someone awesome and 100% available came along?" I had to answer 1) crap my pants 2) sabotage it. But that's my story, and a whole other can of worms. If you grew up with a critical, unhappy childhood- you're going to go into adulthood with a pre-condition- feeling unworthy of being loved. You have to get over that. You're wondering why the guys you want don't feel the same, and why you can't love the guys that want you. I think it comes down to the choices you make- and more importantly, how you feel about YOU. I know - I think I have got into a vicious cycle of falling for people I cannot have, then when I realise they are definately not available I still persue it and hope for more and fall harder for the guy. It really is horrible cos I would love more than anything to have that intimacy with someone who I have extreme chemistry with, so it is horrible always being disappointed. But then like someone else said on here - perhaps deep down I am not ready for a relationship or, cos I feel so crap about myself, think I don't deserve to be loved. Urgh its maddening!
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