xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...or are not available, and the ones that want you, you are not interested in??? I'm now 27 and perpetually single, and I mean PLAIN GOD DAMN SINGLE because of this. It has been like this for me since school, seriously. People tell me I'm very attractive with a great personality so never understand why I never get what I want...EVER. It really really gets me down. I do not even have anyone I can call upon when feeling horny. I'm at the end of my tether. Argh.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...or are not available, and the ones that want you, you are not interested in??? I'm now 27 and perpetually single, and I mean PLAIN GOD DAMN SINGLE because of this. It has been like this for me since school, seriously. People tell me I'm very attractive with a great personality so never understand why I never get what I want...EVER. It really really gets me down. I do not even have anyone I can call upon when feeling horny. I'm at the end of my tether. Argh. Location? Some places are better than others for dating - not just activities, but cities. If you're hanging out at a whole in the wall bar in a small town, people might enjoy you but just not click with you. If you are in a nice club in say a medium sized city, you might click well with others. Activities too.
Die Hard Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I do not even have anyone I can call upon when feeling horny. I'm at the end of my tether. Argh.Okay I'm going to do my good deed for the year and offer you my services. Just PM me. Seriously though, I bet a lot of the guys who wanted YOU feel the same way. This is part of the human condition, IMO. We want what we can't have. At least until we find one we want, and can have. And I don't know about you, but at that point I find a way to **** it up anyway.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Location? Some places are better than others for dating - not just activities, but cities. If you're hanging out at a whole in the wall bar in a small town, people might enjoy you but just not click with you. If you are in a nice club in say a medium sized city, you might click well with others. Activities too. Location not really a problem, I do meet people but I'm quite fussy so do not fall for a guy easily, I want who I want and thats it. For example, over the last year I have been involved with a married man which caused me alot of pain (see previous threads) and I know you will be thinking that didn't work for obvious reasons. Then a couple of months ago I slept with a friend and got really attached afterwards but he would not get with me due to personal issues, although I see via Facebook he is now 'in a relationship' and keeps updating his status and writing everywhere how great it is. Im hurting as he didn't let these 'personal issues' get in the way of getting with this girl, so he obviously just didnt want me. It has always been like this for me, I have barely had a relationship with anyone and had very little sexual experience because of this, despite having a very high drive. It upsets and frustrates me.
alphamale Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...or are not available, and the ones that want you, you are not interested in??? I'm now 27 and perpetually single, and I mean PLAIN GOD DAMN SINGLE because of this. It has been like this for me since school, seriously. thats true most the time but not always. plus you're still a kid at 27 and probably are still finding out about yourself. i didn't really hit my stride with the opposite sex until i hit 30 or so
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Okay I'm going to do my good deed for the year and offer you my services. Just PM me. Seriously though, I bet a lot of the guys who wanted YOU feel the same way. This is part of the human condition, IMO. We want what we can't have. At least until we find one we want, and can have. And I don't know about you, but at that point I find a way to **** it up anyway. Okay I'm going to do my good deed for the year and offer you my services. Just PM me. :lmao: Yeah I agree about wanting what you can't have, I believe we discussed this on a previous thread about how hurt I have been about that married man I was involved with. Why would people cause themselves pain by chasing the ones they can't have?
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Maybe you're just too picky.. I"m like that too..
alphamale Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Maybe you're just too picky.. I"m like that too.. either that or trying to date "out of ones league"
Ramrod Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 "Why would people cause themselves pain by chasing the ones they can't have?" Self-loathing. Self-sabatoge. Narcissism. Do you want me to continue? Try making friends first with people you genuinely like or find appealing, don't focus on searching for a mate or boink buddy, let your life happen without great expectation for awhile. I only ever "fell in love" when I least expected or very, very subtley
alphamale Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 "Why would people cause themselves pain by chasing the ones they can't have?" Self-loathing. Self-sabatoge. Narcissism. Do you want me to continue? or they may THINK they want a relationship when sub-conciously they really don't
Die Hard Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 :lmao: Yeah I agree about wanting what you can't have, I believe we discussed this on a previous thread about how hurt I have been about that married man I was involved with. Why would people cause themselves pain by chasing the ones they can't have?I can't say for sure but I know I love a good chase. It's like I'm doing something when I'm chasing, and don't have the time to worry about if the person is really right for me. But yeah I chased a MW myself so I know what you mean. I guess we're masochists or something. edit I think alpha's post above mine makes a lot of sense. At least to me.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 either that or trying to date "out of ones league" Yeah I am picky but wouldn't say I go for guys out of my league! My friends have told me that I just always seem to pick people who are not available/cant offer me anything or are losers!
alphamale Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My friends have told me that I just always seem to pick people who are not available/cant offer me anything or are losers! many do that when they are young, its nothing abnormal
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 many do that when they are young, its nothing abnormal None of my friends have this problem, even when they are single most of them seem to find someone they like enough just to have sex with and never seem to be more than 6 months or a year away from another relationship. For me...nothing. Just nothing at all.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I can't say for sure but I know I love a good chase. It's like I'm doing something when I'm chasing, and don't have the time to worry about if the person is really right for me. But yeah I chased a MW myself so I know what you mean. I guess we're masochists or something. edit I think alpha's post above mine makes a lot of sense. At least to me. Only fun to chase if you think theres a good chance the outcome will be great! Yeah we may just like to punish ourselves for some reason by going for people who we know deep down cannot offer us anything, although if we thought something would cause us pain surely we wouldn't persue it?! Its odd. Or perhaps Alpha may be right - maybe we don't even really want a relationship at all!
LovieDove24 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I hate to sound all psychotherapist on you but is it possible any of this has to do with a lousy childhood? Ramrod's description: self loathing, self sabotage about sums up what many people subconciously do who dont TRULY feel they deserve love. Could this be true of you?
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I don't think it's about wanting what you can't have. I think it's about purposely putting unwarranted effort into something you know will never amount to anything for the sole purpose of avoidance of anything real. The more real the possibility of having a relationship with someone- the greater the chance of vulnerability. The problem is that you trick yourself into believing that by choosing the wrong people that you are protecting yourself.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I hate to sound all psychotherapist on you but is it possible any of this has to do with a lousy childhood? Ramrod's description: self loathing, self sabotage about sums up what many people subconciously do who dont TRULY feel they deserve love. Could this be true of you? Unfortunately yes, I did have a bad childhood - had every material thing I wanted but no emotional love/support. In fact my parents used to always pick me to pieces and say awful things like I was a black sheep, problem child and that they couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting/loving me. You hit the nail on the head! My mother was also depressed and my father an abusive man after drinking. Was also picked on at school. Has been very tough at times. Look at previous threads of mine for more details.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I don't think it's about wanting what you can't have. I think it's about purposely putting unwarranted effort into something you know will never amount to anything for the sole purpose of avoidance of anything real. The more real the possibility of having a relationship with someone- the greater the chance of vulnerability. The problem is that you trick yourself into believing that by choosing the wrong people that you are protecting yourself. I don't think it's about wanting what you can't have. Well it could be partly that, like it's psychological that people tend to want what they know they can't have. But interesting to think I may be picking men I can't have/can't offer me anything as a way of avoiding real relationships. I really have wanted a relationship with the people I have fancied, when I like someone it does feel very intense and it would be like a dream, a luxury just to have them kiss me or something. For example if the married man had been genuine and ended up leaving his wife for me it would have been a dream come true, I loved him so much - and still do even though he's gone for good and I have not seen him in about 6 months. Then after I slept with my friend a couple of months ago it eased a bit of the pain I went through (and am STILL going through) over the MM and I fell for him after that but he didn't want anything more at all, not even a friends with benefits situation. He has now got with another girl which has really upset me. If he wants HER, why didn't he want ME???
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 [/i][/b]Well it could be partly that, like it's psychological that people tend to want what they know they can't have. But interesting to think I may be picking men I can't have/can't offer me anything as a way of avoiding real relationships. I really have wanted a relationship with the people I have fancied, when I like someone it does feel very intense and it would be like a dream, a luxury just to have them kiss me or something. For example if the married man had been genuine and ended up leaving his wife for me it would have been a dream come true, I loved him so much - and still do even though he's gone for good and I have not seen him in about 6 months. Then after I slept with my friend a couple of months ago it eased a bit of the pain I went through (and am STILL going through) over the MM and I fell for him after that but he didn't want anything more at all, not even a friends with benefits situation. He has now got with another girl which has really upset me. If he wants HER, why didn't he want ME??? Okay, but you felt these things AFTER getting involved. When you choose a married man to get involved with- at the very least you know there is a huge obstacle to overcome... it's also logical to assume relationships with attached people won't go anywhere. So, I think it's more about asking why you choose such challenging/hopeless relationships to BEGIN with. Sure, you might feel after getting involved that you want something more... but I think you should explore why you choose unavailable people to begin with. That's the trap. I know all about it because that's what I did after my marriage fell apart. I started dating super young guys, comittment phobic guys, LDR's... and i did that because deep down I was terrified to explore something real. But you know what would end up happening? It would backfire, and I'd believe I wanted more from them and then end up being disappointed. Well of course I was going to be disappointed- I was choosing people to date that logically had no potential in the first place. So the cycle would go on... My therapist once asked me- "what would you do if someone awesome and 100% available came along?" I had to answer 1) crap my pants 2) sabotage it. But that's my story, and a whole other can of worms. If you grew up with a critical, unhappy childhood- you're going to go into adulthood with a pre-condition- feeling unworthy of being loved. You have to get over that. You're wondering why the guys you want don't feel the same, and why you can't love the guys that want you. I think it comes down to the choices you make- and more importantly, how you feel about YOU.
pandagirl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Okay, but you felt these things AFTER getting involved. When you choose a married man to get involved with- at the very least you know there is a huge obstacle to overcome... it's also logical to assume relationships with attached people won't go anywhere. So, I think it's more about asking why you choose such challenging/hopeless relationships to BEGIN with. Sure, you might feel after getting involved that you want something more... but I think you should explore why you choose unavailable people to begin with. That's the trap. I know all about it because that's what I did after my marriage fell apart. I started dating super young guys, comittment phobic guys, LDR's... and i did that because deep down I was terrified to explore something real. But you know what would end up happening? It would backfire, and I'd believe I wanted more from them and then end up being disappointed. Well of course I was going to be disappointed- I was choosing people to date that logically had no potential in the first place. So the cycle would go on... My therapist once asked me- "what would you do if someone awesome and 100% available came along?" I had to answer 1) crap my pants 2) sabotage it. But that's my story, and a whole other can of worms. If you grew up with a critical, unhappy childhood- you're going to go into adulthood with a pre-condition- feeling unworthy of being loved. You have to get over that. You're wondering why the guys you want don't feel the same, and why you can't love the guys that want you. I think it comes down to the choices you make- and more importantly, how you feel about YOU. I couldn't agree with this more, D-lish! I think until we are really happy with ourselves and thus available to something real and good for ourselves, we could have the perfect person in front of us, and run far away. If it seems too real, it scares us. I definitely want guys that I know I can't have. I obviously don't purposely put myself in these situations, but we pick up on subtle nuances and cues from other people that all add up. In the last couple of years, I've been working really hard at becoming a happier person and accepting myself, thus making it easier to let someone else love me. If we don't love ourselves, then no one else will be able to. It's baby steps, but I can feel the changes happening slowly. So, maybe the answer is, be present and mindful of your choices in men and relationships. Think about if you really *want* that person as valuable asset to your life, rather than merely seeking acceptance.
blondesmiler Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 ...or are not available, and the ones that want you, you are not interested in??? I'm now 27 and perpetually single, and I mean PLAIN GOD DAMN SINGLE because of this. It has been like this for me since school, seriously. People tell me I'm very attractive with a great personality so never understand why I never get what I want...EVER. It really really gets me down. I do not even have anyone I can call upon when feeling horny. I'm at the end of my tether. Argh. Yep same goes here, it is really frustrating and I am almost at the end of my thether (somehow I just manage too keep myself from getting to the very end!!)
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Yep same goes here, it is really frustrating and I am almost at the end of my thether (somehow I just manage too keep myself from getting to the very end!!) Tell me how you find ways of coping, and why you think the ones you like never feel the same way? Is there a certain type of man you go for? Do you get really hurt and upset when yet another one you fancy turns out unavailable, gets with someone else, or doesn't feel the same???
blondesmiler Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Tell me how you find ways of coping, and why you think the ones you like never feel the same way? Is there a certain type of man you go for? Do you get really hurt and upset when yet another one you fancy turns out unavailable, gets with someone else, or doesn't feel the same??? well I do cope and I don't cope. I have my moments like today I felt rather lonely and down and feel like am losing hope of finding someone, esp as am not getting any younger. But I try to think positive and come up with plans with friends to keep myself occupied but also to have things too look forward too and mind off just dating. So next weekend I was not looking forward to Valentines as it was either going to mean staying in being pissed off or going out being pissed off seeing all the happy lovey dovey couples around. So now am going to a singles party, not too find anyone but just to have a boogie and drink but in the surrounds of like minded people. The following weekend I have found a Brazilian party night with Salsa and Latin dancing too go too. I would suggest you look into getting yourself some great plans, it really does perk you up. As for knowing why the ones I like never seem too feel the same and the ones I don't like liking me, the only thing I can come up with is perhaps we relax when its someone we don;t like and give off a more relaxed "you are not the be all and end all" vibe. We as when its someone we like perhaps we hang on their everyword and that makes them panic a bit. I really donno Course I get cheesed off with it, but I can have a cry or chocolate and then put a happy face on and go out with my friends etc and have a good time. Although I know it doesn't feel nice being rejected and I do feel very lonely and long for companionship, its not the be all and end all of my life. Better to be single and happy (ish) than be with the wrong one and be miserable as hell.
drutten Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I don't know about that childhood thing. My love life is totally screwed up (or basically non-existent) and my parents were very supportive. They gave me lots of freedom and lots of love and solid (liberal) values. So I can't complain there. Then again, hmm... I was very close to my sister who dominated me so I find it difficult to be assertive with women... and I was brutally bullied in school to the extent that my self-esteem went down the toilet... maybe you have something there. Anyway, I totally sympathize with the initiator of this thread. Like her, I have a lot going for me. I'm smart, good-looking and occasionally funny. I can cook and generally love to take care of other people and be taken care of. I'm not sure it helps, but great people seem to fail at love all the time. What I don't see so much, though, is great people who have no close friends. The best dating advice I've ever seen is to avoid people who don't have close friends. Every other piece of advice seems incredibly useless. Don't be a doormat, they say. Does that mean I have to yell if she smokes one cigarette a day and blows the smoke out of the window? Does it mean I have to insist that she marry me the next day because that is what I want? Wait a minute, that conflicts with the other useless piece of advice we often get, which is to be cool. Ah, shut up already. In the end I think the only thing that works is to see a lot of people and hope for the best, which is that someone finds you irresistible. When that happens you don't need tactics. Then you try to make it work with that person. If it doesn't, move on and restart the process. Keep doing that until you die. Perhaps the biggest mistake I made (apart from falling in love twice with very long recovery periods after being dumped) was to move to a small town. I would have been a lot better off in a big city. I suspect that's why they have cities, to bring people together.
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