jegelskerdeg Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Can a guy who you have been having LOTS of sex with for the last 6+ weeks, who calls you his girlfriend, who introduces you to his parents, and who has made some pretty BIG statements... really be all that into you if he has NEVER spent the night? I don't want to walk away from something potentially really good if I am over-reacting, but this doesn't feel great and I DO NOT understand he has NO real explanation... in my experience, in the beginning when things are good, you want to know what the waking up, breakfast, see what the day brings... feels like... isn't that how you figure out whether you want to be with someone? I have rarely been so confused... should I walk or think it will work itself out?
Still Trying Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 6+ weeks is nothing. He's feeling lust, and lust alone (most likely) - you've met the parents? I can't say anything because my folks were introduced right away to my current gf, but it wasn't really planned that way... ls. I've never NOT spent the night at a girls place if invited over but I will say that I've left my current GFs house twice in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep well in her bed, another long story, but it had nothing to do with my feelings for her. Maybe a similar situation for him? Need more information and you need to open up the lines of communication. I'll tell you right now that you're only leading yourself up to a bunch of frustration if you choose to date someone who's not willing to talk about your relationship! Sit him down again and make him understand that NOT spending the night is NOT ok with you... if he says all this crap he needs to back it up! I love the morning after, and a lot of times the breakfast talk/sex/kissing is better than the night before.
Author jegelskerdeg Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I don't think that 6+ weeks is a LONG time, it is simply a LONG time to not have spent the night... he did sort of try one night... it would have been a BIG deal to not have that night given his words/actions... but it was a week night and it wasn't ideal anyway... So, we have talked about it and his answer is that in the long-term it won't matter... as in when we live together it will be a non-issue... he does this thing where we end up with kids and a life, but he doesn't really attend to right now... it is so odd!! He has this need to set the stage for leaving upon arrival and couches it in terms of being honest and I just find it irritating... he can't just hang out and go with whatever feels right it is so crazy... His other response is that it is just really early in our relationship... but, come one... we see eachother nearly ever day, we have sex nearly every time we see eachother... there really isn't anything casual about the way we behave except for this weird timekeeping need to go home thing...
alphamale Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Can a guy who you have been having LOTS of sex with for the last 6+ weeks, who calls you his girlfriend, who introduces you to his parents, and who has made some pretty BIG statements... really be all that into you if he has NEVER spent the night? that is a little strange
calazhage Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Well, all dating is so strange.. I sleep at a woman's house, she hugs me all night after lots of sex, and I cant tell if she is even interested,lol. Do I want to leave her house? No. But maybe some guys are different.
Rebellious Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Maybe he doesn't want you to know that he snores? Snoring is a deal-breaker for me.
carhill Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Commitment phobic. Performs commitment actions superficially. If he does it enough, maybe he'll actually feel it. Or so he thinks. OP, what is your opinion of my assertion? Look hard at your interactions with him on the basic emotional level. Does he present the capacity for emotional intimacy?
Author jegelskerdeg Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 carhill I am not sure I understand your question about looking at our interactions at a basic emotional level... I will say that his last two relationships have ended badly and he has felt betrayed both times... the end of a decade long marriage and the loss of kids and a woman who cheated on him... I would say that in general he has been very open and even vulnerable in many ways... he has also been overwhelmed by his own feelings towards me... and he has admitted that he cares about me more than he would like and despite his best efforts not to... I have been more open, compromising and generous with him than maybe with anyone in my life... It could be poor timing, it could simply be two really great people who just aren't really great for eachother... I want to give this a really good shot at success, but I don't want to be foolish or waste my time!
Illiandra Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 IMO i think spending the night together with or without sex is a big deal,,, you are letting that person sleep next to you when your most vulnerable ,, being that your asleep! i have found that sleeping over actually brings you closer together... if hes acting like your bf in every aspect besides the sleeping over part, it maybe he is hiding the fact that he snores or perhaps hes not just comfortable with you yet? on the other hand if your having sex almost everyday... then he should feel comfortable with sleeping with you in the same bed... coming from a girls point of view
carhill Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I would say that in general he has been very open and even vulnerable in many ways... he has also been overwhelmed by his own feelings towards me... and he has admitted that he cares about me more than he would like and despite his best efforts not to... Yet you sense a disconnect between his actions and words, specifically his aversion to spending quality intimacy in bed overnight. I hope you understand that nearly every man, even those who have never had sex with a woman, have been hurt and/or betrayed. It's how they process and move beyond that hurt which defines them. You're only hearing his side of his history. Tell me, how much responsibility does he take for his past relationship failures? Such revelations are what occur during that non-sexual intimacy time. IMO, if he snores, he'd have already told you. Why hide something like that? It's not like he can change it, absent major surgery/lifestyle changes. My opinion stems from a lifetime of observing men who do all the right things at the surface, but struggle once the surface is breached. Remember, to him, sex is the surface. He doesn't see it the same way you do. I'll bet the sex started early
Author jegelskerdeg Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Sage advice carhill... it is how folks move through the "bad stuff" that is truly telling... I have definitely said that I was unwilling to pay the debts of other women's bad actions... The question about what he sees as his part in past relationship failures is a good one! No, the snoring thing is just dumb... it is not snoring... In his defense the sex didn't start super early (3 weeks in) and it was definitely at my urging as much as anyone's... I actually think he is more "emotionally bound" by sex than me... I really am pretty savvy most of the time about this stuff... I just do not get this man...
carhill Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 He's sexually bound by sex. The pleasures of the penis drive him. When a man has a ready source of such pleasure, he likes to visit it as often as possible, especially if it is unencumbered by complexity. If he is as 'emotional' as you say he is, and has been hurt deeply and isn't willing to give you the intimacy which you desire, then you're on different pages of the relationship timeline. The process is gradual, but definitive. IMO, three weeks is early for sex in a potential LTR where neither party knew each other in advance. I say that because, normally, when sex drives the intimacy without proper foundation and history, sex becomes the primary dynamic. Are you seeing signs of this? Lastly, again IMO, if you and this man can be as intimate physically as is possible for human beings, you can have a calm and intelligent talk about this. Do so and get back to us Oh, wanted to add that my wife and I were intimate emotionally long before we had sex, which didn't occur for a few months after starting dating (we didn't know each other prior). That said, I spent the night the first time she had me over for dinner (on the couch) and many nights after that. Such sharing built intimacy and history prior to sex taking place. I would do it exactly the same way again.
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