Reynogd247l8 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hola im new to this experience so bear with me. My wife and I have been together a total of 11 years (8dating/3married - 2yrs old daughter as well) . Early Jan 09 she comes to me and says shes not in love with me the way she should be. She says the love has died - no feelings of affection. I never saw it coming, hit me like a mack truck. So I instantly freak out and get all emo on her (bad idea). It takes a few weeks but finally I come to grips and agree with the seperation. So these weeks go by and I find an email wheres shes talking about being sad because some guy she had been "talking" to called it off. He claims he was getting to close to her and etc. As far as I can gather this was a short lived event - 2-3 weeks at most. Shes done all the classic cheater moves : new hair and clothes, always out with her friends and such. Im at a loss so I dont mention that I know to her of her "friend" and I plug along. She is still planning on moving out on March 1st, but now I feel shes sending me mixed signals. Despite "not loving me anymore" she calls to chat me up, checks on me and our daughter, phones to see if I need items from the store, and tells me she appreciates things I do for her. A few weeks ago she said she didnt love me, and now shes being nice in little ways and it weirds me out. I love her deeply and want to see things work out between us, but my head is so lost in her actions I want to scream. Im currently reading a book called 'The magic of making up' and trying to stick to the plan within, but im still so emotionally tangled up. Anyone out there ever live thru something like this and if so im all ears. TY everybody, Reyno
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Since you will be co-parenting, maybe she just realizes that it makes sense to have a cordial/friendly relationship with you, and she's trying to build that. Those are not really mixed messages -- if a friend asked you the same things, you'd not think twice. If she's not suggesting to delay her 'move out' date, then likely she isn't seeing a future within the household...at least, not at this point. I think, don't making yourself crazy by misreading things, or seeing "signs" that aren't really there. Another good resource is marriagebuilders.com, if you haven't checked that out yet. Have you guys discussed the possibility of marriage counseling? Sorry you're going through this.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 She's probably slowly waking up out of the fog and that's why she's being nicer to you. If there is a chance to fix your marriage and she's willing to do MC with you, would you consider going? For the sake of your kids, you both owe it to eachother to give it your best.
Author Reynogd247l8 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. I suggested MC but shes not interested in going, so i go alone, i figured i might as well deal with the things within my reach persay. I suppose also that i could be reading these signals/events wrong as well, maybe she is trying to be cordial. Im hoping that her moving out will let the situation breathe a bit, give us both a chance to refocus on our own personal happiness, and how find it again. I dont know the % of people who split and get back together or even what the steps are to doing so but whatever it is im willing to give it my all. Heres to hoping - Thanks Reyno
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 wwup, is right, the fog is lifting. Watch her over the next couple of weeks. She will all of a sudden think that MC is a good idea. She had sex with this guy and he wasn't so hot for her afterward. Women like to be in love. But if they can't have that she will opt for security.
Author Reynogd247l8 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Hhabl im glad you broke it down. I didnt want to believe she slept with this guy, but love is blinding isnt it ? I guess that opens up a whole other can of emotional worms. Until this point we have been faithful to each other, I cant seem to grasp how she could think this "affair" was a good idea or what she was hoping to accomplish with it. I asked her when her girls nights out became a 4 day a week event if she was seeing someone else and she said no. So now do I confront her on the issue again even though she plans on moving out in March or do I let her guilt do all the work instead ? Ughhh a thousand questions racing through my mind. Ill keep a keen eye out the next few weeks and see where she is trying to take this. Thanks again peeps, Reyno
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Methink you're reading a little too much into her 'niceness'... I doubt that it will ever come back like it was.. it's broken.. She might come back, because she probably knows you would take her back.. and from what I read, I have the feeling she can walk all over you.. I might be wrong though. My advice.. move on.. I know it's easier said than done.. but for your own sanity.. I say.. don't let her back in your life too easily.. you might be burnt a second time..
Lying eyes Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 My wife's been doing the same thing. Asking if I need anything from the store, calling to check up on the kids. And we've been separated for 2 weeks. I don't think it means anything other than she wants to be able to have a friendly co-parenting relationship. It seems like women are able to turn off their love for you in a heartbeat, and then try to talk to you like she didn't just break your heart. Every time my wife calls, my heart beats fast, I get an adrenaline rush, and then after the conversation, I feel a renewed sense of utter despair.
PWSX3 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Or she is feeling guilty & if she checks up on everyone then things are O.K. in her mind... Funny how they "find" ways to talk, communicate when "they" feel like it.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I find an email wheres shes talking about being sad because some guy she had been "talking" to called it off. "Talking to" does NOT mean "having sex with". If she didn't intend for you to see that email (if it was to a g/f or somesuch), she would likely have said, "having sex with" if that is what was going on, or at least would have said, "seeing" or "dating" or something more accurate. Are you sure she'd even met this guy with whom she was TALKING?
Author Reynogd247l8 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Hola again. Based on the fact that she was going out "to a girlfriends" 3-4 times a week, and that in the email i found she said he "broke it off via text msg", im guessing they met, mostly likely at the bar/club on her out nights. I dont see how this new flame could replace 11 years of commitment in a span of 21 days +/-. Im honestly baffled. Quick history leading up to this series of events: I became addicted hardcore to an online video game, was distant emotionally and sat at home gaming while she fell out of love. I know i F#$@'d up and have since ceased all prior problem behaviors. Damn near 6 weeks of slowly changing behavior on my part. Now i can see where my failures play into this in a major way, but once i knew of her feelings, i did a 180* to improve the things about me that hurt her and caused to her to fall out of love. Is this a case of too little too late on my part ? Or do i have even the slightest of chances during this seperation to show her im not the douche bag i was ? When i do the relationship math i see 11 years of commitment vs. months of douche baggery and cant understand why she wont even 'consider' working on things as a couple, ie MC. I know for some women they can just shut the love down like flipping off a lamp. But im starting to think she and this mystery man are still "talking" and shes imaging a life of bliss and butterflies even tho he himself has been divorced twice. I think this fling of hers is just a band aid to ease the pain of the moment, a way to escape our home 4 times a week and live the fantasy persay. I dont question her comings and going, i dont need to push her any farther away than she is. Im supportive and attentive to her without out being overbearing or in her face about it. And while i dont expect her to come running back with arms open, i cant help but feel that she's not receptive to anything involving me/us at the moment. I honestly appreciate all of you who have replied, good or bad, thus far. Views from several outside sources allows me to examine things i didnt consider or 'want to" consider. - Reyno
TrustInYourself Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 What are you doing to make her realize that you have changed other than no longer committing the same behavior? What you have to realize is she is not going back to the old you, the old marriage, the old way of thinking. You want her to realize a change? Well, not going to happen unless you stop chasing, get on with your life, and improve and evolve from the loser she is leaving into someone worth being married to. Just back off, do your thing. Keep in touch with her, but for now you have to just focus on living your life. I was in your place about a year ago. Best of luck.
Author Reynogd247l8 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Another day of surprises ....ughh. So I went online to check my wireless accout and such and to my dismay I learned that she and her "friend" have started communicating in a major way again. Im talking like 37 texts in the course of a 8 hour work day type of major. If ever there was a sign reading "its over, move on" i think that would have to be it. Trustinyourself i think you got it right "Just back off, do your thing. Keep in touch with her, but for now you have to just focus on living your life." Thanks again everyone. Time for this old dog to ramble on - Reyno Ps Trust what happened at the end for you ?
Lizzie60 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 You seem to like to torture yourself.. move on man!
mendsley Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hey Reynogd247l8 I have been going thru the same thing you have been for about...almost 6 months. It is very tough and leads to sleepless nights, depression and lack of eating. The thing you have to understand is you know what she is and has been doing so avoid finding out more about what they are doing as much as you can. I figured out my wifes email account and read about 250 emails of how much they love each other and what they wanted to do to each other . It has been very very difficult for me because of the choices I make. I tend to call her all the time, send gifts, worry about what she is doing, and try to figure out if she is going on a date. I have finally realized that things go ALLOT better for ME if I focus on what makes me happy. I don't really give a $hit what she is doing now! I still help her financially cause of the children but I am not so attached but I am stating to do things for ME now. There are two things that are pretty much a givin; 1. If she says she loves you but, not in love with you, she's out bangin'! 2. If you just up and leave with out looking back, she will be wanting to figure out WTF is going on and start coming around. So read as many posts as you can and make sure you do things for YOU, and let her find out that the grass ia not greener | MIKE |
Author Reynogd247l8 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Message heard loud and clear mendsley ! time to stop the mental torture and go find "my" happiness. ty to everyone again, its time for me to stop pouting and start living again !! - Reyno
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