John D'oh Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hey. This site has helped. Thanks. I'll keep it brief. She wanted a break after 7 years. Lived together, did long distance for some years. I knew it was coming and likely instigated the break. I let her down and wasn't ready to commit, etc. It's been a little over 2 months. She has said more than a couple times that we'll get back together, but she needs time for us to sort out where we really want to go from here. I have every reason to believe her. Love her enough to give her the space she needs and it's been good for me too. Been NC for 9 days, haven't seen her in a month. Previously it's been just catch up small talk. I've read not to bring up the relationship when we talk and meet, but I've also been advised to work out all the issues we had with our relationship in order to possibly move forward. Do I wait for her to bring it up?
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Are you passive-aggressive? What do you want? I didn't see that anywhere in your post. Sorry if I overlooked something. I say this because you sound like my wife. Have you ever been fully invested and vulnerable to anyone in your life? She's going to bring that up, trust me
Author John D'oh Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Actually, I am passive aggressive, among other things, and getting help to deal with my issues during this time. Also trying to figure out what I really do want, something I've struggled with my entire life, and not just in relationships. Hoping our conversation might help.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 She wanted a break after 7 years. Lived together, did long distance for some years. I knew it was coming and likely instigated the break. I let her down and wasn't ready to commit, etc. You are keeping it brief but makes it a bit confusing! You say you initiated the break correct? If you did why did you do this? It's been a little over 2 months. She has said more than a couple times that we'll get back together' date=' but she needs time for us to sort out where we really want to go from here. [/quote'] If you were the one to make the break why is she saying you will be back together??? Is getting back together what you want?? Sounds like it is something she wants. I have every reason to believe her. Love her enough to give her the space she needs and it's been good for me too. What is giving her the space doing for her and you?? what are you doing with your time? what is she doing? therapy? counseling? ect? I've read not to bring up the relationship when we talk and meet' date=' but I've also been advised to work out all the issues we had with our relationship in order to possibly move forward. [/quote'] If you are meeting and talking then I would recommend that you set a time aside to meet and talk about exactly what you both want. What is it that you both want from each other and from a relationship and a relationship with each other. Do you want to be together? and if you do what are you both going to do to make it work? and if you are going to make it work, when are you going to do that? how are you going to do that if you're taking a break? If you both truly love each other deeply, then don't let this go. I have learned the hard way by not working hard enough with the person I really loved. But he also didn't work hard enough either. If you are both willing to work on it, then do so. Do I wait for her to bring it up? No, not if you want to know what is going on with your "relationship" with her and your future or no future together. If you are not going to make your relationship work and plan on a future together than it is best to move on and let it be.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Also trying to figure out what I really do want' date='[/quote'] To help with that, you may wish to Google 'personal core values,' 'setting life goals' and 'achieving goals'. Some "life areas" for which you may want to consider setting one or more goals: Personal Development/Education, Social/Friends/Fun, Health/Fitness, Financial/Career/Own Business, Primary Relationship, Family/Children, and Spiritual/Faith. From following link. Chapter 2 ends with a list of values, and Chapter 7 may also be useful. http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm Good luck. Keep a sense of fun and adventure to prevent it from feeling overwhelming and exhausting.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 To help with that, you may wish to Google 'personal core values,' 'setting life goals' and 'achieving goals'. Some "life areas" for which you may want to consider setting one or more goals: Personal Development/Education, Social/Friends/Fun, Health/Fitness, Financial/Career/Own Business, Primary Relationship, Family/Children, and Spiritual/Faith. From following link. Chapter 2 ends with a list of values, and Chapter 7 may also be useful. http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm Hey Ronni....thanks for the google info and link!!!
Author John D'oh Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, thanks Ronni. Great link. Part of the reason we're taking a break is becasue I've never been able to figure out what exactly I want in life, let alone what I want in our relationship. She initiated the break, but in the end it seems it was my issues that forced the situation. We agreed that we both need time to think about what we want out of us; we were at a standstill in the relationshp. During the last couple months I've realized life is awful without her, and I've told her how I really feel about her, so she's assured me that everything will be OK. But I don't know if it's the comfort that I'm truly missing. I guess more time will tell? I have my ups and down, and now as time is going by and I'm starting to heal from the initial separation anxiety and starting to be OK by myself, I'm again starting to drift back to the "I'm not sure what I really want stage". I'm going to counseling to work out some issues of commitment and letting people get to close, etc. I mean I truly do love her and we're best friends, but as it's really both our first serious relationship, I was always leery about marriage. Aren't you supposed to just know if you're going to marry someone?
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Aren't you supposed to just know if you're going to marry someone? Nah, not really. (Although some people would say, "Yeah, sure!") The deal is, it's an individual thing. (I know...not much help in that, is there?) What I might suggest is to EXPAND your vision so it includes the other important facets of your life. Because it gets difficult if not impossible to come to any decisions about what you want out of a relationship, if you don't know where/how you are going to get some of your other needs met. For example. If I know that I have a deep desire to run a scuba diving outfit in Jamaica, then that really clears up what I want from any relationship I'm going to get into, here in Toronto. And if I know that I don't want any kids (or I want 12 of them), that self-info really helps me when I'm dating a guy who wants 2. If financial freedom is important to me, or the ability to travel, or whatever -- again, I am better able to choose a mate whose values/goals are closer to mine, which helps to ensure his understanding, support and encouragement for me to pursue my own goals and interests...NOT that he necessarily will, or has to, do everything with me. And if I dislike watching team sports on TV, then I'd better not get involved with a guy whose life revolves around NFL, NBA, NHL and MBA schedules. And if I'm a couch potato, Mr. LetsGoHikingOrCanoeing and I pro'ly won't get along for too long. Not that there can't be some healthy "opposites", just that you can make wiser, more well-informed decisions when you know what's what in ALL the different areas of your own life. Glad you are finding that link useful. Keep at it -- some good stuff in there!
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