First time here.... .

[yoko]

First let me say that I am 51 yrs. old and my first break up came at 13. With each and every break up I felt the same. Desperate, unloveable, and way too alone. I followed the same old routine each time too - find another. I did and it happened over and over again. 3 marriages, 3 divorces. I lived with 2 men, one lasted only 4 years and this last one has lasted 5 and he is the one I am writing about today. I have realized I am a love/relationship addict and I want to stop the cycle, get better and learn to be happy alone before I begin another relationship. There are things I need to learn about me to become a whole person and I am truly invested in getting the help I need with this.

 

He's an alcoholic. I quit drinking myself because of the trouble it caused in my life. He drinks daily and is usually emotionally abusive when drunk. We don't live together anymore (we did for 3 yrs. and I left because of the drinking but couldn't let go). He lives 45 min. away and at first it was OK. I went to his place on weekends. He lives in the country, I live in the city. I loved his place, when he was sober. When he is sober we are best friends. He always apolgizes for his behavior when he's drunk and I always forgive.He is gentle and loving and kind. He's the exact opposite when drunk. He's now only sober when he's at work. He's 47 and has been in a ton of trouble with alcohol both legally and physically. But I can't get over the difference in him when he is sober. It's really mind boggling.

 

He is really all I have here. My family all live at least 1000 miles away and I have few friends. He was my "family". The Holidays were especially hard. He came for Thanksgiving and we planned for his 2 grown boys to come for dinner, he got drunk and abusive and I asked him to leave. He did and I was alone on Thanksgiving. Same deal almost exactly for Christmas day. The day before New Years eve he called and asked if he could come to my place to dry out, said he wanted to quit for good. I was very happy and accomidated him gladly. It went very well and he stayed sober for only 23 days. During that time he was the wonderful man he is when sober. It was great. He felt better and looked better. I knew he may relapse of course, but I tried not to think about it. I tried to be supportive and positive. On the 24th day he drank and from that day on it's back to the same old stuff. Now he has decided that he wants this over. He won't really talk to me when he's sober because he's only sober at work and busy of course. He calls me drunk and says things that are hurtful and cruel. But he also says alot of things that clearly communicate that he wants this over once and for all. Says he still loves me but he doesn't want to hurt me anymore with his drinking. He goes between blaming me for everything to blaming himself for everything. Too many mixed messages. We were supposed to have dinner last Friday night but he got sick with the flu and couldn't make it. (He really was sick and not using it as an excuse) I wanted to clear the air. I wanted him to tell me his truth and to be able to tell him mine. Fantasy I know.

 

The problem is I do love him. I love the man he is when sober and my heart is broken again. Just one call from him saying he loves me and doesn't want to end this would be like a drug for me. I would be instantly transformed into a happy woman. How crazy is that? It's a destructive, abusive relationship and I can't let go! Again!! I want desperately to stop this addiction and move forward with me. I want to learn how to live and be happy alone. But I wait for him to call and it's really hard not to call him. Everyone who knows him tells me he will call me eventually. But I know without him staying sober it will only be more of the same. The kicker is he is saying this himself. He knows what is going on and wants to end it for some very valid reasons, I'm the one hanging on.

 

I'm a troubled lonely woman. I know there is no quick fix but I need honest support/feedback. It will probably be things I've heard before but I still need it. That or a ton of bricks dropped strategically on my head.Some days are better than others, today is a bad one.

 

Please excuse any misspellings, I just realized there is no spell check.

[PinkToes]

My heart goes out to you for the pain you are in. I, too, have loved a man with an addiction. So many times I would think to myself, "if only he would stop.... if only...." And deep down I knew I was kidding myself. He was never going to stop. And if he did, I knew I would always wonder: How long will it last this time?

 

And yet, he's the one who ended our relationship. It was the right thing to do, I realize that now. But I would have stayed, because I loved him, and because that was the only problem between us. Of course, it wasn't the only problem; I see that now. But back then, I spent a lot of time in "if only" land.

 

Being in love and intimate with someone changes the way the brain responds to that person; there is an attachment that causes us to feel a sense of connection even when we know it isn't in our best interest. It is one of the reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. So there is a part of your attachment to this man that has nothing to do with weakness or with your pattern of needing men. And that does make the situation more difficult for you.

 

I am impressed with your understanding of what's going on for you, and with your willingness to see how your behavior has contributed to where you are right now. I wish I could help guide you out of the situation and help you see your value as a caring, compassionate woman. Hopefully others on this forum will have real information to help you get through this.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I'm truly sorry for your pain. There are better days ahead, and I know you are strong enough to take this journey. You will get there. Take care.

[yoko]

Thank you PinkToes. It's amazing how just knowing someone else has been where I am can lift the spirits so much. Makes me feel less alone and that is so important to me. Thank you again.

 

The lows come and go. For example I just got in from walking my dog and getting some fresh air. I logged in here and got some wonderful support and I feel good. I feel hopeful instead of desperate, right now anyway. But by bedtime that could all change. I need to remember it doesn't last.

 

Going out and finding another man had become almost like a knee jerk reaction. It's just what I did. So I have never recovered from a broken heart - never learned how to nurture myself through it. I just replaced it with a new "love". Not this time. I'm too old for that game anymore. I don't want it anymore. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to develop a life for myself that is full and satifying. Then, maybe I will meet someone who is in the same place and we can share rather than be dependent on one another in that unhealthy and eventually destructive way.

 

Thank you again, means so much to me.

[PinkToes]

I really think your determination to create a happy life for yourself will help you more than you know. You seem like a strong woman, and sometimes just resolving to make a change can help you see some of the steps you need to take to get there. It doesn't have to be the overwhelming task that can cloud our vision during the darkest times.

 

Now that you are open to a future that doesn't include being rescued by the next available man, all sorts of things that never occurred to you before will present themselves.

 

Things like figuring out how, and where, you want to live. Decorating your living space exactly the way you want; choosing colors that you like, without having to please anyone else. After one of my breakups, I bought pink fuzzy sheets.

 

Putting candles in the bathroom, buying yourself fresh flowers. Having dinner whenever you feel like it, maybe that means popcorn and a chick-flick video. Whatever makes your house feel like your home, and yours alone.

 

The simplest things can be the most fun to discover about yourself. When you were a little girl, was there something you wished you could do, if your parents didn't say no? I always wanted to go outside wearing socks without shoes. Do those things now. Go to bed early and read magazines. When you make dinner for yourself, use the good dishes, and light a candle.

 

These are things I like to do; your list will likely be different. But thinking about the little things that make you happy will help you make the transition to the full life you're about to build.

 

Walking your dog and getting some fresh air are parts of yourself that have nothing to do with a relationship. I'll bet if you made a list, you'd realize you are much, much more than a woman who's always had a man by her side.

 

For help with the bigger steps, there are a lot of good books on the subject of 'reclaiming' yourself, and a support group or therapist could be helpful as well. But the process of discovering exactly what makes you happy, what you enjoy -- that's something you can start right away. Small steps are still steps.

 

There's one more thing I wanted to mention about the man I was involved with. While we were together, when I was still imagining that all he had to do was give up the drugs for everything to be OK between us, a good friend reminded me that the problem would never really go away -- no matter how many days or months he stayed clean.

 

My friend asked if I really wanted to have that "what if" thought in the back of my head all the time. What if he went back to it, what if I didn't know, what if I couldn't stop myself from wondering all the time, every time we were apart, what if I never felt secure, even when I had reason to be, what if I drove myself crazy trying to cope with HIS stuff......

 

It was a recipe for insanity, and my friend was right. As much as I loved the soul and spirit of the man, I didn't want to live like that.

 

And even though it was his decision to leave, it was the reality of what the future held with this man that made me stick to NC. I loved him, but not enough to ruin my own life.

 

I hope today brings you a little joy, and the strength you need to cope right now. You'll get there.

[yoko]

Thank you so much for your incredible support. I don't know how to use the quote feature.There was so much you said that I'd like to answer to. I'll try without it.

 

He and I haven't live together in over a year. I have had my own place, he lives in another town 45 minutes away and rarely came to my place. I usually went to his. So my home has been my home for awhile now. I found it hard to live alone, felt a little like I didn't even know what I liked or didn't like. I still am sorta like a fish out of water in that respect but I'm getting there.

 

You talked about me walking my dog and getting fresh air. That there was more to me than being with another man. That was so encouraging!!

 

You were correct when you talked about living with the what if. When we did live together before and during his short stints with sobriety, he would hide it from me when he eventually started to drink again.

 

All the things you wrote are so realistic, so clear and carry such value for me. I will read this when I feel less OK and use it to snap me back to reality instead of tripping down that fantasy path.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

He called last night to wish me goodnight. He said he missed me, he loved me. He was sober. I asked what was going on and he didn't even answer me. He just very quickly changed the subject to tell me about something he had seen on TV. It was strange. I didn't feel like I thought I would. I didn't "instantly" feel hopeful. I felt like he was confused. That maybe he did miss me and does love me, but at the same time has no intention of getting serious about his issues or our issues in a way that may "save" this relationship. It would only be more of the same.

 

You are so right. Even now I can't determine what he's thinking or feeling because most of what he does or says keeps me wondering, guessing about his state of mind and his intentions. It seems like he's always keeping some secret. I don't want to live like that.

 

Strange thing happened last night. My daughter called at midnight to tell me that she had been messaged on myspace by my third husband. We were together for 7 years and he was an alcoholic too. He was also a very intelligent, well read and talented man. My daughter and he got along very well and he was good to her. They were in plays together and had a good "father/daughter" relationship. I loved him deeply. At one point he decided to drink again and packed his bags and left. I haven't seen him since. About a year or so later I divorced him. That was almost 10 years ago. Since then he has called my mother and a friend of mine to locate me and they refused information. He related that he was sober at the time.

 

My daughter (26 yrs. old and doing well) was so excited she was crying. She has been searching for him for some time now. She considers him her Dad. Her biological Dad, my 1st husband is (you guessed it) an alcoholic and lives in Alaska drinking himself to death. He and I divorced when she was 6, he moved away and that was the end of her connection with him.

 

In the message he sent her he said he was still sober and living alone in her home state. She wants me to come back home, for us to get back together and live happily ever after. Stranger things have happened. But why now? I am so committed to developing my own life without a man and something from the past creeps up. It almost feels like I'm being tempted by some unseen force to remain in that old pattern. Sounds crazy I know.

 

Again, thank you so much. Your replies have been a huge help to me and I am so grateful to have found this site.

[PinkToes]

Ahh... what a gift! :-) The temptation of someone you once loved deeply, who may finally be ready to create a healthy relationship with you! Stranger things have happened.

 

But I think your take on the situation is absolutely the right way to look at things. You have a chance to move forward into your best self, or go back and try to create a different ending with someone who probably loves you for exactly who you are.

 

Here's the catch: The woman you are right now is growing and changing and on the edge of a rebirth of sorts. She isn't the same person she was yesterday, and she isn't who she will be when she comes into her own.

 

You're on a mission, of sorts. And this probably isn't a good time to slip back into something that's comfortable. Maybe later, when you're back on your feet. But not now.

 

After one of my many heartbreaks, I got into a rebound relationship with a guy who wanted to take care of me, and help me through it, and just be there with me through the tough times. It was comforting, for a short time. Meanwhile, I got stronger, and totally lost interst in this man. He seemed very weak to me all of a sudden, and not very invested in his own life.

 

I realized that the woman he was attracted to was a broken version of myself. It wasn't who I had been before the breakup, or the person I would become when I was back on my feet. It was like the weakest parts of us were attracted to each other. Not a good combination for the long haul.

 

I have a feeling you're going to pass this little test of your resolve, and keep moving forward. It would be great to re-establish contact with your ex-husband, when you're ready. But I think you've already decided not to jump back into things. Good for you! :-)

[yoko]

My daughter called. She had gotten a call from him and gave me his number. She said he was single. I called him and left a message this morning. It's 5pm and he just called her. He is doing wonderful, been sober for 4 yrs., bought a home and in a loving long term relationship. He specifically told my daughter he wanted no contact with me and was considering changing his ph number. She told him that wouldn't need to happen, that I wouldn't contact him. And that is true, I won't. I'm happy for him that he is happy. He told her he couldn't even be friends with me and didn't even ask how I was. He has moved on with his life and doesn't want anything from the past.

 

It hurt. Bad. I feel rejected for some reason. I wasn't looking at getting back together but I was hoping we could be friends.

 

My daughter felt really badly. Said she didn't want to tell me. Of course I told her I'd be fine, it was OK.

 

I feel terribly alone. This board is the only place I can talk about my feelings. The lonliness and despair is setting in again. I feel kinda sick to my stomach. It will pass. I have some work to do tomorrow and that will help, I'll get out for a bit.

 

I only work a day or two a week. I stay at home alone most of the time. I live well below poverty level and haven't the money to do much. I am isolated here.

 

Thank you for your response. I wanted to let you know that I ordered two books on love addiction and the process of personal growth/change. They should be here soon.

 

I really hate these lows. My ex (the one here) hasn't called today either. The phone has been silent except for my daughter calling. Thank you again, so much.

[PinkToes]

Ouch! Of course that would sting; I'm so sorry. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

Remember not to take any of this personally, it's his stuff that guides his behavior. Even though he seems to be doing well now, it's anyone's guess how he got there. Maybe he doesn't feel up to facing a past he isn't too proud of.

 

But I am sorry. Sending you warm hugs!

[yoko]

Thank you PinkToes. I do appreciate it. I'm gonna read a bit now and go to bed early. Tomorrow I work, so I think it's gonna be a better day.

 

I do take things personally. I always have. I beat myself up. Can't wait to get the books I ordered. It's up to me to change my life if I don't like it or if it's unsatifying to me. I feel like the information and guidance in the books will help a great deal. At least they will keep me on the road to recovery and help me learn to love myself in a way that I don't think I ever have. I am desperate now to learn how to do that rather than desperate for another relationship. That in itself is growth. Wow! I just said something good about myself. ****That's me patting myself on the back.

 

I'll be OK. Your support and advice and encouragement are invaluable to me right now. Can't thank you enough.

[PinkToes]

Honestly, doing what you're doing takes a ton of courage. You don't come across as messed up at all... oh dear, wasn't that an impressive choice of words ;-) But seriously, getting to where you are now could not have been easy, and to take on the sometimes intimidating idea of 'personal growth' when you'd probably rather hide under the covers is huge. Give yourself a ton of credit for that! You've earned it.

 

When you get a chance, look up "The Four Agreements" online. It's an amazing little book that talks about fairly simple ways of looking after yourself and living your best life. The intro talks a lot about how we sometimes take on beliefs or thoughts that can mess with our heads. I think you'd like it.

 

Now I'm gonna be checking in every day, OK? Not that you need it, just cuz I care. :-)

[yoko]

Please do check in everday. I do need it. And thank you for your compassion and empathy. It's exactly the support I need right now.

 

I have the Four Agreements. I have read it and I also have the companion to it, the workbook. It's sitting on my coffee table right now as a matter of fact. It's time I read it again. It's times like these that double doses of books like that and human interaction is vital. Too much time alone sends me into a place I sometimes find hard to come out of.

 

I am determined but impatient. I truly thought that by my age (51) most of this kind of thing would be behind me. I thought I'd be settled, secure and looking forward to visits with the grandkids. Then again, at 20 I looked forward to reaching 30. I thought that by 30 I'd have this life thing figured out. At 40 I was undergoing some pretty harsh treatment for breast cancer. I was sure life would be a snap after that. By my 50th birthday I had sold all of my belongings to attempt a move back home and circumstances forced me back to Texas where I am today. I started over from absolute scratch in a place I don't want to be.

 

I'm tired of it. I want some warm arms to hold me and tell me it's gonna be OK. I want a pleasant and loving home, friends and family, a full purpose filled life and at least 8 hours of sleep each night. That's what I want. But realistically what I need is to learn to be happy with what I've got and right now that's just me.

 

I'll say it again. This message board (you) is the only form of support I get. It's a life saver. My gratitude is constant.

[PinkToes]

You might be surprised at how similar our stories are. I've been in fewer relationships, but I have definitely struggled with the goals and setbacks and questions and "how did I get here??" confusion that comes with unwanted change.

 

I have to continually remind myself that where I am is where I belong -- for whatever unknown reason -- and what we're doing right now is life. I've been forced to accept (or try to accept) that I'm not just building toward some real life contentment that happens down the road.

 

It's a tough lesson, because so many external parts of life are things you work toward. The balance between creating the outside life and finding peace on the inside can be a challenge. Acceptance and ambition can pull you in opposite directions.

 

Meanwhile, you and I both struggle to understand why it can feel like we're doing the right thing and trying to follow our hearts and we still end up in the muck from time to time.

 

When we graduated from high school or college, we all had such big dreams. But honestly, when you look back, we've all still had victories in our lives; they just look a little different.

 

You have survived broken marriages, alcohol, cancer. You have survived every challenging day of your 51 years. You have found the courage, at this time in your life, to go on and keep trying and find your inner voice again. Those are the real accomplishments in life.

 

Believe me, I struggle too, when I look around and see a life that isn't what I expected. But we're still here, right? The past life that is sometimes filled with regret is also the life you have survived. It is the life that gave you the strength to keep going and refuse to give up.

 

And now, that life is the impetus toward finding yourself. In the end, you may very well take your last breath with an inner peace and contentment that would have never been possible with the life you thought you wanted. At least, that's my hope.... for both of us.

[yoko]

We're meeting for dinner tonight. We have some car business and financial stuff to deal with. I haven't talked with him all week except to arrange the time and place to meet. I'm nervous.

 

I have read 3 books, Additction to Love, The Art of Changing and Loving Him without Losing You. All of them had some really great information and have helped.

 

I have learned that I have been totally emotionally dependent on him/the relationship. I have learned also that a romantic relationship is not vital to living a whole and satisfying life. There is a lot of work I need to do on myself and it will take some time to change my mistaken beliefs about myself and relationships.

 

I'm nervous because I know I will want to ask every question. I will want to force him into answering me until I'm satisfied. At the same time I know this is unfair and unrealistic. I want to be able to just have dinner, talk about whatever and finish the business we have. I don't want to get emotional. It's probably too soon to do this but we do have real business to tend to. I guess I'll just let him lead the way. I'll eat, take care of the stuff we need to talk about and leave it at that. If he wants to tell me anything, he will. If he doesn't it won't do me or him any good to question him.

 

The bottom line is that I don't want the relationship the way it was but I do still love him. I have recognized my part and am working on that for my own well being. I don't know whether he's willing to do the same or not. If he is then I think it can be salvaged. If not, then I will continue with the work I need to do on myself to become emotionally secure and confident.

 

Of course I will have little break downs now and then but at least I don't feel desperate and I have some tools to use if it begins to feel that way again. Living alone and outside of a relationship can be difficult at times but it also has its perks. It's pretty much the same in a relationship, it can be just as difficult.

 

My depression over all this has been coming in waves. I try to stay busy but it's been a long week and I'm certainly fatigued. It's to be expected I'm sure. My sleep has been interupted seriously, only 2 -3 hours a night if I'm lucky. Then I journal or read or post here. The nights are always the toughest.

 

I hope I can stay realistic about this dinner and not try to read between the lines every time he speaks. I may just be opening a wound that is just now only beginning to heal ever so slightly. I'm vulnerable and it's going to be a challange for sure.

[PinkToes]

I've been thinking about you this week, wondering how you're doing. I know the week has been difficult, but you are this much closer to your healing and your new life. Your goal is clear, and that's a big plus. You're not trying to figure out how to get back with him, you're looking for ways to stay strong over the course of an evening. You can do it!

 

Your feelings may be churning up inside, but you can stay cool on the outside for one night. You may be looking at him and thinking about your love for him, you may be listening for the magic words that make everything OK. You may not be able to control your thoughts & feelings. But you can control your cool, distant, self-assured exterior.

 

Whatever he says, just take it all in; try not to react. Tell yourself you're just gathering information tonight. If you're tempted by nostalgia, start making a mental list of all the reasons it's better that you're apart.

 

Your goal for the evening is to get in, get out, and leave it behind. One day at a time.

 

To be perfectly honest, I still love the man who ended our engagement last year. But as time goes on, the list of things that would have to change for us to have another chance together gets longer and longer. That feels good to me now, that I know I wouldn't put up with the way things were. There is no way I could agree to giving us another chance without some fairly significant changes. That wasn't true at the beginning. You're getting there too.

 

You have new priorities in your life that don't revolve around him. That's awesome! This is just one more step toward the new you...... step around the man who's holding you back, and look ahead to your amazing future! :-)

[yoko]

Thank you for those very encouraging words. I am not trying to figure out a way to keep us together but occasionally I do fantasize about it. I think that may be natural given the circumstances. It's probably not at all healthy but at least I don't act on those thoughts.

 

It's just going to take time. I am so vulnerable that I hope he doesn't choose tonight to lower the boom and come right out with it. I just don't want or need to hear it anymore. I will instead just listen to what he does say. Like you said, gather information and move on.

 

He did say he wanted me to do his taxes. I had agreed to do them for him earlier and I'm going to honor my promise. Also he'll have to install the part for the car we need. So, I'll be seeing him again.

 

The car I have belongs to him. I own a car but it needs repaired and he promised to do it. I talked to him about a week or so ago to let him know I wanted to sell it. He again stopped me and told me he was going to fix it and that I could get double the price when it's repaired. So I think I'll give it another month or so. That should be more than enough time for him. In the meantime I have his car. I pay for general upkeep and also my share of the insurance. He is responsible for major repairs or part replacements. (Wasn't sure if I mentioned that or not.) My point is that we have some things that keep us somewhat attached.

 

He really could have had my car completed by now. He could get it finished very quickly, return it to me and get his car back. I wonder if he is putting it off to hold on to me somehow. His family is sure that is his motive. I have tried to find other mechanics to work on this car for me to no avail. It's a 1974 Volkswagon Beetle and he is an expert in that area.

 

With tomorrow being the dreaded Valentine's Day I'm sure the theme at the restaurant will be love, love, love. Kind of a cruel irony I think.

 

I'll post again tonight or tomorrow with a report regarding tonights dinner and how I managed myself.

 

Thank you again Pink Toes.

[PinkToes]

Honestly, you sound so strong to me; I hope you can feel it too. You sound like a woman on a mission; totally capable of handling every little bump along the way. Your approach to the car and the taxes sounds all business -- but not without a total understanding of the backdrop and the inevitable emotions.

 

I know it all hurts, and I'm not beyond occasional fantasies of being with my ex either. It's a crazy part of breaking up that the heart often lags so far behind the head.

 

Hey maybe the restaurant will be couples-free tonight, with the big event tomorrow! I had lunch with a girlfriend last week, and I very nearly ripped the foot off a hanging paper cupid. I think I may have followed through, if she hadn't grabbed my arm. ;-)

 

So tomorrow, what do you have planned to look after yourself? Most of the things you might wish a romantic partner would do are things you can do for yourself, right?

 

I bought myself a bunch of flowers, and I'm planning a nice, long bubble bath, with candles and music. Fixing a good dinner. And maybe a rocky road brownie. Honestly, I am SUCH a good boyfriend. ;-)

 

I'll be around tonight, if you get a chance to check in. Insomnia is one of my closest friends also.

 

Oh, one more thing. Do you remember the old song "Break My Stride" by Matthew Wilder? If so, try to keep that song in your head tonight.... "Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride.... nobody's gonna slow me down...."

 

Head up, shoulders back, you are an amazingly strong woman. You can do this!

[yoko]

You're the best Pink Toes.

 

I am right there with you when it comes to those paper Cupids. The hearts, the colors red and pink everywhere, too cute teddy bears with the bright red heart stiched on their bellys and oh God the candy! And all my favorite talk shows were doing a "LOVE" theme today. I read my book thank you.

 

You may be wondering why I'm posting so early when I'm supposed to be at dinner. He cancelled. Sick. He sounded awful. Apologized whole heartedly and tentatively rescheduled for Sunday afternoon. I was disapointed for about 10 minutes. Now I'm relieved. Sunday (if it happens) will be a much better time for me. I think an afternoon lunch is so much less formal and much easier for me to keep my cool in. Not to mention that Valentines Day will be thankfully past us. He is suggesting to come here instead of me driving over there. That's also a very good thing.

 

My plans for tomorrow are to go to a Love Addicts Anonymous meeting in a nearby town. I think it will be at least interesting. Since I read the book about it and have done even more reasearch on the internet I do believe that I am addicted. I believe that I always have been and I was unaware of the disorder.

 

According to my research, love addiction or attachment disorder or relationship addiction is primarily the result of rejection and abandoment by the mother. My mother left myself and my twin when we were 3. She abandoned my 8 yr. old brother and my sister and I in an apartment and just never came back. She has told me that she hated being pregnant with us, hated having twins and that is was the very worst time in her life. She has never once told me anything good about the experience except that she made our clothes and everyone thought that she was a great seamstress.

 

Our Dad got custody then married a woman he barely knew who was later diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. My first memory of her was when she told me that my own mother didn't love me enough to take care of me and that she was the only one who would. I can still remember thinking,"Oh no, she's right! I am not good enough to be treated like they love me. They don't love me because I am not lovable." I truly believed her and carried that with me all of my life. I am still there from time to time.

 

When I discovered romantic love with boys at 13 I thought I found the pot of gold. I was finally loved!! Well, each and every time since I was 13 it ended with them breaking up with me and I was so devistated that I became suicidal. I had friends in high school tell me that I was too needy and the men in my life broke it off because they said I was too dependent on them. Other than that they thought I was great. I was just totally emotionally dependent.

 

So I consider myself in recovery now. I was an infant, an innocent, lovable, precious child that just happened to be born to a sick and terribly unhappy woman. Not my fault. But the seeds planted grew for alot of years and I fed them well with many dysfunctional relationships.

 

Still...man! A knight in shining armor.....well, you know. That's one of those fantasies that ease the pain a little bit temporarily of course.

 

I'm off to the grocery to buy myself something almost sinful. I'll check in later.

 

Have heard that song you mentioned. I could hear it in my head while I read your lines. Made me smile. Thank you so much.

 

Please excuse any mispellings, I don't have the spell check download. My spelling ability has left me almost entirely for some reason.

 

Oh and have a wonderful day tomorrow which this world will be celebrating some saint they call Valentine.

[PinkToes]

Wow. My jaw dropped as I read what you've had to go through; what a painful start to a childhood that should have been nothing but carefree and safe and loving. I am so, so sorry.

 

A lot of people who have gone through much less have only a fraction of your insight and commitment to healing from within. You amaze me. Truly!

 

I'm glad the details of your meeting have changed, for all the reasons you describe. Much better. And yeah, hopefully all the red/pink/floral/cute/heart-shaped stuff will have disappeared by then. We're probably the lucky ones, you & me -- no pressure, no expectations!

 

OK except I gotta get another rocky road brownie. Something.... happened to the other one. Gremlins, maybe. At least that's my story. ;-)

[yoko]

Gremlins? You too? An entire bag of kettle cooked potato chips and a full pint of buttered pecan ice cream....gone. ;-)

 

This insomnia thing has gone too far. I'm waging war against this sleepless situation. Tonight I'm takin' out the big guns. I will be armed with my lavendar eye pillow, an extra potent cup of chamomile and maybe even some meditation music. Just before the battle begins I will prepare myself with a long, hot soak in the bathtub surrounded by candlelight. Insomnia be gone!

 

Oh how I wish it were 1971 when sleeping pills and valium were all the rage and the simple little pill delivered only good instead of the fear of addictive hell. Ignorance is bliss. I think I'm too exhausted to drive 30 miles to the meeting I wanted to go to today. I've had about 2-3 hours of sleep every 24 hrs. this past week and 1/2 or so. Not good. My body needs to restore and without sleep that's not happening. I go through this all the time lately. I'll have a period of sleeplessness, then all of a sudden I'll sleep very soundly for as long as 6 full hours. I wake up sore and stiff but definately rested. It's wonderful. I always slept like a baby with him. I do certainly miss that.

 

It's gray and damp here this morning. It will "burn off" as they say by noon or so. I am in Texas near San Antonio and the weather here is almost always sunny. I need the sunshine. I grew up in Illinois and moved here about 10 yrs ago for a man of course. THE ONE. Turned out he was only the ONE for about 4 yrs. Anyway I fell prey to Seasonal Affective Disorder each winter up there. The lack of sunshine and the intense cold did a number on my psyche to be sure.

 

I appreciate your comments about my beginnings in life. I have always found it most interesting how children who are loved well and nurtured properly usually grow to become the same type of loving parents as well and the cycle continues. It's the same with those who endure the lack of care generally and that's what I desperately wanted to avoid. Please understand that I have had many glorious moments in my life. Lots of happiness. For example, I've been in true love probably 50 times or more. How 'bout that for joy? ;-)

 

Well, it's time for me to escort my little 4 legged companion outside for his morning meeting with the outdoors. I live in a 3rd floor apartment and the trips up and down the 4 flights of stairs is one of the reasons I moved here. I thought it would provide much needed exercise on a regular basis without having to muster the motivation. Pretty clever don't ya think?

 

Valentines....bah, humbug! :-)

[PinkToes]

Just to be safe, I had to get two brownies today. I shouldn't have to do that, but the gremlins seem to be particularly fond of the little devils. Can't blame them, the brownies come from a little store on my street, and are absolutely amazing.

 

I'm feeling pretty good today, no additional V-Day sadness. Actually looking forward to the long, hot, scented bath. I'm kind of fixated on that at the moment, because I just recently scrubbed my tub for the first time in, maybe, ever. Routine cleaning is fine for a quick shower, but a long soak.... well, you know. Anyway I had forgotten how incredibly relaxing it is!

 

So your recent trouble with insomnia is because of the change in relationship status? Do you have trouble turning off your brain? I do. But 2-3 hours a night is brutal! I have touble getting to sleep and then I wake up a lot, but otherwise I'm OK. I hope your relaxing evening helps!

 

That family of origin stuff is such a huge factor in our adult lives, isn't it? I've dated a couple of men who were still struggling with something that had happened when they were very young -- and they seemed to be such small things.

 

One man had overheard his parents talking about divorce when he was about 4 years old, and unfortunately, the words he heard were, "if we get divorced, what will happen to Mike?"

 

Well you can imagine how much that would affect a small boy -- the words, "what will happen..." And he was too afraid to ask what they meant. Anyway he quickly because a total 'pleaser' and lost track of himself. Once when we went away for the weekend to celebrate his birthday, I told him we were only going to do things he enjoyed for that one day. And do you know, it was miserable for him. He spent the whole time trying to guess what I wanted, and then kept asking me, "are you sure this is OK?" Very sad!

 

In my case, my dad was kind of distant. So I've chosen men who were unavailable in some way, and tried to win them over. Certainly nothing like what you've gone through, but such an ineresting linkage, I think.

 

Yup, very smart to force yourself to take on the stairs! I've recently learned that books on tape really help pass the time when I'm out walking. Plus the distraction is good for my monkey brain. ;-)

 

So I'm off..... to stoll..... probably the opposite direction from the brownie store. And I'm taking the gremlins with me. If I can find them. :0

[yoko]

Well, it's a rough morning. He finally called back and isn't coming. He said he didn't want to give me what he's got. He's had this flu thing now for 2 weeks. We talked casually and there was a lull in the conversation and I said, "we're over aren't we?" And he blew up! He said,"why do you have to do that? Give me a break!" Then hung up. He was yelling. He was really mad at me.

 

He just will not discuss it at all. Friday he told me that he loved me and missed me and wanted to see me.

 

Why can't he just tell me what he is feeling? If he wants it over, then he could say, "Yes, it's over." But instead he just yells at me and acts like I'm crazy for asking.

 

So, so confused.

[PinkToes]

Hey there, I hope your day is getting better.

 

So this is today's mantra from The Four Agreements:

 

"Don't take anything personally."

 

I know that you know this. But it's easy to forget.

 

Everything he said and did is about HIM. The anger, the confusion. That's his stuff.

 

Your part is why you felt the need to ask what he wanted. What you want is to move on and live your best life. If that involves him, at some point in time, it will be on your terms. Now is definitely not a good time for you to be with him (or for him to be with you). Later, who knows. But not now.

 

So you really don't need his validation that it's over, or worse yet, his telling you that it isn't over. It really doesn't matter what he thinks.

 

You aren't responsible for his anger, and you didn't cause it. This is his stuff. 100%

 

I had an ex dump me over the phone once, and I was so surprised, I started asking questions. I was calm, if not in shock. But within a couple of minutes, he started yelling, "I'm done... I'm done.... I'm done...." and he hung up on me.

 

I never talked to him again. He may have tried to call me, I will never know. I thought that was a very cruel way to end things between us, and it hurt.

 

In hindsight, I believe he was angry with himself for hurting me. That's the story that made the most sense to me, because I had done nothing to incite his anger.

 

Neither have you. It's his stuff. You don't need to carry it around. You don't need to own it.

 

The only question you should ask yourself today is, why does it matter? And I think you already know the answer to that. It's your history. Past tense. You are moving beyond that now.

 

So try to let this go. I know it hurts. But it could be worse. You could be him. ;-)

[yoko]

Very good points - every single one. You are absolutely right. I know that when I am thinking with logic and reason. But sometimes, as you know, logic and reason disapear and I'm left with nothing but a lovesick heart. It happens and thanks to this forum and you I can get the support I need to get back to logic and reason.

 

What a cruel way to end things...I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I can see him saying that to me easily. I don't want to go there. I won't. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm so sorry for that pain you were in.

 

I went to a friends house today in a little town not far away. It was very nice. There was tea sipping, chip munching, dog play and cat play and a beautiful view of the hills from her front porch. And of course lots and lots of talking with a real live person. So good for me and for her. She offered support for me in the way of inviting me to call her whenever I think I have a "valid" reason to call him. We agreed that she and I could discuss it using reason and logic. She knows the entire history with he and I. I think it's going to be very beneficial for me. I offered her the same, if she needs to call for any reason of course. It's nice to know that I am not alone and I can call someone and say the most ridiculous things that come from the broken part of me and not be judged at all. A true gift.

 

I have decided that I will not contact him. He knows very well the situation with the cars. He knows everything and there is really no reason I need to talk to him at all. He of course can do his own taxes or go to someone who can. There is really nothing left at this point. Like you said, in the future - who knows. But for now we both need to stay away from each other.

 

I told my friend to question my motives, my true motives for calling him when I call her. I can wriggle it around and justify just about anything at this point. She will call me on it.

 

There is no easy way to do this. But that doesn't mean I can't be as wise as possible about it and keep from making it more painful for myself. If I call him I will be responsible for whatever the outcome is because I know what I know. Even though it is painful, it's the least painful thing to do. Contact with him will only add more pain, more confusion and frustration.

 

I need to stencil these words on the walls of my apartment. A reminder, just a subtle one.

 

Man - you, my friend in the nearby town, my daughter - I am truly blessed with the wisdom and understanding of wonderful women. I am ever grateful. Where would a girl be without her pals?

[PinkToes]

OK, you're still impressing me with the degree to which you're in touch with what's going on for you and what you need to do next -- even when it's difficult! I hope you're re-reading your words.

 

Now, I'm not sure where I heard this -- it may have been on this forum -- but it has served as a good reminder for me when I've thought about initiating contact with my ex-fiance. Realizing that the times I'm most tempted to break NC are also my weakest moments, I try to remember this:

 

"You can't get relief from your pain, from the source of that pain."

 

Hang in there, my strong and growing friend!

[yoko]

Thanks again, PinkToes. Love that quote. I was hanging on to that last night actually. I made a sign and posted it in a prominent place that says,"Choose Wisely". It reminds me that it's my choice, my responsibility. If I choose to do something that always ends in just more pain and I know that full well, then the pain is mine because I practically invited it.

 

Now what happened last night just blew my mind. I was allowed to enter my first online Love Addicts Anonymous meeting. Actually it's called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. It was great. There was an informal chat before the meeting and the meeting itself was informative and very supportive. Each time I spoke about my feelings, that "thing" that has been driving me my whole life, I got responses that were so encouraging and supportive. It felt much like my first AA meeting and I cried. It's overwhelming to be in an entire group of people who have been where you've been and lived through it and are willing to share their recovery with you. They meet 3 times a day every day. Good, very good stuff. Humanity deeply moves me, always just gets me right there - ya know?

 

Now here's the weird part. After the meeting I was feeling really weak. Wanted to call, wouldn't call, wanted to call, couldn't call. I was a little angry at myself wondering if my head was made of concrete or not. After all the support and information I received throughout the entire day, I was feeling so very tempted. I called my daughter instead, thinking my friend was asleep and it would probably pass anyway. Left a message on my daughters voice mail which she always returns immediately. The phone rang right away and you guessed it, it was HIM. I could barely speak. He wanted to talk. I listened. He's been ashamed, confused and very ill with this flu he's had for almost 3 weeks now. He told me that I didn't need him. I told him that it was up to me to decide what I needed or didn't need. Always has been, always will be. I used to say,"of course I need you!! I do!!" I went on to tell him that if the relationship were to be salvaged there was much work to be done for both of us. I told him that I needed time for myself to do what I needed to do for me and that his life was his business. I refused to discuss love or missing each other. He asked if he could see me when he was well again. I told him we could talk about it then and suggested he take good care of himself in the meantime. He was sober and seemed somewhat humble. It was the best conversation we've had in a long time. Wow. Wow. Sly dog? or the man inside the man who is damaged and afraid? It was not at all the same kind of discussion we used to have that was mostly about the apologies and the promises to never do it again and my forgiveness. It was more realistic and fact based. Felt good.

 

Afterwards I went to bed and slept for 5 hours straight. What's that say about the mind body connection?

 

Today I MUST write the oh so informative article about how parsley is much more than just a garnish. Exciting stuff.

 

Little Oz is about to have a serious breakdown if I don't get off of this thing and take him outside. Have a great day my friend and I want you to know that your support and encouragment has meant more to me than I can say. There are no words that I can put together to accurately describe my gratitude.