ArtAsylumBoy Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I was in your situation a few years ago. My wife (who was just my girlfriend at the time) was spending nights at her friend's house to help out with her friend's new baby. She'd call and tell me she was going to be back by ten, but wouldn't show up until 2 or 3 am. She'd be drunk when she finally did show up. Then there were the nights she just never came back at all. The next day, she'd tell me that she was too wasted and stayed at her friend's. Here we are, five years later, she tells me that there were a lot of nights she was drinking with her old friends. One of which was an old boyfriend. As if that wasn't bad enough, she was sleeping with another guy from the same town, but a different social circle. I only found out about this a few weeks ago. So while it's old news to her, it might as well have just happened as far as I'm concerned. I know how you feel. The frustration of having no one's version but hers, and you know you can't fully trust it. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I know it sounds screwed up, but I would. That way, I can tell her the things I should've told her five years ago. Your girlfriend needs to understand that if she kisses someone without you giving her permission to, it's cheating. Simple as that. She also needs to understand that brushing you and your kid off so she can drink with people you don't know, isn't a luxury she gets to have anymore. Not without you. You're not out of line to set up some ground rules. She's the one spitting in your face. I know how tough it is. My wife and I used to be the party types, but when you have kids, that **** has to take a back seat. I'm not saying don't go nuts, but you need to get a sitter and go nuts together. Do you think she'd be ok with you taking off for hours on end and hanging out with other girls?
Author aeren944 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks, again, for all the replies. ArtAsylumBoy, thanks for your advice. I feel like you know exactly where I'm coming from, and I'm sorry about your situation, too. I don't know what I'd do if I were you... She hasn't asked, actually, in a couple of days, so that's good. It actually seems like things are getting back to normal. It's now just the trust thing. I basically told her exactly what's already been said on here... and she knows that it's not up to me to be her boss or her dad. I don't know... I feel better... but I'm trying not to be so eager to forgive and forget, cuz I definately don't want to be blindsided, and I have a tendancy to try to be anti-confrontational and push those things away. So, I'm trying not to be foolish about it and too trusting. Anyway, it's better, but I feel like I'm just waiting around at the moment.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I've been with my GF for about 5 years, and we've got 2 kids. I don't really know where to begin, but I might as well start by getting right to my problem. It all started happening about 2 weeks ago. She went out with friends, and got drunk, and didn't come home until after 4 AM. You should have locked her ass out. Thats unacceptable. I can vouche that no good can come from a SO staying out way past the bar closing time. She was very drunk and told me she'd get up with the kids and take our daughter to school. She didn't wake up and forced me to get up with the kids. Even after I took my daughter to school and fed my son, she wouldn't get up and told me she was too hungover. I was pretty upset, and she promised she wouldn't do it again. Thats when you should have cranked up some loud music. Three days later, she was out late, and I called her to see what was up. She said she was at a friend's house and she would be home soon. She ended up coming home at around 2 AM, drunk, and had smoked some pot there as well, which is something both of us had sworn to give up a little before our daughter was born 5 years ago. You think she is cheating? I bet you anything she is. Been there and done that with the late night thing. It happened again last night, and she didn't get home until 2 AM again. I was already asleep, since I was trying not to freak out or be upset about it, so I didn't know if she was drunk or not. It's really getting to me. She keeps telling me she's sorry and that she misses me, but I'm the one waiting for her at home while she goes out to get drunk and have fun. I feel like either she's taking advantage of me She is taking advantage of you, and I bet you anything she has cheated. She needs to act like a wife and mother or she doesn't need to be either one. Last night, she didn't even call to let me know she'd be out. I talked to her before she got off work, and asked her if she was coming home, and she said she was. But she didn't call at all, and was out until 2 AM. She gets off work at 9 PM. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm stuck and I need some advice or help. I can provide any more info if you need it, I just need some advice because I'm kind of freaking out. You need to find a babysitter, and find out where she is and see what she is doing. Or if you have a friend that she doesn't know....have him follow her and find out what she is doing. I'd do it if I was one of your buds.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 She needs to come home some night and find you and your children GONE. I'd put the fear into her. Go stay at your parents, a friend, a hotel....don't answer the phone when she calls after being out, and more than likely with another guy.
MSUE Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You know what MR. D. Morgan agree 110% aeren give her a taste of the reality she is facing due to her careless and reckless behavior. and btw I could care less about her asking for permission or not...she's still doing it and its been a going on for a while now...for the SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!! DO SOMETHING NOW
Author aeren944 Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Alright, so quick update... Things were going alright for a while, after she promised to not drink and not go out for very long any more... until last night. Last night, I got home from work and she said she was going out. I was pretty pissed cuz this is exactly what I'd been over with with her before. Anyway, we got in a big fight, and I ended up taking her phone, since I felt like that was the only way I could get her attention. She was really mad and started pushing me, and kind of freaking out. I was pretty surprised that I got to her so bad. Anyway, she left and was out until 7 AM. Basically, she never came home. Now she's saying that we can make it through this and that we can do it, we just have to work on it. But, I'm done. I'm done hurting, and worrying about where she is or what she's doing. I'm completely fed up and it seems like no matter what she says, she's just lying to me. I finally told her to get out. I also told her that if she didn't get out, I would. It's time to stop worrying. This pain is bull****, and I don't need to deal with it. It wasn't me that wrecked this thing, it was two weeks of stupid irresponsibility. It sucks that a nearly 7 year relationship can end like this, but I've gotta take a stand and get out. I don't want to end up like some poor married guy who regrets his decisions. Anyway... that's that, I guess.
Bryanp Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 You are doing the correct thing. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes about her total lack of respect for you and your relationship. Not even bothering to come home says it all. You are very lucky that you did not marry her. I wish you luck.
ArtAsylumBoy Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I'm sorry it has to end, but at the same time, I'm happy to hear you're ending it. She's made it clear that she has nothing invested in your relationship or else she would've chipped in by now. The last thing you want is to be walking on eggshells with her for the rest of your life when you could be with a girl who actually enjoys your company and wants to spend all her free time with you. But the feelings something like this brings up just flat out suck and they're going to be bad for a while. But one day, you're going to wake up and go through the entire day without thinking about her even once. I just hope you can heal quicker after washing your hands of her. I wish you the best man. It's only temporary. Focus on your kids. Make them your priority. They need to know that you will be there for them. Take care of yourself. Go do something you've always wanted to. Hit the Gym, hang out with friends, catch up on your reading. Get back all the esteem and confidence you deserve. Then go find a girl who'll want no one but you.
lostsunsets Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 She made her choice. Now stick to your guns. She is going to be begging and pleading, that she'll change. Please continue to update us and let us know how you're doing.
Author aeren944 Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 Thanks so much for replying again... I don't think I can thank anyone enough. Well, she had to go out of town to visit family, and she took the kids, but she's coming back tonight. By the way, I know she was with her family, because I know her family, and I verified it... Anyway, so she's coming back tonight and wants to talk about it. I think you're right, lostsunsets, because she's trying to ease me back. She's saying really great sounding things like, "I only want to be with you..." and "This isn't worth losing you..." but I find myself just not believing her. It's like everything else she's told me so far... that she'll change... that she knows it's her fault and she's sorry... It all sounds really good or that she really loves me, but like you guys said, actions speak much louder than words. I feel like she hasn't proven anything except that she's not to be trusted, and that she can't settle down and commit to growing our future. Honestly, I feel really torn, and keep asking myself if I've done the right thing, but I just need to focus on myself and forgetting all this crap. The main thing that empowers me is that I don't have to worry about if she's cheating on me or whatever. I don't have to be worried about her decisions or choices, because I don't feel like I'm looking after her or anything. It's kind of a really liberating feeling, if that makes any sense at all. Anyway, she's planning on coming back tonight, because my daughter has to go to school tomorrow morning, and she wants to talk about it. I know, I know... she wanted to talk about it before, like countless times, and it never got anywhere. I'm hoping that I actually can stick to my guns and realize that it will be so much better when I can put all this behind me. I have a feeling that talking to her face-to-face is going to shake me a little bit and make me dread giving her up... but I just need to remind myself how free I'll be and how I'll no longer be wasting my time, my life, or my worry on her. She made her choices, spoke with her actions, and taken advantage of me, thereby spitting in my face. Am I being too unfeeling if I think that? Like I'm not ready to go through anymore pain due to all of that, even if she truely wants to change. I feel like I gave her enough chances, and I'm out of energy and determination to try and fix this relationship by myself.
lostsunsets Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 She was out to 7:00 the morning after your fight. She didn't call you (she couldn't barrow somebodies phone?). Did she sleep with the girl she made out with? Where did she sleep? It wasn't about getting a drink, she could have had a drink with you. It was about seeing someone. Who? Getting her to answer these questions will steel your resolve. Even if you have to mislead her by saying you want the whole truth before you decide. You need to know so that a month or 2 months from now, when she calls you or shows up and says she has changed, you will know the truth.
Author aeren944 Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 Well, it was a pretty bad fight, with the phone thing and everything... I mean, she was shoving me and basically ready to get in a fist fight. But she went out and hung out with a friend, but when she came home, she wasn't drunk at all. She went out for so long because she didn't want to be around me after that huge fight. I basically freaked out, cuz it was exactly what I'd been fighting to fix, and she was just doing it. Anyway, so she went out, hung out with her friend, and came back at 7 AM, so that I could go to work at 8. She wasn't drunk or hungover, and she actually took care of the kids and talked with me calmly for a second, which was good. So, I'm almost positive she didn't cheat or drink, but, of course, I don't have any solid proof... but that's my gut feeling. Also, I'd love to drink with her, but due to all this fighting, things have the potential to get ugly when we drink together... and especially since I'm telling her that she needs to cut back on the drinking, I don't want to enable her by drinking with her.
lostsunsets Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Her friend is the one she made out with, correct? You need to press her for a time line and the truth. She may want to bear her soul to clear the air. Does it sound plausible that they didn't drink, but sat up all night talking with nothing physical happening?
Author aeren944 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 No, she didn't make out with her friend. She made out with some girl at another friend's house, not this one's. To tell you the truth, it doesn't seem plausible that they stayed up all night talking, but I can definately tell that she wasn't drunk or hungover when she came home in the morning. She could have just been trying to clear her head after that fight. That was really unlike her, shoving me and screaming at me... and honestly, it was pretty unlike me to take her phone and not give it back. But she freaked out, and it seemed like she wanted me to hit her and it just pissed her off more that I was staying calm and holding onto her phone, and just kept telling her, "Go." Instead of swinging at her or something. She was very much freaking out and stuff... so I think she was probably recuperating from that. She may have drank, but it definately wasn't enough to cause a hangover, since I'm 99.9% sure that she did not have a hangover the next morning.
lostsunsets Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 So confront her when you talk with her. Tell her you think it isn't plausible that she stays up all night not drinking and then shows up at 7:00 in the morning. Tell her "you know exactly what I would think. Now explain the time line. If you weren't drinking, there would be no reason why you couldn't remember who was there and what you did."
princess Linda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 i didn't read all of the replies.. but my feelings/thoughts are this: i don't know if she's still going out or not but if she is.. then try asking her when you're with her when she's not hungover (maybe try catching her b4 she goes to work) -ask her if she's stressed out & if there's anything you can do for her. ask her if she'd like to go on an adventure with you on one of her days off. (then be sure to follow thru with a fun plan -maybe get a babysitter, then take her out to a fun comedy show or play or movies and a nice dinner afterwards.. have a couple drinks with her* and if you don't drink then have fun non-alcoholic beverages and after dinner if it's nice out maybe driver around town & talk to her.. -reconnect & walk around holding hands- just be in to her like you are).. sometimes all it takes is a little extra attention... women like to be romanced -no matter what they say* and sometimes the romance goes out the window if they have to ask for it. --if this is too much for you then AT LEAST buy her a dozen pink roses & show up at her work on her lunch break and give them to her.. or do something similar* just straight up start doing DIFFERENT things TOGETHER... this is sure to work.. if worse comes to worse go out with her at night if and keep an eye on her *if you can't get a babysitter than find community events that involve the whole family & just get excited about doing things with her -whatever it is.. & i bet she will be equally excited. hopefully this will work* good luck!
princess Linda Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 oh! also if you can't get a babysitter then maybe you can have her invite some friends over for a fun adult game night.. buy board games & have a little wine & food & talk & get to know old friends & new friends w/ her.. that might be fun for her?!
nicki Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Maybe it is too late for the trying to connect thing by going out together? I think she has completely severed the relationship by her actions. Did you ever think she went nuts over you taking her phone because there was evidence on the phone she didn't want you to see. I'll bet there was. I was once in a relationship with an alcoholic who acted like her. It doesn't matter what THEY want. You need to take control and stop giving her the circumstances to behave badly. That means no living together. You don't need to be waiting up for her when she's been out doing whatever. And she's not allowed to take the kids when she's been drinking or acting in an irresponsible manner. Seriously, you need to speak to an lawyer to secure your rights as a dad, maybe even getting sole custody....She's not fit. Don't have some long talk with her tomorrow. Sound like a broken record when you speak to her. "It's over. You are free to do what you want, but I will not support you in any unhealthy behavior. Get out." Stay strong. You are being a good, healthy role model for your children. They are going to need it.
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