aeren944 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I've been with my GF for about 5 years, and we've got 2 kids. I don't really know where to begin, but I might as well start by getting right to my problem. It all started happening about 2 weeks ago. She went out with friends, and got drunk, and didn't come home until after 4 AM. She was very drunk and told me she'd get up with the kids and take our daughter to school. She didn't wake up and forced me to get up with the kids. Even after I took my daughter to school and fed my son, she wouldn't get up and told me she was too hungover. I was pretty upset, and she promised she wouldn't do it again. Three days later, she was out late, and I called her to see what was up. She said she was at a friend's house and she would be home soon. She ended up coming home at around 2 AM, drunk, and had smoked some pot there as well, which is something both of us had sworn to give up a little before our daughter was born 5 years ago. I was pretty upset about it again, since she'd told me that it wouldn't happen again. She didn't even call me to tell me where she was... I had to call her. It happened again last night, and she didn't get home until 2 AM again. I was already asleep, since I was trying not to freak out or be upset about it, so I didn't know if she was drunk or not. It's really getting to me. She keeps telling me she's sorry and that she misses me, but I'm the one waiting for her at home while she goes out to get drunk and have fun. I feel like either she's taking advantage of me, or she's just telling me she misses me so I try to feel guilty. I'm being torn apart from the inside, and it feels like I'm the only responsible one, taking care of our kids, and waiting up for her. Last night, she didn't even call to let me know she'd be out. I talked to her before she got off work, and asked her if she was coming home, and she said she was. But she didn't call at all, and was out until 2 AM. She gets off work at 9 PM. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm stuck and I need some advice or help. I can provide any more info if you need it, I just need some advice because I'm kind of freaking out.
MSUE Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going trough this...did anything change in the time leading up to her binge drink nights? Is she an alcoholic or has she had problems in the past w alcohol a/or drugs? you both swore not to smoke pot since your daughters birth? what was the habit like in the past? Figuring out what triggered this unhealthy behavior is where you start...this is not normal behavior and should be addressed immediately. Can you trust her drunk wasted stoned ass with your children? you need to address it with her when she is sober...show up at her job for lunch...catc her in the middle of the day when she is least likely to be intoxicated and express your concern...not only for her but your children. ALCOHOLISM...it's what this all points to..most people need help to get better a/or back to normal. Is she driving herself home wasted? how old is the baby? could it be Post Partum depression? does she have a history of substance abuse? history of mental illness? whether its her or in the family? anything changed between you 2 recently? sex life? financial stress? anything? there is always a trigger always always...but figuring it out its not an easy task...she might need professional help...I really think she does...
Author aeren944 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Hi MSUE, thank you SO much for responding. The only thing that had changed, that I'm aware of, is she met a few more people at work and basically made more friends. She's a very social person, so she thrives when she goes out with friends or in a social setting. Yes, both of us have had a problem with drugs in the past. Our substance abuse was pretty heavy before we had our daughter. Basically, we met, kept doing drugs, and finally slowed down and stopped when we found out she was pregnant. I smoked a lot of pot back then, but we both swore not to do it again when she got pregnant. No, I definately don't want to trust her with our kids when she's drunk or stoned, but I think that's why she does it at night, since the kids are in bed, and I'm home with them. She is driving herself home wasted, which worries me, and I've brought that up with her. I don't want her to be arrested and I have to tell my kids that mom's not coming home for a while because she got in trouble. Our son is 16 months old, so over a year. I don't think it's any kind of post partum depression, since she's been normal and happy, and our son is so old. Like I said before, nothing has changed between us recently. Finances are the same, which is good, and our sex life has not changed. Our sex life dropped off quite a bit after having our son, but we both chalk that up to the kids. I've been wanting more sex, and her sex drive has been low for a while, but I don't feel like I'm pressuring her at all. She seems normal and happy during the day, but it's almost like she turns into a different person after work at night. She says I knew she went out and liked to have fun when we got together, and I shouldn't try to change that now. But, I feel like she's trying to force me to feel guilty and deflecting the real issue here. I talked to her today, and again, she said she's sorry and that it's all her fault and that she wants to talk about it. I don't know how much I can trust that now, because of what happened earlier. Part of me feels like it's the type of people she's hanging out with, but another part of me feels like she wants to have another life instead of the one she's got with me. I feel like I'm needy or something, since I want her to come home and hang out with me, and it sucks that she doesn't. There's nothing wrong with wanting her to spend time with me, her boyfriend, her kids' father, I don't think. Yet, I feel like I'm being too needy or clingy. My brain's in all these different places. Sorry, again, for being so long.
norajane Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 It could be something like she hasn't been going out much all these years, and when she got a taste of it, she realized how much she missed having free time to be out with people and letting loose. Or it could be she went out and found that all these guys were flirting with her and she really liked the feeling, after having been mommy all this time. OR she could have met someone special who's been flirting. I'd suggest talking to her and trying to understand what she's been feeling and why this is so compelling to her right now. Maybe you two can reach a compromise where she agrees not to go out after work but you get a sitter and go out together on Friday nights with or without her friends. That way both of you get a little freedom and fun, without jeopardizing your relationship.
Author aeren944 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I think that's partly the case, norajane. I think she has missed not going out so much. However, for the past 5 or 6 months, she's been going out (not as much as now) and hanging out with friends. She plays volleyball every Wednesday, and she brought friends over quite a few times. We used to have friends that lived near us, so she'd go over there and hang out a lot too. However, it seems like the drinking is definately a factor now. Also, she doesn't even call me to tell me what's up, so I can't tell.
MSUE Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 or it could be plain and simple she relapsed into that old lifestyle....obviously this is what happened...it also could be something like bipolar disorder...look into mania...the bottom line is she needs help this is no joke specially when there all children involved...she's still drunk in the am if she comes home at 2 3 and 4 in the am. Her jdgement its still impaired she might look or sound better but....she's not. Many years ago when I was married I did what your wife did and then more... I was an alcoholic and suffered from hypo-mania...my drug use was out of control too..... It took a lot of help to smile today and handle life again but in a different way.... Your wife needs help...she will deny it and will just telll you oh I'm just having fun or just a drink be home after and never calll or come back till the morning after....or worse yet...she in a drunken stoned wasted state may never come back home at all...something heaven forbid can happen to her while hanging intoxicated with all her new friends...
Author aeren944 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Honestly, I don't think she has any kind of psychological issues, but of course, I'm not at all trained to make those decisions. The more I think about it, it seems like she does have a problem, and I can see her falling back into that, I guess. I'm worried because I'm not sure how to approach her about that. Honestly, I already know she's going to flip out or blow it off, and there's not much I can do to show her what's going on, or why I think it's a problem. I was thinking about it today, and I can see how easily it would be to fall back into that. I can already feel the urge because she's doing it, and my body tells me I should get to do it, too. It's kind of scary, in a way, because I don't want to fall back into that useless lifestyle, especially when I have kids that need me. The real issue, I think, though, is not entirely about the kids. I think it's kind of a trust issue between me and her. I honestly don't think she's cheating on me, but I've wrecked a number of relationships in my past due to my jealous nature. I hadn't even thought about her cheating until just now. She very well COULD be cheating on me, and I'm sitting here worried that she's going to get pulled over or something. Now my head's going in all different directions. I've just felt sick and helpless today. I feel like I'm trying so hard to keep everything bottled up inside so I don't freak out at her, or make the situation worse. She says she wants to talk, but, again, she says she's going out tonight. I already have a strong suspicion that she won't be home by the time I go to bed. Should I worry if she's cheating on me? I really don't think she is, but I've never caught anyone cheating on me before... so I don't know if I'd see it coming. She says she loves me, and that she misses me when she's out, but that could be a lie, just like the other times. I'm pretty depressed, and I feel really helpless. She told me she wants to talk about "her issues" soon, so I guess I just need to wait for that. I just feel like I'm not going to believe her, or that it's not going to help...
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 She is or has had sex with someone. She is eaten up with guilt and she doesn't know what to say. She is completely lost. She knows if she tells you she could lose you. It is not that she is getting hit on. She fell the first night and is now trying to cover up the pain. She may still be having sex. But its not because she is in love with anyone. She is just trying to make the pain go away. She is waiting to be confronted. And is waiting for you to do it so she can confess. She is in a shame spiral. And does not know how to get out. No one changes so completely in a two week period. Tell her you are taking the kids and leaving her. She will confess. The question is......what are you going to do then?
lkjh Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You need to sit her down and let her know that this will not fly. Tell her if she keeps doing this, she needs to find somewhere else to live. Stop it before it gets worse.
Author aeren944 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Well, I talked with her last night... waited until she finally got home at 3:30 and asked her about her "issues". She said she made out with someone the other night and she did it because she doesn't feel attractive. It sucks, and I took it maybe too hard or something. I believe her, and in the fact that it was a make out session and not sex. Basically, because she was and is on her period. But I dunno. The question is, now what? Obviously, she wants more passion in our relationship. But making out with someone else just pushes me away. Now that I look at our relationship, though, it seems like there's different reasons that our passion has waned... one, being that she wants to go hang out with other people instead of me. Two because we have kids and they take up so much of our time and energy. I'm a bit betterthis morning, but pretty upset about it, and about the whole thing. Do I just deal with it and try working on the passion? Or am I a fool for sticking around? Thanks, again, everybody. This is really helping me to put some perspective on it.
mark982 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 just cause she's on her period, doesn't mean she can't cheat. which she did by making out. you really don't believe that's ALL their doing, do you. better get to the bottom of this real quick, follow her, check cell phone records, etc. that she didn't feel good looking response is just a load of crap.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You don't go on a 2 week bender because you made out with someone. This is called trickle truth. You are kidding yourself. If she only made out there is a good chance you will forgive her because she was drunk. But she knows it would be next to impossible to forgive her for screwing some guy(s). Do you have any of her underwear from those nights. You need to do a semen test on them immediately. Go and grab as many pairs out of the dirty wash as you can. Unless you don't want to know the truth. Did you ever think she would like to have it while on her period because she couldn't get pregnant.
MSUE Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Hi, Happy to hear you are doing better today...I'm concerned about u being tempted to go back to that lifestyle...weigh in your pros and cons...its not worth it. Her "making out" whether there was intercourse or not is cheating...She did cheat on you and I'm sorry...but in any given case she has a major problem going on...this is not a one nigh i partied to much kinda deal this is going on and on since the first night the part that concerns me its that she doesn't seem to have slowed down or cut it out all together... I f you don't put a stop to it...its only going to get worse and worse...and it is very possible that she might be clinically depressed or in some state of mania...that's just my take based on my own experience and behavior. she has a problem...and the sooner you address it the better the outcome will be...you also have some thinking to do about this making out ordeal...and I agree w mark...having her periond means nothing as far as having sex goes
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You don't go on a 2 week bender because you made out with someone. This is called trickle truth. You are kidding yourself. If she only made out there is a good chance you will forgive her because she was drunk. But she knows it would be next to impossible to forgive her for that. Do you have any of her underwear from those nights. You need to do a semen test on them immediately. Go and grab as many pairs out of the dirty wash as you can. Unless you don't want to know the truth. In fact all you have to do is take her panties an tell her you are gonna test them. She will fess up I wager.
Author aeren944 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Okay, I need to be a bit clearer, since I left out some important stuff this morning. The person she made out with was a girl. She experimented with bi-sexuality earlier on, and then found me, but she still has numerous lesbian friends and whatnot. That's another reason I don't think she's had sex. Of course, I don't know that it was a girl, but I think she's telling me the truth about that. The problem with me is that I let people walk on me. So, part of me is tired of this and just wants to resolve the issue, but another part of me thinks that it possibly could be more than just a makeout session. Either way, I feel like she blames me for HER making out, and expects me to get over it, since it was because of my not saying she's attractive enough that she made out. I don't think that's fair at all. She said she knows what she did was wrong, but she still makes an effort to project the guilt onto me. I feel like I'm a doormat, and she's taking advantage of me that I have that kind of personality. Even today, she tells me to "love her", which means she wants to cuddle or something, but I'm just not into it... I feel really pissed off about the whole making out thing. And she makes me feel like it's wrong to be pissed off about it, which I know is bull****. I just feel like I'm being a fool. Like I need someone to kick me in the ass and say I'm good enough to leave her, or something. I do love her, very much. I'd even say I'm addicted to her, since that seems more fitting. I don't want to lose my kids or have her blame everything on me, like I made her feel unattractive. And I feel like I have no ammunition to fight this battle. BAsically, I'm really down on myself. I want this to work between us, but this thing has totally made me put everything in question. There's stuff in this relationship that I need, as well. She doesn't talk to me about our relationship, because she assumes if everything's okay with her, everything will be fine with me. There's a lot more going on, a lot more issues that are present here, I think. I don't have any more details about the makeout, yet. I've been kinda off this morning and haven't been thinking clearly. If it happened recently, I can't test the panties, because we've already done the wash. Do I even work on the passion in this relationship? Or do I make her work for that love that she wants? Or do I give up and start over? Part of me wants to get her back for that... to make her feel what I've felt... I don't know. I feel so pissed and torn.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 she is a narcissist. It's all about her. Cheating is cheating. Dump her. You deserve an equal partner who will love only you. You will be able to keep the kids. She is going to want to party big time. And kids will cramp her and her lesbian friends style.
MSUE Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 well apparently someway somehow even though you are venting and upset you seemed to have convinced yourself its ok...she didn't cheat cause it was a girl mentality?!? she cheated thats the bottom line and her behavior of lil rockstar its not improving by any means...yes she is walking all over you because you are enabling the bahavior by not putting your feet down and she is not being the mother she should be and can be cause she is too busy partying and being hungover...don't you see there's a lot wrong here??????? your lil girl is not that lil trust me she sees and feels this as well....do something and stop this right now...
Author aeren944 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 You're right, MSUE. I need to do something now. Already, she's acting as if it's not a big deal, or as if I'm messed up for even bringing it up. Today, I asked her for more details, and she said, "I just wanna move on; it's in the past..." So, obviously, its stupid of me to keep pushing her. You're right, and I'm right, I'm letting her enable me, and that's wrong. Honestly, I'm scared of losing her. Like I said, I'm addicted to her... which is the best term I can come up with. It's like being addicted to cigarettes... you know it's going to kill you, but you love the feeling so much. I feel like that's where I'm at. I'm actually very much self-medicating tonight... I'm drinking, and trying to push all of this away. I know you said to weigh the pros and cons... and I'm trying to do that... but it seems like I don't care, or I've lost the will to put any weight into the pros. I feel bad, and it's all I can do to escape from this stupid pain. Of course, I feel dumb doing this, but at least she's home and rinking with me, I figure. At least now, I can keep an eye on her. I don't know if I'm kidding myself. I honestly don't know what I'm doing right now. I feel like I'm putting all this out there for some kind of stupid attention, and I know I'm not. I feel like I'm just trying to put everything that's happened in these 2 weeks into perspective. I'm a doormat, and I'm unable to grip things with any kind of certainty. IT's like I need reinforcement everytime I make a decision. Anyway, that's where I'm at now... We had sex last night, and it was great... great for her, too. It was no bull****. So, that's good... but it sucks that it took this to bring that out of us. I dunno if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. Thank you so much for the replies... it's pretty much the only thing I've got right now. I'm sorry you have to listen to me drone on, or be indecisive. Hopefully, I'll grab my heart and find the courage somewhere.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Time to up the ante. Tell her you were thinking about it, and that she obviously wants an open relationship. See what her response is. If she is up for it. Dump her. If not. Press her on it. And say that you would rather open it up so that you could get some distance from her emotionally. Kind of build a callous. Tell her that this will help you move on. See how she responds to it. I think she will lose it. When she does. Tell her that the next time she say's its in the past and she wants to move on and trivialize your feelings. You will be happy to cheat so she can better identify with your pain. BOTH OF YOU QUIT THE F$^#@G DRINKING. SHE GETS LOOSE WHEN SHE DRINKS AND YOU GET DEPRESSED. TRY TO HAVE A NORMAL FRIGGING LIFE. LOVING EACH OTHER.
MSUE Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Drinking is only going to help while you are drinking...it doesn't make the problem go away...and you are letting her drag you to a place that its not healthy for you and your children...why do you allow yourself to be a doormat? is it insecurity? self esteem? or the fear of not being able to find a woman again of her caliber or like her again? at least the caliber she was before this nightmare? what's going on in your head? here's a good question too...did she need to get drunk to bang? seriously lets break this down differently. I want you to tell me your pros and cons about this situation and don't be sorry I'm happy to help...your story touched me in some sort of random way...
Author aeren944 Posted February 14, 2009 Author Posted February 14, 2009 Sorry it's taken so long to update... Honestly, I think the reason I'm a doormat is insecurity and self-esteem. I've pretty much always been like that. I feel like I shouldn't have to be her father and tell her what she can and can't do. She should be old enough to do that now. No, she doesn't need to get drunk to have sex, but it helps, apparently. She seems to only really be in the mood when she's been drinking. Although, there have been times when that's not the case. I don't have much time tonight. I gave her an ultimatum the other day... either change and be here for me and the kids, or I'm out and taking the kids with me. She finally saw it my way, but now she keeps asking me if she can go out... like trying to break me down to where I'll finally say yes. At least she's asking, but it still pisses me off, and I'm wondering why she even asks. That's the story thusfar... And I haven't drank since the last post, so I guess that's good. Even though it's been hell on my emotions and nerves...
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 OK, it seems like she feels cheating with a woman isn't a big deal. IT IS A BIG DEAL! Cheating is cheating, whether it be with a man or a woman, she is being unfaithful to you. She's also acting like a young teen, forgetting that she has 2 children and a responsibility to you. You're not her father, so don't let this fall into a parent/child relationship..It'll KILL all the feelings, for both of you. Is she willing to do counselling with you?
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 . I gave her an ultimatum the other day... either change and be here for me and the kids, or I'm out and taking the kids with me. She finally saw it my way, but now she keeps asking me if she can go out... like trying to break me down to where I'll finally say yes. At least she's asking, but it still pisses me off, and I'm wondering why she even asks. Say NO. She hasn't earned your trust to go off on her own at night. Instead, plan a family outing for ALL of you to go somewhere together. She doesn't need to go off with her bi sexual friends and do whatever..
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Aeren, I am glad to hear one of you is not drinking, for the kids sake. About her constantly asking to go out. Tell her she just doesn't seem to undertand. You are not her jailer. You told her what you can and can't take in your relationship. She doesn't need to ask you to go out. She needs to know that if thats the life you want its yours. But if she keeps asking, this just means you want different things. There are choices made everyday that effect the rest of your life. Tell her that her continuing to ask if she can go out, means that she is not happy here. That will only cause her to be angry and bitter about feeling controlled. You can't live that way either, by denying her the life she wants. Tell her if you want to party and go make love to women, that you won't stand in her way. Tell her you love her and will start to make arrangements for you and the kids. Tell her your sad but not angry. Tell her you hope she sees the kids all the time. But she can't have both lives.
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