sweetgirl99 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 So this is a small update to my problem that I listed a few weeks back. I appreciate all of the replies, and CarHill, you were right, he came back around. This posting was about the guy I have been talking to online/LD. He ended up coming back around and things were fine, he didnt even really mention anything about the small argument we go into etc. So things were great for a couple of weeks, we were talking about 3 times per week online. One thing that frustrated him was that I didnt want to talk on cam one night, and he said that he felt that it was kind of messed up and that we were "at the point where it should just be automatic" where we could see eachother. Makes sense to me ...well words like these sound like something that would come from a person who is interested in more of a relationship with expectations from one another. Not someone who is just trying to keep things as "go with the flow" or not caring. This is how i get frustrated with him.... well, he told me that he didnt understand why he had to practically "beg and plead" just to see me and talk to me on cam. (all innocent i might add, just talking nothing sexual) I assured him that I didnt know he felt that way and the next time we spoke there wouldnt be any question to it, we'd just go on cam. I didnt speak to him the next day, but talked to him 2 nights later. He and I were joking around having fun, and I turned my cam on and we started to talk. but then he didnt turn his on because he was being a brat and said "now you can see what i felt like this past year" (when i didnt have one) anyway, that was just him joking around..he got a phone call and told me he'd be right back. well, an HOUR goes by and I'm kind of irritated. He hasn't done that to be before. I sent a message like, "um..you sure like talking on the phone..." just jokingly.. he must have stepped away from the computer to take the call, because it was about a half hour after i typed it(hour after he said he'd brb) when he came to say that it was his EX WIFE (they're divorcing and she lives in another state) and she's still on the phone, he was on hold, and he was sorry. Well, I can be understanding, but then he said "im gonna get going" and just logged off. No "i'll talk to you later" or "goodnight hun" or anything. I was in shock when he did this, because it was so abrupt and this has never happened with us before. I didnt hear from him the next day and that hurt my feelings. I had no idea what was going on, not that i wanted to know what he was talking to her about but my feelings should have been kept in mind. I sent him an email after not hearing from him for 3days saying that if he needed to talk I was a good listener and that it seemed that he was upset the last time we spoke.......i got NOTHING back....so a week later i sent an email just letting him know how i felt about the situation, i was very diplomatic and polite, not seeming needy etc, just that i didnt understand...he and i have been talking for quite some time, and I know he'd gotten the emails. I think he could have at least sent a small note back saying sorry or SOMETHING, I really got my feelings hurt..Thursday made it 2 weeks, and i still havent heard a thing from him. I know some of you will say that i should call him and find out, but i already sent 2 emails (a week apart) and I know he's checked them. I feel that the ball is in his court. I'm just sad and dont know why he's avoiding me. I've been very patient and considerate to him throughout the entire time we've been talking. He really through me for a loop this time
LovieDove24 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Here's what I would do verbatim. You can take my advice or leave it: I'd wait another week to call him. Why? Because you're right, you did email him twice to get in contact with him. Contacting him too much will push him away even further so give it some more time and see if he comes around. Then when you do call him say something along the lines of this "You hurt my feelings when you leave me hanging like this. You know that I am a good listener and willing to talk about things but you have to let me in for that to happen. If you would like more distance I at least need to hear it from you so I can have some closure on the issue. I thought we were more mature than just avoiding things." There, give that a try. Dont go into the conversation angry and don't go jumping down his throat. Keep in mind you may not hear what you want, but no matter what you do, do it for the sake of closure.
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 you're right...i certainly wont give him any grief about it.. Hopefully I'll hear something. Its kinda mean of him.
spacecapsule Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 you're right...i certainly wont give him any grief about it.. Hopefully I'll hear something. Its kinda mean of him. I had a very similar experience, and wish I could provide some advice. However, I really dont know the best way to handle these situations. All I can say is hang in there and give it a little more time. Like the other poster I would give it another week then move on to greener pastures.
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I'm sorry that you had to go through a similar experience, it's no fun to be on this end of it. I can always go out and meet people, thats not a problem..just sucks when you invest genuine feelings and things like this occur. I dont think I'll even call him if I dont get a response soon. He's the guy and knows I'm upset, the human thing to do would be for him to contact ME. Anyway, thanks for your reply
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 you're right...i certainly wont give him any grief about it.. Hopefully I'll hear something. Its kinda mean of him. Do you think that maybe he's clued in on something that says you're the kind of girl that needs to chase a little to appreciate something?
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm sorry that you had to go through a similar experience, it's no fun to be on this end of it. I can always go out and meet people, thats not a problem..just sucks when you invest genuine feelings and things like this occur. I dont think I'll even call him if I dont get a response soon. He's the guy and knows I'm upset, the human thing to do would be for him to contact ME. Anyway, thanks for your reply That's too bad. Maybe the next guy will meet you half way? Best of luck!
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Thanks for your reply =) Hmm..I'm not sure that he feels I need a chase..but maybe he's trying to play a little hard to get.. I've even joked with him in conversations about him wanting to "keep me on my toes". He and I have gone without talking for a few weeks, but not when we were on great terms like I thought we were...he leading us into conversations that showed this. I think he may be pulling back a bit because he may be developing stronger feelings, though. Maybe he still isnt ready and doesnt know what to do with his feelings right now. He's still going through his divorce. I'm surely not going to excuse his behavior though. ugh..tough situation..I wish finding the right person was easier for me. I've had enough dissapointments in love this year!!!!!
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Thanks for your reply =) Hmm..I'm not sure that he feels I need a chase..but maybe he's trying to play a little hard to get.. I've even joked with him in conversations about him wanting to "keep me on my toes". He and I have gone without talking for a few weeks, but not when we were on great terms like I thought we were...he leading us into conversations that showed this. I think he may be pulling back a bit because he may be developing stronger feelings, though. Maybe he still isnt ready and doesnt know what to do with his feelings right now. He's still going through his divorce. I'm surely not going to excuse his behavior though. ugh..tough situation..I wish finding the right person was easier for me. I've had enough dissapointments in love this year!!!!! How unfortunate! Since each person is different, responses will be too - some people will pull back when they develop feelings. Its too bad that he won't move forward - but be careful what you ask for, because you just might find yourself with a man whose fully interested in you and that could be scary too...for some females.
Island Girl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I think if you accept being shifted to the side you need to work on yourself. If he came back at this point, after getting offline so abruptly and with no explanation, and then no response to your e-mails (which I would not have sent but it is done) I wouldn't give him the time of day. If I were you I would raise the standards of how I allow myself to be treated and my expectations of what being in a relationship means on both sides. C'mon this guy is married - getting a divorce but obviously still tied somehow to her. If he is done with her and it is really over then he shouldn't be pushing you aside to talk to her. You do see that? And he can't be important enough to disregard you this way and still have a chance with you, right?
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I agree with you island girl. I shouldnt be treated this way. I know that I'm the type of girl that likes closure though. I cant not listen to what he has to say as his explanation for whatever happened. We've been talking for a long time, and he owes me one, I know that. I wont settle for less than the way I deserve to be treated, or for less than the way I treat him. He and I aren't in a committed relationship, not sure if you've read the history or other posts, but we havent actually met in person yet even. I havent wanted to until all of his divorce was final and it was appropriate. I understand that he was married to her and probably has things to sort through. I know he isnt in love with her anymore or wanting their relationship to work, but i do understand that there are ties from their home they've owned and things of that sort.. In your opinion, when he does come around, are you saying I should call him out on how he brushed me off to the side to take her call? Wouldnt that make me a bit dramatic?
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 He and I aren't in a committed relationship, not sure if you've read the history or other posts, but we havent actually met in person yet even.... If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys meet again?
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I dont mind at all.. He and I met online when he first separated from his wife...we've been talking for over a year. He and I have wanted to meet but I never would until I knew it was appropriate. As they were going through problems and he was staying at his parents house while working out of town (in his hometown) she ended up cheating on him. This was when he moved into his own place and the divorce process started. They were married for less than 2 years but I'm sure it still has a significant effect on him and his self esteem even. I've never been involved with someone in this kind of situation before. The post I got from Island Girl has me a little bit upset (not with her..but with him) I feel like I want to text him and tell him off, but I know that isnt the mature thing to do..
Island Girl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 In your opinion, when he does come around, are you saying I should call him out on how he brushed me off to the side to take her call? Wouldnt that make me a bit dramatic? I wouldn't call him out on it necessarily. Not that way. I'd just listen to his explanation (or whatever he was saying) and be VERY upbeat. I would then let him know I was on the way out and let him know that he could call me later that night if he wanted to continue the conversation and then I'd hang up. I'd be happy to hear from him but I would rush off of the phone with the ball definitely in his court. The next time he called it has been my experience that he will be a bit unsettled - because he is unsure about where he stands. And this is what you want. He may mention the situation again and/or apologize for not being in contact sooner. Seize that opportunity and then lay it out for him. I would gush (literally) that you completely understand and that it has got to be such a difficult situation for him, etc. Give him a lot of acknowledgment and let him get it all out. After you've talked for a while broach the subject with him again about how terrible it must be or whatever -BUT also that by his actions, or lack thereof, that you obviously misunderstood where you stood with each other. Because if you were both on the same page then he would not have just dropped off the face of the Earth. If he doesn't start back peddling at that point and kissing your behind then you can say that you are glad that the misunderstanding has been cleared up because you had thought you were in a sense focusing on building a deeper connection with him but now you realize that focus needs to be elsewhere. If he stays on the phone and just accepts what you say then let it lie and just move at a snails pace if indeed you want to wait it out. But do not be readily available to him. Do not answer his e-mails right away and at times don't answer the phone but call him back. If you have an auto-login on the computer change that so that you are visible when you choose to be. If he does back peddle and say he DOES want to build that connection with you and that you shouldn't interpret it that way then you can close the gap of contact and put some expectations out there.
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You're right, next time we talk it'll be online, and I know he'll be unsettled. I can always tell when he is because of the way he greets me. He'll greet me by name instead of "hey cutie" or something. I'm for sure going to take the opportunity to gush as you said and make sure he gets buttered up for when I chime in with how I feel. When we've had circumstances where something has occured before, he is very apoligetic. He doesnt like to argue and told me that he doesnt ever want to stop talking to me. I suggested to him about 2 months ago something along the lines of "nice to get to know you, take care" (thats a very shortend and sweetened version) and he didnt like it. Things turned around from there and were progressing. Thats why I'm basically in shock right now. We were getting along so well and this happened. It makes no sense to me.. I appreciate your thougthful response and will definitely take the advice given.
Island Girl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Just remember - no matter what the circumstances there is no excuse for bad behavior -- there is never a reason good enough for a guy to treat me like crap! (Unless someone's life hangs in the balance)
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 ...not sure about the life on the line, but he's DEF. skating on thin ice!!!
Author sweetgirl99 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 So i've been thinking about this wayy too much the past few days. Today I made the choice to text message him. I KNOW I KNOW, not what a girl should do, but I'm really not at the point in my life where I'm wanting to play games with him. I am not wanting something without any type of closure at all. I went through the whole no closure thing before(still coping with that issue from a guy I've posted about) I think thats why I needed to do this before I could actually move on without regret. I know that I should never chase after a guy, but by my texting him this morning, I at least know he got the mesage...with an email I can only almost gaurentee that he had checked it. It wasnt a dramatic text or anything. Basically what I would have said if I were online talking to him. I just said.." u ok? I'm not gonna bug you anymore till i hear from you..Im just concerned. Hope you're well, take care . At least from this, It shows that IM the bigger person and can walk away with a smile, even if he doesnt respond. I said my peace and did as much as I possibly can. I am now finished. He knows that I am a caring person, and in this case, maybe I just cared too much. Life does go on, just sucks that I get burned at the end of this deal.. thanks to all of those who have offered advice.
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