Author jj33 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Oh God NID you are right in my situation. Yet another idiotic twist on my W doesnt understand me... (no offense U9176 i think you are great. My comments are directed at me not at you and are not meant to demean how you felt)
WalkOnWater Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 One thing to remember, my friend. I tell people on here daily that it's simple...not easy...but simple. There's a huge distinction. I don't consider divorce to in ANY possible fashion to be easy. Not at all..I've no doubt in my mind that it's hard as heck to deal with. But the process is SIMPLE. It's not complex...it doesn't require a rocket scientist to walk you through it, nor does it typically require extended lengths of time to accomplish. I don't think it's as simple as you think. You've looked into D, but you've never done it. I've spoken with friends who have gone through D and it seems that it takes on average 1-2 years to finalize everything about a D. Remember, in many states in the US, you have to be separated a year before the D can be granted. I think you're looking at things from a hypothetical POV and not from experience. To me it seems like the kind of thing that can look simple and easy on paper, but when you actually go through the process, there will be all sorts of curve balls thrown at you that you didn't expect. I would be surprised if it's really as simple as you think. As far as the D being as joint of a decision as the marriage...I'm sorry, but that's probably not a very realistic expectation when you get down to it. Relationships RARELY end because both parties decide to walk away...marriage or not. They end when the pain of staying becomes to great for one partner to endure any longer. It's very uncommon for both partners to reach that point at the same time. I agree w/ you on this. My counselor told me the same thing, that it's almost always one party wanting out more than the other. Walk On Water what you are saying is you want someone else to make the decision for you. You dont want to be the bad guy. I am not minimizing that feeling, but... if out is what you want then dont you owe it to you and your W to tell her? She may be thinking that the marriage can be saved. She may be hoping and praying that this is something you get over. Its never easy to hurt someone we care about or to be the bad guy. But waiting for her to do it could be a long long wait. Yes, you're right, I don't want to be the bad guy. I HAVE told my wife I want out, but she still holds out hope. I think until I force the issue, she will continue holding onto that hope. This is the "not easy" part that KG and Owl have mentioned.
NoIDidn't Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I don't think it's as simple as you think. You've looked into D, but you've never done it. I've spoken with friends who have gone through D and it seems that it takes on average 1-2 years to finalize everything about a D. Remember, in many states in the US, you have to be separated a year before the D can be granted. I think you're looking at things from a hypothetical POV and not from experience. To me it seems like the kind of thing that can look simple and easy on paper, but when you actually go through the process, there will be all sorts of curve balls thrown at you that you didn't expect. I would be surprised if it's really as simple as you think. This may be based on your own state. I had a girlfriend in TX tell me last year that she was considering a Divorce. She told me the waiting period was 60 days. Well, by Thanksgiving it was ALL done. I agree with Owl, though. He did say that it was simple, not that it would be easy. That's why MM cheat instead of divorcing. Most want easy so they opt for cheating - because it is easy to cheat when you can find a willing partner and that's what the OP is (a willing partner, not a soulmate or all that other warm BS). I understand why you are agonizing, WoW. I really do. But that's the thing. Everything worth doing to us is always easier said than done. Stop waiting for your W to end up on the same page with you. You are only sucking the last bit of love and respect that she has for you out. If that's what you want, then fine - get ready for your kids to possibly feel the same way (if you have any). If you want out, start now. It only gets harder when you drag things out. Getting started is simple. It will be hard emotionally to end your marriage and life as you have known it, but starting the process only takes a decision. If you made the decision to cheat, why can't you make the decision to start the divorce with the lawyer instead of trying to push your W to that point.
WalkOnWater Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 This may be based on your own state. I had a girlfriend in TX tell me last year that she was considering a Divorce. She told me the waiting period was 60 days. Yes, and in Florida, the waiting period is only 3 weeks! My point was that in MANY, but not all states, the waiting period is 1 year. I thumbed through a list of D laws in all 50 states, and I was surprised how many have the 1 year requirement. Even in Nevada, home of the famous Las Vegas get-married-quick wedding chapels, you have to wait a year. ... why can't you make the decision to start the divorce with the lawyer instead of trying to push your W to that point. Why can't I make the decision? Because, as has been stated over and over in this thread, it's not easy.
2sure Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You know, this kind of relates to something I put to the members awhile ago. I asked where all my single male friends went when I got married. My H told me that men and women are almost never really friends. That the guys I thought were my friends were really just hanging around just in case. I didnt believe him, having been friends with some of them for YEARS. Granted, a couple of them were dates once upon a time. Yet, they have all pretty much disappeared. In my thread, the men on LS agreed with Husband. So, they like to keep their hand in it in general. But the real reason I'm posting to this specifically is that when I put a stop to the PA part of my A with a MM....we still stayed in touch as friends. He seemed OK with this. In fact, I went so far as to introduce him to another woman, made suggestions, etc. After finding out none of his other options were quite as accomodating as I was....He came back at me fullk speed. I think the "rejection" of not being able to hook up as conveniently, made him want to get back to that "validated" feeling I gave him.
Author jj33 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Walk on Water I hate to judge but if your W holds out hope and you know you want out, how fair are you being to her? You already are the bad guy. You want out, you have hurt her. Why prolong her agony? You are robbing her of the opportunity to be with someone who actually loves her and wants to grow old with her, because you are doing her the favor of deciding whether you want to stay with her tho you no longer love her? That just doesnt make sense. Im sure its not easy to end a marriage but if you know you want out and she knows you want out???? You are never going to go with her blessing. You are just delaying the inevitable. Didnt you say you had gotten your own apartment? Are you still living out of the house?
Owl Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 WoW, I know that you're assuming that I'm posting from a "hypothetical point of view". My view on LIFE is a lot along the lines of what I've described to you...you get one life to live (as far as anyone knows), and so your only REAL choice is to 'DO or DO NOT'... That includes divorce...that includes marriage...that includes pretty much everything. If you're soooo unhappy that you're willing to put your spouse through an emotional hell just to steal a few moments of happiness for yourself...and you're not actively willing to change that or to fix the issues...then staying is the LAST thing you should be contemplating. Not just for yourself...but for everyone around you. I'll grant you that the majority of WS's have simply no clue the sheer emotional devestation they wreak on their spouses at first...but those that post here and listen to all the horror stories of the BS's fighting to deal with it start to get some small taste of it. Don't think that I don't have friends just like yours that have gone through divorcde...odds are, I'm probably as old or older than you are, and have seen quite a bit in my life...so my comments of the "simplicity" of simply getting off your butt and taking action are NOT merely 'hypothetical'...in reality, they're based off a LOT of experience and learning. I've posted my advice to you...and I'll trouble you no more with it. Good luck, however your situation turns out.
WalkOnWater Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I didn't expect this thread to turn out about me, I was originally just posting in response to the original post. It then became a discussion of how easy/hard vs. how simple/difficult D is, and then gravitated to my situation in particular. Ironically, just as with most people who find themselves in affairs, I find myself in the thick of things without ever intending on being here. jj, this is your thread, and I don't want to take over, but I will answer your latest post. Yes, I'm in my own apt, not living w/ my W anymore. When we separated, we agreed that it would be a trial separation for a period of time to see if we could get things back on track. When that period of time is up, we will get together and decide what to do, either try to work things out, or file for D. But I have told my W in the meantime that I'm currently much happier on my own and can't see moving back w/ her. Since we haven't reached the point of decision yet, she still holds out hope. You might say I'm delaying the inevitable, but I want to wait until we formally meet and come to a decision. Being the bad guy then will be palatable, but being the bad guy by pre-empting the time when we formally meet is not something I want to do. Owl, thank you for your advice. I've seen a lot of posts of yours that make sense. The only thing I interpret differently than you is your statement that D is simple. Maybe you don't intend to mean that ALL D's are simple, but that's the way it sounds. If you said D CAN be simple, or SOME D's are simple, I would agree with you. But to simply say D is simple comes across as a blanket statement that seems to apply to ALL D's. And I'm referring to the PROCESS of divorce, which you also have referred to. In fact, I have a friend who's been through 2 D's in the same state in the US. One took 6 weeks, the other took 2.5 years. My friend told me that the longer one was far from simple, not the emotions, the actual PROCESS of D took so many twists and turns it was amazing. Please don't interpret this as I'm purposefully trying to pick an argument w/ you. I value your opinions on these forums. I'm simply disagreeing with your wording in a hopefully respectful way and pointing out that the wording can be misleading. Thanks for the good luck wish.
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