What Lies Were You Told?

[Virgo1982]

All so true, Virgo. But once again, it is all about him and his needs, isn't? Withholding the info is protecting....whom, exactly? And for me, that fuels greater resentment. I feel that unless he can explain the "why" of it, and what sustained it, how can I ever trust it will not happen again in this future he claims to want with me?

 

Here is another issue BSs deal with: Was I the default choice? You chose her until outed, and then felt loss of family life, reputation, marital assets,etc., and came crying to come home.

 

But here is the rub of it, whether for reasons of pride, or ego, or self-validation: Our children are grown, my reputation is stellar and financially, I can support myself. I no longer need to be lumped into the family unit he was so afraid of losing.

 

I want and deserve a man who wants and desires me, the other, other woman.

 

You and I agree. I was under the impression that he told the "why." In that case, you should let him know that you can not move forward with reconciliation until he explains to you why he chose to have an affair. I always say that would be one of my requirements for taking someone back after infidelity. If there is no good reason for it, then there is no good reason to reconcile IMO. I did state that at the end of my very long post. I think he will spill the beans if he knows you won't work on the M without that knowledge.

 

As for the other details, I know you want to satisfy your curiousity, but I do not believe it is a good idea for you to know all the details. As long as you know why he cheated and know his perspective makes sense, you should be able to move forward. Once again, he may be afraid of hurting you further or making you angry by revealing what was in his heart. If people hold on to what bothers them, it can build into resentment. Then, they act foolishly and come to their senses later. I think that's what happened in your case. He doesn't seem like he communicates his feelings very well. In some cases, there is a clear cry for help before the H/W become a WS. In your case, I reckon there wasn't. He needs to learn the value of communication now and see its power in preventing what you guys have been through.

[White Flower]

I wanted to add that MM has of course lied to his wife just by seeking an affair or encounter...imagine how much easier it is to lie to someone you're not married to. I think some MM (and of course MW) lie more than they need to just because they like the story they are making up. The story, the "lets pretend" part is attractive to talk about.

While I don't agree that pretending is fun to me, it might be to others.

 

But I agree wholeheartedly that it is much easier to lie to someone you're not married to. Any time I ever questioned what exMM might really be doing, all he had to do was say that his W and he were going somewhere together. For all I knew, he could have been with another OW. So easy for him to do. And who was I to question him? What was I going to do? Call his W and ask her to compare calendars? No, that would be ridiculous...and he was counting on me thinking so.

[White Flower]

This question is for those whose OM/OW whose afffair partner ended the relationship to reconcile with their spouse. What lies were you told?

 

I am a betrayed spouse who has forgiven the affair. I have forgiven you too. But the next hurtle to overcome on my path to healing is to understand the lies and deception we were both told to sustain the affair. I know the lies he told me to be with you. What lies did he tell you to sustain his relationship with you? Some of you may not have been lied to. Yet I suspect, some of you were.

 

In an effort to understand all sides of the triangle, I'm asking this question with sincere interest in your reponses if you choose to.

Hi Spark,

 

My exMM never admitted his A with me to his W. But she did find my number in his cell phone and there was a lot of flutter about it. He quit calling me for a while and our only communication for a long time was through email and IMing. After she calmed down and 'got over it' he resumed things with me. Then we broke up again, not because he decided to go back to her (cake-eater all the way), but because I couldn't take the life of a A.

 

I believe for the most part she was the receiver of most of the lies; however, he did lie to me as well. One such lie was that he loved me, but 'cared for her'. Truth be told, I think he really only loves himself. And he must love her too since he has chosen to stay with her for the rest of his life. But he would keep me on the side forever if I let him.

 

Another lie was that he 'had never done this before'. I found out different.

 

And another lie was 'as long as I live I will never ask someone I don't know to dance again, anywhere'. Yet, he did.

 

Poor guy, the s*** just kept getting deeper. And with that, my respect kept diminishing. He thought women were just stupid and all had their heads buried in the sand.

 

Guess he wasn't prepared for me.

 

Good luck in your healing process, Spark.

 

WF.