What Lies Were You Told?

[Spark1111]

This question is for those whose OM/OW whose afffair partner ended the relationship to reconcile with their spouse. What lies were you told?

 

I am a betrayed spouse who has forgiven the affair. I have forgiven you too. But the next hurtle to overcome on my path to healing is to understand the lies and deception we were both told to sustain the affair. I know the lies he told me to be with you. What lies did he tell you to sustain his relationship with you? Some of you may not have been lied to. Yet I suspect, some of you were.

 

In an effort to understand all sides of the triangle, I'm asking this question with sincere interest in your reponses if you choose to.

[jj33]

Oops sorry after replying I saw you asked only of those who were with WS who ended things to reconcile with their spouses. We ended it because he was thinking of leaving. It got to the point where it was going to compromise his marriage but thats not the same thing exactly.

 

All triangles are different. In my case no lies. He never said a bad word about his W. Never said he was planning to leave although after it was over it became clear he had been thinking about it and it ended because he felt he was at a point where he wanted to leave and didnt really want to leave if that makes sense. Ours was not an A that was meant to replace the marriage and I knew that all along. I just couldnt handle being part of a triangle. It wasnt an open marriage it was a I will turn a blind eye so long as you are discreet and dont embarrass me situation. Ive met her and I know she knew. When we were introduced she smiled and said "I know who you are". We chatted amiably tho I was really uncomfortable. The A has been over for a long time. From time to time I speak to her on the phone if she picks up Mms phone when I call for business and they are in the car or something. She is always pleasant. There was no D day. I dont think I am part of the population you are sampling however.

 

If it makes you feel any better. It shreded my heart into little pieces. The stress of it all compromised my physical health. And I became very depressed. And I wasnt even in the PA very long. It was the aftermath of it that got me.

 

She put him on a very short leash after it was over. He is allowed to have his piece on the side but he broke their rules when he fell in love.

 

In this case I think he lied to himself more than anyone else. That he could handle having two lives where the second was more than a little bit of fun on the side. But of course that wasnt his plan when things started. He didnt plan to fall in love.

 

He has aged since the A. He isnt happy in his marriage but he stays because it is his life. They have decided as a couple that regardless of what he does discreetly, the marriage and extended family will prevail over all else. Its their own brand of catholisism. No divorce.

[Spark1111]

Ahhh, jj, I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your honesty. And was that okay with you? To be a little fun on the side until the lines shifted and you and he fell in love? I mean, what were you looking for? Which needs of your's was the relationship fulfilling? I am glad he was at least honest with you from the start because so many are not.

[jj33]

Thanks Spark. Actually he had to be honest with me. Lying to me could have had serious consequences. If i were a different person I could have done a lot of damage to him both personally and professionally. The last thing he wants is scandal. The last thing his W and family want is scandal. Id like to say it was his integrity but I cant be sure of that. More to the point they didnt want that kind of tittle tattle in the gossip pages of newspapers and magazines... or worse.

 

Its easy to write these things off to just so much fun on the side but emotions ar more complicated than that. If I had thought it was just fun on the side I wouldnt have gotten involved. If it was just fun on the side for him, he wouldnt have had been in so much pain when it was over. He simply would have found a replacement. hes a very attractive very powerful man. Women hit on him all the time. Fun on the side is easy for him to find. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

And we wouldnt still be so close and he wouldnt continue to grapple with whether he should break "the pact" and leave.

 

if you read some of the threads of the MM who are heartbroken months after it ends while they are in MC with their wives, it wasnt just fun on the side for many of them. Its more than that in many cases.

 

The important thing for you is you and your H are back on track.

[Sagelily]

I myself was never lied to, and neither was his wife. Once MM and I realized we were in love, he told her immediately and prepared to move out. If I ever suspected that he lied to either of us, I'd have ended things right then and there.

[Spark1111]

I myself was never lied to, and neither was his wife. Once MM and I realized we were in love, he told her immediately and prepared to move out. If I ever suspected that he lied to either of us, I'd have ended things right then and there.

 

 

Oh Sagelily! Then based on the majority of posters whose stories I read here, consider yourself one of the lucky ones! There seem to be people waiting for YEARS for their Married Partner to leave the marriage, and many never do. Good Luck to you.

[Lizzie60]

I have a privileged relationship with my MMs... they don't have to lie to me.. that's the great thing.. we're opened.. they know I will never ask them to leave..

 

One, last night.. said that if he ever leave his W he would move with me.. in an open relationship... he knows he's not the only one.. so we would just be like F-roomates..

 

OWs who are having A with MMs don't necessarily want to leave their relationship.. so there is also no need to lie.

[KismetGirl]

Hmmmm. I think you're asking a difficult question, because Im not sure that most OW's that were lied to ever really find out about every lie they were told.

 

I guess in my case Im also pretty lucky in that at least he doesn't lie to me. My MM has no reason to lie, I guess. I tell him I won't tell his W, won't ask him to leave her. Of course I WANT him, but I wouldn't force someone to be with me any more than I'd force them not to be with someone else. That type of relationship can only fail....

 

I think you have to look at what type of an affair-partner the MM is. Is he the type who has had many affairs? Many women? Never sticks with one too long if he can help it? This is much different than one who sticks with the same OW for long and actually falls for her.

 

I know you are trying to find answers to your own situation, but you need to understand that no situations are the same, and since you are working on your M with your husband now, you shouldnt dwell on things like this anyway. They are all speculative, guessing games. No one knows for any certainty what MM lied about except MM himself, if anything.

 

All I can tell you about my own situation is that if he doesn't seem to want to talk about something, he avoids it entirely rather than lying about it. But I've seen MM's on here string their OW's on forever about why they can't get D yet, or that they stay for the kids, or they can't afford it, or whatever. My MM, it seems apparent to me, has a very friendly and pleasant relationship with his W, but there is a serious lack in emotional and romantic and sexual intimacy, which is really why he's been straying with me. But then, Im the only person he's cheated on his wife with...and I think he is dissapointed in himself that he's allowed himself to fall for me, because he went into it without that intent. I don't think any of them INTEND to fall for the OW. All they know is that they are missing something, they need a distraction, and sometimes you end up falling for the other person. And sometimes you realize what you had at home was what you really wanted all along. I think what's important is that you are trying to fix your marriage now. If you really want answers, ask your Husband what he said to his OW. That's the only way you'll really know. But.....do you really want to know? Right now your focus should be on you and him. If you worry yourself too much with the OW and the relationship they had, you'll never be able to focus on the relationship you and he have. Just MHO. Sorry I couldnt be more help.

[jj33]

Spark I am not sure what you are looking for here but in most cases the OW never knows what was a lie and what wasnt unless he said he was divorcing and didnt.

 

There are plenty of those threads on here but those people arent responding, perhaps because its too painful to rehash.

 

But otherwise how would we know? There are certain to be the little white lies and the lies of omission are a certainty. But its not what people focus on for the most part.

 

Except in exceptional circumstances (like OWoman's case but she has a different view of As anyway) anyone who believes I am so unhappy so so unhappy my W is a horrible person but I stay anyway is being foolish. Noone who is living with such a witch stays absent exceptional circumstances. And anyone who talks such trash about their spouse and stays with no plans to leave is suspect in my book.

 

Many people want to believe the lies. But they arent posting. And certain men, the more predatory types have a sense for who they can pick off from the herd so to speak, who may be more vulnerable to the same old boring script (no offense to anyone).

 

It sounds like you want to embrace the OWs side of things so that you can stop being angry at her. Its nice to think of sisterhood and noone should do that. But the person who had an obligation to you is your husband.

 

It must be scary to have to direct all that anger and hurt towards someone you love so very much. But in the end, he is the one who had an obligation to be faithful to you. He is the one you need to hold responsible for his actions. And he is the one you need to forgive. This other woman doesnt matter.

[SierraRose]

I do not know what was a lie and what was truth; however, this is what I was told...My MM blamed everything on his W. He claimed she had 2 previous As and he never got over them. He said she did nothing but sit around the house all day. She was a stay-at-home mom. She couldn't handle the 2 children, didn't clean, cook. She expected him to do everything. She let herself go. She was continually disappointed in gifts he bought for her. She was nuts, emotionally imbalanced. Nothing he did was right.

I was promised, love happiness and everything under the sky. I just needed to be patient, as he had to do things at his own pace. He eventually fessed up to her about the A between us, because he couldn't handle the pressure and more.

 

It has been nc since.

[Mino]

I dont think he lied to me. He told the truth, even though it may have not have been what I wanted to hear. He never blamed his w, never spoke bad of her, really always said she was a "nice person". He has come through with that he said he would leave..He did have many excuses along the way prolonging his moving out, but I wouldnt say they were lies.

[katterskacy]

OMG. What was I NOT lied to about?!

I'm going to start a new thread and give the recent developements.

[bluebayou]

I can't say of any lies I know about (I know he has no intention of leaving, I know they still have a physical relationship etc etc).

 

The only thing I have never had a straight answer to is why, after all these years he has decided to to convert from an EA to a PA.

[Spark1111]

and while I am so aware that each situation is different, so is each reconciliation.

 

I am fully aware that these questions are so much more appropriately discussed with my WS. However, if you read many of the other posters who are in reconciliation, once true remose and guilt sets in with the WS, they tend to minimize the OW/OM and the Affair in an effort to both shield the BS from additional pain and to sheild themselves from the devastation the affair has caused to all involved.

 

And that's what minimizing and little white lies, or ommitted details feel like to the BS: continued deception and that hurts me more than knowing the details.

 

I have since learned that the WS, whether through time, introspection, IC or MC has to come to terms on their own timetable for the how s and whys of it all. But it still remains a big, pink, uncomfortable elephant in the room and I think, ultimately, a true problem that hinders on the path to restoring true emotionaly intimacy. Also, resentment begins to build on the part of the BS in the sense of, I again need to be patient in having this need met.

 

That's why I so appreciate your responses. It helps to get a sense of it all --or what it could be-- and I again thank you for your responses.

[Mino]

spark. would it not be best NOT to know the glory details? I understand why he does not want to tell you for the fear that you may not want to work on the M anymore if you knew it all. I think the best thing to do is learn to forgive... and look forward. I know that is easier said then done, I can see how hard it will be, every time he is late, or you cant reach him, your mind will wonder if he is cheating again. Was this the first time? How long did the A go? Are you really sure he and the ow are NOT seeing each other? The reason I ask is my mm Always came back within 2 days after his w found out. They just get better at hiding it....

[Spark1111]

Yes, Mino. That thought tortured me for a long time, continued contact, and I had to let that one go. Do we ever really know for sure? No, I guess not.

 

Do I want all the gory details? No, I don't need them all, but I need more than what I have. The affair was 1.5 years long, emotional, passionate, obsessive maybe? Every minute, every opportunity, hundreds of monthly minutes in texting and cell phone calls. Plans for a future, probably. I wrote the letter "Dear Other Woman" on this forum. It was from the heart.

 

Here is the problem: Not only is the having a secret affair a selfish, self-serving act, but the withholding of information is also one. Man Up! Tell the truth to ME if you want to truly want an emotionally intimate relationship and future with me.

 

I feel deeply that without total disclosure, what do we truly have? Polite conversation around the big, pink elephant in the room. Going through the motions of appearing to be a happy family unit?

 

It is the only event in a long, loving relationship, that is not shared freely and openly, hence lots of IC and MC. It is also somewhat controlling (doesn't want to lose me) and it equally protects him and his feelings of guilt and shame at the devastation this has caused all involved.

 

Right now I choose to be here and work on the relationship. The details would only provoke communication, and yes, anger. But could you see yourself continuing in a relationship where you have been hurt, lied to and remain unknowing of the true situation? What kind of relationship would that be?

[2sure]

I think from the many posts by OW on other threads and by the responses right here that it is clear MM will lie as little or as much as required . Some lie more than they need to, and some lie to themselves. But as to what lies they tell OW - all depends what she wants or doesnt want to hear.

[2sure]

I wanted to add that MM has of course lied to his wife just by seeking an affair or encounter...imagine how much easier it is to lie to someone you're not married to. I think some MM (and of course MW) lie more than they need to just because they like the story they are making up. The story, the "lets pretend" part is attractive to talk about.

[jj33]

I agree 2sure. I think they are also more apt to lie about little things just because its what they do - things that they dont even need to lie about. It becomes ingrained in some people.

[NoIDidn't]

Spark, I certainly understand the "Why" behind this thread, but it didn't really get any answers.

 

Why? Because in most cases the OP will not admit to knowing about lying when they are in the thick of it. Or, because the OP doesn't even know that they were lied to.

 

So it doesn't surprise me that most wrote that they weren't lied to. Maybe they weren't.

 

But one thing almost ALL of us here (OP and former/recent BS) will agree on: The MP was lying mostly to themselves.

 

Focusing on him, or her, or his lies, or whatever takes the focus off of where it should be, Spark: ON YOU. What do you want? What will help you heal? Really heal? Focusing on the stuff you don't know is really just a distraction from what you really need to be doing. And I know why. Its because its painful and frightening. But I don't worry, eventually you will curiosity and move on to looking after you.

[Myusername]

Spark

I can see you really want to understand what happened and I applaud you for asking tough questions. I probably would feel the same way.

 

For me, I do not know what was a lie, but I was lied to. Since i don't and never did live near him, and only saw him once a year, or less, it was easy to lie to both of us. He was separated when I met him (I can't confirm this, but it is what I knew as the truth), that was the only reason I even dated him (in town on business etc). He went back home, we were still "dating" and falling heavy. I never fall easy so it was a very surreal experience.

 

First lie, he moved back in with her, (she with him) without him telling me they were even considering reconciling. I only found out after a scary and hurtful phone call, FROM her. I had no idea they were even contemplating this. I was blown away and raging. After that I have no idea about what is the truth, or was.

 

He always had deep feelings for me, I believe that. But I am not sure what he had with her. I think they grew out of love basically (long marriage). I now think that there were lies, and obviously he lied to her to spend time with me. I never forgave myself and have never been able to trust him. I dont trust him at all.

 

I can't imagine being married and living this lie or doing this to a spouse, I just can't. I would have too much pain and guilt. I still do for my part in the affair. Big time

 

Hang in there

best of luck

MUN

[Spark1111]

I do ask and try to talk with him and he....dissembles and starts to cry and then I start to cry and then he promises we will talk about it...but we do not.

 

He initially minimized it after DDay and was actually angry at ME and then angry I told a few trusted family members and our children, who deduced the situation, but based on the evidence I uncovered, I TRULY thought he was leaving me for another woman.

 

Cut to the present day, 14 months later, IC and MC and we have the above scenario. Okay he wrote me three long letters describing the initial attraction, the first sexual encounter on a business trip and then the ensuing start of it all. He told her he was unhappily married...and then all communicating to me about the affair stopped.

 

Did he tell her he had separated at some point? Did he promise her he'd divorce me to be with her? Does it matter? Maybe not. But I told him forget the sex, forget the emotional investment in another while I was lonely as hell, I have forgiven that. It is the lies that kill. This is the next phase of forgiveness for me. I need to know what it is I am forgiving to be able to move forward with him.

 

I also told him the last and final and maybe hardest phase of forgiveness for me: RESPECT. I cannot be with a man I do not respect. If, in gaining greater insight into all the different types of scenarios leads to greater understanding for me, I am on a better path than I was before.

 

I agree with ALL OF YOU: I do need to hear from the horse's mouth. Only right now, this horse ain't talking. LS helps tremendously.

[Virgo1982]

 

Do I want all the gory details? No, I don't need them all, but I need more than what I have. The affair was 1.5 years long, emotional, passionate, obsessive maybe? Every minute, every opportunity, hundreds of monthly minutes in texting and cell phone calls. Plans for a future, probably. I wrote the letter "Dear Other Woman" on this forum. It was from the heart.

 

Here is the problem: Not only is the having a secret affair a selfish, self-serving act, but the withholding of information is also one. Man Up! Tell the truth to ME if you want to truly want an emotionally intimate relationship and future with me.

 

I feel deeply that without total disclosure, what do we truly have? Polite conversation around the big, pink elephant in the room. Going through the motions of appearing to be a happy family unit?

 

But could you see yourself continuing in a relationship where you have been hurt, lied to and remain unknowing of the true situation? What kind of relationship would that be?

 

Your WS probably feels like he's damned if he does and he's damned if he does not. In that case, he feels the safest way is to withhold the details. I honestly believe if the BS knew half of the things xMM shared with me, did with me, etc. she would not be able to handle it. He showed me emails where she seemed to be in a serious emotional affair with a guy, but I'm not quite sure if it was physical. She said she couldn't wait to see him, but I do not know if they shagged (as some ls'ers like to say.) From her emails, I gathered that she was sick of her role as wife and mother. I believe she felt that way because they've been together since they were 17.

 

Anywho, a WS who decides to stay in the M for whatever reason has decided to stay put. If they give you a reason for straying and staying that is acceptable-and they appear to be telling the truth-you should not want to know details.

 

Now, on to your original question...I can't think of any lies besides the initial lie of him telling me he was single. I suspect he lied about his whereabouts some of the time. Other than that, I think he saw me as a therapist, lol. I would listen to him and would give him advice on different things or explain why a person reacted in such a way. I think he felt like he had to be perfect in his W's eyes. I believe he was afraid of disappointing her or being ridiculed if he shared his deepest fears and feelings. In order for someone to open up to you, they have to trust you and know you will be supportive. I don't believe he lied because is appears to still be unhappy. He had emailed me, but I made it clear that I did not want to involve myself and made references to his W. He said he just wanted to see an old friend, dropped the movies off, then left. When I saw him, he looked like he had put on weight and the subsequent emails were pretty grim. I haven't seen him or heard his voice since he dropped the movies off. (my phone number is changed and he doesn not have it.)

 

Reconciliation is tough in these situation because the BS has all types of negative feelings about everything it takes to reconcile. It is to be expected. It is a hard process. You have to fight through the pain and be welcoming to him/her when you question everything about him/her after d-day.

 

In my situation, it was weird because they were both checking out, but neither wanted to actually get out. So, I left it up to them and whoever else they chose to involve.

 

Many BS choose to reconcile because they are aware that something went wrong initially. If not, why else would they? I completely understand what Spark is saying. Why downplay the affair? It makes it seem as if it was not a big deal, which is not what I would want to hear.

 

But Spark, you're a pretty smart cookie. So, I'm sure you will pull through reconciliation whether he spills the beans or not. He chose to be there with you and you definitely want to give it a try. So regardless of what you hear, make sure you know that he wants to be exactly where he is. If you didn't want to be there, you wouldn't be. At the end of the day, you have the choice to make the decision he forgot to make when he had the affair-All or Nothing. No half-steppin'

[Spark1111]

All so true, Virgo. But once again, it is all about him and his needs, isn't? Withholding the info is protecting....whom, exactly? And for me, that fuels greater resentment. I feel that unless he can explain the "why" of it, and what sustained it, how can I ever trust it will not happen again in this future he claims to want with me?

 

Here is another issue BSs deal with: Was I the default choice? You chose her until outed, and then felt loss of family life, reputation, marital assets,etc., and came crying to come home.

 

But here is the rub of it, whether for reasons of pride, or ego, or self-validation: Our children are grown, my reputation is stellar and financially, I can support myself. I no longer need to be lumped into the family unit he was so afraid of losing.

 

I want and deserve a man who wants and desires me, the other, other woman.

[jj33]

Thats a really interesting point. Much as OWs bemoan or accept the fact that an MM might stay for the fabric of the life built by the spouses you are saying you dont want your husband to stay for the bigger picture. You want him to stay for you. The "bigger picture" stuff can all be worked out in 2 separate lives and now YOU are questioning whether it is worth staying for the broader things that go along with a marriage.

 

Spark do you feel that you can rekindle the connection between you? This will undoubtedly be your choice in the end. You arent reliant upon him financially, and you dont have young children. It sounds like you are saying its not worth salvaging your life as a couple if he isnt really still focused on you as a woman and the only woman he wants.

 

Good for you. You deserve to be number one in all ways and not just fade away as you grow older as a couple accepting the status quo because that is where life led you. You are taking control.