aloneatnights Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 met someone and liked him, he liked me. but both of us are emotionally stunted and were upfront about it. the thing is, he could have been a good friend, we clicked so well but i went and blew it like i always do. too much not said or said. its hard to go forward when someone holds back so much. anyway, now i realise there isnt much to miss about him, but i do. maybe its the wanting what i couldnt have that bugs me the most. i'm sad about what could have been but relieved at what isnt. confused is my middle name time to move on and put it behind me
Ronni_W Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 time to move on and put it behind me A different approach, which you may already be taking, is to do the 'growth work' to develop emotionally and expand your current level of communication skills. Also then, instead of thinking/saying, "I am emotionally stunted and I always blow it," begin to think and say, "I am starting to grow emotionally, and broaden my ability to say what I want and need, and not say what isn't necessary or could be harmful" (or something along those lines.) One possible drawback to above approach: You just might have to change your username to Can'tGetANightToMyself
gopher Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Too true Ronni....To over simplify it....If keep you doing what you've been doing, you'll continue to get what you've got...errr something like that anyway. A different approach, which you may already be taking, is to do the 'growth work' to develop emotionally and expand your current level of communication skills. Also then, instead of thinking/saying, "I am emotionally stunted and I always blow it," begin to think and say, "I am starting to grow emotionally, and broaden my ability to say what I want and need, and not say what isn't necessary or could be harmful" (or something along those lines.) One possible drawback to above approach: You just might have to change your username to Can'tGetANightToMyself
Author aloneatnights Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 but i'm 43 years old !! how can i change something that has been going on for so damn long? i know i have many wasted opportunities behind me and it's the running away that i'm so good at. it's too late for this one and i feel sad he is gone permanently but then i didnt want another friend. i wanted more... i'm very hard work, i know this. but i also know i don't need a man in my life. some male company would be nice but it seems i want it on my terms. i need to learn to compromise
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 met someone and liked him, he liked me. but both of us are emotionally stunted and were upfront about it. sounds to me like you need to take some time to work on yourself before you start dating again. So many people think that by being in a relationship it is going to help them get past the pain of past relationships and it doesn't work like that. All is does is ruin your chances of having a good relationship with that person. Your best bet is to stay on your own for how every long it takes, be it months or year(s) to feel healthy enough for another relationship. For me personally, I've given up on relationships for a very long time....and I mean years and years.....if not for good.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 but i'm 43 years old !! how can i change something that has been going on for so damn long? Good news is that one's age isn't the most important factor when it comes to changing what isn't working in our lives -- my mom only STARTED therapy after age 65. And she's just finished another round with a new therapist (at age 70.) From her, I take it that it's more about what we really want, and how much time, energy and effort we are willing to put in, to achieve what we really want. Truth is, she used to be "very hard work", too. Then the people around her stopped enabling her draining and depleting behaviours, which forced her to HAVE to learn how to become more self-responsible and self-reliant, and considerate of her impact on others. So perhaps it comes down to a choice...you can start to learn it now, or you can start to learn it later, or you can start to learn it MUCH later? Whichever makes the most sense to you.
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 but i'm 43 years old !! how can i change something that has been going on for so damn long? therapy and counseling to learn about yourself. I'm 41 years old and that is what I'm doing. You know you may think that 43 is too old but to some it isn't. My grand parents lived into their 90's. You have to learn to retrain your brain and pattern of thinking. If you are always getting the same results than you have to learn to change. Most people don't want to change because it is hard work.
Ronni_W Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I've given up on relationships for a very long time....if not for good. Hey, Gurl. Been reading some of your posts and I'm sensing that you have too much to offer in relationships ... sure, take a break (as you're doing) but then you gotta get back in the game!!! Welcome for that link, too. AloneAtNights, around 40 does seem to be an age where many individuals do enter therapy -- I guess it's a time where we start to reflect on where we've been and where we're headed, and want to take more control of the things we used to leave up to "destiny" or whatever. It's a perfect time for you!
lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Hey, Gurl. Been reading some of your posts and I'm sensing that you have too much to offer in relationships ... sure, take a break (as you're doing) but then you gotta get back in the game!!! Welcome for that link, too. Thanks!! that is what my counselor told me the other day too when I told her right now even looking at other men disgusts me right now. She said it just takes time and it won't be long before I will be back in the game...I just say ya whatever. But I guess in some ways I do have a lot to offer. I am very loving and giving, open and honest, but end up giving too much which for now is bad, because then I become resentful and stressed out. I also have obsession issue to deal with which aren't so good right now with weight gain and meds! around 40 does seem to be an age where many individuals do enter therapy -- I guess it's a time where we start to reflect on where we've been and where we're headed, and want to take more control of the things we used to leave up to "destiny" or whatever. It's a perfect time for you! I agree with that completely. Just after turning 40 something in me snapped and I had to start into serious therapy. For me a lot has to do with my childhood, my daughters age and the age I had reached. I am learning more each day about the whys. Why I feel so angry and full of rage. Even just this past Friday and discussing my "relationship" about my father (with my counselor) as I no longer speak to my father and how he has treated me as a child and adult and how it has made me become the angry/raged person I am now and how I need to learn to cope with that.
gopher Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm 47 and in counseling too....so, you aren't too old to start working on yourself....It's the best thing that I've ever done, and am much happier because of it.
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