rluv Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hello - I have been in a 10-month relationship which was just terminated two days ago via E-MAIL!!! We had recently broken up about two weeks ago, but agreed to start dating again, from a new and healthy perspective, try some better things, he said that he needed more 'space' for himself, keep the relationship lighter, but still retain the intimacy, as we would always be more than just friends. During this break-up period, I went on a date with someone, because I am an equal-opportunity woman, and I am not a doormat. I had been telling Michael (the BF of 10 months) that I wanted him more seriously, but he didn't know if he could ever give himself like that to me in return, didn't know if he could ever give me an answer. I certainly wasn't expecting a proposal (!), I just wanted to know if I should be getting serious with this guy, putting a real emotional investment with him, as he wasn't with me, even though he said he loved and cared about me, although he was pulling from me more and more. Now, I am moving on, even though it was two days ago. Can't help but think and wonder if I will EVER hear from him again. I did love him. But like I said, like all strong women, don't ever wait around on a man too long. But - it does hurt. An E-Mail!! Thoughts?? Thanks.
hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Was it a long email or short? It's probably better than a text.
Author rluv Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Medium - just about I have to "let go," and "wish you well - you know I do," blah, blah, blah. I think he's already in a committed relationship - with himself. You're right about the texting!! The thing is, we had plans for dinner at his house that very night, and he got out of it, and Valentine's Day, and the whole kit and kaboodle by just clicking and sending. I told him, "you're free to go, it's not my loss."
AlektraClementine Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Good response. Now you realize you have to go "No Contact" right?
Author rluv Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Yes - also, I told him in my reply e-mail he was very cowardly. No contact, I understand. I feel a lot of resentment, but I have to remind myself that if I start to miss him that he's not spending his time thinking about me. He is older, 56, but he is very fit, and does not look it, likes to run. But he wants some space to figure out some emotional issues for himself - if he does come calling someday, I will have to remind myself of all of this. I have officially joined the 'e-mail club' - although down deep inside, it doesn't feel very funny. Thanks for your thoughts.
Tony T Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 When you decided to go on a date with someone else less than two weeks after breaking up with him and after you promised him to give another go of it, you basically showed him that you weren't emotionally into him. Only an incredibly detached person could go out with someone else right after breaking off a ten month relationship. I'm not meaning to insult you...frankly, I wish I could do stuff like that myself. I've seldom met anyone who could. When you told him "you're free to go, it's not my loss" you sealed your fate right there. You told him his departure is no loss to you so why in heaven's name should he try to contact you again. I'm not really understanding why you came here for advice. You seem to have this pretty together. Breaking up with you in an email is emotionally consistent with the way you've treated him during this situation. I know each of you will find someone who is compatible from an emotional maturity standpoint. I just don't sense that the two of you are right for each other, even from your brief post...from which I'm sure you left a lot of information out. I do hope you provided ALL the essentials.
manchvegasgal Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 An E-Mail!! Thoughts?? Sounds like you'll be ok in the long run, but all I can think is Sex and the City, Berger and the post it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RFDmC98yxE Good luck!
dreamergrl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I am confused. If you were dating on a new healthy perspective, then why did you go out with someone else? The line about being an equal opportunity women doesn't cut it with me. Either you want to be with someone or you don't. Did he mention about dating other people, or just wanted more time for himself? What was the relationship like before the breakup?
Author rluv Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 First of all, let me explain a FEW things...I know it's hard to know someone from just a post. I am hardly detached. In a lot of relationships, it's usually one person who is doing 80% of the work, investing emotionally, propping the thing up. (Maybe trying too hard?) And I am not arrogant to say that I did not make mistakes, but I did honestly try. And I did love him. And as for that quote, "You're free to go, it's not my loss?" That was an angry reaction from someone who had just been dumped via E-Mail!! Very understandable, I think. Someone who collapsed when they made it home, only to barely find the energy to cry. As for dating someone else, that was a extremely last resort out of respect for myself. I am not going to be a man's doormat, waiting on them by the phone - forever and a day to see if they make up their minds if they want to be with me and/or love me. I pity girls who do that. I did love this man, and on some level, still do. I gave my all to him - listened to him and his issues, watched and bonded with his two young daughters, house sat for him after his dad died, I could go on and on. I did love him. But there is a time when you realize, that, HEY, he doesn't love me, and it's time to love me a little bit. And, YES, I Can.
Author rluv Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 We had broken up recently before, and I did go out on a date. We broke up because he said he didn't know if he could ever return the level emotionally that I was giving to him, he didn't know if he could ever be in a serious, committed relationship. I could tell this for a while. He wanted me to wait - indefinitely, and I DO mean indefinitely. I thought this unfair. I certainly did not expect a proposal. I just thought that after 10 months, he would know whether or not he would want to be getting more serious with me. And the answer I guess was no. I just thought that his expectation for him to remain exclusive with me while he worked things out, deciding if he was going to give himself to me emotionally - I started to resent him for that - I'm not going to wait indefinitely on someone who is uncertain, lukewarm towards me, biding and occupying their time with me. I feel like maybe I should send him an apology for being so short with him in my e-mail?
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't think you have anything to defend yourself for. He was cold and distant - you had to maintain the same level of decorum. I think you did a good job protecting yourself. Although I will admit that dating somebody else right after you said that you two were giving it another shot was strange. I think that's what's throwing several people off. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If you two had agreed to give it another shot, had he given you some indication that he still was not in it 100% that gave you the green light to date other guys? Because if he did - you left that part out.
Lucky_One Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I would have said that the "real" break-up was the one from two weeks ago. But when you dated someone else during the reconciliation period, you got a much less formal break-up; I mean, you DID go out with someone else right after you kissed and made up. I don't know if I would have made the possibly painful emotional effort to do a re-break-up in person, either.
Shygirl15 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 But like I said, like all strong women, don't ever wait around on a man too long. But - it does hurt. I really like your spirit.
Author rluv Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 After the first break-up, yes, I did go out on a date, which I was free to do. The break-up was because he told me he didn't know if he didn't know if he would ever be able to give of himself emotionally the same way I was giving to him, and he needed space, etc. I told him I would let him go, but I certainly didn't want to. But I wasn't going to put my life on hold!!! But going out on a date does not nullify your love for another. Another who you have been with for 10 months, who you have been told that it's implicitly expected that you are to wait indefinitely while he figures things out emotionally while you are on your best behavior. Like I said, although I really love this man - I miss his shirts, his scent, his sense of humor, his soft spokenness, his cooking, etc. - I was really, really taken for granted for quite a while. And like I said, I was really tired of putting my life on hold, which a woman - or a man - should never do. But the heart hears none of this - it just hurts.
BCCA Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Ive known people to get dumped via IM, text, note, call at work (me), and a bunch of other crappy ways. It sucks, and I feel for you. I guess at the end of the day, though, how probably doesnt matter as much. If you hear from him again, I would bet it will be...wait for it...through email
Author rluv Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 I will let you know!! :-) Thanks!!
lonelygurl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hello - I have been in a 10-month relationship which was just terminated two days ago via E-MAIL!!! We had recently broken up about two weeks ago, but agreed to start dating again, from a new and healthy perspective, try some better things, he said that he needed more 'space' for himself, keep the relationship lighter, but still retain the intimacy, as we would always be more than just friends. During this break-up period, I went on a date with someone, because I am an equal-opportunity woman, and I am not a doormat. I had been telling Michael (the BF of 10 months) that I wanted him more seriously, but he didn't know if he could ever give himself like that to me in return, didn't know if he could ever give me an answer. I certainly wasn't expecting a proposal (!), I just wanted to know if I should be getting serious with this guy, putting a real emotional investment with him, as he wasn't with me, even though he said he loved and cared about me, although he was pulling from me more and more. Now, I am moving on, even though it was two days ago. Can't help but think and wonder if I will EVER hear from him again. I did love him. But like I said, like all strong women, don't ever wait around on a man too long. But - it does hurt. An E-Mail!! Thoughts?? Thanks. I feel for you. All I got after seven years (broken) was a note after he snuck out in the middle of the night. Claiming he was up really early for work. It was like a slap in the face to find a note. You feel robbed and betrayed especially after seven years together.
Author rluv Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I am sooooo sorry. It is an investment, and he was such a coward (among other things) for not letting you know much, much sooner and telling you face-to-face. Mine sent me this a few days ago, and Valentine's Day is the day after tomorrow, so it has like, quadrupled the pain. He got to click and send his way out of it - how convenient. This will be the worst Valentine's ever...
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