So how do you decide if it is worth a second chance?

[movingonandon]

Well, my avatar actually turned true after ~6 months. Over a break up of a 5 year relationship, dating a nice new girl. But of course, as exes often do, mine showed up and made some pretty crazy, vague, and inconsiderate attempts to come back. Right now things stand at a point that we might see each other if i decide it is worth it. No need for more details, since I'm mostly curious of others' experiences - how did you actually make decision to give (or not to give) a second chance? Right now, I'm pretty much over the whole thing, and I *could* make a 2nd chance happen if i wanted to, but how would I know if it is worth it? Of course I still kinda miss her and some nice moments we've had, her personalisy quirks etc., but is that enough to consider a 2nd chance? After all, there are some not so pleasant things to remember too... So how do you decide? Is it possible to reach a rational conclusion that 2nd chance it is worth it? Or are 2nd chances given simply because people are still (and for sure) in love with each other???

 

So I'm not so much looking for advice on my situation - I've already received some and it concurs with my current gut feeling that it is probably wiser to well... keep moving on. But obviously I'm not 100% there yet, so that's why I'm curious to see what has been the *actual decision process* others have gone thrugh, regardless if the second chance was success or not...

[BikerBeagle]

I use the following two criteria to determine if a 2nd chance is warranted:

 

 

If you genuinely believe that real change is probable (not just possible, but probable) and that you’re both willing to put in the hard work it requires.

 

 

You receive enough benefits and rewards from the relationship that you’re both willing to forgive and work through the problems that caused your original break up.

[openbook08]

I use the following two criteria to determine if a 2nd chance is warranted:

 

 

If you genuinely believe that real change is probable (not just possible, but probable) and that you’re both willing to put in the hard work it requires.

 

 

You receive enough benefits and rewards from the relationship that you’re both willing to forgive and work through the problems that caused your original break up.

 

i gave him a second chance. i loved him with all my heart. he was my world for 5years. . . our 'problems' were ones that couldve worked out if we'd BOTH been willing to put in the hard work. unfortunately he thought it was just enough to say he was sorry & that hed made a mistake. he never made any effort to make it better, and i had a 'chip on my shoulder' because i did.

 

therefore the benefits & rewards from the rship..for me..werent enough. easy for him though because i really was a good girlfriend.

 

so i had to let him go.

 

about 2weeks later he was with somebody new (still ringin/textin/bein sweet...i thought maybe just maybe he truly realises what he was losing) but then i found out about her. and they moved in together after less than 4 months together.

 

agree, therefore, with biker beagle. but only you can decide for yourself.

[movingonandon]

If so, I'm probably wise to stick to "no".

 

Re: probable change

I still don't think she believes she did *anything* wrong (i.e. dumping me with the idea of hooking up with somebody else, which she did). Somehow her being "honest" and later deciding she loves me "more" is supposed to make it ok... Well, if you don't believe you were wrong to begin with, what change are we talking about?

 

 

Re: the work

It took forever for her to say (mumble) sorry, and she never even attempted to provide some sort of honest reflection of why she acted the way she did (other than "I felt so horrible"). Basically, she just changed her mind, and somehow I'm supposed to be flattered... (there were guilt trips from her side - "I'd understand if your pride stays above love", wha?...). So I don't think she understands how much work this would actually require. Not to mention that we already had a "pre-breakup" where I began to make some changes in my behavior (if way too slow and tentatively), while she just broke things off again just a couple of weeks later.

 

Also, I should confess that there other stresses that I simply don't want to deal with - sick (and insane) mother, financial uncertainty etc...

 

I guess the hardest part is ignoring the "what if" question (i.e. how do you make sure you're not missing an opportunity). Because, after all people might be able to learn and develop. I wouldn't want to be denied a second chance (in anything), just because of the way I've acted in the past - maybe I learned something in the interim, after all? So same here - maybe it's beginning to sink in that this is not a game etc...

 

I'll probably see her, just to make sure, though this will probably just prolong the crap...

[movingonandon]

our 'problems' were ones that couldve worked out if we'd BOTH been willing to put in the hard work. unfortunately he thought it was just enough to say he was sorry & that hed made a mistake. he never made any effort to make it better, and i had a 'chip on my shoulder' because i did.

 

 

 

So true... she even angrily told me once - "What else do you want me to do, I already said I'm sorry!"

I don't necessarily want to be "right", but both sides should provide at least some input... So, as much as I'm able to say "Sorry I was such an overbearing, condescending *******", she should be able to say "Sorry for being such a selfish, immature, b**ch"

 

Over the last several months she did wrong everything that she possibly could (such as calling me to probe waters while still with that dude). So the question is can she possibly do anything at all to reverse the damage to her image that she already inflicted on herself...

I should probably just man up an understand that the answer is probably "no" and forget about the whole thing once and for all...

[lonelygurl]

if you decide to give it a second chance I highly recommend you work on the issues that caused the first break. And I don't mean just work on them for the first year or two and then let it slide.....I mean continue to work on them and get into counseling if you have too.

 

I let my X back into my life and almost to the exact time frame 3.5 years later the relationship followed the same pattern and he left again.

 

I now am having much regret for letting him back into my life and feeling I have "wasted" 3.5 years with a man who never really changed and who stayed emotionally unavailable to me, couldn't support me when I needed it the way I had for him the first time we were together and didn't seem to really be interested in working on a real, long lasting loving relationship.

 

People don't change, unless something life threatening happens or they get serious therapy, that is my opinion (now).

[carhill]

OP, if you don't let go of relationships easily and, considering the issues at hand, I would not consider a reconciliation without proactive couples counseling with a psychologist. The way she approached these issues indicates that to me.

 

TBH, IMO, it's a big world. Try this one... "What if" the time and emotion you're spending on this ex causes you to not perform an action or occupy space which puts you in contact with a healthy, compatible and loving partner? This is how life works. Your decision

[movingonandon]

OP, if you don't let go of relationships easily and, considering the issues at hand, I would not consider a reconciliation without proactive couples counseling with a psychologist. The way she approached these issues indicates that to me.

 

TBH, IMO, it's a big world. Try this one... "What if" the time and emotion you're spending on this ex causes you to not perform an action or occupy space which puts you in contact with a healthy, compatible and loving partner? This is how life works. Your decision

 

Thanks, I just realised that the main difficulty in letting go (perhaps the only remaining one) is that I actually feel bad for her. It would be nice to be able to correct all the small things that have upset her in the past, and to spare her the disapointment of not giving it a 2nd shot.

 

She would probably agree to counseling - eventually - but as you say, I'm just questioning if it is worth the complications (plus other logistical complications such as dual advanced careers etc.). As condescending as it sounds, the girl is a complete mess, and I don't want to deal with it, though obviously I still are about her, probably enough to make a stupid move such as considering a 2nd chance , and ruining everything with my current mellow, silly, uncomplicated, and wonderful girlfriend .

[boldjack]

I think you're making the right choice.

My views are: honesty/trust issues- no second chance

addictions- no

sex differences-no

mental issues-no

other issues-depends

difference of opinion-possibly

[nature]

So, you have been split up for 6 months? Were you two living together? How old are you both? Why, exactly, did she dump you? Did she just spring it on you, or was it fairly mutual?

 

These things matter when considering a second chance. Was it a nasty breakup? How did you handle it? Have you two been in contact the entire time you've been broken up?

 

Does she know you have a new girlfriend? The reason I ask, is because sometimes jealousy can get the best of people, and cause them to want someone back for the wrong reasons.

 

If you were together 5 years, and she wants to come back, are you both ready to take it to the next level? Marriage? Because if you are not, then what is the point of going back? You do not want to get caught up in a dead end relationship that is not moving forward. Can you see her in your future? Can you see spending every day waking up beside her? Can you see building a family with her?

 

Put aside the hurt and such for now. Think about your future and what you really want. Before the breakup, was it a fairly healthy, stable relationship, or have you broken up numerous times before? I know you say you have somewhat of a break up before the actual break up, but before that, have you broken up before?

 

Make sure you are not going back to a dysfunctional relationship that is not growing.

[Phateless]

What caused you to break up in the first place?

 

What has changed so that the exact same thing won't happen again?

[aiina]

As condescending as it sounds, the girl is a complete mess, and I don't want to deal with it, though obviously I still are about her, probably enough to make a stupid move such as considering a 2nd chance , and ruining everything with my current mellow, silly, uncomplicated, and wonderful girlfriend .

 

And this happens for what you both share when you were a couple, until she decided to go hook with someone else. Then things didn't work for her and the new relationship (I bet he dumped her, or he wasn't really into her) and she decided she wanted you back.

 

Now, you have a new girlfriend, so I wonder, Did you tell her about your ex wanting you back? Does she knows you are considering the second chance? Isn't she important enought to you as to not doing to her what your ex did to you?

 

I mean, if you are considering a second chance, then you are not really into your new girlfriend, otherwise you wouldn't be even thinking about it. It's not about the second chance, it's about you to know what you want I guess.

 

luck

[carhill]

OP, you asked for experiences....

 

The benefit of MC has been mainly in the area of clarity. I identified a key area of incompatibility which behavior therapy is unlikely to affect, that being our disparate emotional styles. If not for that, my wife and I get on fairly well, superficially. We've separated before and I helped her buy her own house (where I'm posting from this morning). We started MC just prior to separation and continued it for about a year. The clarity, for me, was to realize she can never be emotionally close to me the way I need in an intimate relationship. It's just not in her personality and her two prior failed marriages are testament to it. As you might in your situation, I feel "bad" but empathizing with someone where there is no reciprocation makes for a one-sided relationship. I think she would be fine with a man who just wants sex and someone to hang out with. There are tons of those guys around, so I don't know why she picked me

 

After living this for 10 years, I know, if I were in your situation, I'd wish her well and pass on a "second chance". I'd also tell my current GF or love interest exactly what's going on. If you know anything of my story (read my journals), I have had this conversation with my female friend, for whom I've had feelings for many years, but now realize she's wired just like my wife, obviating a healthy intimate romantic relationship, no matter how we might feel about each other. Compatibility for a close friendship is very different than that for an intimate relationship, regardless of attraction and shared values, interests and all those other things. My marriage taught me that (my wife and I would make great friends, but suck at marriage).

 

Hope you find your truth

[movingonandon]

And this happens for what you both share when you were a couple, until she decided to go hook with someone else. Then things didn't work for her and the new relationship (I bet he dumped her, or he wasn't really into her) and she decided she wanted you back.

 

Now, you have a new girlfriend, so I wonder, Did you tell her about your ex wanting you back? Does she knows you are considering the second chance? Isn't she important enought to you as to not doing to her what your ex did to you?

 

I mean, if you are considering a second chance, then you are not really into your new girlfriend, otherwise you wouldn't be even thinking about it. It's not about the second chance, it's about you to know what you want I guess.

 

luck

 

Thanks for all the replies, good food for thought...

 

And you're right - it's about deciding what I want. My current gf are together only a couple of months, so it's hard to tell how things are going - i mean, even if they're going well I wouldn't really know, simply because they're so different. I'm definitely warming up to her though, so don't want to do anything stoopid.

 

As for whether she knows, I told her that a couple of months ex contacted me, and she was pretty sane & cool.

So the whole idea about possibly seeing the ex was making sure that we wouldn't miss an opportunity if there was one, but then this got me thinking is it realy worth it, hence the thread... i.e. I am not actually considering a 2nd chance, but trying to sort through things and determine if it is even worth considering...

 

As for how my ex came around - it's even worse - she basically jerked this guy around, on and off (or so she says), being unreliable, calling me while with him, etc., so although he really liked her, finally he was the one who had to dump her. She liked him, but says she was thinking about me all the time

[aiina]

As for how my ex came around - it's even worse - she basically jerked this guy around, on and off (or so she says), being unreliable, calling me while with him, etc., so although he really liked her, finally he was the one who had to dump her. She liked him, but says she was thinking about me all the time

 

Well, I am a woman, so I know a little about this subject. He wasn't into her, she has been trying to get his attention -as she does with you- and failed. That is what all this 'jerking' work was for.

 

Except from when women are dumped, the chances of us wanting to be back to our ex -whom we dumped- because we have been thinking about him while being in a good relationship are about 0.001% or less.

Plus, the fact that you are already in a new relationship makes her wanting you back now.

 

well, I think this is not just for women, men are same.

 

good luck!

[movingonandon]

Well, I am a woman, so I know a little about this subject. He wasn't into her, she has been trying to get his attention -as she does with you- and failed. That is what all this 'jerking' work was for.

 

Except from when women are dumped, the chances of us wanting to be back to our ex -whom we dumped- because we have been thinking about him while being in a good relationship are about 0.001% or less.

Plus, the fact that you are already in a new relationship makes her wanting you back now.

 

well, I think this is not just for women, men are same.

 

good luck!

 

 

Interesting, actually if that is true, more things make sense in retrocpect:

- shay says she confessed to him that she had some feelings for him (whils still with me), and asked him to stay away from her, and then says that he was mostly amuse by that.

- then, she dumps me and encounters him a couple of weeks later, and says he behaved very "business like", which "irritated her" a lot

- then, she says she dumped him multiple times, but a week later they're back together (either she calls him to see "how is he", or he "interprests her being nice as an invitation").

Wow, that looks even worse now .

So basically now all of a sudden i became the bad guy for not wanting her back given that she gave up on a promising relaitonship in order to get back with me .

Damn, if i could stop caring about her - i still do, though not because of current feelings - i'd be done with this whole thing

[movingonandon]

So, you have been split up for 6 months? Were you two living together? How old are you both? Why, exactly, did she dump you? Did she just spring it on you, or was it fairly mutual?

 

These things matter when considering a second chance. Was it a nasty breakup? How did you handle it? Have you two been in contact the entire time you've been broken up?

 

Does she know you have a new girlfriend? The reason I ask, is because sometimes jealousy can get the best of people, and cause them to want someone back for the wrong reasons.

 

If you were together 5 years, and she wants to come back, are you both ready to take it to the next level? Marriage? Because if you are not, then what is the point of going back? You do not want to get caught up in a dead end relationship that is not moving forward. Can you see her in your future? Can you see spending every day waking up beside her? Can you see building a family with her?

 

Put aside the hurt and such for now. Think about your future and what you really want. Before the breakup, was it a fairly healthy, stable relationship, or have you broken up numerous times before? I know you say you have somewhat of a break up before the actual break up, but before that, have you broken up before?

 

Make sure you are not going back to a dysfunctional relationship that is not growing.

 

Very good points. I'll answer mostly for myself...

 

So she was the one to dump me, her explanation was that she honsetly believed the relationship was over - we were in a LDR for 2 (after living together for 3 years) years, i was super stressed with trying to find work (in an extremely competitive field), and was giving her hard time for taking forever to be done with school. So, basically survigin got in the way of having a good relationship (I'm not making excuses, but assumed that being supportive etc. could "wait" until we're more stable. (The pre-break up was her initiative, but i stuck around and tried to reassure her, the real breakup was 3 weeks later ) She just "sprung it" on me. I was pretty much assuming that we're getting married once done with the exausting career transitions... (We're both 31 btw)

 

So, it wasn't a nasty break up and I handled is pretty bad, though within a reasonable time - ~3 months. After that, i was basically ok and then I started dating again.

 

Finally, although I still miss her, I get tense just thinking about the possibility. Initially I thought that it was mostly my anxiety/control tendencies that were causing this, but now that all of these stresses are removed, I still feel kind of tense and nervous about the prospect. She's just so scattered - in ALL aspects of her live - emotionally, career-wise, financially (though doing slighlty better these days), family problems, etc. Not to mention apparent emotional problems - I still think she squandered every realistic opportunity to get back together --> we were in contact occasionally, I apologised to her for my share of problems, she was speaking some half assed (IMO) intentions to get back together - all while still with that other dude. So, 6 months, I'm basically over it and other than the good memories of us, and some regrets (mostly about moments I did not let my/ourself to fully enjoy because of stress) I see less and less reasons to even try...

Maybe that relationship was a big mistake to begin with :(.

[nature]

So, 6 months, I'm basically over it and other than the good memories of us, and some regrets (mostly about moments I did not let my/ourself to fully enjoy because of stress) I see less and less reasons to even try...

 

It's been 6 months since you split up, but you are not over it. You would not be here writing about it if you were over it. And it's ok that you are not over it. But this girl is playing with you right now. No, she does not have a steady relationship with this new guy. She is pursuing him, and he is giving her the run around. I know. I'm a woman. That is why she is keeping you in the background as her security blanket at the moment. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth. You need to go absolute No Contact with this woman. No phone calls, emails, casual chit chat, nothing. Her ego is going to explode it's so big right now, having you still talking to her. Cut her off. Then let her see what life is like without you.

 

She needs to make a much bigger effort for you to give her a second chance. Because right now she is making no effort, except throwing a few words your way. Talk is cheap. Seriously cheap. She's attempting to string you along in the background because it keeps her feeling strong knowing you are still at the other end of a telephone for her if she needs to feel reassured. Because this new guy is not that into her. I can tell by everything you've said.

 

She broke up with you. She said your relationship had run it's course. Therefore, she does not get any part of you. Not even friendship. If she wanted your relationship to end, then she should have left you alone. This is BS that she's still calling you, telling you about her new guy, etc. How offensive. I'm surprised you've put up with it for as long as you have.

 

You are also not ready to be in a new relationship. It's not fair to yourself and it's not fair to your new girl. I'm sure she has no idea you are even considering a second chance with your ex. And for yourself, you are not emotionally ready to give your all to this new girl. You are not ready. Thus, a new relationship doesn't stand a chance in h*ll of surviving or going anywhere. You'd be smarter to end it with new girl, and heal, come to some decisions on your own, and then start dating once your head is clear. You are muddled up because you are still in contact with your ex, while trying to have a new relationship. You are doing yourself a disservice.

 

You need to cut contact with your ex for now. Heal by yourself. Let your ex feel what life is like without you. And if she comes to you in a clear state of mind, with no other guy in the picture, and wants to talk in a mature manner about your relationship and reconciliation, then give her the time of day. But right now, you are just her doormat, I'm sorry to say.

 

Maybe that relationship was a big mistake to begin with

No relationship is a big mistake to begin with. That's how we find the right person to spend our lives with. You date, you get involved, and find out if the two of you are willing to commit your lives to one another....through good times and bad. Regret is a useless emotion, so don't bother regretting it.

 

Start taking some positive steps forward in your life. Because right now, you are sounding just as muddled as your ex, I'm sorry to say.

[aiina]

You are also not ready to be in a new relationship. It's not fair to yourself and it's not fair to your new girl. I'm sure she has no idea you are even considering a second chance with your ex. And for yourself, you are not emotionally ready to give your all to this new girl. You are not ready. Thus, a new relationship doesn't stand a chance in h*ll of surviving or going anywhere. You'd be smarter to end it with new girl, and heal, come to some decisions on your own, and then start dating once your head is clear. You are muddled up because you are still in contact with your ex, while trying to have a new relationship. You are doing yourself a disservice.

 

You need to cut contact with your ex for now. Heal by yourself. Let your ex feel what life is like without you. And if she comes to you in a clear state of mind, with no other guy in the picture, and wants to talk in a mature manner about your relationship and reconciliation, then give her the time of day. But right now, you are just her doormat, I'm sorry to say.

 

 

I agree with nature message except for a few things.

 

Sometimes we really need other person showing us how easy and pleasant is to love them, and that is what your new girlfriend is offering to you. I don't think you need to dump her and take your time and reconsider with your ex. Unless that is what you want.

 

Actually, it would be great if you honour your new lady, put her first on your list and enjoy knowing her instead of loosing time listening to your ex, who will dump you again, and again if you give her the chance to be back.

 

Do you feel you can trust on your new girlfriend? Can you trust on your ex?

clear your air.

[movingonandon]

Thanks for the replies, and for the support, I appreciate it.

It is becoming apparent to me that there is probably no point in meeting her anymore. I guess i need a slap.

 

RE: how come I put up with all this for so long. Well, I don't think I've done anything doormat-y, or needy at all, ever. My thinking was along the lines that things are are down the crapper anyway, so might as well do anything in my power to ensure that I'm not missing some opportunity here. In other words, I didn't want to just assume on the spot that everything is over, irreversibly, for good. This would make life easier, but would by definitio prevent to exploit an opportunity for reconsiliation, if there was one - after all, people make mistakes and learn from that. I know I'm not perfect, but try to improve, and certainly would've appreciated a 2nd chance - in any sort of situation.

 

But, even this attitude can be taken too far, so I think i'll just cut any contact for good and concentrate on the new girl