Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Do you have children? Does your boss, the married man, have children? Did you mean your vows (better, worse, richer, poorer)? How long has your husband been out of work; is he depressed? Do you have healthcare? Can you go to counseling instead of cheating? Do you co-workers already know abou the affair? Then the whole conversation is a moot-point. Is there any policy at your job about this kind of thing? Could you husband sue your employer because you have entered into an affair with your direct boss? Have you really thought about the situation calmly, without passion (either for MM or against your husband)? Do you really think you can live with yourself as an OW? Could you introduce the MM to your family if you and your husband broke up? It feels like this entire thread skims the surface of a situation that should have great depth. I think you should tell your husband that you need a break, and move him to another bedroom in the house. If anything can shake a man out of lethargy it is cutting off sex....at least it is more honest than what you are doing... If you want to end the marriage, do it for yourself, not for another man. If you want to have a relationship, have one with a man that is available, not with a married man. And if the passion that you and the married man have together is too powerful, then at least be honest with your husband. Thank you for at least trying to understand! I truly appreciate it. I did not post here to get beat up. I have done enough of that myself. I really need a friend and someone to listen without being judgemental.
mourningMM Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 then you have already been judged. If you come here to have your decisions validated, half of the folks who answer will not agree with your choice, the other half will support you. You need to take a deep breath, and sit somewhere to actually think this out a bit more. It sounds like somewhere there are kids, yours from a previous marriage...so that give me enough of a frame of reference to say this. YOU do not have the right to make decisions JUST for yourself. If you are a mother, you have an obligation to look at your behavior from the perspective of what it teaches your children. Do you want your children to behave the way you are? The way your current husband is? The way their father did when he cheated and left you? What kind of example do you WANT to be... That is what I think you need to focus on. Imagine the person you would be proud of being, and then make all of your decisions to become her. Imagine the mother you want your children to have, and then suck-it-up and do what you need to do for them. You owe it to them...you brought them into this world; help make it a good one for them.
awkward Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Wow akward did that make you feel better? It doesn't make me feel anything at all. The others in this thread didn't seem to be providing you the type of support you seemed to want. Why are you being so defensive to all the posts? My first one was really the only one out of line and I was hoping that you would see the arguments to it are ridiculous. It wasn't meant to hurt you, but to help you. It just didn't work out that way. I was being a b**** and I apologize. I really do hope your affair is different. But, I think you should clean your house first. That is not a judgmental remark. It's just what most people are going to tell you because it is common sense. I realize that you feel like your hands are tied, but are they really? Does your husband know you are cheating? Will he leave if you tell him?
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Yes I have 3 children who are grown and living on their own. My first husband did not leave me I asked him to leave. To this day he wants to come home. I remarried shortly after divorcing him we had been married 23 years. I have been a good mother and I was a good wife who was hurt terribly. I remarried too soon and to someone who was the polar opposite of my first husband. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know what I am doing is wrong. It is just so nice to feel loved by someone if only for short periods of time. I don't know what I want to hear from people here I guess I am looking for the magic answer to make it all go away. Yes I am defensive because I am not stupid I know I am doing exactly what was done to me that turned my life upside down and changed me forever.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Laura, please think about seeking some counselling to help you through this. As for your husband, you've enabled his behaviour by allowing him to sit on his and do nothing. Why not just be honest with him? Tell him you're sick of seeing him waste his life away, tell him you're unhappy with the marriage and tell him that you love another man. He needs to be told something..The more you ignore the problems at home, nothing will change. The magic answer is - If you don't like who you've become and the choices you've made, stop making those choices that got you where you are now. Seek counselling, do some soul searching and put a plan into action.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 My husband is out of town this weekend visiting his son (in prison) and to be honest it is wonderful being here alone.
awkward Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm not sure what the magic answer is. But maybe you could try counseling. They are trained and could probably help you understand what you need. Maybe you should move into the spare bedroom while you try to get help. I would go NC with MM. If you can't get a new job, then try to only speak to him about work. If after you go to counseling, you still want MM then hopefully he will have already divorced his wife. Maybe you weren't completely healed after your first divorce. You said you remarried quickly. This time you met someone else before you left. None of these men are the answer. I think the magic answer is within yourself. You just need to get help to find it.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Thanks akward, sorry if I was nasty earlier.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 and to be honest it is wonderful being here alone. Then this is the perfect line to open with when your husband comes home. Tell him how happy you've felt while he was away and that you've done some thinking..Then open up and just come clean about what you're feeling about him, the marriage, him not working and doing nothing. See how he reacts..
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I know you are right. I am so afraid.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 What are you afraid of? Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from talking to him. Bottomline, your husband is lazy and gotten used to doing nothing. I'm sure he's depressed too..Talking to him WILL light the fire under his ass..He will have to learn to rely on himself eventually..I mean, he was fine without you before you two met, he'll be fine alone in the future.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 ok try not to laugh but he lived with his mother before we married. Not an option now. She had congestive heart failure moved in with us and we took care of her till she died here in my home.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Does he have other relatives? Aunt, Uncle? Other kids? Ones that aren't in jail? Anyway, if you two do divorce, you may have to pay him some spousal support until he gets on his feet again..
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 He has a daughter but she would never let him live with her. He has sisters but they are mad at him because he spent all the inheritance from his mother. I can't imagine having to pay him spousal support I have supported him for the last 4 years.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Again, enabling the behaviour.. You cannot stay married out because he won't work and won't survive. HE WILL survive, somehow. This man has taken advantage of you and it's time to stand up to him and tell him enough. Though I'm sure if you told him you have met someone else, that will do it, he may just leave.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You're right I know wanna come over while I do it for moral support : )
bentnotbroken Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 He has a daughter but she would never let him live with her. He has sisters but they are mad at him because he spent all the inheritance from his mother. I can't imagine having to pay him spousal support I have supported him for the last 4 years. And the longer you stay married and taking care of him, the more you will possibly have to pay, when you do divorce.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You're going to be fine. Look at it as the first step of changing your life. Forget MM right now..Focus on your own life..What MM does or doesn't do is out of your control anyway. He's chosen to stay with his wife, even though he's told you otherwise..Actions speak louder than words.. Start writing down stuff that you want to tell your husband. Or write him a letter, sit beside him and watch him read it, then talk about it.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Keep a good thought for me. This has really helped the more I post the more I realize the reason I got involved with the MM to begin with. I was just so miserable. I miss my family (the one I had for 23 years) I just so desperately want to be happy and have a partner not a dead weight. I had a good life with my first husband. He hurt me and now I am doing the same thing to someone else. Oh lifes twists and turns. Wish I could turn back time.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Ok, think back a second. Your 1st husband cheated on you, you left him.. He probably regrets cheating and more than likely realized that what he felt for the OW wasn't love, it was an escape, it was to make him feel good about himself..Kind of like what you're feeling and doing with the MM you're seeing now. You may THINK you love the MM, but it's all based in an affair setting. Fantasy, fun and not real life. You two make eachother feel good, it's selfish and taboo, hidden away from everyone and everything. THAT is NOT love, nor is it a healthy relationship. Think about that for abit..Realize what you feel for MM is more about YOU than HIM. And yes, what you are doing to another woman is just wrong, especially since you know firsthand how it feels.. Think about the counseling too, it'll help you.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Wish I could turn back time. You can't. But you can make sure the recent past doesn't continue..Aka the affair.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You are right I know that. Just out of curiousity have you been cheated on or have you cheated?
bentnotbroken Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 WWIU, gives some of the best advice and she is a lot more gentle than a lot of us.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I had an online crush about 5 years ago. Didn't last long and it was totally inappropriate and self serving, looking back at it now it's like it never happened. My H has had a crush as well, nothing happened and nothing came of it, but that was a long time ago though.. We're doing great, no issues at all. So I wouldn't consider myself an OW or a BS.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 You are lucky! Thank you for your support and conversation this evening. Hopefully I will find a way out of this mess that is my life right now.
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