Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I am in a relationship with a married man. He tells me he is divorcing his wife and seems to be sincere. Then he goes shopping with her for a new dress. I seem to be missing him more than enjoying him. I can not believe I am in this situation. I always thought the "other woman" was a horrible person. Now I am that person and very much in love. Any advice would be appreciated. Do I stick with it and see what happens or do I walk away?
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 How long have you been having an affair with him and how many years has he been married? Do they have children? He typically doing what many MM do, string their OW along. He is having the best of both worlds, a wife at home to meet his needs, he gets to live in the comfort of his own home, keeps his lifestyle, his friends, inlaws, around meanwhile he sneaks off and makes time for you when it suits him. More than likely their marriage is fine and whatever he's told you about divorcing is not true. Has he made his wife out to be an awful person, or made it seem like he's very unhappy in his marriage? Chances are, she isn't as awful or their marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be. I hope you take time to sit and go through newer and older threads in this section, you'll see a pattern..And also take some time to go to the infidelity section so you can see the other side of this..You are helping this man cheat and betray his wife..EVEN if he DID leave her, how could you ever trust him? Here's a man who said vows infront of family and friends, and he's cheating on the woman he vowed to love and be faithful to forever. Sounds like the bad is outweighing the good, so it's time for you to put yourself first, think about ending it so you can heal and be with someone who will put you first, not take bits and pieces from a man who puts you last. Don't mean to sound harsh but if you continue to stay in this affair it will ruin you.
scared_hope Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 good coping methods for missing someone: *always keep yourself busy...not like running around more of getting to know yourself better time. for example. find a new hobby. make new goals and honestly work on completing them. learn something new (drawing, photography, anything, you can get to do books from the library) but no matter what keep yourself busy... now for the bigger issue, you feel like you are being neglected and taken for granted, talk to him about it, you have to tell him how you are feeling. after talking to him then you should decide if its worth it or not. goodluck:bunny:
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Ok so does everyone think they will be the lucky one that it will work out for? By the way it's even worse the MM is my boss. Good Lord I can't believe I have allowed myself to do this. I was married for 23 years and my husband cheated on me and now I am doing the same thing. What is wrong with me???? They have been married 26 years.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Yikes, double whammy here.. You know the pain of being betrayed, the loss of love, respect and trust..Yet you can turn around and do that to another woman, bed her husband..The man who is your boss? I don't mean to sound too harsh here, but reality is, you're making a big mess of your life and sooner or later this WILL catch up to you and ruin you. Not only your personal life, but your career and reputation. I doubt you want to be office gossip.. Are you still married or did you and your husband divorce? Is this a revenge affair? How did it start? Was your boss your 'friend' during your rough times after you found out your husband cheated on you? How long have you been in this affair? I think deep down you know you have to end it.. No good can come of it.
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I am divorced from my husband of 23 years. I remarried and have been married a little more than 2 years. I have a very successful career and I met MM 6 months ago when he was employed at my office. We worked closely together and we are very much alike. I thought he was interested and we flirted for awhile. My husband went out of town and his wife was out of town. The rest is history. Now I am in a situation I don't know what to do about. Please understand I am not a bad person or a stupid woman. I love being with him but I am smart enough to know this is an impossible situation. I also know the danger both professionally and personally I just don't know what to do and how to end this without ruining my career and my reputation. On the other hand I love him so much but how can I do this to another woman especially when I know how it feels. I am rambling I know oh God what have I done????
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Also what you're doing to your own husband..But it is good you're thinking of the damage and pain this is going to cause another innocent woman..His wife. You're not stupid or bad..You're just making some bad choices and putting yourself in a stupid situation that's going to hurt his wife and your husband..Let alone yourself. 6 months isn't that long so whatever you feel for him, is based on selfish and in the moment feelings. It's not real life or reality..It's fantasy, affairyland where only you and him exist. That place where you can justify what you're doing when you're with him but once you go home and crawl into bed with your husband, it's harder to justify it.. What if you focussed your energy into your husband? Told him that you were/are unhappy in the marriage? What was it about your husband being away that made you feel you could go ahead and cheat on him?
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Another thing, do you plan on divorcing your husband? Or are you waiting until he divorces his wife and THEN you'll divorce your husband? Because it sounds like you're hoping he'll leave his wife, yet you have no plans at the moment to leave your husband. Either way, if you aren't inlove with your husband anymore, divorce him so he can find someone else who will love him and not cheat on him.. Don't stay and settle because MM has chosen his wife and marriage over you.
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 My husband is unemployed and has been for the majority of our marriage. I pay for everything he has made little or no attempt to find work and when he does have an interview he does everything he can to not get the position. I feel used and taken advantage of. I would love to divorce him but he has no money and no where to go. I know you think I am a horrible person but I truly just want someone to love me.
TOWinNYC Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I would love to divorce him but he has no money and no where to go. I know you think I am a horrible person but I truly just want someone to love me. Hi Laura, The magic question always is - is the A making you happier than it's making you unhappy? Once that's answered you'll know what steps you need to take. And no, I don't think you're a bad or stupid person. As much as we'd like it to be, the world isn't black & white but various shades of gray. And sometimes you end up in "situations" (like you not divorcing your H b/c he's unemployed, even though it sounds like you should/want to). Just out of curiosity, are you sure there isn't a part of you that's comfortable "having a husband" (a very socially acceptable thing) rather than divorcing him and being single? That being said, I do agree with WWIU in that 6 months isn't a very long time. Not that "time" has anything to do with the "depth" of feelings - but there is something to be said for the correlation of emotional attachment and time. Having "wonderful" with someone for 6 months is different than having the same "wonderful" for 10 years, I don't care if it's an A or M. Perhaps this MM wasn't meant to be your Forever Guy but a catalyst for making changes in your life?
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I am sitting here this morning wishing I could jump off a cliff. I have made such a mess of my life and I just don't know how to fix it.
jj33 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Laura everyone thinks that they will be the exception. But if you read the threads it doesnt change in most cases. And if it does its because the OW walks away from the A and says she needs more than that. Otherwise if the man isnt seriously planning to leave what motivation does he have? He has it all. The shopping thing just means he hasnt told her. What is he planning? Why is he waiting? that is the question. Youve likely read it on other threads. You need to walk. Its the only road to sanity. Either he will divorce and you can build a new relationship together. Or he wont and you can move on. Its so painful but that is how it is. Your situation is more complicated because you are married and dont seem to want to leave either. Even if he left what is it that you want? If he left would you leave your H? You need a plan. For you. Take heart things will improve.
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I am in a relationship with a married man. He tells me he is divorcing his wife and seems to be sincere. Then he goes shopping with her for a new dress. I seem to be missing him more than enjoying him. I can not believe I am in this situation. I always thought the "other woman" was a horrible person. Now I am that person and very much in love. Any advice would be appreciated. Do I stick with it and see what happens or do I walk away? He seems to be a man too, but that is also a myth. So this is what you are in love with:confused: A myth.
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 He is a man and I do love him. I am happier with him than without him. I think I will hold on and see how this shakes out.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Maybe if you talked to your husband and told him that he has to get off his butt, find a job and explain to him that you feel taken advantage of, and how unhappy you are, something could actually change in your marriage. Or, just come clean and tell him that you've fallen inlove with someone else. To stay in your marriage and suffer, and go looking for happiness outside with someone else is pure selfishness. And cruel. If you choose and it sounds like you are, to stay in the affair be prepared for alot of heartache. Obviously it's your decision and choice here, but I think you're digging yourself a bigger hole..
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 He is a man and I do love him. I am happier with him than without him. I think I will hold on and see how this shakes out. A good man doesn't create a situation that is hurtful to so many people on purpose. A good man doesn't find a way to lie instead of being sincere. A good man is just that.....man. Sounds like you might need to figure out how you end up with men who will do the least(no job and cheating) in relationships instead of partnering.
jwi71 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 He is a man and I do love him. I am happier with him than without him. I think I will hold on and see how this shakes out. Well...which man again? You will hold on to your H or to the MM? And I hate to tell you this, but you are the office tramp. Conversations will go like this: Worker1: "Dude, there's Laura. I hear she can suck the chrome of a ball hitch." Worker2: "No doubt - I wonder if I can get some?" Worker3: "Huh? What are you talking about?" Worker1: "She's banging the boss - how do you think she got promoted?" Worker3: "No way! Really?!?!?" Worker2: "Its called job security! Can't get fired when you're blowing the boss in the supply room!" Laughter ensues. You have been around long enough to know that's true. You may NOT be the office tramp, but you will be painted as such. Really, office A's are really bad ideas. I mean really bad. Don't **** where you eat. End the office A for no other reason than the credibility hit you take. Even if you D your H and your MM leaves his W and you guys build an R - leave that job.
tchrgrl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Hi Laura...I am in a similar situation. Married (8 yrs) and 2 young children and got involved with a married man about 6 months ago. No one at work, that makes your situation a million times harder, but I became attached very fast. Very lonely in my marriage and loved the way the A made me feel...wanted again, desirable, all that stuff. I know how you feel about that cliff! I hated the guilt of seeing my husband and kids and knowing that I was possibly ruining their lives due to my selfishness. About a month ago, the MM told me that we should cut ties now as we "had our fun" without getting caught, etc. I was physically ill but didn't want to show it. I had told him prior that this was casual on my end as well. We had no intention of leaving our families, etc. Nothing is casual for me and so I was crushed. He has texted me twice, and e-mailed me once...I have not replied. He ended it and I know it's for the best. I struggle everyday with this. I think time and distraction is all that will help. I know that it is probably unrealistic for you to change jobs but just know that you are not stupid, etc. and other people know what you are going through.
Author Laura P Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I am not the office tramp but thanks for your opinion. It is very easy to judge people when you are not in the situation. I used to think anyone who would be with a married man was a tramp. Every situation is different and unless you have walked a mile in someone shoes you don't know.
bentnotbroken Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I am not the office tramp but thanks for your opinion. It is very easy to judge people when you are not in the situation. I used to think anyone who would be with a married man was a tramp. Every situation is different and unless you have walked a mile in someone shoes you don't know. What changed you opinion of people who are ow, you are one now? Of course we all make exceptions to our rules when they involve us. We don't want to be what we label others. We don't want people to view us as the stereotypes we had. What makes you not all the things you used to think about OW? What are you doing differently? Are you trying to save his marriage, yours? Are you not having sex with him? Are you not lying to your H and his wife(by omission)?What is it that makes you different than you thought all those ow were? I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to say you are wrong and continue to be wrong by stringing your H along and ignoring the ramifications of an A on your family and his. I don't' know if you are a tramp or not. I think that label is irrelevant. But you are helping to destroy 2 families.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 I am not destroying anyones family. I have no family and if his family were perfect he wouldn't be with me.
anne1707 Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I am not destroying anyones family. I am not destroying anyones family. I have no family and if his family were perfect he wouldn't be with me. So basically you want us to tell you that you and your OM are meant to be together and that your husband and his wife do not matter and cannot be hurt by your actions.
Author Laura P Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 My husband hurts me every day as he sits here doing nothing and I carry the entire load. I work 60 hours a week and he sits at home living the good life. But I guess because he is not cheating that makes everything ok.
bentnotbroken Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I am not destroying anyones family. I have no family and if his family were perfect he wouldn't be with me. No family is perfect. They are made up of imperfect people. But that doesn't mean they aren't a real family that loves and cares for each other, flaws and all. He is with you because you allow it. He can't be with you if you don't give him the opportunity, legally that is. And you said you were married. Last time I checked a H is family, whether you like him or not. He does deserve to be set free to find a life of his own without any ties to you.
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