lonelygurl Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 why does the pain have to be so unbearable??? it is getting worse.... I saw my therapist today and we have come to the conclusion that for the first two months I was still in shock and not really dealing with the actual reality of the break up. I sent an email yesterday to my X about the hurt and betrayal I felt and how he must have never loved me. He of course replied rather nasty. I called and talked to him today, and things were left on a better note, but I do know that he has a new girlfriend and is moving on like he did last time. I told him I still love and miss him but would no longer bother him, which is what happened the first time. I have to respect his choice to move on as hard as it is. But I didn't want it to be left with the way it was with the emails, because that wasn't like us/me, and when you are hurt badly you can get mean without really meaning it. He said that was understandable. I don't understand why we have so much hurt and pain and they just seem to move on like we never existed. My counselor said it isn't really the way it is. She said he may have a new girlfriend, but that is his way of avoiding dealing with the break up and not actually dealing with it. I have to learn to not think about it/him. I guess as the shock wears off and the reality sets in the loneliness and depression is becoming worse. My counselor said I can expect to be like that for a good six months or more. With my relationship being a long term one (over seven years) it will likely take a year or more for me to completely recover. I guess I have been avoiding dealing with the pain properly. I guess the avoidance is because really who wants to feel so hurt and betrayed and lonely. I feel I've gone completely back to square one. I can barely eat, I feel sick all the time. I can't stop thinking about him, I miss him all the time, wishing he was still here, hoping he'll change his mind. I wake up from nightmares or go into a sudden sheer terror that I will never see him again. It is unbelievable how much it hurts and how now I can't seem to stop crying all the time. I just feel like I want to curl up into a ball and sleep for how ever long it takes for this pain and suffering to end. She has recommended a book for me to read that was written by the woman who actually designed the chart on the 5 stages of grieving and I also bought a book about rage. I have a lot of past issues to do with my abusive/neglective childhood that has brought me to the present state of my mental illness this past year. I have to really work on healing from this break up and working on my health. I just feel so sad and lonely all the time and I just can't imagine how I will ever get through each day. It seems the pain is getting worse not better.:sick::sick:
sinkerswim Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 (((HUGS))) I can relate to how much you miss him and how you feel everyday. I have only been moved out less than a week..and its unbearable for me not see him or touch him. You are right...your ex is dealing with this in his own way. Someday it will catch up to him and realize what he did and what he lost in you. I truly believe that. But for now...for the both of us.. as hard as it is..We have to accept that they dont want to be in a relationship with us right now. Who knows what will happen down the road..as him and I are remaining friends... But I cannot call him or keep wanting to ask if he misses me. He actually contacted me the other night and told me how much he misses me and having me around.. and has cried since I left the apartment to go back to PA. but nothing major since...just small short emails about my cat. I have to remember he wants SPACE now. He has to adjust to moving on as well..I am sure its very hard for him..but I have to tell myself..he has to distance himself from me too..in order to heal and realize what he wants in life. because he did call this a separation. Anyway I know what you mean about wanting to sleep until the pain ends. If it makes you feel any better..I am right along side you. I can hardly think or function. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Its gonna be a long road.. BUT WE WILL GET THERE..and I pray that we feel good again one day.
Author lonelygurl Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 (((HUGS))) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Its gonna be a long road.. BUT WE WILL GET THERE..and I pray that we feel good again one day. I hope to get there one day...but from what I've read and what my counselor told me today it is a very long haul and I'm already just so exhausted.
sinkerswim Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Yes.. It will be a long road...But I have to take my own advice here.. In time ...the pain will be less. My goodness... 5 years ago to the day I was grieving over my ex fiance leaving me...(its what first brought me to LS) If you would have told me 5 years into the future..that I would be grieving over another love...I would have thought you were crazy. I met my current ex a year after my ex fiance left me. It was the best day of my life. I would do anything to go back and re-live all our special moments these past 3.5 years. I know how you feel..is all I can say. I KNOW. I even have to try to rebuild my life out here in PA...get a job..etc. I can hardly concentrate on anything but him..how am I suppose to work??? He is all I think about. Day and night. I start to shake as soon as I wake up in the morning. I hate facing a new day. But... Its gotta get better. Its just got to.. for me and you both. *hugs*
D-Lish Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 It's truly best to stop contacting him- if his replies are nasty and not comforting- it will only make you feel worse if you keep reaching out to him. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been there myself - 7 years with someone (and a marriage) that I had to walk away from. It took me a long time to recover- but the whole recovery period wasn't riddled with depression. I had good days and bad days- and some relapses... But I got through it and you will too. Hang in there. You can't sleep off heart break- because the heart break will begin to manifest in your dreams. You can't escape it- which is why it's best to deal with the pain head on and let it run its course.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting..All you can do is try to get through this and take it one day at a time..Though it would be really good for you to spend time with friends, laugh it up and have some fun. Try falling asleep with the TV on, or some music, it may help relaxe you and also not let your mind drift to him and the pain..
nature Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Lonely....you broke up with him, did you not?? Try to think of the reasons you broke up with him. They must have been very strong reasons for you to end a 7 year relationship. What were they? Force yourself to think about them. This will bring you back to reality. Because right now you are so immersed in the sadness of finding out he has a new girlfriend. But if he didn't get a new girlfriend right away, you more than likely, would not be feeling so sad. Do you know what I mean? It's causing you to put him up on a pedestal, rather than looking at him in the realistic way that made you end it with him in the first place. Forget about the new girl. This is his way of coping. He was probably very hurt when you broke up with him, so is doing anything to salvage his ego. So try to remember why you broke up with him. Because you weren't happy in the relationship with him. Don't let the fact he has a new girl cause you to forget the unhappiness you felt with him. Sometimes we trick ourselves into wanting what we can't have. But if you had him beside you right now, back in the same relationship with him, would it really be so great? Probably not, if you chose to break up with him. Snap yourself back to reality when you start feeling hurt. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Author lonelygurl Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Lonely....you broke up with him, did you not?? Try to think of the reasons you broke up with him. They must have been very strong reasons for you to end a 7 year relationship. What were they? Force yourself to think about them. This will bring you back to reality. Because right now you are so immersed in the sadness of finding out he has a new girlfriend. But if he didn't get a new girlfriend right away, you more than likely, would not be feeling so sad. Do you know what I mean? It's causing you to put him up on a pedestal, rather than looking at him in the realistic way that made you end it with him in the first place. Forget about the new girl. This is his way of coping. He was probably very hurt when you broke up with him, so is doing anything to salvage his ego. So try to remember why you broke up with him. Because you weren't happy in the relationship with him. Don't let the fact he has a new girl cause you to forget the unhappiness you felt with him. Sometimes we trick ourselves into wanting what we can't have. But if you had him beside you right now, back in the same relationship with him, would it really be so great? Probably not, if you chose to break up with him. Snap yourself back to reality when you start feeling hurt. I'm sorry you are hurting. no nature, he broke up with me. He left me a note and left in the middle of the night.
nature Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Oh Lonely, I'm so sorry. I think I confused your story. He broke up with you by leaving you a note? Were there any signs leading up to this that you can think of? OH GAWD that's hurtful.
steve9417 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 hi lonelygurl ......... wanted to say a few things in response to your post please don't get fixated on the time element of your healing - i really hear you on not wanting this pain (i know i've cried for many months - but i think i'm a good way to having cried all the tears out ....... almost anyways) remember that all this pain/grieving is actually a disguise - its actually about your very own rebirth ....... remember as difficult as it is right now, is about YOU and your personal growth try not to look to the point when you're better or not in this place - this only delays the process of healing - stay in the present - stay with the pain - in fact welcome it - as odd as that may sound - all this acute pain is a good thing - you loved someone and with the loss of a love your price for being honest with welcoming someone into your heart is this pain ....... the more you're authentic with how you're FEELING or EXPERIENCING then the more genuine will be your own healing ....... remember to trust yourself - go with your multitude of feelings .......... and when you've ridden the roller coaster of emotions you'll find that one day you'll notice that the waters around you are calmer ...... don't look for that day in the present - that will happen in good time ....... there may and perhaps will be many difficult days between that and now - but ACCEPT them - open yourself to them - realise that these periods are about your recovery and healing .............. pain, frustration, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, loss, curiosity of a new life, excitement, the returning of your own self regard/ love and confidence ......... all of these things are there to open themselves but right now ......... open yourself to what you're body needs to experience - welcome it ........ there is no timeframe - please don't look to others to tell you a formula for how long this will take ........... your unique and your healing is unique as well .......... that's why no one here can really tell you when you're in a much better place .......... all i can say is be with how you feel and then one day you'll not have to want to be better because you will be better for me a lot of the pain was little to do with my ex - it was to do with personal loss at a much earlier stage in my life which i'd inadvertently covered up ......... i could have chosen to jump into a relationship many times like my ex but then that would be doing myself a disrespect ....... i want this period in my life to be significant and i want this to be the making ....... ME as another post says above - there is nowhere to hide right now ........ not even in sleep ........ based on what you've said you'll be processing a huge amount of things at a subconscious level ....... even in sleep - i wish i could wave a wand and you not be in all this pain ..... but sadly no one can - all i say is welcome the many experiences that are within you ....... PLEASE don't identify yourself with these feelings (depression etc).... they're only passing emotions/feelings ..... ACCEPT them as temporary (thats what they are) ..... if you don't resist them then you'll find that they won't persist within you you'll find that you don't have to work on yourself to get better ....... be gentle and welcoming to what you need to experience and you'll find recovery opening itself to you this is all about you .......... a very big hug .......... you're very much loved
sedgwick Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I am now 19 months out from a 10 month relationship and nowhere near over him. I feel like the biggest loser ever, like there's really something wrong with me that I'm not over it yet. I'm in DBT as well (replied to you with that in another post, then saw this one), and it's helping me some. It's still really hard for me to go out and be around others, especially musicians, but I'm going to force myself to do it tonight. This is the big challenge-of-the-week from my therapist. I'm really scared -- I have all but stopped going out and doing anything social since he left me. Do you think DBT is helping you? Do you think this obsession is a facet of the disorder, and that if we weren't borderline we wouldn't feel this way?
Author lonelygurl Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Oh Lonely, I'm so sorry. I think I confused your story. He broke up with you by leaving you a note? Were there any signs leading up to this that you can think of? OH GAWD that's hurtful. nature there were signs that our relationship was starting to not go so well. We both knew it, I actually had posted on here way back about breaking up with him. But I am in DBT and during a module of Interpersonal Relationships we discussed about repairing relationships and with talking to my counselor I decided that we had been together so long and I really do love him I wanted to continue trying to repair it. I had posted on here about how I had tried different things to keep the relationship going, but he seemed to be putting no effort into it, and then I got sick, and I really saw he wasn't trying. Our story goes much longer and deeper than that, but I have learned more about us together and I am realizing more about him with being together for a second time and for so long. My X has many issues that he has never really dealt with, and I do believe he becomes emotionally unavailable. I have been reading about people like that and also a book about men who can't commit, he fits in so many ways. He has a very troubled childhood, like myself and never has dealt with it. When the sex slows down, he doesn't know what to do, so he starts looking elsewhere. It has been his pattern all his life. I knew this when I met him over seven years ago, I guess I thought I was different. You'd think a man of almost 45 years of age would change, but as my pdoc has said "it is safe to say some people never change" It still came as a deep betrayal and shock that he would leave a note and and leave in the night. Why did he not talk to me about it, talk about working on things. I have had a lot of self loathing this time for allowing him back into my life after he walked out the first time, because I really feel now I've wasted 3.5 years with a man that promised so much but in the end was just the same. It doesn't make it hurt any less.
Author lonelygurl Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I am now 19 months out from a 10 month relationship and nowhere near over him. I feel like the biggest loser ever, like there's really something wrong with me that I'm not over it yet. I'm in DBT as well (replied to you with that in another post, then saw this one), and it's helping me some. It's still really hard for me to go out and be around others, especially musicians, but I'm going to force myself to do it tonight. This is the big challenge-of-the-week from my therapist. I'm really scared -- I have all but stopped going out and doing anything social since he left me. Do you think DBT is helping you? Do you think this obsession is a facet of the disorder, and that if we weren't borderline we wouldn't feel this way? I think DBT is helping to an extent. I am in so much personal tumroil that I really am not able to use the skills/practice. But I am glad that I am able to go to group and take in the information. Right now group is far to stressful for me because sadly I have many disorders and one being GAD. So listening to other group members and their daily dilemna's makes me very upset. It is also much worse right now because I am still in the middle of medication changes and will be for several months. I'm not sure what disorder you speak of when you say facet of the disorder? As my counselor explained to me yesterday....... You can NOT compare your healing to others because........everyone has a different childhood. Most of our problems in adulthood stem from our childhood. If we were not nutured well during childhood we can not manage/cope well with adulthood situation. I am learning this and believe this to be true. Now this may not be the case for ALL people, as she said some people have certain triggers that turn a switch on to the disorders that they end up with. You can PM if you would like to get more personal without everyone seeing!
sedgwick Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 I'm not sure what disorder you speak of when you say facet of the disorder? Borderline Personality Disorder -- I was under the impression that DBT was created specifically to treat it. At the hospital I go to, you have to have a Borderline diagnosis to get into the DBT program.
Author lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Borderline Personality Disorder -- I was under the impression that DBT was created specifically to treat it. At the hospital I go to, you have to have a Borderline diagnosis to get into the DBT program. I think it originally started as being for BPD, but I copied this piece about Marsha Linehan the woman that designed DBT. It is being used to treat all sorts of mental health issues. Not just anyone can take it and it is not offered anywhere. I had gone to emergency psyche patient and after a few months they recommended me for a short program of six weeks at the hospital. After that the nurse and social worker saw how bad I was and with the psychiatrist I was seeing they decided I would benefit from the DBT. DBT unlike CBT tries to teach you to live in the here and now, not the past or future. And since it uses mindfulness which is based on Buddhism. I take it at a hospital because it is a mental health hospital in my city that deals with severe cases of mental health issues. This hospital is specifically for that reason only, and also where patient’s go for in-patient care if feeling suicidal ect. It is also where they do what they call day treatment, for people who don’t want to be admitted. The day treatment is everyday all day for six weeks. They also run numerous groups all day several times a day all week. I was also suppose to be in an anxiety group two times a week, but I was only just recently referred to my new anxiety specialist psychiatrist, and his group is full so I have to wait until around late March or so. Here is the piece I found on Marsha Linehan: “DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT is the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be effective for treating BPD. Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who represent varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury. DBT includes the following key elements: behaviorist theory, dialectics, cognitive therapy, and DBT’s central component, mindfulness.”
Author lonelygurl Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 hi lonelygurl ......... wanted to say a few things in response to your post please don't get fixated on the time element of your healing - i really hear you on not wanting this pain (i know i've cried for many months - but i think i'm a good way to having cried all the tears out ....... almost anyways) remember that all this pain/grieving is actually a disguise - its actually about your very own rebirth ....... remember as difficult as it is right now, is about YOU and your personal growth try not to look to the point when you're better or not in this place - this only delays the process of healing - stay in the present - stay with the pain - in fact welcome it - as odd as that may sound - all this acute pain is a good thing - you loved someone and with the loss of a love your price for being honest with welcoming someone into your heart is this pain ....... the more you're authentic with how you're FEELING or EXPERIENCING then the more genuine will be your own healing ....... remember to trust yourself - go with your multitude of feelings .......... and when you've ridden the roller coaster of emotions you'll find that one day you'll notice that the waters around you are calmer ...... don't look for that day in the present - that will happen in good time ....... there may and perhaps will be many difficult days between that and now - but ACCEPT them - open yourself to them - realise that these periods are about your recovery and healing .............. pain, frustration, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, loss, curiosity of a new life, excitement, the returning of your own self regard/ love and confidence ......... all of these things are there to open themselves but right now ......... open yourself to what you're body needs to experience - welcome it ........ there is no timeframe - please don't look to others to tell you a formula for how long this will take ........... your unique and your healing is unique as well .......... that's why no one here can really tell you when you're in a much better place .......... all i can say is be with how you feel and then one day you'll not have to want to be better because you will be better for me a lot of the pain was little to do with my ex - it was to do with personal loss at a much earlier stage in my life which i'd inadvertently covered up ......... i could have chosen to jump into a relationship many times like my ex but then that would be doing myself a disrespect ....... i want this period in my life to be significant and i want this to be the making ....... ME as another post says above - there is nowhere to hide right now ........ not even in sleep ........ based on what you've said you'll be processing a huge amount of things at a subconscious level ....... even in sleep - i wish i could wave a wand and you not be in all this pain ..... but sadly no one can - all i say is welcome the many experiences that are within you ....... PLEASE don't identify yourself with these feelings (depression etc).... they're only passing emotions/feelings ..... ACCEPT them as temporary (thats what they are) ..... if you don't resist them then you'll find that they won't persist within you you'll find that you don't have to work on yourself to get better ....... be gentle and welcoming to what you need to experience and you'll find recovery opening itself to you this is all about you .......... a very big hug .......... you're very much loved Thank you! it all makes so much sense and it is true that I have to accept the pain to get past it. And I agree that no one can put a time frame on how long the pain and grieving will last.
sedgwick Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 DBT unlike CBT tries to teach you to live in the here and now, not the past or future. And since it uses mindfulness which is based on Buddhism. I know. I'm in it. The fundamentals of DBT are drawn from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh. Also, just as a beseechment to all here -- would you be willing to actually end sentences with periods, and put them in paragraphs, instead of long chunks with ten-dot ellipsis? It makes it MUCH easier to read!
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