Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 This girl isn't independent, she's very...odd...
The Collector Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I think she was hurt in her last relationship. she might be scared, Just on these two points, do you ever see any threads on here from someone who got hurt in their last relationship, or is scared, so they are considering passing on a man they find attractive?
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 I'd rather move on than be less of a priority than someone's home-owner organization. Sorry, I meant she was a single homeowner, and she is fixing it up to sell. Had to repair plumbing, some other things etc, as it is under contract. I dont even really know if she knows I am thinking of her. I have no idea if she passing me, or considering passing me. But yes, I have read many women say they have been very careful once they start dating again, after a divorce, bad break up, been cheated on etc. Some have said they did not date for years. I know she was living with a guy for years, and they ended it seven months ago. I have no idea what to make of it.. On one hand she seems to be pushing me away, but when i am with her she seems to do her best to keep my interest. I also notice she is insecure in ways, although she is very beautiful. I do think she is attracted to me. I know that. I am thinking possibly she is not in a spot for anything more, just wants sex, or is very insecure so she needs to control. I mean I do not know someones life history after 1 month and 4 dates. She seemed to be getting much closer, then she just cancelled this Thursday.. I am usually with the other extreme. The girl that is always available. But for some reason that burns out quickly. So all of this is new to me.
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 What is the better route? Count on that perhaps she is thinking of me as well, and just play it cool when she contacts me? Talk to her, or write her an email, completely sincere, telling her how I view things, asking questions I have, and telling her what I need from someone.
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 IMO, relationship/dating talks should always be face-to-face and outside the bedroom. I wouldn't play games with someone you're having sex with, especially after reading your prior post about her style. Show consistency and confidence if you want to stay in this.
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Show confidence through opening myself up and showing I care, and am interested? And asking questions about what is going on? Or confidence through acting as though I am not thinking much about it?
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Be consistent in your words and actions, being true to your path. Do not allow variability in her behavior to affect your perspective. What do you want to happen next?
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Well, after the first time I met her, I KNEW I wanted her. There was something about the way she looks, carried herself, speaks, etc, something I really liked. I asked her out a few times, and she always had a different reason as to why she could not make it. I took that as a blow off, and wrote her a letter illustrating that I am interested, but did not know where she stood. I was perplexed as it seems like we had a great time. I also asked if she was dating others, or married,divorced, separated etc. She wrote: You are right on the money. I don't or haven't dated much recently. The guy that rents from me asked about you even,,, Strange... I have been single for 7 months and all friends are married. Unless someone walks in front of my tv, we will never meet. I am again, single, not married, once bitten twice shy. I do however have quite a schedule. I have art club, yoga, three jobs and a social life to boot. So planning is key for me. I am off to work, going to Canton! So, I left it alone, moved on. 6 days went by, and then she emailed me that she was thinking of me, and wanted to see me. We got together, and she seemed to be getting even closer to me. We then got together the following weekend, and things seemed better and better. She seemed to be getting more comfortable, and much much closer and more open. That was last Friday and Sunday. then this last Thursday she pulled the I am sick and my friend has cancer, can we reschedule. To me, she may be worth the wait, to see what is going on. I waver in between her having low low interest, (but does not fit how she acts when with me), or someone who does not want to get very attached too quickly, if at all, so they are taking it slow. Or they are scared. Or I might sound delusional right now and there really are too many red flags to proceed. Or she might be worth the wait? As I said, usually I get into relationships that are instant. So perhaps my expectations are too high and too quick for most people? And while the girl may always be around and available, she might be like that with every guy. So, this seems different to me. Maybe it is better to proceed slowly, and it might be more meaningful? If I want this woman, is it better to lay things on the table again? Or is it better to take things slowly, let her contact me, get together, and see what happens?
carhill Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You might not like hearing this, but, if you're not exclusive (specifically had that talk), I'd date other women. That doesn't mean have sex with them, but enjoy the attentions of others. Her perspective is valid, as are her actions, but if they leave you feeling like you're waiting around, that's an answer. Some might say wait for her and I might have said the same thing at your age. Now, I look around and see a world full of opportunities to savor and enjoy. That perspective doesn't negate in any way the value of each opportunity/potential. If things progress with her, good on ya
Still Trying Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 Calazhage, Your words are all too familiar. The way you're describing your current relationship and how you're used to more passionate and instant types of relationships - exactly what I am/was going through. My situation is getting a lot better it seems. We're together much more than before. Her situation, busy job 60 hours a week is now down to a much more normal 40 - leaves here time to do girl stuff etc. She's also very busy with different clubs and organizations and all of this in time will probably settle into a decent routine for me. You're feeling the beginning stages of infatuation maybe love or what ever and it's hard to be the one who's always available when the other is not. It gets old. I went through about 2 months of it and finally blew up - it worked out in my favor as she saw the real me, I'm a passionate mother f'er and if I'm into someone then I want to be with them, not just on paper, but in reality. She accepted the fact that she needed to put more energy into me or it was obvious that I wasn't going to stick around really long. It's only been a week with the new and improved schedule and I love it. I was the one who actually needed some space today after work, she was next door at the bar with a bunch of friends and I needed to decompress after work (retail job wears me out mentally) didnt' want to deal with a lot of already drunk people... she was upset but understood. Give it time, and continue communicating with her, that's my only advice. I know what it's like looking deep in someone's eyes on Sunday night and really thinking there's a connection only to be blown off all week long. Since it's so early in the relationship you're probably like me, putting way too much pressure on it, on you, and most importantly on her. Easier said than done but heed the other's advice here, keep yourself as busy as possible. Idle hands and all that... good luck. Try to be patient - but keep it reasonable. If you continue to feel like the one reaching out you MUST stop being available to her. If she truly cares for you then she MUST pursue you as well! I told my GF that I would be available almost any time for her but I would stop making plans with her because I was tired of her always saying no. She was disappointed with that statement and obviously wasn't happy with it but since then we've been together much more and I feel satisfied with her now. I made her reach out for me a little. At this point we've only been dating for 4 months but have been exclusive since the second date...
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 You are right on the money. I don't or haven't dated much recently. The guy that rents from me asked about you even,,, Strange... I have been single for 7 months and all friends are married. Unless someone walks in front of my tv, we will never meet. I am again, single, not married, once bitten twice shy. I do however have quite a schedule. I have art club, yoga, three jobs and a social life to boot. So planning is key for me. I am off to work, going to Canton! Maybe it's just me but there seems to be a contradiction in this. I have to agree that it she would make more time to see you. But, maybe it's still a little soon for her to be in anything serious. I think you should keep yourself busy for a whileand see what she does after more time has passed. It has only been a month.
Author calazhage Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Carhill, thanks for the advice..I just need to live life, what happens happens.. Hipocrite, I really didn't understand it either. But that contradiction is an example of this entire relationship contradiction, lol. Still trying, you know exactly how I feel. It is hard to be a passionate person, like someone, and wait around. Very hard. I mean as men, I do not think we are designed that way. Women do not like us that way. But for some reason sometimes they seem to try and make us be that way? Is it all a test? I feel 1000 times better when I am in the position of being happy, being able to let go, and going out to meet new people. When i think of writing her a letter, or give some kind of ultimatum it really does feel weak.
Author calazhage Posted February 14, 2009 Author Posted February 14, 2009 Well, I basically laid it out to her. I just told her the truth. That I am interested, but cannot read her..I asked if she wants to continue this or not..I sent an email. The same night she invited me over, and asked if I want to talk. Quite a change from how things were. We did not actually talk much, however she thought I was in it just for the sex, and thought I was not that interested.. So my advice to all others would be to study how women act around you..If they seem into you, they are.. Very, very seldom do women want "just sex". And also be straight forward, and sincere... Playing "hard to get" is not the man's role.
FIREMAN Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I think we're all dating the same girl! LOL I've been with my GF for 2 1/2 years now. We had a big fight over the "time together" issue last month. My GF has never known true intimacy and I think she's scared, in fact she's said she's scared of the committment, so she purposely sabotages the relationship by being super busy. I'll see her one night, it'll be intimate, then she "hides" for days behind work, friends, etc. She also had horrible friends and she's searching for new ones, so when the "new" girls want to hang with her on the weekend, she quickly accepts, leaving me high and dry....And I get pissed! In the beginning, during the "chase", she made time for me often, but after she got comfortable and she saw we might actually be married one day, she got very busy! So, long story short, I feel it's related to her past.
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