calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Ok, so you meet a woman and hit it off. You can tell she is extremely interested by how she acts in your presence. In fact, she may seem to be infatuated. The 2 of you become intimate. You are also very interested in her. However, you know for a fact she has a busy life. One I am speaking of has a business, another side business, and is a member of various clubs and organizations, (church, art, homeowner, etc) and is also the type that has many girlfriends from the above groups. Is the above person datable? You maybe see her once a week, and things are hard to plan. By default somehow you must work around her schedule, or seemingly you will not see her at all. And this tends to make the guy feel a bit too available. Also, once you start having really good sex, you want it more than one time a week. And then even if a date is planned, the above busy person might be sick on that day, might not feel like going out,night be that time of the month, have something come up etc. So you are left waiting another week? Is there a certain time frame one should be in that position? A month? 2 months? 3 months? Or basically accept it or move on? It seems to be a hard subject to broach without appearing to be too "needy" or "clingy" especially in a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Le Rendezvous Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 I would say this would be contingent on how you feel about it. It sounds like her busy lifestyle isn't going to change any time soon, especially with owning two businesses. In the long run, would you be okay with constantly working around her schedule? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Flip is around. If you were crazy busy and had a certain lady on your mind, how would you handle it? Expect that from her Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 I feel like I wouldnt always need their time as much as I would knowing that they cared about me, and that I WAS a priority in their life. Unfortunately, when you dont HAVE to see her, the people that do are going to bump your schedule, but that doesnt mean she cant call or talk ever. If all I could expect was that I would hear from her once a week, and it would be 'come over now', and we were essentially just sleeping together, I might think of taking it for what it is. It really comes down to what you need to be happy in this relationship. If you can get your needs met and feel important to her, then it's up to you to decide if her schedule works for you. If not, you should walk away. You wouldn't be in the wrong either way, just don't expect things to change. Link to post Share on other sites
portcitykitty Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 I'm going through the same situation. I've been with my man for a year now, and things haven't changed, and the way he talks, things aren't going to change anytime soon. It's been hard, but at the same time, I feel like I've got a great man and I cannot stand the thought of losing him, so I'm just trying to hang in there and be patient. He's basically told me this is how it is, this is how it's been, and this is how it's gonna be for however long, and he's given me the option to stay and work it out with him, or to move on if it's something I can't handle, and he understood either way. I told him I'm hanging in there cuz I don't want to lose what we've got. He's suggested that I get busy doing things to take my mind off the situation and to preoccupy my time. I'm afraid if I did, we'd both be so busy and wouldn't have time to ever get together! About your comment: "Also, once you start having really good sex, you want it more than one time a week."--I feel you on that!!! I'm lucky if I get it once a month! It is tough to not appear needy or clingy, because after such great intimacy, I want it ALL THE TIME, so I feel that clinginess starting to form within me, and yet I'm trying to hold back and be cool...it's really hard!!! But my guy is right, I need to find more things to do. He's the busy one with 2 jobs and trying to fit in a decent amount of sleep, while I'm the one with a part-time job and no life, spending most of my time doing nothing! Good luck with your situation! Hope things work out for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Busy people make time for someone they're really into. If she's got you down for once a week, she's not that into you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well, part of here "busyness" seems to be manufactured. I think she had a bad break up about 8 months ago, so she filled her life with many clubs, functions, friends, etc. If it were me, I would make time no matter what. I have never been too busy to see a girl I like more often. Should I expect the same from her? What throws me is how interested she seems to be in me when I am in her presence. Laughing, smiling, gazing, touching, staring, etc. Because due to her "busy schedule" I would think she has low interest, as I have put myself in her shoes and reversed it. If I ever told a girl I have a busy schedule it means not interested. But when together her actions seem much different. And when should a shift occur? So far it has been 1 month. I saw her 2 nights last weekend, and not once this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Oliveman Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Haha I think we're dating the same girl. I remember you talking about how you always have to initiate contact like me, and now it's that she's always busy. Same with me. Nothing really to offer here just think the similarities are funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Olive, lol yes I remember that.. She mentioned Facebook, and I just looked it up.. Everything she ever told me, now looking back, even though it sounded far fetched, was true. Various weddings, groups, parties, etc.. It does seem I was with her on most nights she was free. TBF, are you saying a woman will drop things she has been doing to be with a man within the first month? If you are seeing someone, how much did you see him within the first month? I do know this isn't a great fit for me if things do not change. But since we have been intimate I feel strange dating/seeking other women at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 But since we have been intimate I feel strange dating other women at the same time. I know how you feel, but learned the hard way to never put all my eggs in one basket. Worse case, you have to tell the other women youre dating someone if you become exclusive, but cross that bridge when you come to it. Dating around could yeild you someone equally awesome that doesnt have the same schedule restrictions. Ok, if her business involves going out with other people, and not inviting you along, then yeah...she's just not that into you. I mean, if it was work/school related 90% of the time, then sure. But if its parties and nights out on the town, why arent you getting an invite? Even after a couple weeks, it would seem logical to see if you wanted to come along. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 We see each other 2 to 3 times a week and talk daily. Both of us have 60+ hour work weeks. We both work out on a daily basis, have friends, are close to our families and have charities we fund raise for. I do much of this from home, since I'm self-employed. He works at his office and has assorted working dinners, with partners, associates and clients. We've been on this kind of schedule since day 1. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well, I agree.. Putting all eggs in one basket does not seem to be wise. She went to a couple wedding showers, and has other "girls night" activities, like playing cards, etc. Other nights she has art club, and is also fixing her house to sell it. Really not things I would be eager to go to. But I am ASSUMING she has interest due to how she is around me, or perhaps she is a great actress. More or less I was asking if anyone had dated someone similar, and if things changed, or how they changed, or when. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Busy people make time for someone they're really into. If she's got you down for once a week, she's not that into you! I would have to say this is way too broad of a statement, but I am sure it was said for reasons other than helping or offering advice. People are complex, and take things at different a different pace, depending on what is happening in their life. I dated women whom would put their life on hold completely and revolve it around me, just to have it burn out quickly. I know many people that date once a week. I know people that see each other 7 nights a week from day one, and are working out great. Since that was not even my question, I do wonder why you offered that with an exclamation mark..Well, actually from reading your other threads I know why.. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgelato Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 She would make time for you if she is into you. Even just a quick nightcap on a busy day or maybe ask you to come pick her up at work so she can spend the rest of the night with you. See where this goes =) Don't try to avoid it by making excuses. Give it your full effort and see where it ends. She'll be impressed by your effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 I think the best advice is to become busier yourself, for a couple reasons: 1) Less time to worry about whether she's into you 2) She will seek you out more 3) You won't feel lazy compared to her 4) Other girls will seek you out more (being busy draws people to you somehow) Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well these are the positive signs.. She has always replied immediately to any call, text, or email. When WITH HER I have NO DOUBT of her interest level. I can tell she is nervous around me, she hangs on my words, follows me around, gazes at me, always smiling. Very comfortable with me, and she always wants me to spend the night. her busy schedule is verifiable and not excuses as I read her Facebook. It has only been one month, 4 dates. Does not seem to be a serial dater We have seemed to progress a bit, as spent most of last weekend with her. Negative signs She does not initiate much contact, only once when I stopped contacting her. She did cancel one time.(the last time), due to stress, friends cancer, and period, but offered a reschedule. Would not be a huge deal, but when you only see someone less often, it is magnified. I think she was hurt in her last relationship. When not with her I do question her interest level, as either she really is not that interested, she has walls up, or she really is busy. Or some combination of all 3, not conducive to much more. I think I will just lay back, and let her contact me. If she does then great, if not then that's fine as well. I feel she knows I am interested, as my actions have made that clear. Or she might not be in the frame of mind to have a relationship, she might be scared, or I might have moved to fast. Once again the only reason I am thinking about all of this is because a woman's eyes and expressions seldom lie, and she might be worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Her method and style and frequency of contact will indicate compatibility, for dating anyway. If you're not compatible for dating, you won't be compatible for a more intimate relationship. I support TBF's perspective. Also, as we age, things become more complex. Careers, children, elderly parents, wide social circles. Time management style is also a component of compatibility. Everyone (trying to imagine the reverse) has been hurt in relationships. Some of us have had abusive childhoods and/or relationships. Sure, it colors who we are. Our success as humans and resultant compatibility with another human is predicate upon how we resolve our history and approach our path. Again, compatibility Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Her method and style and frequency of contact will indicate compatibility, for dating anyway. If you're not compatible for dating, you won't be compatible for a more intimate relationship. I support TBF's perspective. Also, as we age, things become more complex. Careers, children, elderly parents, wide social circles. Time management style is also a component of compatibility. Everyone (trying to imagine the reverse) has been hurt in relationships. Some of us have had abusive childhoods and/or relationships. Sure, it colors who we are. Our success as humans and resultant compatibility with another human is predicate upon how we resolve our history and approach our path. Again, compatibility Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 It's only been a month. I would give it time. Also, some of the negatives aren't really that negative. The cancelled date sounds perfectly legit. Did she make it clear that she wanted to reschedule? Also, she may not be calling because women are told that to call makes you seem to eager. I don't usually feel comfortable calling on a regular basis until I KNOW this guy is going to be around for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Did she make it clear that she wanted to reschedule? This is where tone provides the meat between the lines. I watch very carefully how a woman words such statements. If the event/deadline/stressor drives the first words out of her mouth, I know she's not interested. If reference to myself and our plans are at the forefront, I know I've been on her mind, even if she has to call with regrets. I know it sounds simplistic, but a lifetime of rarely being surprised has taught me a few tools. This one is rarely wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well, I spent all night Friday and Sunday with her.. Unfortunately,we usually text or email. So I texted her Tuesday, if she was free, and she replied "No, but how about Thursday" So on Thursday I texted her What time is good for you, and she texted back "Do you mind if we get together another time? Found out friend has stage 4 cancer. and started my period. Sorry, I just dont feel great" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well, I spent all night Friday and Sunday with her.. Tell us about that... TBH, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the "penis in vagina" stuff and all that related intimacy with the "stay away, I'm hurting and have my period" stuff. I have far more intimacy than that with my platonic female friends. I give up Link to post Share on other sites
Author calazhage Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Well when I am with her, things could not possibly be better. When I am not with her she seems very distant. A guy can USUALLY tell how interested the woman is. If she is bored, if she just doesn't care what the guy thinks etc. But when I am with her on those days, she is nervous, hangs on my every word, will never eat in front of me, stares at me smiling from every room, hugs me all night, sex getting better and better... Then when I leave she is just distant it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 IMO, what you wrote last is not a good sign and completely unrelated to your topic. It's entirely possible this person has serious attachment issues. If so, good luck with that. I've seen it and it gets pretty ugly in there... Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 I'd rather move on than be less of a priority than someone's home-owner organization. Link to post Share on other sites
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