beautiful_stranger Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 So, I see him once a week since december, and realized that despite lack of initiation from his part to meet up more than once a week, if I ask him out, he would generally go. But why doesn't he initiate a date when he's actually free? I mean last friday, I asked him to come out, he had NO plans originally and it was a friday night yet didnt initiate a date with me.. Maybe he's just shy? I know that of all his past relationships, it was the girls that went after him. Also, there's no other form of proper communication at all during other days of the week, other than may a few brief exchanges over email and IM. To me he always talks of other hot girls on the street and from work and act as though he would be interested in some of them if they didnt work together. He does it to me in front of his other friends too, and it embarrasses me when he does it, what would his friends think of me right? I dont know if he does it to get me jealous or actually means it. Alot of the times he brings friends when we meet up, so we dont always have our alone time, but when we do, its all sweet and good. And so I never raised these concerns, as I dont want to sound naggy and demanding. Also we havent proceeded to doing anything in private either. Does this sound like a healthy dating/relationship scenario to you or does it sound like he keeping distance and keeping his options open? Should I continue or end this as i dont like uncertainty? Please let me know what you guys think
infophreak Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Sounds like you have a friend. You might be one of the guys, but why not ask him on a real date and at the end give him a good night kiss if things go well enough. But make sure you tell him you want to be taken out on a date.
Author beautiful_stranger Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Sounds like you have a friend. You might be one of the guys, but why not ask him on a real date and at the end give him a good night kiss if things go well enough. But make sure you tell him you want to be taken out on a date. does that mean i'm being friend-zoned :S but then again we hold hands and act close in public?
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 If you know for a fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend (perhaps at a distance), then IMO he's just not interested in a relationship. Tell me the last time you ever saw him hang out with another girl, or even heard about it from your friends.... Shy or not, if he is attracted to you, he'll initiate a date, especially if you're being receptive like you already have been. I you were to pursue him, and you don't normally do so, it might lead to incompatible relationship styles, as you and he moved forward if he was receptive. You'd be working against your natural setpoint.
Oliveman Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Well I'm kind of the same way as him. I'm dating right now, one girl in particular who I like, and I almost never ask her if she wants to hang out. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just that I go out with my friends a lot and have my own busy life. Now if things progress into a full relationship it'll be different, but in the dating stages I keep my distance. We're physical and what not though so it's a little different, but I like my life and see no problem hanging out with her once every week or two, even though my interest level is high. Keeps things interesting. Not sure if this is what's up with him, just some different perspective to consider. As far as talking about other girls in front of you it could be anything. Hard to say. I tell the girl I like when I go out on dates and such if she asks what I did last night or something. I don't see it as being a big deal since she's not my girlfriend, just someone I date. Hard to put into words
Author beautiful_stranger Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 If you know for a fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend (perhaps at a distance), then IMO he's just not interested in a relationship. Tell me the last time you ever saw him hang out with another girl, or even heard about it from your friends.... Shy or not, if he is attracted to you, he'll initiate a date, especially if you're being receptive like you already have been. I you were to pursue him, and you don't normally do so, it might lead to incompatible relationship styles, as you and he moved forward if he was receptive. You'd be working against your natural setpoint. so you are saying if both ppl are used to being pursued, then they will not be compatible?
Author beautiful_stranger Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Well I'm kind of the same way as him. I'm dating right now, one girl in particular who I like, and I almost never ask her if she wants to hang out. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just that I go out with my friends a lot and have my own busy life. Now if things progress into a full relationship it'll be different, but in the dating stages I keep my distance. We're physical and what not though so it's a little different, but I like my life and see no problem hanging out with her once every week or two, even though my interest level is high. Keeps things interesting. Not sure if this is what's up with him, just some different perspective to consider. As far as talking about other girls in front of you it could be anything. Hard to say. I tell the girl I like when I go out on dates and such if she asks what I did last night or something. I don't see it as being a big deal since she's not my girlfriend, just someone I date. Hard to put into words How do you progress though if your communication is minimal?
carhill Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I'm saying their relationship style setpoints are incompatible. Incompatibilities can be overcome by relationship work, learning to alter the behaviors which naturally flow from one's intrinsic setpoint. This is part of cognitive therapy, for those who find their styles to be largely incompatible and have difficulty forming healthy relationships. I'm not saying it applies to you or this man, but throwing it out there to ponder for future use. IME, to grow a healthy relationship, you need mutual interest, communication and compatibility. Time reveals all truths
BubblyPopcorn Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You just have to decide if you believe and/or feel he is worth it and how you base that, I don’t know and how do you do that if you barely see the person and you’re the one initiating/planning the dates? In the beginning its fine but I understand what you mean because at some point, you’re not sensing the desire on his part, from him, to see you because he’s being so passive about it. I don’t think there’s an exact formula that fits for everyone though. I can say or rather see this now because I am no longer in the situation (similar to yours) but when you’re actually going through it, it’s a whole different matter, especially when feelings develop on either end it clouds everything. It doesn’t appear you’re at that point yet so I guess just take everything with a grain of salt. What Carhill mentioned could also be a factor and if that’s the case then it will surface over time and which direction it goes is entirely up to you and the other person involved.
Author beautiful_stranger Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 So then is it a good idea to ask him to clarify what situation he believes we are in? or are things best left unsaid as this is still a relatively early stage, and that any attempt to make things clearer is futile?
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 So, OP, if you're still reading, anything happen over V-day weekend?
collegekid491 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Probably trying to assert his independence with the whole talking about other girls thing, girls do it to me all the time, generally it throws a pretty good wrench in their wheel when I surprise them by saying it myself. Honestly though, it sounds like he's drifting away because either he's losing interest or he realizes the next step is gonna require significant commitment. But honestly, stop calling him to set things up, make him work for it. Me and my girl generally take turns, we both know the game so if she doesn't call I assume she's busy and vice versa. P.S. Shyness is a relationship killer, if its riding on your mind for a significant amount of time, bring it up. Could be doing it absent mindedly or even (hate guys like this) try to send subtle signals
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Sounds like you have a great buddy. Friend-zone, indeed.
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