lovehimsomuch Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Ok, here I go, I need help desperately. I had this bf for 4 years, we lived together as a family and my two kids called him daddy and all, they love him as much as I do....then we decided to move to new zealand, like an adventure or something. I though it was an awesome idea and we started our paperwork, meanwhile we moved to his mom´s house as a temporary thing, because of the relocation thing. It was a Big mistake...now he says he has doubts about me and the kids, and that he doesn´t know if he wants us at all....I left him and moved with my father, (we actually moved all the way from US to Peru, so i don´t have a house here and my father is of great support to me and the kids right now).....now i keep seeing him as friends, but sometimes we kiss or hug, usually I initiate those things, but he is more than happy to continue....he said he didn´t want me to wait for him, but the minute I told him someone was interested he said he missed me and loved me....I decided to do the NC thing, I know he love us, I can feel it....I don´t know what is wrong with him since we came back to Peru....maybe seeing his family after 8 years was a shock or something....but still i don´t deserve this! I love him deeply and had tried being patient...but after reading the NC rule, I think is the only thing left to do....he calls me almos everyday, invites me to his family house at the beach on the weekends and asks me to go out every time he is able to...he works a lot but still tries to be there, but this is not enough, we were a family and now we are nothing! plus the kids are suffering a lot...they miss him and he won´t even call, just sees them on the weekends....any suggestions? would the NC help at all?
Touche Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'm sorry but I'm probably not going to be much help here. I just can't get past the fact that you keep saying you're a family. You're not. You're not even married. I don't get why you'd have your kids call him Daddy. It's clear he doesn't see you or your kids as family. Will NC help? That depends on what your aim is. If it's to help you heal and move on, yes. Otherwise, I doubt it. It seems he's perfectly content with a weekend kind of relationship and is not interested in being a "family." It seems to me that he never looked as all of you as family...it was all in your own mind. It's a shame the kids have to be victims in all of this. You said they're suffering a lot yet you want to be with the man who is partly responsible for their suffering? Makes no sense. (And I say "partly responsible" because you as their mother are mostly responsible for their suffering.) You should be concentrating on their healing and well-being now...I mean they just lost a "dad" right? Seems your priorities are really misplaced. And just curious but where is the real dad in all of this? I hope you learn from this and next time don't try to make an instant family with some guy you're not even married to. Be cautious about who you let into your children's lives or they're likely to "suffer" again.
Author lovehimsomuch Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 First of all i never made them call him daddy, after living together for four years that´s how the felt, second of all their real father abandoned us when my daughter was a newborn, he never came back. I knew my bf years before we started dating, and we took it slowly and had a wonderful relationship...the kids adore him because of the wonderful things he did while living together.... I´m shock b/c i never ever imagine something like this could happen to us....but maybe a post is to little to describe what we had....
Touche Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Ok, and I'm sorry if I was harsh but whatever you had is not what he wants now. His actions should tell you that. Plus what about when he said he doesn't want you to wait for him? I think he's playing games with you. He wants to pursue his own life but wants you hanging around for when he feels like seeing you and the kids. That's why he turned on the charm when you told him you had someone else interested in you. That's just not right. I would let him go. He's being very unfair to you and I'm sorry that you're in pain. I hope you and your kids can heal from this pain soon.
Author lovehimsomuch Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Thank you Touche, I now that you are right...it´s just so hard to let go....I swore myself to start the NC rule on monday, b/c on monday i have to see him (my son has therapy and he usually goes)...after that i will say my good byes and ask him not to go to therapy or to contact me unless he has something to offer us....and I will be firm b/c I´m actually getting sick...I lost more than 20 pounds in 2 months...i feel so bad...never ever in my life i felt this miserable....I hate this feeling...I hope by being away this will pass....
Touche Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You're welcome, lhsm. That's not good about not eating. Please, you must take care of yourself. You have your kids to think about. I'm sure it's hurting them seeing you this way. Yes, be strong. Don't let him keep you hanging on like this. Tell him that unless he's willing to be there completely you're not interested in half a relationship. You can do this. And just keep coming back here and reading other people's stories. You'll be fine. Time will heal you. You and your kids deserve better than this. He's not a good man to have done this to you and your kids. And in my opinion, the only chance you ever have of maybe getting back with him (but I don't really know why you'd want to given what pain he's put you and your kids through) is to walk away from him...because if you hang on and see him when HE wants to only, he has no reason to ever change the way it is now. Please eat and take care of yourself ok? You can do this. You're strong aren't you? You made it through when your child's father walked away and abandoned you and you can do this.
Author lovehimsomuch Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Hello to all, I had to tell you sometimes everything looks so dark if feels like the end of your life....but is not. I decided to write him a letter just saying goodbye, and explaining how much he made me suffer, but that I wasn´t gonna take it anymore, specially for the kids, and that I was moving on. That was on friday the 6th, after that he started calling, and calling....desperate, cause he didn´t wanted to lose us, I told him everytime I didn´t wanted to hear more excuses, I wanted a committed and serious relationship....so on Valentine´s day he came with flowers, a ring and his bags.....I decided to give him a second chance and up till now everytihng is going ok....still i feel a little hurt, i guess in time everything will go back to normal or maybe to better! Thanks a lot, reading you guys gave me strengh!!
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