truthlovesme Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 My ex-boyfriend and I first became a couple when I was in college back in 2000. We were together until 2004. When we first got together, his father had just passed away. He took over the family business and had HUGE responsibilities on him. He was under a lot of stress. And he was only 28 at the time. I was 19 and in college. He treated me with so much love and respect, he treated me very well - he took me out to dinners and bought me beautiful presents and traveled with me. We had a lot in common, similar lifestyles and I enjoyed sex with him in the beginning. However, as time went on, there were 3 major problems with the relationship: 1) The main problem I had with him is that he was emotionally closed off and he would keep his thoughts to himself a lot. That made me not want to be intimate (have sex) eventually, because he was so closed off to communication. I tried to go to therapy with him but he refused to admit he needed that. Because of his unwillingness to open up, I guess I just lost hope in the relationship over the years. 2) The other problem is I became very depressed because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life after I graduated from college, in terms of a career. I could not focus on a path for myself. 3) My ex's mother was very lonely, enmeshed in his life and tried to interfere in our relationship A LOT in the beginning. This put a very bad taste in my mouth for the whole relationship after that. However, things did change and she moved away to Florida after a couple of years into our relationship. However, she has her own life now and her own relationship and she doesn't interfere in his personal life. So this problem seems to be resolved... (therefore if we were to get back together this would not be an obstacle, apparently.) So we split up when I moved back to California in 2004 and my family was falling apart. My parents got divorced and they put me in the middle of it. I was only 23 at the time and it was a huge mess. I got involved with an alcoholic man who took advantage of me. I just completely eliminated him from my life a couple months ago. During these last 5 years of being away from my ex, he would call me all the time - at least once or twice a week and still talk to me as my friend. He even tried to talk to me about the relationship 6 months after we broke up when he said "I know why it didn't work, it was because we didn't communicate in the right way with each other!" When he said this, I felt in a way it was too little too late. I had spent 4 years with him trying to get him to open up and now that I am gone he realizes this?? (It seems like when I left him he started to actually examine what makes relationships work and why it is important for him to open up and vent out how he feels and communicate instead of keeping everything inside. He really does seem to know how to do this now! He didn't go to therapy for it so I am not sure how he learned this. Anyway, it is amazing!) So.... while he dated other women when I was in California and he was living 3,000 miles away in Boston, I spent the last several years maturing as a person, going to therapy, I got a job and now I am studying to be a Holistic Health Practitioner. I have also managed to stop my parents (specifically my father) from running my life and I am my own independent person now. I got to explore my interests, specifically in playing music for people and that was a very good experience for me. Meanwhile, my ex never settled down with anyone. He never had a relationship with a woman after me. I mean he might have dated a girl for a few months but for whatever reason nothing seemed to come of the relationships that could have grown. He said it was because they just didn't fit him right or even if they did seem like a good match there was something missing in the way they would communicate, etc. He would also tell the prospective partner that his ex-girlfriend (me) was still in his life as a "friend" and also as his web designer. He kept our business aspect of our connection going and would tell women that was important to him. He also would tell these women that if they did not like the fact that he is still friends with his ex, then they could not date him. Here's where we get to the present. Over the Christmas holidays I went to see my ex in Boston. I was visiting his sister in Florida but then I flew up to Boston to see him. The minute I saw him, the flames fired up. We had amazing sex and we talked a lot those few days we spent together. Since I flew back to Califoria 2 months ago, he has been really supportive and encouraging that I have gotten that alcoholic out of my life. I am starting to feel like a truly happy and whole person again. My ex calls me several times a day. In private moments, he has admitted to me that he liked sex with me more than any other girl he had slept with and that I am "one in a billion." He told me he felt love for me as a very close friend and hoped we would never stop being friends. I have recently started talking to him about getting back together. He said that the idea is not unthinkable, but that the reality is I am in CA and he is in MA and it is possible that one of us will meet someone else. I told him I don't want anyone else but he said we have to be realistic! Then he said if I were to move back to MA and I got my own apartment that he would be interested in dating me. However, he said we would have to start "from scratch." He said he does not want to return to the old relationship because he feels it was unhealthy. He also said he does not want me to move to MA "only for him." He would want me to have a reason to be there, like to have a job and activities to make me feel home there. When we were in our relationship, I used to pine away for California after I graduated from college and I felt the only thing keeping me in MA was him. So therefore that is one of the reasons it didn't work out. It seems he is afraid if I were to move there now for him, I would eventually just want to go back to CA again. He does not want the pressure or burden that if I were to come out to MA and it failed then it was all his fault that I moved there because of him and not because I wanted to for myself. He said he wants to take it very slowly and step by step. Start over. He said it feels like too much pressure for him if I were to come back to MA and just "expect" our old relationship to be rekindled and just move back in together. He does not want to feel pressure and he said he enjoys his freedom. He feels that he would enjoy me more as someone he can date but not just "immediately jump in" to a serious relationship. He said if things went well between us then he would consider commitment. It seems like it will be so weird moving out there and having my own place but going to see him in the house we lived in together. There are a lot of memories in that house and we moved in that particular place toward the end of our relationship when things weren't as good between us. I am going back to MA in the end of March to visit him and my other best friend. They live in the same area. We will perhaps know better what we want to do when we see each other then. Does it sound like he has put a lot of thought into how this relationship could work out? How do we start over?
SRV Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I have to say that he is mature in what he has told you in regards to the move to MA. Read through some of the posts on this forum and you will find that whenever people move just for the relationship, most of the time it crumbles in less than six months, forcing the person who moved to have to scrumble to move back home. You also have to accept that what you had in the prior relationship is gone. He definitely is a different person and so are you because of the years apart. This is what you might really want to weigh very carefully before considering a move there amongst other factors like climate ( I know MA and CA are night and day), family, friends, career in the long term and many more. Hope it works out and we want to hear a success story from you, good luck!
Weird Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I think it could work out but obviously you need a sort of trial run before making the jump of moving back there. I would think just jumping at it and moving based on a few days of humping would not be wise. It does sound like he is being realistic with things and does not want you to make an impulsive move and both regret it. On the flip side though, it sounds like he might mainly be interest in just being friends with benefits. It would be cool if this all worked out for both of you as it is a nice story to read and I am a sucker for people actually putting in an effort to get back together since I think many people just assume that if they break up and the main reason was communication issues it must mean the person was not "the one" and are programmed to believe that things could not ever be worked out. The reality though is they may very well be "the one" if people would just actually put in the effort to see the problems and fix them once they are all out on the table. Most people are simply not aware at the time what the issues are and if they are made aware of them they will do their best to fix them. I also think the time gap would help both of you since time gives people the chance to think logically about someone/something and also to get a feel for what they truly want. I am not into the belief that time apart means things can't work out.
Author truthlovesme Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 So we had a discussion last night and I told him this long distance thing is not working for me. Even though he has been calling me a lot since the alcoholic is out of my life, I am afraid to get too attached to him. To be honest, I am really falling for my ex again. I am afraid of this. I told him we should either go back to talking once in a while or if we don't then there is only once place where all of this talking between us is going to lead - and that is with me wanting to be closer to him geographically and moving out to Boston again. Secondly, he told me that if I were to come to Boston, that we would have to take it "excruciatingly slow" to quote him verbatim. He basically said to me that he would not want a repeat of the end of the last relationship. He said we did not interact together well and he is afraid it would fall back into that. He also said I would have to realize that all his family problems are not the same anymore and I would have to be more open minded about all of that. But how do you start from scratch when you have known someone for 11 years? We DO have a history together. This is unavoidable. Of course the hurt and the pain as well as the good times and the friendship are all there. What hurts me the most is the idea that when he and I were apart, he was willing to meet a new girl randomly who he didn't even know, then sleep with her, and date her exclusively and call her his girlfriend. But with ME he has to take it "SLOW." This whole thing feels like I would be on "probation" - like it's some kind of a punishment. He told me I was looking at this all wrong. That it's not a punishment. But he said that because of the way we interacted before which only led to a break up, he thinks the chances of the break up happening again are strong so unless we took it very, very slowly then he feels it would not work and we would repeat the bad patterns. BUT AGAIN, HOW DO YOU START OVER with someone who you've been away from for so long but still have a long history with? I almost wonder to myself why I am putting myself through this. Why I would want to attempt any of this. Why take a chance? I mean deep down inside I think he might be worth it, but I am totally scared of failing. Why move myself out to Boston only to have it fail and keep thinking about how he should just meet some "new girl," cause new is easier! Why would he want me, we have all this baggage. Why not just let him go and let him start all over like he's been trying to while I was gone, and just forget about all of this reconciling nonsense?
Author truthlovesme Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 WEIRD - I totally agree with what you just wrote. Especially the part about how people do tend to give up when in reality, once you put everything out on the table it could very much be possible to fix. People give up on relationships so easily though.... I did, when I realized he wouldn't go to therapy with me. But obviously, even 6 months after we broke up, he was still calling me telling me he realized the communication wasn't good between us and how he "finally" realized that. For me it was kind of too little too late and I had already met someone. Now that the person is gone, I am considering what my ex told me and thinking is this something I truly want to pursue? I still don't understand why after 5 years of me being gone, he only had girlfriends for like 1 or 2 months at a time and never actually had a long term relationship after me. How could I have possibly broken his heart that badly? I mean he was STILL CALLING me so if I was so horrible then he would not have wanted to talk to me. He told me still cared about me and wanted to check up on how I was doing. But he would still call me atleast once a week to talk to me. I don't know.... his family seems to think even though he dated other women that he never actually, truly "move on" from me. I don't know.....
Author truthlovesme Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 SRV - All the other factors point towards the positive for a move to MA. With the exception of the climate (good point) I have more close friends and a sense of community there on the east coast than I do in CA! I also like the area in Boston I would be living in very much and I am very familiar with it. I could find a job without too much problem because I am in the natural health field and could find a job in a health food store or in a clinic.....
Author truthlovesme Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 WEIRD - I did ask him about the "friends with benefits" thing and he said as long as he is sleeping with one girl he doesn't sleep with others and that he considers the girl his "girlfriend" and is exclusive. Even a girl he was only seeing for a few months. He said he considered her his girlfriend. But for me? NO.... because of all of our "history" if I lived near him he can't just jump in and sleep with me again. He would have to treat me as a "friend" and start all over and "see where it goes." Wonderful. So a stranger gets more of a chance than me. This makes me want to ignore his phone calls and let him see what it feels like to be treated like an untrustworthy second class citizen. That's just what it feels like to me! Am I looking at what he is saying all wrong?
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