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...Kind of hurt about a comment before sex...but symptom of a greater problem...:(

XxBacktoBlackXx

By XxBacktoBlackXx
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XxBacktoBlackXx Established Member

XxBacktoBlackXx

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But I don't know if it's a symptom of a greater problem.

 

My BF and I have been together for about 6 months.

 

Last night, he was making sexual comments to me that he knew would turn me on and I started kissing him. It was before we went to bed. He knew I was getting horny and he said, "Damn it. Get the condoms". I know that he was kind of joking but I knew he didn't really want to have sex. It did hurt my feelings. At that point, I didn't want to either but we did. It made me feel really unattractive. He never insults me or puts me down (EVER) and always tells me how beautiful I am but why did that comment hurt me so much? It made me feel as if he did not want me anymore.

 

I am thinking that this is kind of a symptom of a greater problem in that, about a month ago, I found out that he was talking in an inappropriate way with a chic that he talked to on-line before he met me. Before we ever met, he was talking to this chic from Florida on-line. Before he ever met me, they were planning to meet up. They talked on the phone, etc. When we started dating, I did not know that they had that history and wouldn't have cared had they NOT continued speaking that way with each other. When I found out, I was very hurt. He made comments on her pictures telling her how beautiful she was and they also sent each other Facebook messages. One of the Facebook messages that he sent her said all of the things that she deserves in a man, including someone to "caress and kiss" her. It was a very long message. He sent me a copy of this message saying that he sent it to her as a "diatribe of love" that he believed should be followed by every man. I told him I was very uncomfortable with him talking about how she deserved kissing and caressing. He said that I shouldn't be because at the end of the message he put, "You also should find a man that plays classical music ;) At least that is what [my name] thinks. :) "

 

Well, when I found the original message, I discovered he did not put that sentence in nor mention me at all as he originally stated. He claimed to me that he was caught up in this situation because they had only been talking about a month before he met me and he did not know how to completely cut it off. She knew that I existed but obviously did not care. In fact, for a time she was seeing someone as well. He also had written on her Facebook wall, "Are you going to be on AIM and all over me tonight? :P" during a time when we first started dating and he told me that he was only talking to me. I knew they chatted on and off and that she called him sometimes but I did not discover the extent until I saw his Facebook. I was suspicious about this chic and he told me he was an "open book" and did not care if I ever looked at his Facebook messages, so I did. He had looked through mine before and I did not care. I don't think he thought I would actually do it, though. I think he claimed that he was an open book so that I would never be suspicious. I saw all of their private comments to each other and it greatly hurt me.

 

I felt that I could forgive the situation and get through it since she lives very far away and in a different state. Now that it is a month later, I felt that I had gotten over it even though I still felt deceived in that it lasted from July (when we first started dating) until December but it is not as if they talked continuously throughout that time. It is hard to get too upset about something that was not in person, I guess. It still feels like an emotional affair even though he claims it is not since he did not mean any of it.

 

But then last night just brought out some insecurities inside of me and I have felt badly all day. I feel as if my feelings are like a light switch lately; one thing can set me from a good mood to a sad mood in my relationship and this happens when I feel insecure. Another problem is that his ex just returned from out of country study and is back on his campus. So the Florida thing, the ex thing, and this comment are kind of a culmination of hurts, I guess.

 

I don't know...should I even bring up that I felt badly last night?

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
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I think the comment was meaningless.

 

What is really bothering you is that you don't trust him. It seems for good reason.

 

I didn't catch what he was saying to this other lady that was inappropriate?

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XxBacktoBlackXx Established Member

XxBacktoBlackXx

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I will also add that I basically stay over at his apartment a lot but he wants us to move in together in May, when he graduates from college. I have been reading heavily into Buddhism lately and have therefore tried to calm down my inner thoughts.

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XxBacktoBlackXx Established Member

XxBacktoBlackXx

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They were constantly flirting with each other and when he and I went on a trip to Florida, she thought they were going to meet up and did not mention seeing ME at all. He would constantly call her "Princessa" and tell her how gorgeous she was...he would tell her how much he loved her accent and how exotic it was and was also learning Portuguese from her. They would text back and forth a lot and talk on the phone so I am not sure which comments were made then but he claimed nothing flirtatious, which I highly doubt. He also never mentioned me to her at all, even though she knew he had a girlfriend from his status on Facebook. It made me feel so hurt and invisible. He said he did not mention me to her in messages because he did not want to make her jealous or rub it in her face that he had someone now. It does not make sense to me as at one point, she was seeing someone else, too. When we went to Florida together for October break, she sent him all these texts about getting together, which they didn't since he and I were on the break together. It was basically a culmination of flirtations and sexual innuendo as well as phone calls and texts.

 

It just highly hurts me. For instance he sent her a message saying "There is nothing wrong with showing a little skin" etc etc. It was in reference to a picture she sent him. It was not a nude, from what I could tell. When I found out all of this information, I told him I was uncomfortable with them being friends because 1. They obviously can't keep it on a friendship level 2. I was not aware of what was going on and 3. It was not as if they were friends in real life, so what did it matter? He told me he would remove her from Facebook etc. He lied to me, though as he hadn't. I told him that I knew he had lied to me. Finally, I think every contact is broken off but I do not know. The unraveling of it happened in January.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
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It just highly hurts me. For instance he sent her a message saying "There is nothing wrong with showing a little skin" etc etc. It was in reference to a picture she sent him. It was not a nude, from what I could tell. When I found out all of this information, I told him I was uncomfortable with them being friends because 1. They obviously can't keep it on a friendship level 2. I was not aware of what was going on and 3. It was not as if they were friends in real life, so what did it matter? He told me he would remove her from Facebook etc. He lied to me, though as he hadn't. I told him that I knew he had lied to me. Finally, I think every contact is broken off but I do not know. The unraveling of it happened in January.

 

How long had you two been dating when this happened?

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XxBacktoBlackXx Established Member

XxBacktoBlackXx

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The whole thing went on from July-Jan, with comments like that back and forth.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
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The whole thing went on from July-Jan, with comments like that back and forth.

 

If it started before you two met... it is much less of a big deal.

 

If it started after you started dating... That is very bad. It shows either A. A lack of faith in you or B. A lack of respect for you.

 

Is he a player type? Has he been in a lot of relationships?

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

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Is this the guy who was mistreated by his previous ex...?

And the one who's been treating you disdainfully already?

And the one we all advised you it would be a bad idea to keep dating, because he's a piece of work?

 

Are you still with him?

 

Have you any idea what Buddhism says about Right Action....? :rolleyes:

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Is this the guy who was mistreated by his previous ex...?

And the one who's been treating you disdainfully already?

And the one we all advised you it would be a bad idea to keep dating, because he's a piece of work?

Are you still with him?

Have you any idea what Buddhism says about Right Action....? :rolleyes:

 

I read some of those threads, and you are clearly correct.

 

B2B,

 

Why do you only go for guys who are users and abusers? There are many men out there who would love and appreciate you.

 

What attracts you to these egotistical dirtbags? What emotional payoff are you getting from this?

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