Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 StarGazer, admittedly he has mentioned that I don't call/text him as much as he'd like me too. But you know, if he made some effort in coming to see me and I knew him to be really and genuinely into me, then I would contact him. Why should I put in any effort, when he isn't putting in any effort to come and see me? It works both ways.... This is ridiculous. You want him to put in MORE effort than he already has been putting in FOR A YEAR, when you're putting in NONE. If I were him, I'd be thinking, "Why should I make a big trip to see a woman who I call every single day but cannot even bother to reciprocate a damn phone call?" Usually those in LDR switch off visits. I don't accept that you can't go see him for cultural reasons. Get a hotel. Or, buy his ticket to see you for him. He's putting in ALL the effort here. ALL of it. You're just passively accepting it all. Don't complain about something you're not willing to do yourself.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 He's Muslim...Im Christian. Say no more. Uh, actually, you do need to say more. I've dated Muslims before, and I'm Catholic. And yes, the families knew about me.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I see a BIG bright red flag here. If he can talk to you on the phone but not make time for you in person then perhaps that's becuase he's either #1 married or #2 has a GF which could make it harder for him to get away and meet if you know what I mean. Not spending time with you in person but talking on the phone....something smells fishy. Just my take. Mea:) Even if he was married, he'd have found the time within 3 months surely? When we first met, he was here and the very next day after we'd arranged to meet....he was quick in getting here that time! He had borrowed money from a friend, to get here... He says he was married and has been divorced for two years, hence why he's living with his sister. He does have his own place, that he got some weeks back. Because of his current financial situation, it remains undecorated and unfurnished. I know he has his own place, because I actually have the address of it....and have posted a couple of CD's to it for him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 If he was losing interest, he wouldn't call every day... He tells me everything and trusts me completely...he knows I am fine with his situation. He's Muslim...Im Christian. Say no more. Ughhh... this isn't worth even typing over. Just leave it be. If you really cared about your faith and values... you would want someone who shared that with you. Don't be too desperate. I was expecting a much smaller gap.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Uh, actually, you do need to say more. I've dated Muslims before, and I'm Catholic. And yes, the families knew about me. Some are stricter than others....his are strict. Just because your ex bfs parents and family may have accepted you, doesn't mean others would easily accept. When he tells me they wouldn't....unless I was Muslim, I believe him.
prettybaby Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Jade, do you honestly feel this is a good situation that is bound to work out? I think not. Too many red flags and issues here. And are you telling us that you haven't actually dated anybody since you started talking to this guy online? If so, you've just wasted a year of your life when you could have been busy socializing with real life men who are more compatible and more practically located.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Ughhh... this isn't worth even typing over. Just leave it be. If you really cared about your faith and values... you would want someone who shared that with you. Don't be too desperate. I was expecting a much smaller gap. I see nothing desperate, in being involved with someone of another faith. Differences aside, he's still a human being and a man, at the end of the day.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 He says he was married and has been divorced for two years, hence why he's living with his sister. If his faith prevents you from visiting him, it would have also prevented his divorce.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Jade, do you honestly feel this is a good situation that is bound to work out? I think not. Too many red flags and issues here. And are you telling us that you haven't actually dated anybody since you started talking to this guy online? If so, you've just wasted a year of your life when you could have been busy socializing with real life men who are more compatible and more practically located. I havn't dated anyon eelse no and I'm not that interested, so no, I don't see it as having wasted time. I wasn't looking for anything before he came along, but well....he came along and we got along. Of course I am not happy with the situation, which is why I came here for advice and opinions and I'm taking note of them all... I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision, because I'm seriously thinking of ending things with him....which will probably involve, just ignoring all contact from him. To pick up the phone if he calls....will result in him sucking me back in.
Meaplus3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Even if he was married, he'd have found the time within 3 months surely? When we first met, he was here and the very next day after we'd arranged to meet....he was quick in getting here that time! He had borrowed money from a friend, to get here... He says he was married and has been divorced for two years, hence why he's living with his sister. He does have his own place, that he got some weeks back. Because of his current financial situation, it remains undecorated and unfurnished. I know he has his own place, because I actually have the address of it....and have posted a couple of CD's to it for him. Well then minus the Wife or GF, something is still way off IMO if he is not making the time to meet you in person. I guess you will have to figure out if you can deal with the way the R stands as it is right now. Mea:)
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I didn't suggest that he is gay My story was to point out that there IS a reason he is not seeing you and probably something you are not aware of. Gay guy would have been quite happy to call me every day pretty much indefinetly if I didn't put a stop to it - and yes he has genuinly liked chatting to me too he just didn't like me in the way I needed to be liked. People in love want to see and touch each other and often. If he truly liked you he would have made the effort. There is a slim chance that SG is right and you could start initiating more to see what happens but I doubt that's the reason he isn't coming.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 If his faith prevents you from visiting him, it would have also prevented his divorce. Not very often they do get divorced is it? My mum said exact same thing. But he claims not to be. Pointless to speculate because it can never be proven. I'd be real pissed if he is. I'd be pissed by the fact he's stringing me along, knowing it couldn't go any further...pissed that he's lied and for so long.
Ramrod Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I've seen a number of plausible explanations for the odd behavior, you should definitely flush out whether this guy is attached or not. Try alternating the call schedule, see whether he's available to talk to you at any hour of the day. Not strictly in a given window of time. Now having said that, as a man who can talk and is not afraid of a LDR, let me tell you, I wouldn't spend the kind of time tending to a garden the way he's been doing without having the intent to harvest the fruit, if you know what I mean. Food for thought.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Not very often they do get divorced is it? That's not what I was saying. I was saying that if his faith is the reason he can't see you (because he follows a strict practice), then his strict faith would also preclude his divorce. Thus, I don't buy the faith argument. Either he's waiting for you to show SOME sign of real, genuine, reciprocated effort, or he's hiding something - and it's not faith related.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 People in love want to see and touch each other and often. If he truly liked you he would have made the effort. Yeah you are right. Says he loves me, yet if that were true, he'd yearn for the physical closeness. He also says the distance kills him....cant be killing him that much. Im unsure why he feeds me obvious bullcrap!! There is a slim chance that SG is right and you could start initiating more to see what happens but I doubt that's the reason he isn't coming. I agree, it's nothing to do with the fact I don't initiate often. If it bothered him that much, then I feel he wouldn't call.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 People in love want to see and touch each other and often. If he truly liked you he would have made the effort. Can't the same be said for HER? Why is he held to a standard that she's completely unwilling to meet herself? Can you imagine if he had been the one to start a thread? "I've been in a LDR with a woman for a year. I call her everyday. She never calls me or initiates contact. I made a trip to go see her. I'm broke, but I managed to make the trip by borrowing money. I really see no effort on her part though. I can tell she wants me to go see her again. What should I do?"
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Now having said that, as a man who can talk and is not afraid of a LDR, let me tell you, I wouldn't spend the kind of time tending to a garden the way he's been doing without having the intent to harvest the fruit, if you know what I mean. Food for thought. An implication he's after sex? That's already happened....and he continues to tend the garden.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Can't the same be said for HER? Why is he held to a standard that she's completely unwilling to meet herself? That is where you are wrong. Despite not initiating calls and texts all the time, I've made a lot of effort in other ways to get him here, including offering to foot the bill for his travel expense. I've offered to go there...he says we'd have no place to stay... I'm forever asking him when he's going to come up...he knows I want to see him. What more can I do, than what I've already tried.
Touche Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 An implication he's after sex? That's already happened....and he continues to tend the garden. How? By not coming to see you?
prettybaby Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 What more can I do, than what I've already tried. You can move on.
Shygirl15 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I'll agree with BlueEyed. He definitely has something he's hiding.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I'll agree with BlueEyed. He definitely has something he's hiding. Either that, or he likes me, but not enough to pursue more than a telephone call. I think I deserve more. I'm seriously contemplating getting out of there... Thanks for all the advice guys, really appreciated
MindoverMatter Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Everybody follows their own agenda. Always. Sometimes, that agenda is flawed (by mental disorders like depression, e.g.) but it usually works very well. He has a reason for his behaviour. He knows very well why he is avoiding you. And he needs to tell you why. You can end this cycle by simply asking him: 1. Where do you see this go? 2. Will you ever want us to be more than just a phone relationship? If so, how do you plan to go about it? If he refuses to answer, or doesn't give you a definite answer to both of those questions, then leave. Because in that case, he is not respecting your wishes, your life or your future. No man and no woman wants a relationship by phone only. Many can work it out, if there is a solid reason for a LDR, but if there isn't failure is certain.
Zorie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 It sounds like it's time to give him an ultimatum to see if he truly wants things to progress. Or is there any way you can set up a "surprise weekend rendezvous"? Set up reservations at a hotel near him and ask him to meet you for a nice weekend together? If he reacts negatively to that then it may confirm that something is up with him and may be hiding something from you. Also regarding the family issues, if you are both adults it really comes down to what you guys want and you should not have to worry about pleasing anyone else. I personally wouldn not want to deal with that sort of drama...
Author xjadex Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 An update. He says he's coming up within the next few days, before the weekend, so we shall see. He was the one to have mentioned coming up, (I'd given up mentioning it to him)....but he seems all set to come here and is chatting about it a lot. If he lets me down, he's gone
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