xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The guy calls you every single day and has done for a year. Calls can last up to an hour long. He always sounds happy to hear you, shows an interest in your day, your work, your hobbies and interests, your kids, says he misses you, can't wait to see you again, etc... You met online, are long distance (2 bours) and have met ONCE... Would you consider it to be a red flag and because this guy talks of coming back, tells you he misses you and cant wait to see you again...yet 3 months have passed and still no show? Now while the fact he hasn't been back, would indicate no interest.....the fact that he's calling every single day, does indicate an interest and this is what has me confused. If this guy had no interest whatsoever, surely he wouldn't be calling every single day either?
prettybaby Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 So how long since you two met? Three months?
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Yes, 3 months. He says he is financially at rock bottom since losing his job and blames lack of money as to why he can't get here. That if he was still in work and as soon as he finds work, he'd be here at least once per week/or more to see me. BUT...I've offered to foot his travel expenses and offered to go there. He says he doesn't want me paying and that if I go there, we'd have no place to stay. It all smacks of no interest/or little interest.....but Im unsure he'd call everyday if that were the case.
prettybaby Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Well, whatever the case, he sounds like a waste of time I mean, spending ONE HOUR a day on the phone with someone you never see? Ugh. That's 7 hours a week ... 28 hours a month! That's over one whole day / month wasted on the phone. I'd have better things to do with my time, to be honest. Like, actually going out with somebody ...
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Well I guess when someone doesn't just live around the corner, the phone is how you keep in touch and keeping the lines of communication open is important when a lot of miles seperate you. But I'm beginning to wonder, what the point is in keeping them open...and what is his motive for keeping them open?
prettybaby Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Uh, you've only seen this dude once. I understand that kind of communication rate for actual couples who are far apart due to circumstances but have already built a real relationship in the mean time. However, this is some internet guy you've met ... once ... in a whole year.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You stated in another thread that you let him do ALL the pursuing - all the phone calls, texts, emails, and that you simple reassure him that you love him. Perhaps he's waiting for you to put in some effort of your own. It's been a year, most guys would have moved on by now after not having their efforts reciprocated.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Yes it's a red flag. The guy probably has a girlfriend already or he's married.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 You can get to know someones personality and form connections online and before you meet...online it is only the 'physical' you have lacking and a relationship doesn't just consist of the 'physical'. You need a connection also and we share a connection. If we didn't, he wouldn't call... I don't mind that he will call....I feel I know him well enough to recieve his calls, despite having met only once.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Yes it's a red flag. The guy probably has a girlfriend already or he's married. I've mentioned this too him. He was married and is now divorced for two years he says. I have no way of knowing if he's being truthful however. I've tried doing an internet search....NOTHING.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 To be honest, I think you're wasting your time on someone who really isn't who he says he is. You have your life and he has his.. You've met ONCE and talk online/phone. You don't know him at all.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 Not being funny, but how well can any of us say we really know someone/or a partner.. A few of my ex partners, certainly surprised me! I feel I know him well enough as a person and that is good enough for me. Like I said, relationships consist of more than a physical aspect. Two people physically, does not constitute nor cement a relationship. I consider the relationship I had with him, to be as real as those who do have the physical. I also believe him when he claims not to be married. I don't condemn and hang people, till I have solid evidence.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 And I came here looking for advice, opinions on the problem at hand in my initial posting.. Not to be ridiculed and told that I don't even know this man/we have only met once ...even slighting the time we spend talking on the phone. And yet there are many here, claim their men don't call.....and the men are pigs for not calling, No wonder it's all confusing. Thanks for your time anyway,
AlektraClementine Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 It's unfortunate that you feel ridiculed. Really. You asked if the general audience here would consider this a red flag. Short answer? Yes. Take that for what it's worth. Men who are truly into you, make the time to call/visit/reach out. That's just how it is.
dreamergrl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I find the fact that you've only met once in a year a bit odd. Then there's the whole, no job, no place to go, ect ect. Doesn't that concern you? It would me. I see several red flags flapping around here.
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 You stated in another thread that you let him do ALL the pursuing - all the phone calls, texts, emails, and that you simple reassure him that you love him. Perhaps he's waiting for you to put in some effort of your own. It's been a year, most guys would have moved on by now after not having their efforts reciprocated. I'm quoting myself to bring attention to the above.
Stockalone Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 BUT...I've offered to foot his travel expenses and offered to go there. He says he doesn't want me paying and that if I go there, we'd have no place to stay. Well, he has to live somewhere. Not having a place to stay is a ridiculous reason why you shouldn't come. You said he lost his job, maybe he has to live in a shabby place and is embarrassed about it. And not wanting you to pay for his travel expenses could be a pride thing. However, if he wants a relationship with you, he also has to think about what is best for you, not just what suits him at the moment. Aside from him being a lying scumbag who is already in a relationship, the only thing I can think of is that he is embarrased and afraid to show you where and how he lives. If it's just a pride thing, he needs to get over it. If he wants a relationship, he has to do his part to make this realtionship work. He should want to show you that he is all in, that he isn't holding things back. And that is impossible as long as he refuses to let you come visit. I would insit on visiting him and making it clear why you want to come. He has to live somewhere, so there is a place for you to stay. If he still claims that there is no place for you to stay, I would demand an explanation. So far, he has given you none and frankly, I don't see a valid one he could come up with. You can get to know someones personality and form connections online and before you meet...online it is only the 'physical' you have lacking and a relationship doesn't just consist of the 'physical'. You need a connection also and we share a connection. If we didn't, he wouldn't call... I agree with you, you can form a deep connection online. But you also know that this is not the same as interacting with someone in person on a regular basis. You don't know how he is in everday situations, like how he behaves around his friends. An online/phone friendship or relationship is real, your feelings are real. But there is also some fantasy and wishful thinking involved. Meaning that you will use what you think he is like and what you have experienced him to be like in other aspects to fill in the blanks. And there are bound to be some things you can't possibly know, no matter how much you talk on the phone.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I'm quoting myself to bring attention to the above. The fact he does all the calling isn't an issue and he doesn't mind being the one to call. The fact I'm still around and after a year combined with the fact I've hung around for 3 months waiting on him, should tell him something anyway. And I do occasionally send a text or call...just not as much as him. He's of a different religious and cultural background, which is why it is a problem for me to go to where he lives...they wouldn't approve of me. The fact he doesn't at the moment have a job, doesn't bother me. I'm not looking for a guy with status or money. We can't pick and choose in life, who we fall for... I'd happily sit in pig dung, with a guy I was into.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I once met a guy (in a club) that lived 4 hours away from me. He started calling me every day but would make excuses not to meet up (I know it was a 4 hour drive but it just didn't sit right with me). He excuses are that he has no money, then that his car has broke down - when I suggested borrowing a friends car he said he can't because "he is not comfortable driving other people's cars". After about 3 weeks of this (and he called EVERY SINGLE day and was open to chatting for almost 2 hours) I basically told him not to call anymore. I found out later by accident that the guy is gay, seeing his "best guy friend" for years and needed a girl as a cover in front of his conservative family. I mean there was no way for me to figure this out, but I knew that something wasn't right..
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The fact he does all the calling isn't an issue and he doesn't mind being the one to call. The fact I'm still around and after a year combined with the fact I've hung around for 3 months waiting on him, should tell him something anyway. What "should" tell YOU something doesn't necessarily mean it tells HIM that. How do you know the disparity between the huge amount of contact-effort he puts in and the very little you give in isn't an issue? Has he said to you, "I don't mind being the one to make every call/text?"
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 The fact he does all the calling isn't an issue and he doesn't mind being the one to call. The fact I'm still around and after a year combined with the fact I've hung around for 3 months waiting on him, should tell him something anyway. And I do occasionally send a text or call...just not as much as him. He's of a different religious and cultural background, which is why it is a problem for me to go to where he lives...they wouldn't approve of me. I think StarGazer is correct this time. He is probably losing interest due to your lack of reciprocation. Maybe he thinks you just are not that interested because he isn't doing well financially right now. Also... Expand on this cultural and religious difference? Why would his family not approve of you?
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I once met a guy (in a club) that lived 4 hours away from me. He started calling me every day but would make excuses not to meet up (I know it was a 4 hour drive but it just didn't sit right with me). He excuses are that he has no money, then that his car has broke down - when I suggested borrowing a friends car he said he can't because "he is not comfortable driving other people's cars". After about 3 weeks of this (and he called EVERY SINGLE day and was open to chatting for almost 2 hours) I basically told him not to call anymore. I found out later by accident that the guy is gay, seeing his "best guy friend" for years and needed a girl as a cover in front of his conservative family. I mean there was no way for me to figure this out, but I knew that something wasn't right.. Well there's a non chance he is gay, lol and I don't think there is any other motive behind him being on the phone with me. If there was, it wouldn't have gone on a year.. I think he calls because we do get along well and he does genuinely like me. Like me enough to want to pursue things further, is what I'm unsure of. StarGazer, admittedly he has mentioned that I don't call/text him as much as he'd like me too. But you know, if he made some effort in coming to see me and I knew him to be really and genuinely into me, then I would contact him. Why should I put in any effort, when he isn't putting in any effort to come and see me? It works both ways.... I'm not about to start calling and texting a guy, when Im unsure where I stand with him...
Touche Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 I feel I know him well enough as a person and that is good enough for me. So what's the problem? As for your question in your title...yes. I see lots of red flags including all the ones mentioned plus the fact that his family wouldn't approve of you.
Author xjadex Posted February 6, 2009 Author Posted February 6, 2009 I think StarGazer is correct this time. He is probably losing interest due to your lack of reciprocation. If he was losing interest, he wouldn't call every day... Maybe he thinks you just are not that interested because he isn't doing well financially right now. He tells me everything and trusts me completely...he knows I am fine with his situation. Also... Expand on this cultural and religious difference? Why would his family not approve of you? He's Muslim...Im Christian. Say no more.
Meaplus3 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Would you consider it to be a red flag and because this guy talks of coming back, tells you he misses you and cant wait to see you again...yet 3 months have passed and still no show? I see a BIG bright red flag here. If he can talk to you on the phone but not make time for you in person then perhaps that's becuase he's either #1 married or #2 has a GF which could make it harder for him to get away and meet if you know what I mean. Not spending time with you in person but talking on the phone....something smells fishy. Just my take. Mea:)
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